Something Old, Something New

Jan’s POV

Her dad is clapping. Of course, her dad is clapping. And her mom is staring at her with the same look that anime characters get when they see food. It almost kills the high that Jan is floating on. 

But very honestly, nothing could kill the high that she is floating on because Jan has just kissed Jackie, and it is so much better than she remembered. Now she can remember why she got addicted in the first place because Jackie is a drug that Jan never wants to come clean on. Kissing Jackie is electrifying, euphoric and so, so, so good. Because it feels like Jackie’s lips have known hers even before they met. Like got carved her as half of a whole and finally, she is connected to her other half. Everything about the kiss feels so natural, so organic; like her very purpose on this earth is to inhale Jackie’s scent through her mouth. 

Jan looks at Jackie who has an adorably dorky smile on her face. Her face is slightly red and Jan suspects that she was holding her breath. Jackie suddenly sneezes, the same way that dogs do and Jan has to resist the urge to kiss her again. 

“You ready to do this?” Jan asks.

“I came out of my mother’s vagina ready.”

“Please do not say that around my family.”

“Duly noted.”

The two sit themselves down, both blushing furiously trying to pretend that they didn’t just furiously make out and Jan takes this moment to really look at her family for the first time.

Aside from a few additional grey strands in her hair, most likely caused her husband, Jan’s mom looks the same. Still stern and loving and aggressively maternal. Jan smiles because her mom is wearing the shirt that she bought her, the one with the definition of feminism on it. The woman that raised her is the reason Jan and her siblings put up with absolutely no bullshit. 

Emily is glowing, radiant with joy. The wedding planning is clearly something that she rejoices in because unlike most brides, she isn’t tired or drooping. With Mathew’s arm thrown over her shoulder and her head resting against his arm, she very genuinely looks happy. The Polynesian man that Emily will be marrying in two days is the definition of a golden retriever. Large, friendly, and prone to knocking things over. But Jan likes him anyway because he is a genuinely good man who she knows will do right by Emily. 

Daniel looks better than the last time she saw him, Buttercup must be sleeping better. The bags in his eyes are still there but are in the process of receding, so he just looks better in general. The same cannot be said for Katherine, who still has the same disconcerting frown plastered onto her face. Jan never really understood why Daniel married Katherine. They do say that love is blind, but it wasn’t until their wedding that Jan understood how blind. But at least something good came out of it. Buttercup is here, and Jan loves her. 

Her dad is the only one who’s changed significantly. He seems older, more tired than when Jan last saw him. But then again, her grandfather’s death must have taken a toll on him. Grandpa had been gone for four months now, so Jan’s wounds have healed. But losing a father is much more painful than losing a grandfather, so it’s understandable that his normally vibrant blue eyes seem a little more subdued. But aside from that, he is still the same man that bounced her up and down his lap in the middle of the night and pulled funny faces during bedtime stories. There is still a mischievous twinkle in his smile and an infinite supply of dad jokes in his arsenal. 

Jan smiles. She’s forgotten how much she’s missed her family. 

“So Jannie.” Her father chides. “You gonna introduce us or what.”

“Dad.” Jan whines. 

“Come on, Jan. We just wanna meet your girlfriend. ”Her mom draws out the r and Jan groans because, after almost thirty years of parenting, they still don’t know how to NOT EMBARRASS THEIR FUCKING CHILDREN.  

“Everyone, this is Jackie. Jackie, this is the band of hooligans that I happen to call my family.” Her dad laughs and extends his hands to Jackie.

“I’m Aristophanes, but call me Ari” Jackie tilts her head, the way dogs do when they see butterflies.

“Are you greek?” Jan’s dad laughs in disbelief.

“Wow, she’s a smart one.” Jackie blushes. “My mom was Athenian. She named me after my grandfather. How do you know that?”

“I really like greek history, Aristophanes had some really good plays.” Of course, Jackie is a nerd for ancient Greece.

“I like her.” 

“I do too.” Jan smiles. 

“While I do not have some insanely hard to pronounce Greek name, ” Jan’s mom says as her dad swats her on the arm. “I do still have one. Call me Addie.”

“I’m Jackie,” Jackie says nervously. “But you already knew that.”

Emily laughs good-naturedly and extends her hand out.

“I’m Emily, the attractive sister.” Jackie’s shoulders relax and she smirks.

“I’m gonna have to fight you on that. Daniel is very clearly the pretty one.”

The family laughs and her mother looks at Jan with a mixture of approval and sincerity. Her mom is happy for her. Jan smiles despite herself and plants a kiss on Jackie’s cheek. 

“BELLE!” A small voice shrieks and Buttercup catapults herself into Jackie’s arms. “DADDY, DADDY, DADDY, SHE’S A PRINCESS.”

Katherine groans as her daughter scrambles into Jackie’s lap, her eyes filled with amazement. Buttercup’s groan since the last time Jan saw her. She seems taller, heavier, and most importantly, completely infatuated with Jackie. 

“Are you Belle?” She says, brown eyes wide with curiosity. Jackie smiles amusedly and strokes her face gently. 

“No, I’m not.” Buttercup’s face falls and tears threaten to spill from her cheeks. “But my sister is.”

“Really?” Immediately her eyes light up and she’s interrogating Jackie who seems to know more about Disney princesses than she initially let on. This seems to keep the cherubic young girl entertained so Jan takes this moment to talk to her brother, who she hasn’t seen in almost five months. 

“So, what do you think of her?”

“Of who?” Jan rolls her eyes.

“Of Jackie. My girlfriend.”

“Oh Jackie,” He smiles and watches as his daughter has begun to sing “Into the Unknown” as Jackie does the siren noises. Jan had never thought of Daniel as a family man, as a father. He had always seemed reckless and frequently threw caution to the wind. It was a shocker to her that he would settle down in the first place. But when Katherine got pregnant, it was as if he became a completely different person. Suddenly, he was consumed by his love for this tiny, fragile little being. Daniel has never looked at anyone the way he looks at Buttercup, not even Katherine. Jan can’t even begin to imagine what’s it’s like to be so filled with love for something, but then again, she’s been proven wrong many times before. 

“I think Jackie has Buttercup’s stamp of approval,” Daniel says fondly as Katherine elbows him in the ribs. 

“I thought we agreed to this, she has to get used to the name Elaine.”

“I like Buttercup,” Jan says quietly. She’s always been scared of Katherine, but not scared enough to refrain from voicing her opinion. Katherine throws daggers at Jan with her eyes while Daniel completely ignores his wife. 

“I really hope Buttercup doesn’t tire Jackie out, I think I threw my back out playing with her once.” Jan turns her head to check on the two but finds herself unable to look away. 

As she watches Jackie play with Buttercup, her heart does a double-take. It wasn’t too long ago where this was the future she had imagined. A doting look in Jackie’s eyes, Jan’s arms wrapped behind her waist. Their child cradled in Jackie’s arms, safe from all harm because the woman Jan loves most in the entire world holds them in a safe embrace. Jan had planned a whole future for them together in her head. A future where they passed out on the couch after hours of tending to a needy baby before waking up two minutes later to change his diapers yet again. A future where they forgot what sleep was and instead found rest and solace in gently rocking their child to sleep. A future where Jan wasn’t the only thing Jackie loved anymore and that was okay. 

Jan had never prepared herself for a future where Jackie didn’t love her at all. 

Jackie’s POV

It’s been around twenty minutes and the middle eastern food that has arrived in small platters on the table reminds of her Aunt Soraya’s cooking. The familiar smell of roasted herbs and ground spices fill her nose, but Jackie almost doesn’t notice because of how at home she feels. Now she understands why people feel so comfortable around Jan because her family radiates the same unjudgemental energy. There is a warmth that radiants from the Sports, a familial kind of companionship and unconditional love that her own family never had. She doesn’t feel like an outsider or an intruder but rather a member od their family. She feels happy. She feels cared for. She feels... loved?

Well, with the exception of one person. 

“So, where did you guys meet?” Katherine says pointedly to Jackie after spending the whole night avoiding eye contact with her. Jan gives her a look that says “I’ve got this.” 

“We met at this bar in Hell’s Kitchen. Hardware, I took you guys there when I went to New York last time.”

“Ah, yes,” Katherine says, disgust coloring her tone. “The one with all the...men.”

Oh, Jackie understands what Jan had meant. Oh well, it’s not like Jackie doesn’t have experience with people like Katherine anyways. 

“There was this man who wouldn’t leave me alone, so Jan handled him for me and I took her back to my place and kidnapped her,” Jan smirks as Katherine looks like a wave of nausea runs over her. 

“Oh, dear.” She says, very clearly trying to refrain from bursting into flames at the thought of two women sharing a bed together. 

“And the rest is herstory.” Jan is very clearly pushing this woman’s buttons, and for lack of a better term, Jackie is living. 

“Did you mean history?” Katherine says through gritted teeth. 

“Oh yes, sorry. I’ve been spending so much time with my friends.”

“Friends?”

“Yeah, my friend Lagoona just auditioned for a TV show where drag artists compete.”

“I have to go use the bathroom.” And Katherine runs in the opposite direction of the toilet as she goes off to text her xenophobic group chat about the fact that her sister in law “brought a woman to dinner!”

“I think we broke her,” Jan whispers quietly so that her brother doesn’t hear them talking shit about his wife.

“Did you see her face?” Jan laughs and her melodic tinkle fills the room.

“She looked like a motherfucking eggplant.”

Jackie laughs with her and Jackie feels herself falling back into their old rhythm. This is the Jackie laugh. The laugh that is reserved for Jackie and her stupid jokes that somehow seem to click with Jan and Jan only. It doesn’t feel forced or fake or in any way unnatural. It feels like a sound that Jan made because she couldn’t help but make it. It feels genuine and oh, so, so real. Jackie could replay that sound in her ears for a lifetime and still not be sated. It’s probably the thing that Jackie missed the most about Jan. Her laugh. Because Jan hates this particular laugh, says it sounds ugly. But to Jackie, it is anything but ugly. It sounds like complex harmonies of a hundred different voices. It sounds like a baby’s squeal when it opens its eyes for the very first time. It sounds like everything Jackie loves about Jan. It sounds like home. 

A ringing sound distracts her and it turns out someone is calling her. 

Oh shit. 

Jan’s POV

Jan watches as Jackie’s face changes from relaxed, content, and finally calm, to immediately panicked. 

“Jackie? Are you okay?” She asks, treading lightly because with Jackie the slightest words can cause her to fracture into little fragments. 

“I’m fine. I just have to take this call.” Jackie says in a suspiciously high pitched tone. 

“Who’s calling?” Jackie takes a deep breath in and Jan can see fear flashing in her eyes. 

“My brother.”

Oh. Jan has never met Jackie’s family or seen pictures of them. But based on the fact that she has to be quiet every time they call or the look of sadness that washes over Jackie’s face every time Jan mentions them, she knows that they aren’t supportive. 

“Okay.”

“I’ll be back in a heartbeat.” Jackie tries to reassure her, she is very obviously shaken. Jan strokes her face gently, trying to wipe away tears that aren’t there. 

“I know. I’ll be in the bathroom.”

As soon as Jan reaches the bathroom, she immediately sinks to the floor. The floor is filthy and that germs are probably seeping into her skin and killing her but honestly, she couldn’t give less of a shit. She remembers why loving Jackie had been so hard sometimes. Because sometimes that impossibly wonderful woman had seemed so impossibly out of reach. Jan once found her shaking on the floor because of the sound of the storm that aged outside too much for this precious soul. Jackie was the kind of person that gave her armor to another person before charging into battle and barely making it alive. Selfless, fragile and so, so far away. Jan has always wished that Jackie confided in her. Told Jan her problems instead of loving them away in a vault with all her history. Because relationship or no relationship, Jan still wants to help. Jan still wanted to show Jackie that every inch of her should be valued and treated like a treasure to behold. That’s what Jackie is to Jan, treasure. Every inch of that glorious, olive-skinned woman deserves to be worshipped and cleansed from the pain and suffering she has endured. And it’s killing Jan that she’s stuck here and she can’t do anything. 

“Hey, are you okay?” A gorgeous woman with a french accent is standing above her, offering a hand. 

“Yeah, I’m fine. Just having love problems is all.” Jan mentally slaps herself because she’s known this person for a total of two seconds but she has just admitted something that she hasn’t even admitted to herself yet. There’s love. Between Jackie and Jan. There’s a reason she wants to stay in Jackie’s arms until the day she dies. A reason that something flutters in her heart whenever Jackie smiles or cracks a dumb joke. A reason that Jan dance with Jackie in the rain so that the water can wash away all the hurt that life has caused them so that they can start anew. She’s falling again. 

And she’s just told this to a complete stranger. 

“Crap,” Jan says and the woman tilts her head to the side in a confused manner. “Sorry, I just. Never really said that out loud I guess.”

The woman laughs good-naturedly and joins her on the floor. 

“I’m Nicky.” She extends her manicured hand and Jan reaches out to shake it.

“Jan.”

“Do you want to talk about it?” Nicky asks the same way a therapist asks if you want to talk about something. Oh well, she’s most likely never going to see Nicky ever again, might as well take her up on her offer. 

“I’m in Hawaii because my sister is getting married. I ask my ex to be my plus one and to pretend that we’re dating because my sister is really worried that I’m gonna die alone. We’re just sort of pretending that we’re happy and that we’re a couple. But the thing is, it doesn’t feel like pretending. It feels like the way it used to feel. It feels organic and like nothing ever changed. Every time I touch her hand, as much as I don’t want to, I feel something that shouldn’t be there. I feel this thing that feels so good, and it feels so god damn addicting, but I know I shouldn’t be feeling it. Those emotions should have died with our relationship. But at the same time, I can’t help but savor every second that I have with her because I don’t want to stop pretending.” A tear slips down Jan’s cheek as her voice breaks. 

“Why can’t I move on? Why can’t I stop my heart from jumping at the thought of even just holding her hand?”

“Oh, sweetheart.” Nicky brushes the tears away from her face, her kind blue eyes shimmering with tears of sympathy. Or empathy? Jan can’t tell. “My story is somewhat like yours.”

“Oh?”

“ I met Jaida in college, she found the person supposed to be her roommate for a year swearing at her ex-girlfriend in very aggressive French.”

“Wow,” Jan smiles. “Some perv wouldn’t leave Jackie alone and I had to refrain from punching him in the dick.”

“We both made good first impressions, didn’t we?”

“Yeah,” Jan smiles she likes Nicky. The french woman reminds her od Jackie, witty, funny, and empathetic. “You were saying?” 

“She just sort of stayed in the hallway watching me scream into my phone and dissolve into tears immediately after I hung up. Jaida listened to me talk shit about Alexa for a good twenty minutes before she told me to ‘help me unpack my shit, I have chocolate in my suitcase.” We ate nothing but chocolate for the next couple of days.”

“She really sounds like something else.” Nicky had a dreamy look on her face. 

“She really is.” Jan nods her head, telling Nicky to continue with her story because at this point she’s hooked.”

“We became best friends. Like ‘sleep in each other’s beds, shared most meals, and watched Clueless every day’ best friends. We were really happy. About two months in, this guy asked her out. A real dickhead. I have no idea why she liked him, but for some reason, Jaida did. They went on a couple of dates before they became a couple. And it was like the light inside her became a little dimmer. She became a little quieter, a little less lively and sudden loud noises would scare her.” Nicky smiles sadly. “She hid it well, smiling all the time, drawing the right balance between nonchalant and completely obsessed. But I could tell she wasn’t happy. It wasn’t until later that I realized how unhappy she truly was.”

“That must have been really hard to watch.”

“Not as hard as it was for Jaida. They stayed together for a year and a half, and I watched as she grew dimmer and dimmer. Until one night I walked in on them arguing and I swear I have never heard someone talk like that. I was like she was a slave and he wanted to make her hurt at much as he possibly could. He might as well have hit her, it would’ve hurt less. The worse thing is they were arguing about me, he didn’t want her to talk to ‘a homo’ but Jaida’s a loyal person.” Nicky sighs, it’s clearly taking a toll on her to tell this story. 

“You don’t have to talk about it if you don’t want to.”

“No, it’s okay. It just makes me angry that I didn’t do anything until that moment.”

“Sometimes no matter how much we want to do something, we can’t.”

“Wow. You’re smarter than you look, blondie.” Nicky smiles and continues. 

“The guy saw me and realized I saw everything. The look on his face, he was happy that now I knew he hated me. He told Jaida to make a choice. Him or me. I think he expected that she’d choose him, and to be honest I did too. But she didn’t. She chose me. And I think that was the moment I fell in love with her.” Nicky smiles, this memory is clearly one that she treasures. “After that, she seemed to burn bright again, and we spent the next two years as best friends in love with each other. I told all our mutual friends how much I loved her, but she never told anyone. Kept it all inside of her. So no one except for her knew that she was in love with me. Neither of us ever really said anything, we didn’t want to ruin the friendship that we had so painstakingly built.”

“Ah pining, the first stage of any lesbian relationship.”

“Yup. Until one night I kissed a girl in a club and she confronted me, told me that I shouldn’t go around kissing random strangers. I didn’t understand why she was getting angry until she grabbed my face and kissed me. And then everything fell into place. That was around five years ago, we’ve been married for a year.”

“That’s adorable.” Jan claps like a small child, a stupid smile plastered on her face. 

“But we broke up two times in the process. Both for reasons that seemed so valid back then, but were so stupid now that we look back on them.” 

“I wish I had someone like that. Someone that would come back to me time and time again.”

“Maybe you do, love. Maybe you just don’t see her yet. I didn’t.” Jan lets out a sad smile. 

“Maybe. Just maybe.” She glances at her watch and stands up. “I have to go back now, otherwise my family will think I’m shitting my organs out.”

“See ya, blondie. I hope you get your girl.”

Jan smiles as she walks out of the bathroom door with Nicky just behind her. She wishes she could say that she hopes so too. But the last time she hoped, she had hoped that Jackie wouldn’t close the door behind her. She had hoped that Jackie would find that the life they had built from the ground up was enough to sustain her. But in the end, that’s all it had been. Hope. Now, Jan doesn’t hope anymore. Hoping, praying, wishing, she’s tried all of it. None of it works. But she’s not going to tell it to this kind, charismatic woman that she has just met. 

“Hey, can I get your number?” Jan asks. 

“Only if you promise to update me on every detail that happens.”

“Deal.”

“Oh, by any chance is that girl the one you were talking about?”

In Jackie’s arms is Buttercup who has fallen asleep with drool dribbling down her shoulder. She looks so calm, so peaceful, yet so focused at the same time. Like holding buttercup is the only thing is a task that requires the utmost concentration. Jackie spots her with her eye and winks at her, as if to say ‘I’ve got it’ and goes back to gently rocking Buttercup back and forth.

“Yeah, that’s her.”

Nicky’s POV

Nicky sighs to herself. Lesbians really are useless, aren’t they?