Your chest tightens and everything hurts it hurts it hurts it hurts.
Joel is dead and he isn't anywhere to be found. You will never see him squinting his eyes and you will never hear his thunder-like voice and you will never punch his shoulder and he is dead. He's cold and dead and alone in the ground and there is nothing nothing nothing you can do.
You were so angry at him all you saw is red. You wanted him gone. You wanted him hurt. You never wanted him dead.
You wanted the blood and you wanted the pain and you wanted him to know how much you hate him.
Only you don't.
(You don't you don't you don't and)
(What a fucking idiot you are).
//
Anger is familiar. Anger is easy. Anger paints your world red and vivid and simple. Anger makes you run faster, makes you aim better, makes you live harder.
Pain is familiar. Pain is easy. Pain makes you scream in agony in the middle of the night. Pain makes you sharper and meaner and smarter. Pain makes you move and do and act. Pain drowns the other feelings and leaves you empty enough to go on.
Loss is familiar. Loss is easy. You have lost so much in the short span of your life, you think it must be second nature to you. Loss is sharp and suffocating and endless. Loss settles hard in your chest, pushes fast at your lungs, leaves you breathless and crying and alone.
//
Dina is everything like home and nothing like calmness and she makes your heart go faster and slower at the same time. Dina is nothing familiar and everything exciting and you never cared for brown eyes before, but now you find yourself composing poems about wood and fire and chocolate and her hot hot hot skin against your shivering body.
Dina smiles easy and laughs open and jokes kindly and
(You never stood a chance).
She calls you stupid pet names and pinches your cheek. She says your name gently and kisses you softly and when she hugs you it's with gently arms and sad smiles and whispered "I love you"s.
You ask her about her sister and listen when she prays, repetitive words in an ancient language you don't understand. You put your head on her lap and let her smooth your hair. You kiss her stomach and think about how to keep her yours forever.
When your days are nothing but darkness, Dina is your light. She doesn't try to make you talk. She doesn't ask questions. Instead, she talks about the green hills of her childhood, about old tales she used to like, about colour and space and everything soothing.
//
JJ is a small bundle of blankets and sharp sounds and soft skin and you love him with everything you've got.
You look at Dina, eyes big and mouth wide, face splitting with laughter.
"He looks like a potato." You tell her and your voice is small and choked and panicked.
Dina is so exhausted she just smiles and closes her eyes.
You sit next to her and put your palm on her head, the other on JJ's little body. He's warm and solid and he sleeps soundly.
"I will never let anything harm you." You say to both of them.
You wish Joel could have seen you right now.
You wish Jesse would be here.
You don't think about Abby for almost three days.
//
Tommy has tears in his one seeing eye and he hugs you a hug that reminds you of Joel. His arms are strong and he crushes you to him, shaking and laughing and crying at the same time. He's hurting you but you don't mind.
You take a deep breath and imagine it's Joel you're hugging.
(They smell the same).
//
You dream and dream and dream about pools of blood and red smiles and golf clubs and foreign words. You dream about screaming you dream about crying you dream about being tortured to death and you wake up gasping and bowling and covered in sweat.
//
You used to laugh hard and joke easily and run freely. You used to enjoy the cold and the snow, the sun and the heat, the smell of a small busy town, and the quiet of huge dangerous woods.
You used to look at your own hands and see the history that isn't covered in blood, drowning in hatred.
When Dina kisses you and sighs hot and wanting into your mouth, you feel like a fraud. You move your fingers right, and you kiss with something close to passion and you gasp when she hits all the right spots, but when her breath is steady and she's falling asleep, all you can think about is what a fucking coward you are.
Maria tells you to keep away from Tommy. You listen. You keep away from everybody and try to pretend your world isn't falling apart.
//
Your chest tightens and everything hurts it hurts it hurts it hurts.
Joel is dead and he isn't anywhere to be found. You will never see him squinting his eyes and you will never hear his thunder-like voice and you will never punch his shoulder and he is dead. He's cold and dead and alone in the ground and there is nothing nothing nothing you can do.
Dina tried her best to keep you close, but the revenge burned holy in you and you left. you thought killing is the answer and you turned your world into an ocean of blood. You lost count after thirty new corpses and you couldn't even hold your pencil right.
Abby was your only future (bloody, violent future) and you let her go.
You were so angry at her you saw red. You wanted her gone. You wanted her hurt. You wanted her dead and bleeding and
(What difference does it make? Her death cannot bring Joel back. Too much blood has been spilled and nothing you will do can bring him back).
You wanted blood and you wanted the pain and you wanted her to know how much you hate her.
You didn't care about Dina or JJ or Tommy. You wanted something to ease your pain, your violence.
//
Death isn't the answer. You realise it when you look into scared scared scared eyes.
You don't want to be the reason for someone to lose everything they have.
You think about Lev, beaten half to death, arms stretched towards the only person who he still got left and you think about JJ. You think about Dina. You think about your own reflection in a dirty bathroom back in Boston, when you still thought you had a chance.
You don't want to hurt Abby. You want the pain to go away.
(What a fucking idiot you are).
//
(What a fucking idiot you are).