There's a strange, familiar itch between your legs when you help Dina climb on the horse's back and when her hands circle your middle and when she rocks rhythmically behind you.
You want to fuck and fuck and fuck her till the itch is gone and there is no more fight left in you, but you find yourself having trouble facing Dina, and you cannot muster the courage to step closer.
The surroundings are landscapes of winter grass and leafless trees and even though the last snow has vanished, the world is cold and dark and somewhat scary. Dina's presence at your back is reassuring but distracting and your head is filled with images of dark blue eyes and a wrinkled tanned face and stupid smiles in a wild unshaven jaw.
The sky is impossibly blue and the trees are impossibly green and Dina is impossibly hot, pressed tight against you. Her body moves in time with yours, rocking rocking rocking, and it takes everything you have not to push her to the grass and stop this torture.
You eat lunch on Shimmer's back (sandwiches and cold meat. Dina licks her fingers and your throat is clogged so you pass her your half-eaten meal and watch as she chews carefully and swallows and licks her lips).
"You have to eat." She tells you, stern and concerned, with sad eyes and furrowed eyebrows and a scared tired expression.
"I'm not that hungry." You answer and try not to think about Joel.
Lately, you feel like whenever Dina is not occupying your thoughts, it's Joel that lives in your mind, booming voice and tight smiles and plaid shirts and confused looks.
Dina is looking at you but saying nothing. (You wonder briefly if she's tired of you but her eyes are kind and you make yourself abandon that thought).
//
You travel through thick woods and you find yourself clutching Shimmer's reigns with both hands, holding it tight, like a weapon of some sort. Like in the unlikely hour of trouble, it will save you.
You find yourself scared of every shadow and every bird and every sound around you. You are scared of being attacked by infected, you are scared to run into rogue groups of soldiers. You are scared of wild animals and the cold weather and the sheer quantity of the trees around you and the dark dark secrets they hold.
You are scared of their size and their shape and the high high filthy buildings that spring around you from time to time, abandoned and forgotten, and seemingly angry at their faith.
(You are scared not to reach Tommy and you are scared of disappointing Maria and you are scared of losing Dina).
(You are even scared of the air, which smells both dirty and sweet, both fresh and rotten, and nothing nothing nothing like the air of Jackson).
"What's up with you?" Dina whispers into your ear and you give an involuntary shiver that doesn't go unnoticed by her.
"Nothing." You say way too quickly and way too unconvincing and (you are such a lier).
"Are you sure? You seem pretty tense to me".
"Seriously," You answer, voice too high and too panicked even to your own ears. "All's good".
//
When you set camp, just outside a small ruined village, Dina snaps at you.
"You cannot keep going like this! Look at you! You barely eat, you never sleep, you are exhausted!"
You try your best to protest, though your voice is small and tired and you don't want to argue with her. Dina doesn't even pretend like she's listening to you. Instead, she voices all her concerns, now low and whispered and small.
You hug her and she pushes you gently, irresistibly, down to the ground. It takes a couple of thrusts to make you come and when she kisses you she tastes different, a little strange but not unpleasant, firey and salty and her lips burn your mouth.
You feel guilty somehow, and empty and alone so you reach to Dina and hug her, comforted. Dina is kissing you again and you realize you're crying (she's licking at your cheeks with burning tongue).
(Sex with Dina is hard and fast and good and you find that you like it better then the dragged out, hours long, staring contests you had with Kat).
//
The following morning you walk in the general direction of Seattel, for several hours. You guide Shimmer on a narrow unmarked road through the woods. Birds come your way and you duck your head and Dina laughs and laughs and laughs and you think her laugh is the most beautiful sound in the world.
The early morning mist hangs at waist level, sticky and blinding. In the distance, the forest makes sounds you don't really like and you make some excuse and guide Shimmer from the trail into the trees.
The rain is a steady drizzle and the sky turn from bright blue to winter gray. Under the trees the frost is a little more than a dusting and the rain is blocked. Branches and leafs crunch underfoot and Dina rearranges herself behind you and the hot desire rises in you once more.
Your legs are numb and your fingers are cold and you deeply grateful for Dina's hot presence at your back. The weather isn't freezing but it's cold enough to leave you uncomfortable and somewhat grumpy.
You reach a small stram (a creek?) and you decide to stop and rest.
There are no more weird sounds and no more fear and you let (reluctantly) Dina slide to the ground. Your back is cold when she is gone and you miss her warmth immediately.
The wind is ruffling the surface of the water, making small waves and all you can see is Dina. She's standing there; dark figure against green and gray surroundings and you think that if you don't touch her you are going to die.
So you walk to her, all long strides and set determination. She just stands and watches you, eyes burning and mouth smiling and hands shaking.
(You think she must know what you have in mind but she doesn't say a word and you don't have it in you to speak).
Her hair flapping and tossing, wild around her head, and you sink to your knees (she squeals) and before her God and the forest, you bury your head in her crotch and you drink her intoxicating scent.
"Ellie…"
You pull away and look at her. she bends, her mouth is seeking yours and her lips are soft and cold against your mouth, her hands cupping your cheeks, the back of your head, you back. Your breasts.
Your hands open her coat and you run your palms against the smoothness of her hot skin. She pushes you (strong and hungry and everything that you are) and rolls on top of you.
You part her legs and push your hand inside her pants and she wraps her arms around you tightly and you fuck her with thrusting motions and in complete silence.
Dina holds onto you tight and she comes and then she comes again and after the third time, she still doesn't let you pull away.
You kiss her soft soft lips and she smiles into the kiss, tired and spent and sweaty.
//
Seattle is everything you wanted and everything you feared and everything you wished for and prayed to never ever ever see.
The city is old and broken and a skeleton of abandoned buildings and a life well spent and it makes you uncomfortable (even Dina, pressed at your back, can't help you relax). You watch with careful eyes and you make sure to keep yourself alert when you are searching inside stinky rooms and dirty apartments than smell like old piss and dump trash.
It's dark outside, even though the time must be somewhere around midday. The world is filled with a pale purple dimness and you stretch your arm and wriggle your fingers at Dina.
Seattle makes your skin crawl even though it's an easy enough place. Avenues and streets run from north to south and from east to west and there is nothing sophisticated about it.
You can't fool Dina so she tightens her hold on your body and presses hard into you.
"I don't like this place." You tell her and she nods.
"I know".
//
The storms that follow make you find shelter in some old theater building that you absolutely hate. It's too big and too dark and too empty to make you feel safe and it takes you about three tours around the place to be satisfied.
(You check every door and every window and spend too much time making sure nobody can enter any of them without alerting you to their presence).
The place is dirty and rundown and you are having trouble imagining it in its glory. You've seen pictures of theaters and you just can't see this place transformed into something clean and different.
This building is as abandoned and forgotten as this whole damned city and you hate it you hate it you hate it.
//
It has nothing on the news Dina drops on you and you're dirty and wet and hungry and you miss Joel so much because he had all the answers and he knew what he was doing and he was solid and real and now he is fucking dead and
(You are so alone).
//
You get angry at her for no visible reason (you're scared so you yell and your own voice makes you angry so you yell some more and Dina is looking at you wide and open and scared and wounded and you think – Ellie, shut the fuck up only you can't you can't you can't).
You tower over her, waving your hands and trying not to think about all the implications of her word (your mind is a scary jumble of Jesse and how the fuck do you deliver a baby and she isn't yours and Jesse and Jesse and Jesse).
Dina is sitting on the couch and you might be an angry person but she isn't. She looks so small and vulnerable and young that anger cannot have the upper hand.
Dina lifts her chin and she springs from the couch and she doesn't yell back but she sizes you up and (maybe you never understood what it means being scared before and maybe Dina didn't understand it either) her palms sting your skin when she touches you and like a ton of bricks it hits you just how beautiful she is, here in front of you, and you start to cry.
Your tears are hot and furious and you still are yelling, screaming, shouting about love, and about her and about Jesse (though you're not sure what). You scream something big, something grand, something painful and she steps away from you.
(Loving her feals like religion, feels like holding your breath underwater and your lungs hurt, and you can't lose her and you don't know how to tell her any of it).
You both heaving breaths and it's quiet for a moment before she leans in and kisses you. Her kiss is hard – all jaw and teeth and maybe this is what you deserve (maybe this is exactly what you want).
Dina shoves you against a wall and you kiss her back. She takes your shirt off and bites your collarbone and you sure it will leave a mark but you don't care. You'd rather have another bite mark than have her leave you.
Even in this state, she backs up and checks your eyes, pauses to make sure this is something you both want and it's gentle and thoughtful and in the middle of all this, it breaks your heart.
"You don't get to leave me just because you're scared." She tells you between clenched teeth and (where did that come from?)
You say "yes" because it's the only word you have left and she sucks hard on your throat and unbuttons your pants.
You had sex before and you've been fucking her for a couple of nights in a row now, but you realize now that her rough hands hadn't really touched you ever quite like that and suddenly you are concerned and scared and turned on beyond belive.
Dina is rough and it hurts a little when she slips two fingers inside you without any foreplay and you groan. She doesn't pause. Her hand rubs against you and her fingers curl inside you and you want her closer closer closer (even though it cannot get closer than this).
It doesn't take long to make you feel like your world is ending all around you and you have always been brave, but here, now, under Dina's fingers and mouth, you come with a muffled cry while tears run down your cheeks.
You come hard and messy and wet all over her hand. She backs off. She doesn't kiss you, just looks at you and you see that she's been crying too.
You are still throbbing. She yanks her hand immediately after you come and you swallow hard because you can still feel her inside you and you still want to come and you still want her to touch you again.
Entire cities have fallen because of girls and you stand there, your back against the wall, shirt off and pants unbuttoned, pooling at your ankles. You feel dirty. You feel lonely. You feel hurt.
You want to say you're sorry but instead, you pull your pants up, turn around, and walk away.
You can't bring yourself to think about anything when you flop into a once-red-chair in front of a somewhat ruined stage and fall asleep, tears still fresh on your cheeks.