Day eight of Ivy's move in, Joker tried to kill her.
It was kinda inevitable. Harley knew it, they all knew it was gonna happen sooner or later. The only question truly worth asking was who was gonna drop the first shoe.
In Harleys defense she never claimed that moving in together was a good idea.
It was more for the practicality then anything else. One hideout was easier to get then two. And she didn't have to split her time between them as much. It was little simple points always followed by a long argument.
It took years of convincing but after Ivy's old place was compromised by some pigs, she finally agreed.
Even Joker seemed excited about this new living situation. Although she would bet her collectors edition of playing cards with a celebrity caricatures theme, that he was more excited there was someone new to mess with then any genuine desire to befriend his girlfriends girlfriend. He must of really not expected Ivy to mess with him back.
"HARLEY!" mista J screamed from the other room. It startled her so much that she dropped the ketchup bottle she was holding.
"HARLEY! HARLEY QUINN!" he called her name a second and third time. Marching into the cramped kitchen with a fury that was about as righteous as a crook could get.
"WHAT!?" she snapped back, annoyed with her ketchup bottle fumble more then anything else.
Joker skidded to a stop in front of her. Then blinked with fake innocents and confusion.
"Geez I was just getting your attention, no need to snap."
She rolled her eyes. "Whatcha hollering at me for anyhow?"
"Ivy." He said simply.
Harley sighed. "Mista J I can't deal with this right now, I'm eating!" She showed him the hotdog in her hand for emphasis.
"Who cares about your stupid hotdog?!!"
Joker grabbed one of her pigtails and started to pull her to the living room.
"I DO!" she replied. But despite that she went along with no struggle.
Once she got there she was met with the sight of Ivy handcuffed to the coffee tables leg. That mista J probably did to keep her still while he got her. Sitting on the couch where five or so doped up looking henchmen.
The whole scene almost looked kinky, (and she knew kinky.) If it wasn't for the pissed off and embarrassed expression on reds face.
Joker released her pigtail. "Ivy has been using her magic roffie powers to make my henchmen work for her!" He pouted like a child who's telling mom there sibling stole there toy.
"Well I wouldn't have to do that if you said yes the first time I asked you if I could borrow them. Also my powers are not 'magic' my skin releases a cupid roots pheromones that alters the brains chemic-"
"Shut it valedictoria-Not!" Joker interrupts. "Those are my henchmen! You had no right to take them!"
"I needed them! Governor terasicmen was about to make budget cuts off the Morrison wetlands national park, I couldn't just let that slide!"
"Then why don't you get your own hired help!? Oh. That's right. YOUR BROKE!"
"That's not true. I can get money anytime I want, and I can get goons whenever I want, it just happened yours where conveniently close by, so I decided to spare my self the trouble."
"Just admit it, you can't do anything without your stupid powers!"
Ivy gasped in offense. "Your just Jealous! You always have been!"
Joker screeched in anger and launched his body twords ivy.
"I'm gonna kill you! You broccoli bimbo!"
Ivy kicked him in the belly pushing him away.
"I'd like to see your Batman infested ass try! I can beat you even with these handcuffs on!"
It seemed her lovers have completely forgotten she was there. Harley took a few slow bites of her hotdog, which was beginning to turn cold. Watching the carnage unfold before her. Then once she was satisfied, she went to the supply closet and got her spare hammer.
"QUITE!" Harley screamed before smashing the weapon on the coffee table, effectively splitting it in two. Oh well, when your a villain you get use to property damage being destroyed through careless brute force. Besides, she achieved the attended effect. Ivy and Joker had stopped fighting, instead they glared slacked-jawed at her.
"Like kids on Christmas! Ivy, it's not nice to take things that don't belong to you, but mista J it wouldn't kill you to share." She nagged.
They looked about ready to interject. But Harley brushed it off.
"Listen, it seems that you two are not gonna let this go, so let's put that spirit into something else." It was an idea she got while chomping down on her hotdog, something that would harness all that hatred, and turn it to something productive. "... A competition." Her partners light up in curiosity.
The idea itself wasn't very good. But hardly any of hers are. It was more for her sake then there's. They will probably never get along, but there way to equally matched to kill each other, at least not without killing themselves in the process.
So with a good distraction, she and the rest of Gotham won't get caught in the middle (As much.)
"The bet is simple: whoever can seduce the most henchmen -or wench- with no POWERS or BLACKMAIL in the span of a year wins!"
Ivy and Joker turned to each other, and smiled.
. . .
"Kyle Henson: 20 year old highschool drop out-"
"Aren't these people pretty much all highschool drop outs?" Joker interrupts her.
Ivy's left eye twitched. "Yes. yes they are. Will you please let me finish?"
Joker shrugged in response.
Ivy held up a her phone to show him a picture of a zit faced man with ginger hair. "- Kyle is a sex addict and sells drugs to feed his growing urges, and in a couple weeks, I shall have him."
"HAHAH! Ain't you confident? Well he is a manwhore, they tend to be easy picking... Never saw you as one to go for low hanging fruit, plant woman."
Ivy punched him in the arm, it almost seemed playful. Harley grinned happily.
It had been about five months since she suggested this game. And since then, one day every week they would all get together to talk about there progress and findings. It was the closes thing to family fun time they ever have.
Her mild jealousy aside, it made Harleen optimistic, maybe one day the two most important people in her life could get along. Like this was the push they needed to realize they are not so different after all...
"So remember that Julian guy I told you about? I think he's about ready to quite his failing alternative country band, and start a life of crime with me. Sigh...It's all been giving me such nostalgia for those older days of are relationship..." Joker placed his hand on Harleys leg oozing something close to affection. At the memory of how he lied and manipulated her constantly, while she abused her position of professional authority over him when there relationship first began. She fondly patted his hand at the memory.
"I don't know how to feel about being compared to a basses in a alternative country band..."
At that, Joker gave a hearty laugh that sounded like wind chimes made of bones. He was ahead of Ivy in the competition. At first it would seem strange. Red was so beautiful, and Joker wasn't exactly easy on the eyes. But he had a larger then life charisma, a dangerous charm that wasn't hard to see. While Ivy -who she loved dearly,- had no social skills at all. Things like that where rarely needed to her.
This game has been good for her, getting her out of her comfort zone, let her practice manipulation, that doesn't involve her powers.
"So I found this other guy..." Ivy started to say. "He's not like the other ones, he seems almost... desperate to come with me. I would say he's power hungry but that's not it. It's not lust either... It's curious. "
"What's he like?" Harley asked.
"Nice. But in a stern way. Smarter then I expected. He'd make a powerful ally. If only he wasn't so soft."
"Ooooh is the lil flower catching feeling!?" Joker squealed. At his words, pink dusted ivy's cheeks.
"Awww that's so cute! Well theres nothin' in the rules that says you can't fall in love back with your henchperson." Harley explained.
"Y-you make the rules!" Ivy Stuttered in embarrassment. "and I don't like the guy! he's just... Interesting. "
"Yeah 'interesting' is that what the kids are calling it now?" Joker said in finger quotes.
"So what's this mystery man's name?" Harley asked.
"Malone." Ivy replied noncommittal. "He goes by matches malone."
Little tacky Harls thought, but figured she didn't have much room to judge.
"Matches... Ivy you idiot." Joker Voice was flat like slate. He got up suddenly. "We have to go."
"What why?!"
But the answer crashed in from the window. (He was always doing that. Wouldn't kill him to use the front door every now and then.)
"Hello darling. I've got to hand it to you, you really caught us all off guard." Joker pulled out a switch blade.
Ivy head was swiveling left to right with her mouth agape trying to figure out what was going on.
The Batman was a blur of ebony cap as he launched himself records Harley. She grabbed her hammer and swung at him. How embarrassing, he always went after the weakest ones first. She would have to kill him for the insult.