Derek Morgan; 2015
The ticking of his own wristwatch was all that Derek could hear, even over the familiar sound of JJ and Reid chatting about everything and nothing. It was a Friday evening, a mere fifteen or so minutes before work was due to end (provided they didn’t get a case). Thus, nobody was truly focused on their paperwork, even Rossi and Hotch, who appeared to be discussing tactics for Jack’s upcoming soccer game in Rossi’s office.
As the hands on his watch moved to signify that another minute had passed, Derek briefly hoped that Garcia would emerge from her office and declare that they had a last minute case, as far away from Quantico as possible, maybe somewhere in Alaska. He could hear the kid’s voice in his head saying Actually, the furthest major town from Quantico within the United States is Honolulu, but it is very unlikely we’d have a case there. Only South Dakota has a smaller death-by-serial-killer population percentage than Hawaii.
It wouldn’t matter what state the case was in though, as long as it was far, far away. Preferably a couple hundred miles. Maybe a thousand. Far enough away that he would have to cancel his date with Savannah.
Derek winced to himself as he thought that. It sounded really bad. Things with Savannah had been incredible; better than he ever could have possibly imagined. She was gorgeous, and understanding, and clever, and kind. She was positively perfect, and it terrified him half to death. The inherent contradiction of that statement wasn’t lost on him, but that knowledge did nothing to help.
“Morgan?”
Reid’s voice interrupted his internal freak-out, and he glanced up to see the young doctor quickly stuffing his belongings into his satchel, obviously packing up for the weekend. JJ had moved over to talk with the BAU’s newest agent, Kate Callahan.
“Yeah, kid?”
“Garcia and I are headed out early to catch the last Hobbit film before it leaves theaters, want to come along? I can explain the major plot points to you on the way if you haven’t seen any of the other movies or read the book. If you haven’t read the book I would really recommend it! I loved it as a kid, and it’s a really great introduction into the high fantasy genre-“
He usually tried to let the kid ramble as long as he needed, provided they weren’t in the middle of a case, but he just couldn’t handle it this evening.
“Sorry, Reid, but no can do. Tell my Baby Girl I’ll make it up to her.”
“Make what up to me?”
“Morgan can’t come to the movie tonight.”
”What?”
Derek figures he must be really distracted if he didn’t notice Penelope coming up behind him; he usually has a sixth sense about these things. He wants to be preoccupied by work, not by a movie meet-up. Although on any other day he wouldn’t mind spending an evening with his two favourite nerds, he knew that Garcia would be physically incapable of not asking him questions about his romantic life, and he wasn’t prepared to enter into that conversation. He could try and turn it around on them, ask about Reid’s couple dates in the past year that amounted to nothing, or Garcia’s obviously failing relationship with ‘Sam’, or whatever the hell his name was, but that would be mean. Derek knew he would be miserable company tonight and didn’t want to ruin their fun.
“Sorry, PG. You know I would if I could.”
The disappointed look on her face lasted a few more seconds before she came over and planted a quick kiss on the top of his head.
“Oh my Chocolate Adonis, fret not. You’ll just have to buy me lunch next week.” She winked as she said this and smiled reassuringly at him. Derek found himself smiling back, against his will. Garcia could read him like an open book and knew better than to try and force him into coming with them tonight.
“Come on Boy Wonder, we’re gonna be late!”
With a parting smile from Penelope and a cheerful wave from Reid, Derek was once again left alone with his thoughts. This is ridiculous, he berated himself. Nothing is wrong with you and Savannah. In fact, things are perfect. One conversation doesn’t have to change anything-
Derek, completely forgetting that Kate and JJ were still in the bullpen, decided to groan loudly and lightly slam his head against his desk in frustration.
“Wow, okay Henry.” JJ teased. “Morgan, want to tell me why you’re acting like my 6 year old when he doesn’t get what he wants?”
Please don’t talk about kids right now, Jareau.
“Not particularly, no.”
The universe had evidently decided that he wasn’t allowed a reprieve today, as Kate sauntered over and plopped herself on the desk beside his. Her expression was open and curious, like JJ’s, and he knew that both agents would be willing to listen to his problems. But he was stubborn.
He forgot that JJ was just as persistent.
“Morgan, I am not giving you your car keys back until you talk to us.”
Derek’s brows furrowed together in confusion before he realised that JJ had obviously swiped his keys from his drawer while he was busy grumbling into his paperwork.
“Jennifer-“
“Ooh, ‘Jennifer’. Breaking out the big guns, huh?” JJ teased. “Out with it, big guy. You never blow off Pen and Spence like that.”
Derek sighed deeply, knowing that he was completely and utterly trapped in this conversation.
“Alright, alright. I suppose you two are better equipped to give advice than my two nerds.”
JJ and Kate exchanged curious glances but settled down into chairs beside him. Derek took a deep breath, hoping to settle his nerves. The last thing he wanted was to accidentally throw up on his desk in the middle of the (admittedly deserted) bullpen.
“I’m supposed to go on a date with Savannah, but I’m thinking of cancelling.” He explained, quickly waving off their despairing expressions. “Its nothing bad. We’re not breaking up. We just had a- We had a sort of, I don’t know, serious conversation the other day, and it sort of freaked me out.”
“Sort of?” Kate’s words were kind, but her eyes held soft amusement.
“Okay. I’m extremely freaking out.” He decided that there was no point in waiting any longer; you had to rip the bandage off eventually. “She said she wants kids someday.”
“Isn’t that a good thing?” JJ asked softly. “You’re great with kids, fantastic with Henry. You’ll be an amazing father one day.”
Derek leaned back in his chair to face her directly.
“I know that, logically. I’ve always imagined myself with kids. Couple little Morgans running around, in a nice house with a big back yard. So why am I losing my shit because the woman I’m in love with also wants that?”
“Because its suddenly not a fantasy anymore. It’s a real and distinct possibility, and no matter how much you want it, its always going to be a little bit terrifying.” Kate supplied.
JJ was nodding along. “I was scared to death when Will and I first took Henry home from the hospital. I thought for sure that I would drop him, or that he’d roll over in his sleep and suffocate. I even convinced myself that someone would break in and kidnap him.”
“How did you get over it?”
“I didn’t. Not really. There’s always a little bit of fear whenever he’s not in my sight. But you eventually realise that babies are resilient, and you learn to be apart from them. I just make sure to treasure every moment I have with him. He’s growing up so fast, I sometimes forget he’s not a new-born anymore.”
Kate took over, adding her two-cents. “I never expected to be a parent so young, but I don’t regret a single second of it. It’s absolutely terrifying a lot of the time, but mostly its not. Most of the time, its just wonderful, plain and simple. I want to know everything about her and learn all of her likes ad dislikes. She’s thirteen now and still changing every day. It’s incredible.”
Derek knew he had to voice this last concern now, or he never would. He’d go home and let it fester until it took over his very being.
“What if I can’t be a good father? I can only just about remember mine. What if-“
“Derek Morgan, I’m gonna stop you right there. Listen, I don’t know much about your family, but from what Penelope’s told me, you helped your Mom raise your two sisters after your dad’s death. That’s an incredible task to ask of a teenager. One that you rose to. Look at Jack and Henry as well! They adore you! I’m not gonna let you get so caught up in your own head that you distance yourself from reality, you’re too smart for that.”
Derek noticed that JJ was getting slightly emotional, and he reached over to grab her hand.
“So many people can’t have kids. So many people, so goddamn many people miscarriage-” She broke off then, eyes watering. “You and Savannah are going to be amazing parents to an amazing kid one day. For now, take it slow. But just know, that when the day comes, you’ll rise to the challenge. And excel.”
If Derek’s eyes were watering as well, neither Kate nor JJ mentioned it, but they sat there for a little while longer, until the world seemed a little bit calmer.
Derek smiled.
“Ladies, if you would excuse me. I have a date to go on.”