Residuum
Nicole opened her diary; coincidentally on the page where a cursive writing spread out most on the sheet saying ‘Waverly, I did something terrible today.’ And then the rest of the words were blurred out by droplets of what seemed to be tear stains – hers.
She sighed as she dragged her fingers across the page, a heavy feeling settling on her chest as she did so, knowing full well how every word she had written on the notebook mirrored what she felt the night she had written them.
It hurts then and it still hurts now, maybe more so that the love of her life is back.
Who knew that wanting something so badly can make you do stupid things?
She should’ve known.
No.
She should’ve known better.
She had lost contacts with her family the day she joined the law enforcement. She had severed her ties with her family for wanting nothing but to do good in this world. She had lost her family for simply wanting to do good and be good. She had lost so, so much.
And now, she fears that she’s going to lose more than what she had bargained for.
She scoffed, shaking her head, feeling a little stupid as the thought crossed her mind.
She is indeed losing a whole lot more this time around.
When she came to purgatory, her mind was only focused on work, of getting by daily in the sheriff’s department as a deputy. She wasn’t expecting much from a small town with a weird name but it gave her a family – one that doesn’t bind them by blood but by unconditional love and deep-rooted care for one another. It is in Purgatory, despite its supernatural-laced name and the freezing cold weather, that she met the love of all her lives, real life and alternate universe life included. It is in Purgatory that she met Waverly Earp, the only person whom she would gladly take bullets and venomous bites for, the only person whom she’s willing to shoot anyone for and the only person whom she would willingly sacrifice her life for…if desperately needed.
Nicole smiled, one that doesn’t quite reach her eyes.
She looked at the diary again, her fingers unconsciously tapping the tear stained sheet.
Every night, for the past eighteen months, three weeks and four days, she would write on her diary. She would write anything… anything that would make her heart feel lighter. Sometimes, she would just write about the things she did around and inside the homestead, occasionally mentioning about the Mayan princess descendant helping her on her chores or when she goes to the town to get some supplies if she wasn’t too busy hunting monsters that tries to trespass the home she’s protecting with her dear life, but most of the time, she would write what she feels, how she truly feels. Being without Waverly broke her heart and the only thing that kept her from going is the shimmer of hope that she’ll come back to her soon, unharmed. She would write how lonely it gets and how badly she misses all of them – Waverly, Wynonna, Doc, Jeremy and Robin. And there were times where she would just write Waverly’s name and would let her tears write the rest, though she knew tear stains cannot morphed magically into words.
She knew that there were nights where Rachel would stand outside her bedroom door, waiting for her to finish writing, crying and to fall asleep, checking on her before she, too, retires for the night. She knew that Rachel, despite being years younger than her, was also looking after her. Their roles get reversed during the night and she would coyly thank her for that the morning after. Rachel was part of the reason she was still sane enough.
Nicole wrote so much in her diary and had been so used to writing everything down that she finds it difficult to say anything now, most especially to Waverly. Sometimes she would find herself too deep in her thoughts, unable to think past the trauma she had for five hundred and seventy three days. She would occasionally deflect whenever Waverly asked her something about the days when they were gone. And she would even try to avoid answering anything related to the proposal, or their future together, for that matter.
How can Nicole tell Waverly that they might not have any future at all?
How can she tell her that there’s a colossal possibility that they might not be together in the future?
How can she tell the love of her life the real reason why she had lost her job and her apartment to a deal she had made out of desperation?
How, for the love of God, can Nicole tell Waverly that she had traded everything good in her life – not just her job and her apartment but also her life and her soul – just to have her back?
How can she tell Waverly everything if she can’t even say ‘I love you’ back without worrying that any day the evil deal she had made with the equally evil matron could bite her ass back, knowing she would be forced to pay her dues and Waverly would face the residual consequences thereafter?
She can’t, she doesn’t know how to, but she knew she has to.
And whilst she was sure that Margot Clanton did something to her earlier, she just doesn’t know exactly what. She was supposed to just bring the jar back and call the deal off knowing that Waverly came back home with Wynonna’s help, but the junk yard owner insisted otherwise. Waverly returned home and Nicole has Margot to thank for that, regrettably so.
Nicole knew. Waverly has to know.
She closed the diary when the body next to her stirred, scooting closer to her, bringing her body in for much needed warmth.
“You’re still awake?”
With a sharp intake of breath, Nicole started, “Waverly, I need to tell you something.”