Only Way Out Is Through

Frank parked his car meticulously, his gaze set on the car before him. Well. On anywhere but the building to his right, if we're being precise.

Turning off the engine took him twice as long as it usually did. Looking up from the wheel took him even longer than that.

He had actually started that day hopeful. Or at least, not filled with the dread he'd been constantly feeling for the last four months. 

Talking with Robby at the end of that fucking horrible shift, agreeing on getting help, that had been tough enough. 

Facing Abby had been excruciating. 

Facing his kids, explaining as well as he could - because how do you tell your kids you have an addiction and you're leaving for a rehab center in a way they'll understand? -, that had been fucking torture.

And yet, that had only been the beginning. 

But that morning, that sunny morning four months into the aftermath, it felt like the first day post mayhem or - to be more precise -, the first day in which things felt slightly less hard.

With a deep sigh, Frank unlocked his phone, his gaze fixed on the picture of his kids he kept as his wallpaper. 

Abby and him had made a deal once he reached three months sober. Keep it up, and he would get to start to keep their kids some weekends.

With that thought in mind, Frank rolled his neck slowly, feeling a satisfying crack. And then, he finally looked towards his right, towards the large, slightly run down building in which the best and worst moments of his career had been held. 

Frank took a deep breath in an attempt to keep his nerves from flaring up. When that didn't work as well as he wanted to, he made a mental list of what he’d accomplished so far, of what he was proud of. Of what he had to look forward to, precisely because of how hard he'd been working.

After two disappointing tries at different centers, he had managed to find a meeting group he actually liked. 

His kids and the polemic dog were going to stay with him that weekend. They were going to eat burgers, watch Paw Patrol and go to the park he had discovered near his new flat. 

He was a damn good doctor and he deserved the opportunity to redeem himself to his boss, his colleagues and himself. He had done every step demanded of him so far. And that morning, he was officially back to work. 

“Only way out is through,” Frank muttered before locking his phone again. He grabbed his car keys from the ignition and opened the door as he palmed the front pocket of his jeans, making sure he had his wallet on him. He climbed down the car as he hoisted his backpack over his shoulder, and grabbed his travel mug from the cup holder before closing the door and locking his car. 

And after taking off his sunglasses, Frank marched off into the building, his shoulders tense, his chin up, his gaze sharp.

One day at a time, he was getting his fucking life back.

oOo

One of the first things anyone who worked in their ER learned was that Dana knew everything about everything and everyone. 

Which meant that, of course, she was the first person to greet him once he made his way into the place that had seen the best and worst of him.

“You know, for being like the son I never wanted, you sure are a sight for sore eyes.” Dana began as she walked around the central desk, reaching up to hug him as soon as she got close enough. “It's good to see you, kid” 

“It's good to be back,” Frank replied as he wrapped his arms around Dana. For the moment, as hard as it was, he tried not to think of their last shift together. “And it's even better to see you without that awful bruise. Tell me, how does it feel to never age while the rest of us suckers get older and older?” 

“You still can't go an hour without saying stupid, huh?” 

Frank leaned back from the hug to smirk down at Dana. “Isn't it good that some things don't change?” 

“You're here!” 

Frank looked away from Dana, his smile growing softer when his gaze fell on his favourite resident and friend. “And so are you. I thought you were on night shifts this week?” 

“Managed to change shifts, Becca needed me.” Mel replied in a rush, her feet light as they carried her towards Frank. She buried her face in his collarbone, her voice muffled as she spoke again. “Missed you.” 

“I know, the shifts must have been a complete bore without me,” Frank replied before he wrapped his arms around her shoulders, his smile small, yet absolutely genuine. “Missed you too, Mel.” 

“We thought you didn't care for all of us to drop on you for a visit, so this young lady kept us up to date on how you're doing.” Dana interjected, resting a hand on his shoulder before a call from Central making her retreat back behind the desk. “Hope you don't mind.” 

“Oh, she made sure I was okay with it.” Frank threw Dana a playful glare. “You just needed the gossip, huh?” 

“Don't be mean to Dana,” Mel stepped back from their embrace. “She actually likes you for some reason.” 

“You should know, you like me as well.”

“Debatable. At best.” 

Frank laughed as he felt the residual tension drop from his shoulders. He opened his mouth to retort but then Dana approached them from the other side of the desk. 

“That was HR. They're ready for you,” Dana hesitated, her gaze growing concerned. “Robby and Kiara are waiting for you as well.” 

Frank straightened at that. So much for being able to relax on his first shift back. 

“I can go with you,” Mel immediately offered, her eyes wide and earnest.

“No,” Frank replied, chuckling softly as he clasped a hand on her shoulder. “I got it. It's okay.” 

“I want to. If you need or want company, that is. I want to be there.” 

“I know…and thank you, Mel. You've been the best friend in the world.” Frank smiled as reassuringly as he could at the two women looking at him with barely concealed concern before taking a deep breath, his gaze flickering towards the elevators. “But I need to do this alone.” 

Mel nodded slowly, not liking it one bit but knowing better than to argue. “I'll be down here. And you can text if you need anything.”

“And for what's worth,” Dana added with a gentle smile, all traces of the familiar banter gone for the moment. “You don't need to do anything else alone. Not if you don't want to.”

Frank nodded slowly, his blue eyes recovering a little of the playfulness he had lost in the previous minutes.

“You couldn't have said that when I moved into my new apartment?” 

“Oh, just go already.” 

oOo

The meeting with HR had been easier than what he had expected. 

Most of what he was told, he already knew. He would be subjected to random drug and urine tests for a year. He wouldn't be allowed to prescribe meds without authorization from the attending in charge. HR would be free to call any of his colleagues for an interview on his behavior if any of his attendings raised a concern.

He knew all of that already. He wasn't the first physician who presented an addiction in their hospital and, unfortunately, statistics said he wouldn't be the last.

And yet, that didn't mean listening to the terms of his probation was any easy.

Four months ago, he had been the star resident. He was trusted, respected and his career was an all-time high.

Now…

Now. 

Frank ran a hand over his face as the bored, unfazed HR employee stood up and walked out of the conference room. 

Now he was building it all back. He was getting it all back, only better.

One day at a time, he was fucking getting his fucking life back.

“You okay?” Kiara asked softly from his left after a moment. 

Frank almost snorted at that. What a question.

“Yeah.” Frank nodded at Kiara, his lips tilting slightly upwards. “Thank you for being here.” 

“Of course, Frank. Anything you need.” Kiara replied kindly. After a moment, her gaze drifted behind Frank, to the person Frank was trying his hardest not to look at. Kiara nodded, and stood up as calmly as she could. “We have a new social worker joining us this morning, I'll see if she's arrived. Good to have you back, Frank.” 

“Good to be here,” Frank replied automatically, his gaze following her as she walked out of the room. 

He debated with himself whether he could actually follow her, delay the inevitable until he was ready, and go back to Mel and Dana and everyone who was happy to see him.

And then, the man to his right cleared his throat, and Frank sank into his seat with defeat.

“Mind if we talk before we go back to the pitt?” 

Frank sighed, his gaze on the table before him. He'd never seen mahogany so immaculate. “Sure thing, boss.” 

He sighed. “Frank.” 

Frank looked up sharply at that. “Don't.” 

Robby raised an eyebrow. “Don't?” 

“Yes, don't.” Frank replied hotly, crossing his arms tightly before his chest. “In fact, since we're talking, can I say something?” 

Robby hesitated, his gaze sad and exhausted. After a moment, he nodded. “Go ahead.” 

“I've been talking a lot with my therapist about my work. My relationship with everyone here. We discussed that last day several times.” Frank began, his voice tight. Fuck, he should have said yes when Mel offered to accompany him. “That day was a shithole and none of us were doing alright. It took a long time, but I can now sit here and tell you that Santos did the right thing. She should have told you about her suspicions and I'm fucking glad she did. And at the end of the day, you talked to me and we agreed I needed help. It was the right thing to do, and I'll never be able to thank you enough.” 

Robby shook his head slowly. “Langdon-.” 

“But before that,” Frank continued with a warning tone, his voice still tight and almost robotically even. “You confronted me in a public setting, in front of other people, and you threw me out like a fucking rat. It was hostile, violent and downright humiliating. As an attending, as my boss, as someone who has worked with me for years, you had a responsibility to do better.” 

Robby nodded slowly, his gaze fixed on Langdon's. Frank felt himself straighten under the attention.

“I agree.” 

“You told me yourself that day, we're not friends. Well, I agree.” Frank continued, his hands tightening into fists under the desk. “I've been talking a lot with my therapist and I would like to set that boundary before we go down and get to work. Our only relationship is that of attending and senior resident, and I would like for you to remember that.” 

For a long moment, attending and resident, mentor and mentee, past friends looked at each other, a silent conversation developing without their authorization.

Then, Robby nodded slowly. Painfully.

Frank nodded in return. “Thank you.” 

With that, he stood up and walked out of the room without looking back. 

He had a shift to start.