Something Old, Something New

Jan’s POV

It’s a nice day today. Really, genuinely a nice day. The sun is shining but not in an overbearing, annoying way that makes Jan want to drown in the Hudson River. It’s shining in a warm, comforting sort of way, almost as if its rays are holding her in a tight embrace. She looks around her apartment and for once it doesn’t feel as empty as it normally does. The sunshine is spillings into all the emptiness in the room, for once making Jan forget how lonely she is.  Sure, it is just her and the plethora of dead plants remind Jan of her inability to keep anything by her side. Sure, she only used half of everything in the house as the other half gathers dust because the memories they hold are too painful to reminisce about. And Sure, she’ll find a sweater that Jackie left behind and mull over whether or not she should set it on fire or crawl into and breathe in the other woman’s scent as she soaks with tears. But really, Jan’s fine. She’s fine. SHE’S FINE. 

So she really doesn’t understand why her sister is insisting she brings a plus one to the wedding. 

“Come on, Jan. It’s a tradition.”

“Emily, I’m a fucking lesbian. I’m breaking every tradition there is by not being a sexually repressed housewife who cheats on her husband with her kid’s butch football coach.”

“Ha. Ha.” Emily deadpans but Jan can hear the hint of a smile peeking through her voice. 

“So can I come on my own?”

“No.”

“Look, I don’t see why I need a plus one. I am perfectly happy on my own. (A lie) I am a strong independent woman capable of making good decisions. (Another lie) And I don’t see why I must conform to the misogynistic standards that a woman must have a companion otherwise she is somehow less worthy than she previously was. (Not a lie) If you can give me, one solid reason why I should bring a plus one, I’ll bring one.” Jan can hear Emily sigh across the phone.

“Because you’re lonely.” Emily’s voice leaves no room for argument but that’s not going to stop Jan from trying. 

“Am not!”

“Yes, you are, Jan. The last time I came up from Hawaii to visit you, you were a mess. Don’t you remember?” Of course, Jan remembers. She remembers forcing herself to stay awake with a life-threatening amount of caffeine because Jackie’s face flooded her dreams. She remembers not eating for days, going to try on a pair of jeans and finding them loose because she had inadvertently been starving herself. She remembers the lying in her own filth for days on end, the only sound she made pathetic whimpers. How could she forget? How could she forget how her heart had been broken, and with it, the rest of her too? 

“I don’t know the name of the girl who broke you in half, nor do I blame her cos sometimes we hurt people we don’t mean to hurt. But you’ve been so alone. I understand that you’re strong and you’re brave and you’re caring. I understand that people don’t always need companionship in order to thrive. And I understand that just because you aren’t in a relationship, doesn’t mean you’re lonely. I’m marrying a feminist studies professor but Christ’s sake.  But face it, Jan. You’re the kind of person who needs to have someone there for them.” Emily’s voice begins to shake and Jan can tell she’s holding back tears. 

“I do. I have you.”

“I getting married, Jannie. So as much as I want to hold your hand every step of the way, I can’t. I need you to bring someone to this wedding because I need to know that you’ll have someone there for you when I can’t be.” Jan bites her lip. If not for her, than for her sister. 

“Fine. I’ll do it.”

“You will?”

“I will.” This elicits a gleeful squeal from Emily.  A sound so joyous that for a second Jan doesn’t regret her decision. 

“You’re the best older sister ever!”

“You’re getting married, Em. The bride always gets what she wants.” A loud thud suddenly echoes from Emily’s end of the line. 

“I gotta go, I think Mathew just fell over.” 

“Yeah, he definitely did.”

“I love you.”

“I love you too.”

Jan sets her phone down. She’s fucked. She’s very very fucked. 

Jan takes a couple of deep breaths before trying to think of a way out of the massive grave she had dug herself into. She has three core problems. 1.) She’s single. That means she will need to find some unsuspecting stranger who will allow her to drag them away for a weekend in Hawaii. 2.) All her friends are in committed relationships. That means she can’t get one of them to pretend to be her girlfriend. Why? Because knowing her tech-savvy brother, Daniel would probably ask them for their Instagram handle only to find their pages filled with other women or men. 3.) The last relationship she was in means she will probably never enter another one again. There will never be anyone she trusted as much as Jackie, loved as much as Jackie, and needed as much as Jackie. She is still learning to survive without her, let alone with another person. Jan doesn’t think she could go on holiday for a weekend with some rando from tinder without bursting into tears at any point. 

She misses Jackie. A lot. She hasn’t talked to her in almost two months. Not since the day that she left. But almost every single day, Jan sees her. In the reflection of her coffee, the stains on the table cloths, in the life that they built together. Their life together was like a weight. Excruciatingly painful at times, but when it was good, it had felt so so good. But then Jackie left, leaving Jan to be crushed underneath, waiting like a fool for someone to relieve her of it. She can’t imagine doing this with anyone who isn’t Jackie. Emily had gotten engaged six months ago, and Jan and Jackie had planned to go together. They had planned to go together. For Jackie to meet her family, for Jackie to become permanently cemented into her life. But around a month before, Jackie decided she didn’t want that. To be permanently cemented into her life. 

But somehow, no matter how much pain, how much humiliation Jackie has caused her. Somehow Jackie is the only one who she can imagine walking down the aisle. 

So Jan throws all logic out the window and decides to do something that she predicts will come to bite her in the ass later. 

Jackie’s POV

It’s nice outside today. Normally in the middle of the summer, Helios himself decides to land in New York and bake its citizens to a slight crisp, but today it’s nice. Jackie looks into the creamy swirl of her hibiscus tea and silently wonders how she ended up here. How she ended up in this millennial pink cafe sipping on a hot beverage on an equally hot day. How she ended up scrolling through pictures of lesbian influencers on her phone silently wondering what it would be like to lead such an idyllic life. How she ended up alone. But of course, she knows why. She just can’t exactly face confrontation just yet. She can’t make amends until she faces her demons. So for now, she will stay in this aggressively pink cafe sipping on her equally aggressively pink drink. 

Her phone suddenly rings, causing her to spill hot tea on her lap in shock. Jackie winces, but luckily it’s not too bad because hipster restaurants have a thing about not making hot drinks actually hot, so now she has is soggy jeans and customers staring at her. She picks up the phone to see who is calling and her blood freezes as she takes in the name on the screen. 

Jan. Jan is calling her. 

An image of a pretty Italian American with flowing honey blonde hair and dark, coffee-colored eyes entered her head. Jackie has always wondered if the amount of coffee Jan drinks has stained her eyes because instead of some basic light brown eye, she has syrupy pools of brown that Jackie could drown in. Yes, with her fair, almost cream-like complexion and her golden locks, you would expect some kind of blue or green. But instead, she has brown eyes, eyes so deep and emoting that they compel emotion out of the most unfeeling of people. Another unexpected thing about Jan was how competitive she gets at soccer games. Fitting that the woman’s last name was Sport considering how much she adores exercise. 27 years of consistent working out and soccer matches has left her with a toned body and admirable upper body strength that caught Jackie off guard the first time they had met. Yes, Jan has a good body.  A very, very good body. But why is Jackie thinking about her ex’s body when Jan is calling her for the first time in what feels like forever. 

Jan hadn’t talked to her since a month ago. A month ago when Jackie closed the door on her way out, and in return, closed the door on their lives. There were no drunken midnight texts and voice mails with slurred words and pained laughs. No spiteful phone calls telling her she’d left behind a book or a mug. Almost as if the two years they had spent together didn’t matter, as if they had never existed. Jackie would be lying if she said hadn’t been hurt, but was it really fair of her to feel hurt when she had thrown away their life together without giving Jan an explanation? 

Thoughts race through Jackie’s head. Could Jan be drunk? No, the blonde abhorred day-drinking. Could this have been a dare from her friends? No, even Jackie knew that their relationship meant too much for both of them to take it as a joke even after it’s termination. Was Jan hurt? Wait. This one was plausible. Jackie is still Jan’s emergency contact any maybe in a moment of pain and desperation she had called Jackie. 

Desperate to dispel her worries, Jackie picks up the call. 

“Hello?”

“Jackie?” Jackie gives herself a second to relish in Jan’s voice before responding. She’s missed her voice. High pitched but powerful and commanding, yet surprisingly loving at times. Every stutter, every hiccup, and every voice crap, she’s missed all of it. Jan’s voice has always been one of Jackie’s favorite things about her. In fact, sometimes she thinks it was Jan’s voice that made Jackie fall in love with her in the first place. Either way, a month without it has been hard. 

“Hey.”

“Oh my god, you actually picked up.” There is a element of disbelief to her tone and Jackie’s heart clenches to think that this is what they have become. From phone calls every time they weren’t around each other to disbelief that the other has even picked up at all. It saddens her. But Jackie brought this on herself anyways. There’s nothing she can do about it. 

“Of course I did.”

“Sorry, it’s just been a while.”

“No, it’s fine.”

“Are you sure.”

“I swear on my star trek collection.” Jan lets out a laugh and Jackie almost starts to cry because she hasn’t realized how much she misses that sound. Jan has a way of laughing that indicates, pure unfiltered joy. Her sheer happiness is almost contagious and Jackie has never wished for teleportation powers more because all she wants to do it wrap Jan up in her arms.

“Are you free this afternoon?” Jackie is not free. Jackie has plans with her friend Chelsea, they are supposed to go watch a movie together. But honestly, both Jackie and Chelsea couldn’t give two shits if Jackie bailed on those plans. 

“Yeah. I’m free.”

“Oh, thank god.”

About two minutes later, Jackie is standing in front of the door that holds the life she fought tooth and nail until she ran away. Behind that door holds a sensational woman who’s wrath Jackie is yet to fave. Behind that door holds the most precious, valuable thing in the world. And Jackie is about to ring the doorbell. She fights off the nerves as remembers all the times she has opened this door. Behind it, there is always Jan. Jan happy, Jan angry, Jan tired. Behind it is always Jan. How is this time any different? She can do this.

Jackie walks up to the doorbell and rings it. The familiar jingle rings through her ears as she can hear the footsteps that approach the door. 

Jan. She’s there. She looks different. Not worse, not better, just different. She’s thinner, more gaunt. The beautiful pools of fat that gathered in her face have gone, in their place an angular cheekbone. She seems more tired too, the blonde is normally lively, filled with energy and excitement. It saddens Jackie to see her tired, to see her worn down. But who is Jackie to feel guilt, she is the one who did this to Jan. Nevertheless, Jan is still breathtakingly beautiful. Everything about her is still radiant and ethereal and every adjective that Jackie can think of. But something is different. Jan seems defeated, tired. The Jan she knows would never ever give up, she is stubborn and strong-filled, thus making it all the more terrifying seeing her slumped over. 

“Jan.”

“Hi.” She sounds tired. Like she’s been crying. The phone had muffled the sound of her voice a little bit and now Jackie can see Jan now, in all her damaged glory. It hurts to see this resilient woman so submissive and resigned. But Jackie doesn’t deserve to feel guilty, to feel like the good guy in Jan’s story. Because no matter what, this is Jackie’s fault. The way Jan seems less lively and quieter is Jackie’s doing. She is the villain in this narrative. Maybe she will have a redemption ark, maybe she won’t. But either way, she doesn’t deserve to fool herself thinking that she is Jan’s knight in shining armor. 

“Can I come in?”

“Oh, of course. Where are my manners?”

“Maybe I took them with me,” Jackie says trying to lighten the mood, but Jan smiles sadly. Their eyes meeting for the first time and Jackie is about to cry with relief because at least her eyes are still the same. Sure they are dimmer, faded, and most definitely blood-shot from crying, but they are still Jan’s eyes and they are still beautiful. 

“You took a lot of things with you, Jackie. I don’t even know anymore.” Jan lets out a shuddering breath. “I’ll cut to the chase. Emily is getting married this weekend.”

“Wow, good for her.”

“The maid of honor needs to have a plus one. It’s a Sport family tradition.” Jan hesitates whatever she is about to say but she doesn’t need to because Jackie already knows the words that are going to come out of her mouth. 

“You want me to go with you, don’t you.”

“It’s only for a weekend and you don’t have to talk to me or do anything with me. We just need to convince my family that I’m happy and I’m in a relationship.” 

“I dunno Jan, they might recognize me.”

“I never showed them any photos of you and they don’t know your name.”

“Jan, we’re exes and this isn’t-”

“You owe me one.”

“Yes I know but I really think that this is kinda insane and-”

“No, Jackie. That’s the last thing you said before you left.” Jackie stops in her tracks. Jan has a faraway look in her eyes as if she is in another realm. 

“You were packing up things, and about to leave but then I remembered you had left your blanket. The one you’re Aunt knitted it for you. The one with the pretty name.”

“Auntie Soraya.”

“It was such a pretty blanket. Red with gold lining. And it was always so warm and cozy. We used to huddle up together whenever we watched movies. You’d had it since birth.” Jan is looking at Jackie, but she is staring through her with an unreadable expression. On her face is a symphony of grief, pain, reminiscence, and sadness. 

“You owe me one.”

“Yes, I do.” Jan bites her lip as if the words that are going to come out of her mouth hurt. 

“You never have to see me or talk to me again. You can move on and live a happy, prosperous life without and I won’t even watch from afar if you don’t want me to. But do this for me, and we’re even.”

“Jan-”

“Everything. All the money, all the favors, all the times you scared or worried me. We’ll be even and you never have to see me again.”

“I can’t-” Jan takes Jackie’s hands and looks into her eyes with pleading desperation. Those eyes. Jackie can never say no to those eyes. 

“If you ever loved me. For a week, a day, a minute, or even a second. You’ll do this for me. Because I sure as hell loved you. And I didn’t just love you for a second. I loved you the way you love that blanket. Undyingly and faithfully. So if you ever returned that love for just a goddamn second, you will do this for me. ” Tears have begun to fall from Jan’s cheeks and Jackie wipes one away with her finer. 

“Yes.”

“Wait, really?” Jan immediately brightens up and glow that Jackie hasn’t seen since she arrived has returned is there. The buoyant, vivacious woman that she fell in love with has returned. Her Jan is back. 

“Yes, I’ll do it.”

And with that, both of them are royally screwed.