One Of Those Days
It was one of those days.
The days where nothing seemed to go right no matter how hard she tried. Her mind couldn't focus, and her breathing was never fully under control. It was one of those days where she felt on edge from the moment she woke up in the morning until she went to bed that night. And even then, laying in bed listening to the soft breathing of her girlfriend beside her, her chest felt tight, her skin prickly and her body and muscles buzzing with an anxious energy that she would give anything to get rid of.
They didn't happen as often anymore, which was something Blake was extremely happy about. But whenever they did happen the aftermath could last days, and they always made her feel like she had failed, or that she had somehow let Yang down, let alone herself. Even though she knew Yang didn't actually feel that way whenever it happened, it never stopped her brain from going there. From those feelings of failure, insecurity and guilt from taking root in the deepest corners of her brain. Thoughts and feelings that could take days or weeks for her to fully weed out. Sometimes just in time for the entire process to start over again.
Blake sighed quietly as she rolled over onto her side to face Yang, the smallest smile forming at the corners of her mouth. Her girlfriend always looked so peaceful when she slept. The skin of her forehead and around her eyes that was sometimes wrinkled with worry and concern during the day was smooth. There was no worry, no concern, no stress when she slept...so it always made Blake feel extra guilty on nights like this one. It was also the reason why she always hesitated before gently nudging her awake. Well, that and the never ending swirling thoughts of 'if you keep waking her up in the middle of the night she'll leave you', 'she deserves so much better than you, someone who isn't needy and broken.' And then of course the dread and cripplingly fear of that coming true, of actually having Yang leave her, of ending up alone in the world. It made Blake's heart beat painfully in her chest and her leg start bouncing as tears started to form in her eyes.
With a trembling hand she reached out and gently poked Yang's shoulder, smiling warmly as her girlfriend grumbled in her sleep. But the smile quickly turned into a frown, the tight feeling in her chest increasing as she drew back her hand 'maybe this is a sign...just let her sleep.' Blake chewed on her bottom lip, the shaking and bouncing of her leg getting worse by the second as her body desperately tried to get rid of all the anxious energy.
She moved her hand back out but froze, her hand suspended in the air as Yang rolled onto her side to face Blake. Yang's eyes stayed closed as she spoke, her voice low and raspy, thick with sleep, "what's wrong baby?". Blake swallowed thickly, guilt starting to swirl around in her gut at having clearly woken Yang up somehow. She carefully pulled her arm back, not wanting Yang to open her eyes and see that she had been about to try and wake her up. 'No...just...tell her to go back to sleep, y-you're fine. Blake's voice cracked, her heart pounding painfully in her chest at a speed that would rival that of someone just finishing a high intensity workout, "N-Nothi-".
Yang cracked open her eyes, blinking rapidly trying to get them to focus, the way she was alternating between pinching them shut and opening them as wide as she could was bordering on comical, and most liking would have pulled a small giggle from Blake on any other night. Yang cut Blake off, her eyes fluttering shut once more, her voice still dripping with sleep, groggy and slurred, "Don't say nothing babe...I can feel your leg bouncing from here."
A distressed whine sounded from the back of Blake's throat as her cat ears drooped to the sides before pinning backwards against her scalp. She watched through bleary, tear filled eyes as Yang's eyes snapped open, pools of lilac swirling with concern and worry. Yang quickly scooted closer to her, reaching her hand out to tuck some of Blake's hair behind her ear only to jerk it back, a flicker of pain in her eyes when Blake flinched at the gesture.
The guilt and self-loathing was becoming unbearable as a wave of nausea washed through her body. Blake instinctively curled in on herself, she knew Yang would never hit her, but sometimes her body reacted before her mind had a chance to think and process. Blake opened her mouth, the back of her throat sore from struggling to keep her tears at bay, her voice cracked and chopped by wavering gasps of air, "I-I'm s s-sorry." She tilted her head down the same time she tucked her knees up towards her chest, curling in on herself even more, as the first tears slowly slid down her cheek.
She slowly, tentatively brought her head back up when she felt a warm, comforting pressure on her hip. Her breath caught in the back of her throat at the look of pure love in Yang's eyes as she spoke, "what do you need baby? How can I help?"
Blake licked her lips and worked her jaw as she contemplated asking for the one thing she wanted. She was thankful that her girlfriend was as patient as she is because she wasn't sure how long they laid there, Yang tracing small shapes against the fabric of her sleep shirt. A constant comforting presence. Blake swallowed, her throat bobbing painfully, "C-can...ww-would you...can you h-hold me? P-please?"
She watched as Yang's brow pinched together in worry and a sad smile formed on her face...but in a flash it was gone, replaced with warm loving eyes and a soft, sleepy half-smile. "Of course baby. You don't even have to ask."
Yang quickly, yet carefully, rolled onto her back, guiding Blake to rest against her chest. The second that she was wrapped up in Yang's arms, the floodgates opened, she snuggled against Yang's body, tucking her head under her chin as she gripped onto the fabric of her shirt with her hand. Yang tightened her hold around her body, tenderly rubbing soft circles between her shoulder blades as she alternated from pressing soft kisses between Blake's ears and whispering reassurances. "You're okay", "I've got you." The words made Blake feel better but also made her cry harder, press more firmly against Yang and tighten her grip on her shirt. She didn't know why, but the soft words spoken out of nothing more or less than love, made her cry harder, struggling to gasp in air.
Okay, that's a lie.
She knew why.
It was because the idea of having all this, someone who loved her so much, was so patient with her, was so careful and in tune with her needs, the idea of losing that. Losing Yang. Losing her because she was broken and "difficult" and sometimes hard to be with. It broke her. The idea of losing that, and Yang made Blake's heart hurt, made her sobs louder and her body shake harder.
She felt Yang's hand move up her back to cup the back of her head before pressing a lingering kiss to her forehead, "you're okay. And I promise you, I'm not going anywhere."