“Dongie!” Yoohyeons voice crackled through the phone, an instant smile forming on the elders face at the sound.
“Hi, Yoo.” Handong replied softly, “How are things?”
“Could be better with you,” Yoohyeon began easily, always the charmer. “Just comeback preparations, you know.”
Handong nodded, breathing in. “Where’s everyone else?”
“What, am I not enough?” Yoohyeon teased, Handong letting out a breathy laugh. “They’re all recording, or shooting, or-”
“You’re all busy,” Hanadong interrupted, biting her lip. The bare fact that she doesn’t even know where they are hurts. She used to always know where everyone was going, their plans, the group chat blowing up with chaos. But then it went silent, because well - She’s not promoting, is she? She doesn’t need to know the same any more.
Things have changed, she knows. She just wishes she could figure out what has, instead of it being thrown at her at 3 am or in the middle of a phone call where she was pulled back into the world of schedules and 4 am wake up times.
Yoohyeon seems to catch her thoughts from countries away, rushing her words out. “Never too busy for you, though.”
Realistically, Handong knows this. She really does. But she’s still not with them, and even if she’s home, she still longs for the other part of her life. The life in South Korea, with bandmates and comebacks, waking up at the crack of dawn despite only sleeping two hours prior. She misses the array of chaos that followed each person around, the running and dancing, everything.
She misses more than just them. But she isn’t sure how happy she would be without them, too.
“I know,” Handong replies thickly. “I think I’m able to come back soon, though. The ban was lifted…”
“Oh?” Yoohyeon sounds surprised, probably because she’s too busy to even look at the news. Crashing on her bed and-
And Handong isn’t there like she usually is, by her side (or any of theirs). She’s not holding Yoohyeon, or talking lowly with Yubin, because Yubin is so silent sometimes, like if they speak things will fall apart.
“Yeah,” Handong breathes out, eyes shutting. Her heart is thrumming and it shouldn’t. She never gets like this, ever. Her heart has only ever felt like this way back in the day when she was first getting to know everyone, learning their niches, habits, who they were before falling in love with them for those exact reasons. Her heart is weak, she decides. Weak because how can she forget how they make her feel when they’re so far away, but she still feels adored? When she hopes her words are taken sincerely, the texts and the longing, the calls and everything in between.
She just misses everything, but the word is starting to be used too much. She needs more words, but none work. How does she put 'I love you all with my entire heart, I think about all the moments we have shared, the birthdays and stages and practices. I long for your hands to be in mine, for late nights of cooking, I think about everything and how we can’t do it right now. My heart hurts every day, and there’s no way to mend it. Not yet.'
Words have never been enough, she supposes.
“Dong?” Yoohyeon speaks again, and Handong blinks back in time.
“Mhm?” She replies as if her thoughts hadn’t just swirled back to those nights where they didn’t have schedules and it was calm, people filtering in and out, but they were there, a call away.
“Soon,” Yoohyeon says quietly, and Handong can almost picture her steady nod, the one Yoohyeon makes when she’s so resolute on something. Like when she coaxed Yubin into confidence, telling them it would be okay and time was allowed. Or when Bora would lock herself away in a room, far away and alone, and Yoohyeon, steady as ever, could bring her back when all else failed.
“Soon,” Handong echoes. She knows she’ll come back someday, of course. It’s waiting until that day that’s the problem.
“I’m going into the studio, Siyeon is there right now. I’ll give her the phone and she can talk to you?” Yoohyeon offers, the sound of rustling keys and something dropping to the ground making Handong chuckle.
“If she has the time,” Handong replies. She stares at her laptop, the news page open from the notification she had received. In a deep black, the header announces with full relief, “Return to South Korea less regulated.”
“We will make time when we can, Dong. Too bad we’re not actually witches, or else I’d fly to you - we all would,” Yoohyeon answers sincerely.
“On your brooms across the moon?” Handong teases, “Will I see your silhouettes?”
“If that’s what it takes,” Yoohyeon jokes. Handong hears the familiar sound of the company doors beeping, incessant but missed.
“Almost there?” Handong asks, standing up from her couch and walking towards the kitchen. She opens up the fridge and ponders for a moment before taking out an apple. She sets it down on the kitchen table before grabbing a cup, filling it with ice.
“Are you making coffee at this hour?”
“That’s not an answer to my question.”
“Answer mine first.”
“No, not coffee. But it’s only 8 pm, you know.”
“Too late for coffee. Have a tea or something.”
Handong sighs, staring at her coffee machine with a forlorn expression. “Fine. Are you there yet?”
“I’m here,” Yoohyeon confirms, “I have to go in two minutes but Siyeon already sends a wave.”
“Tell her I’m waving back. I’m sure you guys can see me, right?”
“Oh, of course, you’re definitely not a few too many countries away or anything.” Handong snorts at Yoohyeons words, shaking her head.
“I have to go,” Yoohyeon says after a minute of silence, Handong cutting up her apple with the phone on speaker.
“Oh, right,” Handong begins, tries not to think about how she doesn't know when the next time she’ll hear Yoohyeons voice will be. “I’ll talk to you soon.”
“Of course,” Yoohyeon replied, before muttering something to someone in her ‘I’m not taking any shit right now’ voice. “I love you.”
Handong softens at her girlfriend’s words, staring at her phone screen fondly. “I love you, too. You’re gonna sound great.”
“Thank you,” Yoohyeon replies. “I’m giving you to Siyeon - good luck!”
She’s gone before Handong can reply, and in her place Siyeon voices take over, crackling only slightly.
“Hey, I missed you,” Siyeon says immediately and well, there goes Handongs words that were coming out of her mouth. Siyeon and her hadn’t been able to talk on the phone recently - none of them had, them all being too busy.
“I missed you, too,” Handong finally gets out. She snags a piece of her apple and begins to chew it, waiting for the kettle’s whistling to dwindle down.
“How are you?” Siyeon asks. There’s that calm lilt to her voice that only appears when a job is well done, so Handong can only assume that the tell-tale smile is also on the elders face. She misses it.
“Good,” Handong says. “I’ve made some plans with a few friends tomorrow, too.”
“Sounds nice,” Siyeon replies before cutting herself off to reply to someone. Handong catches the end of it, the words ‘and 2 pumps of vanilla’ all too familiar.
“Coffee? Are you not going back to the dorms?” Handong blurts out.
She hears Siyeon sigh heavily with exhaustion. “No, we’re going to the practice room. I’m waiting on Yoohyeon, she just needs to re-do some lines.”
“So Yoohyeon will let you have a coffee but not me?” Handong grumbles, chewing another piece of apple.
Siyeon laughs into the microphone, “Last time I checked, you didn’t have to be up late tonight.”
“Still!” Handong protests, “Yubin would agree with me.”
“Yubin is too whipped to do otherwise. They’re also inhaling coffee on the daily, too, Dong.”
Handong frowns in frustration, but she shouldn’t. She should still be used to the idol lifestyle - it wasn’t that long ago that she was up all hours of the day for the show. But that was months ago now. She rarely has those late nights where she’s up dancing until 7 am. She has more time to do it during the day than ever. Of course, she practises, she doesn’t let anything slide by. But she doesn’t have the obligations they do. She’s learning at a different pace now, with no certain time to be back by. Time doesn't exist the same for her as it does for them. For her, time is counting down the elusive days until she can return to them.
“How is everyone else doing?” Handong asks instead.
“Good, I think?”
“You think?”
“We’re good, I promise. As good as things can be when you aren’t here and we’re running on a few hours sleep every night if we’re lucky.”
When you aren’t here.
She’s not there, not the way she wishes she could be. If it was up to her, she’d convince the manager to get Yubin a decaf instead of a strong coffee, and snap Bora out of her long reveries of overworking, and help Minji sort out time slots, and organise the kitchen on a day off with Yoohyeon. She would lie in bed beside Gahyeon and listen to her talk, rub her back and tell her it would be fine in the end, the pieces of hurt they all feel will be worth it.
This time of hurt will be worth it, she reminds herself.
“I’ll be back sooner rather than later, I’m sure. Either way, I have most of the choreography down and my recordings are done and approved.” Handong replies proudly.
“I’m proud of you,” Siyeon says kindly. Handong hears some rustling, probably Siyeon shuffling around the couch, curling into herself to get comfortable. “Is the choreographer being nicer?”
“She is,” Handong smiles. “You know what she said to me?”
“Tell me.”
“She came up to me and said ‘I’m sorry for being a bitch, my cat died and my boyfriend didn’t even care. You reminded me of her so I cried in the bathroom for an hour. Sorry for that, I buried her yesterday so it’s getting better.’”
Siyeon burst out into laughter, sharp and distinctive through the receiver. “What did you say back?”
Handongs lip twitched upwards, “I told her I think her boyfriend seems to suck.”
“Handong-” Siyeon began, choking back a laugh. “Are you allowed to ask that?”
“She laughed and agreed, so I don’t think she minded much,” Handong replies honestly.
“I love your humour sometimes,” Siyeon sighs out.
“Only sometimes?”
“When it’s directed at me, I don’t.”
“Do you want me to stop?”
“Stop what?”
“I mean-” Handong huffed, realising the kettle had long since boiled. “Does it upset you? Do you want me to stop...I know my humour can be…”
“Hilarious,” Siyeon finishes for Handong. “Trust me, babe. I don’t mind at all.”
“Okay,” Handong nods to herself before switching the topic. “Things are going okay, I got to see my family and friends. Most of the restrictions have been lightened and lifted...Just catching up.”
“Good, you deserve it.” Siyeon sounds so confident, but it’s always so hard to hear. How does she deserve it? Because she moved to South Korea? How does she know she deserves anything? Is she allowed to think she deserves something?
“Thank you,” She replies anyways.
Siyeon sighs lowly, “So what do you think of the new music? We didn’t get to talk about them.”
“The demos were good,” Handong starts off. “I liked them, I did. I’m excited to see how things go from here.”
“Me too,” Siyeon agrees. “Rose blue was fun but -”
“Would’ve been better with me?” Handong finishes. “I’m starting to see a pattern.”
“I think that pattern is called being deeply in love with my girlfriend and missing her a lot? Not sure though,” Siyeon replies sarcastically.
Handong clicks her tongue in faux annoyance, “Of course.”
“I know we all say it a lot but Handong I really fucking miss you,” Siyeon says quietly. And Siyeon is right, they all say it a lot. In the random texts that vary from 4 am to 3 pm, anytime anyplace. Handong thinks it’s funny how when she’s in Korea, she misses her family, but when she’s home, she misses her family, too.
“I miss you too,” Handong swallows, “All of you.”
“I know,” Siyeon replies sincerely. “Not to be gay but you’re beautiful, by the way.”
“You can’t even see me-”
“And?”
“....You’re beautiful, too.”
“Correct, I am.”
“I hate you.”
“No, you don’t.”
“No, I don’t.”
“Thought so,” Siyeon sounds smug and Handong can all but see a sly smile on her girlfriends face. “Handong?”
“Yeah?”
“I have to go,” Siyeon replies dejectedly. “Yoohyeon is just finishing up.”
“That was pretty quick,” Handong notes.
“She’s just that talented, we know,” Siyeon replies and Handong hums her agreement. Because yeah, it’s true. Yoohyeon is talented - they all are.
“Can you keep me on until you get to the practice room? So I can say hi to everyone?” Handong asks awkwardly, finishing off the last piece of her apple.
“Of course- oh! Yoohyeon is out, she’s coming over here. And she’s smiling, it must have gone well. God, she’s so pretty, I wish I could send you a picture-”
The phone rustles for a second, the mixture of Yoohyeon and Siyeon’s laughter blaring through the phone speaker and Handong can’t help but laugh along with their antics.
“Dongie!” Yoohyeon sings out again, her usual greeting.
“How’d it go?” Handong asks, walking back from her kitchen and plopping back onto the couch. She stares at her now turned off laptop, presses the space bar and watches it blink back to life. The start-up presents itself within a few moments, and Handong hums along to Yoohyeon’s response as she types in the password.
“It was good, just a few line reviews and to go over some other stuff like word changes! Nothing bad. Oooh, Siyeon is grabbing our stuff just one second.”
“Okay,” Handong replies with a smile, checking her emails, wondering if there was anything from the company about the news. She presses refresh as she haphazardly listens to the sounds happening all the way over in the happyface building, the giggles from Siyeon, a small ‘plop’ sound that Handong can guess with 100% accuracy is Yoohyeon dropping something or running into the edge of the couch of the studio’s waiting room. Sure enough, the email pops up in her inbox, her smile widening as she skims over it.
“Good news” and “We’re so excited” along with the usual jumbo of rules and regulations.
A little closer, it seems, to being with them again.
“Okay, hi, we’re back!” Siyeon speaks into the phone, Yoohyeon echoing the elder’s words.
“We’re going up the stairs!” Yoohyeon fills Handong in as if the sound of echoing footsteps hadn’t given it away already.
“Did Siyeon get her coffee?” Handong asks, diverting her eyes from her laptop screen and staring at her ceiling.
“I did! And so did Yoo,” Siyeon replies.
“You’re telling me Yoohyeon got herself a coffee, but somehow still won’t let me drink one?” Handong protests, sitting up. She looks around blearily, eyes out of focus after closing them. She catches the blurry edges of the clock, and paintings her parents had decorated this apartment with years ago.
“Uhm,” Yoohyeon stutters over her words. “What will happen if I say yes?”
“I kick your ass?” Handong proposes easily.
Siyeon snickers, “Please, you can barely scold her.”
“Fuck off,” Handong mutters.
“It’s the truth!” Siyeon protests.
“Doesn’t mean I want to hear it!”
Another door beeps as its opened, and suddenly the sound of their newest song is blaring through the phone. Handong winces, holding the phone away from her ear. She frowns at her phone for a second until the loudness dies down.
“Sorry! The sound system is a little fucked at the moment” Yoohyeon finally speaks up, the song completely shut off.
“It’s fine,” Handong replies quickly. “Is everyone there?”
“Yep!” Siyeon responds. “Everyone say hi to Dongie!”
Oh, so they were subjecting her to the yelling that would follow-
“Dongie?”
“She’s on the phone? HEY DONG HOW ARE YOU?”
“DONG YOU LOOK HOT AS FUCK WITH THE RED HAIR BY THE WAY!”
“Minji you can’t just say that-”
“But it’s true?”
“Okay but how about being romantic?”
“Well, I can’t exactly bring her out for a candlelit dinner and then make out with her can I?”
“That’s beside the point!”
“Oh my God, shut up!” Ah, finally, the voice of reason: Yubin.
“Hi, Yubs,” Handong giggles, rolling her eyes.
“Hi, Dong,” Yubin replies softly. “How are you doing?”
“I’m good, good,” Handong replies, curling into a ball of joy as she hears the chaos happening around Yubin in their practice room. “How are you doing?”
“I’m okay, we all are. We’re just doing some extra practice tonight for a while, you know...the usual.”
Of course, Handong knows, the memories haven’t left her with all the distance between them. She can still pinpoint the exact moment she realised this was her forever group, the third week of relentless practice when they had gone through the choreography as if it was new, never done before. Of course, she remembers, time and time again, how hard they all worked on everything daily to perfect their skills. She doesn’t think she’ll ever forget the exhaustion after the adrenaline has stopped pumping through her body. It’s not possible.
“The usual,” Handong repeats with a smile. Is it bad that she loves how hard they work? The relentless hours and aching bodies? The aftermath of hours bending backwards to get the move just right?
“ I WANNA SAY HI TO HER!”
“HANG ON, SO DO I!”
“We all want to say hi to her, dumbass! I’ll put it on speaker!”
“Hi Dong!” Comes Gahyens excited voice, followed by Bora echoing the words.
“Hi, guys! I just wanted to say good luck, and don’t push much harder than usual, okay?”
“Of course,” Minji’s voice appears among everyone else agreements. “We promise.”
“Good! I’ll...leave you guys to it, then,” Handong says finally.
“Alright, yeah,” Bora mumbles sadly. “Handong?”
“Uh-huh?” Handong murmurs.
“We love you, a lot,” Bora says immediately, everyone else chorusing the words in tandem. Handong blushes red, a smile appearing as quickly as it had dropped earlier.
“I love you all too, softies,” Handong responds with, her heart warm. She feels it beat hard against her chest, her throat tightening with the echoed reminder of them, and the feeling of their hands and love and-
“Bye, Dongie,” Yoohyeon says finally, and the call ends.
Handong stares up at the ceiling again, a bundle of emotions engulfing her tensely, she can feel them wrapping around her in waves, the laps of longing racing around her thoughts, the incessant reminder of what she could do, if only she was there. She wonders, quietly, something among many things she will probably never say, if they’ll ever see her apartment. If she’ll ever be able to show them her home again.
Handong looks down to her coffee table, to her laptop, still on and bright. She can still see the email, the words and the hope that’s rising.
A little longer, she reminds herself. Just a little longer.
------------------
Handong responds to the email the next morning, confirming the date and flight time. A few days later, the next email she receives is a pdf file of her plane ticket and some clear instructions on what she’s meant to do. And at the very end, in bold, underlined, is a strong reminder that the members aren’t to know she’s returning. Handong isn’t sure if she can get away with the secret, fansites will probably catch her in the act of leaving the airport. That being said, her two week quarantine period means they can’t even visit her if they wanted to.
She talks with her parents, begins packing up her bags, calls her friends and makes sure everything’s in order. Her passport was cleared by the government and she knows, finally, she’s returning. It still stabs her in the gut, the reminder that her partners think she won’t be coming back yet. They think the government didn’t clear her, that she’s still in China and are texting her ‘i miss you’s’ and ‘The government is homophobic for keeping us from you even longer.”
Admittedly, Handong had laughed at the second one. She had stared at the message from Yoohyeon with a fond smile before typing out a reply. ‘I think the whole country is, too, babe.’
Handong spends the duration of her drive to the airport wracked with nerves, anxious as ever and hoping no fansites catch her. She has her mask up high, a bucket hat covering her face and a hoodie covering her head. But then again, fans seem to know who she is no matter what any of them try.
Then, the flight. It’s not the worst one they’ve had to date. She’s been on longer, this being just over three hours so she spends the majority of the time reading a book Yubin had recommended her and listening to their finalised mini-album which was emailed to her a week prior. Her legs are bouncing nervously as the hours dwindle down. By the time the plane has landed, the seatbelt sign turned off, Handong has bitten around half of her fingers and she can feel an aggressive headache taking shape. She chugs back a little water, standing up and reaching for her carry-on bag, grunting as she nearly loses its grip. She follows the flow of people out of the aeroplane, breathing in deeply because holy fuck, she’s made it halfway there. She’s finally in South Korea after all the prep, the waiting. It feels surreal, but she looks out the windows as she walks, distinctly remembering all the other times she has done so. This time, she’s flying completely solo. Not even any security, just one staff member of the airport who brings her through the back ways, explaining the coming procedures. She listens intently, nodding before taking a seat in the government-issued taxi that she knows will bring her to the hotel room she’s to stay in for 2 weeks. She knows full and well her baggage is being cleaned properly and she’ll get it within hours. She knows all the procedures, all the rules. She had drilled them all into her head, preparing herself for the coming weeks of self-isolation.
The first thing she does is check her phone for messages, and surely there are a few from the group chat with her members, some from her parents. With her hands shaking with nerves, she checks to see if anything had been leaked of her return. She knows she’s been in Korea for mere hours, but that’s all it takes no matter how big or small you are.
Thankfully, she made it out unscathed. She can isolate alone with quite literally no obligations other than to stay in a room and be as stagnant as possible. She had taken plenty of photos that she can post on social media back in her apartment so that nobody can try and analyse the backgrounds, she knows the rules the company had told her about. She wasn’t planning on breaking too many.
When she enters her hotel room for the next two weeks, her first feeling is pure relief because well, she really needs to use the bathroom. But when that’s done with, she does a deep dive of her room. Opens all the cabinets and drawers, searches the closet and checks the kitchen appliances and fridge. Everything in here she was free to use, with no extra charge. The care package was sitting at the foot of her bed and she eagerly picked it up, looking through the foods offered and storing them away in the kitchen. Hastily, she makes herself a drink of water (she was tempted by the wine, but nevertheless stuck to water...she’d get back to it later, though).
With everything said and done, she finally lay down on her bed. Her back was resting against the pillows and she grabbed the bedside remote, turning on the TV which - holy shit, a smart TV? She could watch youtube and Netflix on this thing?
There are some things this country does right, and it seems this is one of them.
She lazily flicks through the videos on youtube, settling for a random album compilation as she unlocks her phone, reading through the barrage of messages she’s missed. She opens the groupchat and reads though the texts, laughing under her breath at the picture Bora had sent in of Yubin glaring at Siyeon who had somehow wormed her way onto Yubin’s lap. Handong snorted when she zoomed in and noticed the faintest of blush on Yubins face. She happily replied to some of their messages before exiting out and telling her parents she had arrived alright and everything had gone well.
With the obligatory messages and socialising out of the way, she placed her phone on the bedside table and huddled into herself sleepily. She was going to read more of her book, but it was still in her bag and she really didn’t have the effort to stand up just yet. She can take a short nap, can't she?
(She does).
--------------------
It’s on the tenth day that she’s caught in the act. The groupchat had been more active, the others taking a rest between dance practice and some vocal pre-recording that they hadn’t told Handong what it was for just yet. That being said, Handong was laughing at their messages, scrolling through her Instagram as the messages filtered through. Her eyes caught a meme, and she chuckled to herself at it. She haphazardly took a screenshot of it, sending it into the group chat before replying to some of their texts. She’s in the middle of typing out a response to Yubin’s daily ‘have you eaten? Don’t forget to drink water!’ text when Minji’s message pops up.
Is that SK Telecom service?????
And thus, the chaos begins. Next, Yoohyeon is sending in a million key smashes while a photo of her service provider is circled, and sure enough, its' SK Telecom. She was so close….four more days. Handong takes a deep breath, preparing herself for the phone call she's about to receive.
Sure enough, her phone rings with the familiar sound of bells dinging and she answers, holding the phone away from her ear in preparation for the yelling.
“Han Dong?!? Where the FUCK are you?” Minji’s voice comes out loud and clear, but she winces at the chaos coming from the others. Gahyeon is talking over Minji, questions flying out, and Handong can barely catch her words with how quick they’re coming.
“I’m uh…..in China, still?” She winces at how unconvincing she is, knowing full and well none of them would believe her for a second.
“Bullshit!” Bora’s voice soars through, and Handong almost laughs at the elders’ tone.
“Okay, hear me out-”
“Listen here you little shit-” Minji begins, only for Handong to interrupt her the same as Minji had done to her.
“Don’t take that tone with me! I’m not Gahyeon!” Handong protests, sitting up on her bed.
“Hey!” Gahyeon yells out.
“Gahyeon, pipe down you loser!” Bora replies to the youngest, and Handong can only imagine the chaos happening behind the scenes.
“I’m in Korea,” Handong says finally, holding her breath for their reactions.
“Are you fucking serious?” Yubin curses out, “Since when? How did the fansites not catch you? Why didn’t you tell us?”
“The company told me not to!” Handong defended herself. “I wanted to surprise you all…”
“I mean, that is kinda cute,” Yoohyeon mumbles and Handong laughs.
“Thanks for the backup, Yoo.”
“Is that why we have the day off in a few days?”
“Yeah,” Handong breathes out in relief. “I’ll be able to see you guys in a few days after I get my testing done and am cleared.”
“Oh my god, really?” Comes Bora’s squeal, followed by her laughing excitedly. Handong smiles to herself, completely relieved that they aren’t mad or upset with her.
“Does this mean we can have a candlelit dinner and I can-”
“Minji there are children here!” Handong interrupts her girlfriend.
“If you call any of us children again I’m calling the police. You’re dating all of us, babe. Shut up,” Yubin deadpans.
“Well, Gahyeon is the elder squads child….”
“But I’m not Handongs!” Gahyeon protests.
“How is this the conversation we’re having of all things when I tell you guys I'm four days away from seeing you all in person?” Handong asks in disbelief, taking a sip of water from her glass.
“We’re kinda useless, Dongie. You know this,” Minji jokes.
“That’s true,” Handong replies fondly, rolling her eyes.
“...We’ve got to go. We’ll call later, okay?” Bora says dejectedly. “Love you!”
“Love you, too!” Handong replies happily before ending the call with a sigh.
Oh, she’s fucked.
---------------------
Much like the day two weeks ago on the plane, her right leg is bouncing aggressively, she’s biting her lip as her heart hammers through her chest. Her brain is a fuzzy mess of scrambled eggs, she can barely discern her nerves from her excitement. Her manager had met her with open arms, pulling her in for a friendly hug before helping her haul her luggage into the car. The group had been pulled into the last choreography change earlier that morning and had been stuck working through the kinks of it. Handong should be with them, she knows this. She wishes she could already be in the studio, counting up to four in her hand and matching her limbs to the beats, cheering and joking with everyone. But she’s not (yet).
Either way, the drive home is abhorrently long and she spent the majority of her time checking and rechecking her bags, muttering to herself and answering the manager’s questions.
She unlocks the apartment door with minimal struggles, her heart beating in her throat as she takes in the familiar but...but changed rooms. The kitchen is cleaner than it used to be, and they got a new coffee machine, it seems. There's a picture on the mantlepiece that’s new, the seven of them just before Handong had left. The hallway was neat, shoes stacked on the foot-shelves. She wheels in her bag, her manager following with the others. She pulls her mask down again when the apartment door is closed behind her. Her manager catches her attention and she turns to look at her, listening to her explain some new rules to follow with the virus still rampant, how she still has to go straight to practice tomorrow morning with her members but to enjoy her first night back. Her manager backs away with a final wink, and Handong blushes bright red at the implications.
Either way, she wheels her suitcases into her and Gahyeon’s bedroom quietly, turning on the lights as she goes. When she enters her bedroom, a strangled breath leaves her. She can smell Gahyeons perfume, and feel the little pieces of Gahyeon around the room. How the desk had been cleaned up, the makeup and perfume sorted neatly on the window sill, only half taken up.
Gahyeon still thinks of her, makes her space in their room no matter how long she has been gone.
She chokes back another breath as she crouches down and picks up a stray teddy that must have fallen from Gahyeon’s bed. She holds it close to her chest with one hand, using her other hand to fully bring her bags in. She leaves them at the wall and opens up the closet, shamelessly taking one of Gahyeons oversized hoodies and one of her left behind tracksuits. She leaves the teddy on her bead, a small panda with fuzzy ears and makes her way to the bathroom.
Everything feels so overwhelmingly familiar, like the random sticky notes on the walls, the framed picture of the whole gang, everyone’s parents in one place. She shuffles into the bathroom and her shoulders sag with comfort. It's the familiar scent of the shampoo and conditioner they all share, hoarded in heaps. Peach and raspberry takes over her senses as she stares at herself in the mirror.
She’s home.
-----------------------------
She shamelessly treks around the apartment, hands trailing against the walls, stares at the couch in their living room, takes a seat and curls into a ball with the panda she had picked up earlier. She sits there, in complete silence, and takes a moment to enter the uncharted territory of comfort. Of being home, after months away. Part of her wants to cry, another wants to sleep in the comfort of her rickety bed, the sound of Gahyeon’s little sighs either above her or beside her. She forgot how much she missed the little things, like the row of diet coke in the fridge, as well as the sound of the shower as it splutters water when first turned on, taking a few moments to come to life.
She missed everything, and she isn’t sure how much longer she can wait until the final pieces of the puzzle are fixed. Part of her wants to say fuck it and go to the company, but she knows she’ll be caught and that can’t happen just yet. She doesn’t want her reunion with her girlfriends to be in an office trying to figure out what to do now that the fans know she’s back.
They can’t know yet, Handong isn’t supposed to be back yet. She’s a surprise.
The couch still has its worn down bumps and lumps, but she settles into her usual place without a thought to it. Her legs curl inwards and she dances around her thoughts, only staying in place for a few more moments before she gets too antsy and has to move along.
She sits up and walks back into her bedroom, taking a seat on the bed. It feels the same as it has since the beginning but Handong smiles to herself softly. Even though they had cleaned her sheets last night, Handong can still smell Gahyeon on her duvet and pillow. Which means Gahyeon also slept in her bed last night.
Handong leans her head on the pillow once again, looking up at the base of Gahyeons bed and mattress with gentle familiarity. She has never felt so disturbed by her own feelings before. She’s not used to being gone without at least a few of her partners being with her. But now she’s here, and her thoughts are bringing her back to all the little moments with each of her members.
Like the night Yoohyeon had huddled under her covers, wrapped her arms around Handongs waist and whispered like it was the worlds worst kept secret that she was scared. Handong isn’t sure what made her the perfect candidate for Yoohyeon to trust, but she felt blessed either way. So she held Yoohyeon close to her, like she never got to before, and told her, a thousand times, that they could be terrified together.
Handong thinks of the nights where she couldn’t sleep, and she’d crawl up the ladder and right into Gahyeons arms, the younger open and ready to give the soothing motion of a backrub and loving words.
Handong has always felt so lucky, always. This bed has given her thousands of memories, like her first kiss with Minji, and the time Yubin had come to her, breaking down into tears and choked out their first honest words.
Handong simply cannot forget a single moment when it comes to them. She can’t help but trace each memory back, from the beginning to this day. The little things, the touch of a hand in her own, a kiss against her forehead and the heat of a body surrounding her.
She closes her eyes, and she knows when she wakes up those feelings will return.
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When Handong comes to, it’s to Gahyeon shaking her shoulder gently, a smile on her face. Handong blinks groggily, hand wrapping around Gahyeon’s wrist as she pulls the younger closer.
“Gahyeon?” She rasps out, peering up at the younger, eyes soft and lips pursed in thought.
“Hi, Dongie,” Gahyeon whispers gently, her left hand reaching forward and rubbing Handongs cheek. Handong closes her eyes at the sensation, drowning in the feeling of Gahyeon all around her. She had felt the faint scent earlier, but Gahyeon is here and it envelops her soothingly, all while Gahyeon is looking as pretty as ever and shes touching Handong for the first time in months.
“Gahyeon,” Handong repeats her name, smiling wider. “Cuddle?”
Gahyeon laughs lightly but nods eagerly anyways, letting Handong pull her down onto the bed. Handong wraps her arms around her girlfriend, smile bubbling into a grin as quickly as joy had appeared.
“You’re here,” Handong mumbles into Gahyeons hair, genuinely in shock. Gahyeon is here, with Handong, and she gets to hold her and inhale the familiar perfume for the first time in so fucking long it should be a crime. Handong’s brain shortcuts as her thoughts reel.
“Oh my God,” she breathes out, then takes a sharp breath in. “You’re all here?”
Gahyeon’s hand that was rubbing up and down Handong’s arm pauses briefly. “Minji is showering, but yeah...We’re all here.”
Handong squeezes the girl a little tighter and despite the fact that she can’t see Gahyeons face (illegal, really. Gahyeon is too beautiful to not be seen), she knows the younger is smiling. She can feel the subtle flex of the youngers mouth against her stomach, and then she realises she’s still wearing Gahyeons hoodie, too.
“I hope you don’t mind,” Handong begins mumbling, “But I put on your hoodie.”
“I can see that baby,” Gahyeon laughs lightly, tugging at the kangaroo pocket of the hoodie, snaking her hand through it and pulling Handong in closer. “You look cute.”
“Do I?” Handong asks quietly, smiling to herself.
“Absolutely adorable. You look pretty in pink, too.”
“I think it’s the hair,” Handong adds in.
“I think it’s just you,” Gahyeon replies immediately. “You’re pretty all the time.”
“Oh,” Handong sighs shyly, “Thank you…”
“Mhm,” Gahyeon hummed. “Do you wanna see the others?”
“I would love that,” Hnadong says immediately. The two sit up in tandem, but Gahyeon looks up at Handong gently, the younger's hands taking a hold of Handong’s. Handong catches the younger eyes, how they flicker about Handongs face, and if the elder wasn’t doing the exact same, she’d laugh. They sit there for a second, settling into the feeling of having each other again, looking at each other's faces and taking in the little things. It’s not like much has changed, other than each other's hair.
“Your pink hair is so fucking pretty,” Handong finally speaks up, running a few fingers through it silently. Gahyeon smiles shyly, whispering a soft thank you. They stay silent for a few moments before Gahyeon finally speaks up, her voice soft and thick with tension.
“Can I kiss you?”
The question shouldn’t affect her the way it does, but Handong nods eagerly, thoughts gone to mush before she leans into Gahyeon slowly. She inhales deeply and lets Gahyeon take the lead, knowing the pace was up to Gahyeon. Her hand remains at the back of Gahyeons head, threading through the younger's hair as she feels Gahyeons free hand roam up her arm, wrapping around her neck. It’s soft, and Handong can’t explain how much she misses it. The feeling of Gahyeon, in whatever form she’s okay with, has always been enough for Handong. But this? This is something Handong will always love. She could kiss Gahyeon forever, feel the gentle brush of lips and the little giggle Gahyeon lets out sometimes. Handong feels set for life with Gahyeon, and completely prepared when she’s with the others, too.
Gahyeon hums before pulling away, taking her arm back and Handong retracts the same way. She looks down at Gahyeon for just a moment, eyes obviously soft and full of adoration.
“I love you,” Handong says, brushing a strand of hair out of Gahyeons face.
“I love you, too,” Gahyeon replies sincerely, blushing at Handongs gentle touch. “Let’s go see the others, yeah?”
“M’kay,” Handong nods excitedly, taking Gahyeons hand and following her out of the bedroom. She walks down the hallway with Gahyeon in silence, their hands swinging until they reach the living room.
“Dongie!!” Yoohyeon cheers, leaping up and rushing towards Handong. She stops steps away from the elder, smile wide and eyes half shut.
“Come here,” Handong whines, pulling Yoohyeon in for a tight hug. She sways them from side to side before feeling arms continue to wrap around the two of them from all angles. They stand there for a few moments, completely silent except for the little giggles from someone.
When they pull apart, disentangling themselves from one another, Handongs smile is a mile wide and her heart is leaping higher than her aeroplane was in the sky all those months ago.
Handong hadn’t felt so happy in so long...she missed the feeling of being engulfed in love, it surrounding her everywhere she was, with each of them.
“Wow fuck, your hair,” Handong breathes out, looking at the hair changes. Yubins blue hair was so dark...but somehow so vibrant, beautifully shaping their face. “You look...oh wow,” Hnadong swallows her words.
“Agreed,” the others murmur in tandem, causing Yubin to blush at the compliment. They turn away, cheeks bright red.
“Uhm, we brought mattresses into the living room….we...don’t want to leave your side just yet,” Yubin explains, pointing towards the mattresses covered in duvets and pillows on the ground.
“And the food is on the way,” Minji pipes up with, leaning in to kiss Handong on the cheek.
“This sounds so nice,” Handong breathes out, grabbing Siyeon's hand and pulling her close. In return, Siyeons slips an arm around her waist and snuggles in deeply.
“You deserve it,” Bora replied seriously. “And it’s a big day! You’re home.”
“I’m home,” Handong repeats softly to herself.
She follows Yoohyeon who had excitedly plopped herself onto the mattress, lying over her body and curling into her like a cat. Yoohyeon giggles quietly, gesturing for Handong to come closer before whispering the question. Handong nods, letting Yoohyeon kiss her chastely before she feels someone cuddle into her from behind. Yubin’s head settles on Handongs shoulder for a few moments as they whisper gently into her ear.
“I missed you so much,” Yubin admits.
“I missed you too, so much,” Handong replies, grasping Yubin’s hand and giving it a squeeze. Yubin nods subtly before rolling away, likely going to help some of the others with the drinks.
She sits up, pulling Yoohyeon with her and letting the girl settle in between her legs, her back leaning against the couch.
“What’s for dinner?” She asks, and Bora, who was just walking in from the kitchen with a packet of diet coke in her arm, smiles.
“A surprise!” Bora cheers, setting the cans on the coffee table. “Can I cuddle you now, please?” she whines.
Handong laughs before nodding but keeping her hold around Yoohyeons waist, not wanting the younger to leave her. Bora bounces towards her, plopping down on her right and snuggling into her carefully.
“You smell like Gahyeonie,” Bora giggles, head shaking a little as she finds a comfy place on Handongs shoulder.
“It’s her hoodie,” Handong explains simply with a shrug. Yoohyeon leans back into Handong just a little more, and Handong catches the younger's hand searching for Bora's before holding it tightly.
“Comfy?” Handong whispers into the younger's ear, and Yoohyeon tenses for just a second before nodding.
“Mhm, with you here, definitely.”
“What am I, chopped liver?” Bora protests, looking ready to let go of Yoohyeons hand but stops when Yoohyeon only holds tighter.
It works, because Bora doesn’t even think about letting go of Yoohyeons hand, not even for a second.
“Love you both,” Bora mumbles into Handongs shoulder, and Handong all but melts.
Her insides are on fire in the best way possible, her skin alight, red and happy with each touch or kiss pressed against her skin. She feels her cheeks turn bright red, letting the positions shift, each person taking their turn in Handongs arms. Handong watches them move with ease, accommodating to the other’s needs silently. Like how Minji doesn’t even think before patting her lap, seeing the soft look Yoohyeon had given her just a few seconds prior, allowing the other to settle her head there. Or how Handong just knew from Yubin’s demeanour that tonight wasn’t the best night for them to be touched, but that didn’t mean they didn’t want to touch Handong. For a good hour, Handong was in Yubin’s arms, cradled in between them. Handong had never felt more comfortable in her life, not in months.
The food was passed around hours ago, and Handong pressed her body into Siyeon’s shyly, despite all the time they’ve been together. She wraps her arms around the elder’s waist, holds her close and breaths in the familiarity of how Siyeon’s shoulders dip and dive as she breathes, deep and intense, but so, so familiar it feels like home. Handong’s hand is held by Minji’s, who’s lying behind her, face against the younger's back. She can feel the trace of Minji’s fingers, one thumb rubbing the palm of Handong’s hand, while the other is tracing small hearts under her hoodie, on her stomach, gentle and homely, the feeling the same as always: safe.
Handong can hear their respective breaths, Yubins softer ones from above on the couch, curled up into themselves but still close enough that it feels like they have never left Handongs side. Yoohyeons little snores are a little further, but everyone’s legs are entangled, and Handong wouldn’t be surprised if the foot rubbing up against her leg lazily was Yoohyeons. She’s always moving, even when she’s asleep.
Handong knows Bora and Gahyeon are at the furthest end, and she can only imagine the gentleness of them together. How Bora always has an arm over Gahyeon protectively, even in the waiting room of events. Gahyeon is probably sleeping with her cheek against Bora’s soft shoulder, eyes fluttering even in their sleep.
Handong realises, that despite all the time apart, they have always been here. What they do, who they are together, the little ticks, the feelings that envelop Handong at every given moment, have never dwindled, never stopped happening. And it’s not that they’ve grown stronger because absence makes the heart grow fonder or any other romantic phrase, because truly her heart has never hurt more than being away from them. But here, with them surrounding her, the lights low because Yoohyeon hates the dark and she wakes up in the middle of the night so often that it can spook her, Handong has never felt more certain of the joy she feels surrounded by unconditional love. Nothing compares to this, and it never will. She can only hope that it lasts forever, and she never loses them.