The green hue of the alarm clock lit up the dark room.
3:19 AM.
Katya had to be up in a few hours to begin getting ready for the wedding. Yet, here she was, wide awake with what felt like a 10 pound rock sitting in her stomach. She couldn’t believe that she had let this get this far. Katya’s fiance had been with her through thick and thin, and had seen her through one of the roughest moments of her life. But she couldn’t shake the feeling that marrying the person sleeping beside her was a mistake.
--
Katya had a rough time in college. All of the freedom that her secluded Catholic upbringing couldn’t provide her was now for her taking. Katya tried everything that had been forbidden to her growing up: makeup, dying her hair, kissing girls and some boys too. It wasn’t until it was too late that she realized she was taking her freedom to an extreme. It started with a drink at a party, to then a glass of wine whenever she was stressed (and she was very stressed), to not being able to get through the day without being drunk. When her roommate Tatianna found her passed out and unresponsive in the dorm they shared, Katya knew that she had taken it too far. Katya had always taken things too far. It was her specialty.
After some rehab and lots of therapy, Katya found solace in exercise. Running at the gym and joining yoga classes helped her manage the things that made her want to drink. The constant buzzing in her mind would ease when she was crushing her previous mile time or would see definition in her already slender body. Katya loved it so much, she got certified to teach yoga classes on campus to make some extra money to put her through her senior year. Teaching her classes was the best part of her week.
Katya was rolling up her mat at the end of a class when she felt a small tap on her shoulder. Katya whipped around to see the most beautiful stranger standing in front of her. Tall and smiling from ear to ear, her honey-blonde bangs were stuck to her forehead from the sweat. Her cheeks were bright red from the workout and Katya fought the urge to kiss them raw.
“Hi, I’m sorry to bother you, but I just wanted to say that the class was great today,” said the blonde nervously. Katya must’ve looked like an idiot just staring at her trying to suppress a smile. She was so busy getting lost in the girl’s hazel eyes she almost forgot to answer.
“Thank you so much, I really enjoy teaching it,” answered Katya. She bent down to finish rolling her mat, in part because she knew she would just continue staring at the beauty in front of her, but also because she couldn’t look her in the eyes and say what she was about to say next. “I was watching you out there, you did great.”
“Really?” squeaked the blonde. Katya wondered if she was being this cute on purpose or if that was just a byproduct of her sweet personality. “It was my first time in a class like this. You explained everything really well..you’re a great teacher.” Katya could see out of the corner of her eye that she was red in the face and looking down in hopes her hair would cover her face.
Katya stood up to face the girl, and in her head she hoped that she was into women like Katya was. “That’s very kind of you. I’m Katya.” Katya stuck her hand out in hopes that a handshake wasn’t awkward. As corny as it sounds, Katya felt a spark when the blonde reached out and touched her hand.
“I’m Trixie, it’s nice to meet you.”
And with that, Katya knew that she would do with Trixie what she did with everything she loved. She was going to take this way too far.
--
4:30 AM
Katya had gotten up from bed. The anguish building in her body had forced her to get up and pace. She didn’t want to wake the sleeping body next to her, so Katya somehow made it to the kitchen with a warm mug of coffee in her hands. The warm liquid hit Katya’s stomach and brought her a bit of relief, but not enough to shake the feeling of doubt in her mind. She continued pacing through the kitchen and managed to catch her glimpse in the mirror in the hall. Her platinum blonde hair was a bird's nest of a mess. She had recently re-dyed it for the wedding after her hair was gray from stress. Even in the dark hallway, she could see her even darker undereye bags. She looked exhausted, but more than just a physical exhaustion. She looked emotionally drained, and had wondered how others hadn’t noticed. She looked down at the coffee cup and noticed she was shaking. Katya had always been an anxious person. She would always get worked up before making any kind of decision, especially really big ones. While she was used to it by now, she had never felt it like this.
Looking down at the ring on her finger surrounding her coffee cup and couldn’t help but wonder how it got this far. She was usually very decisive and vocal about the things she didn’t like. But the last few years have been the hardest she’s ever lived through, and decisions were being made for her without her even knowing. Katya can close her eyes and see things happening to her and not with her. It seems like one day she woke up and she was getting married and the past two years had been a footnote in her existence.
As the wedding ring on her finger glimmered in the small ray of moonlight, she knew one thing for certain: she did not want to get married.
--
Katya sat nervously at the cafe waiting for her date to arrive. She had been there 20 minutes before they were supposed to meet, but Katya wanted to make sure she got her favorite outdoor seat. Trixie became regular at Katya’s yoga classes, always looking for an excuse to talk to her after class. After a few weeks, Katya mustered up the courage to ask her out for coffee and was surprised when Trixie said yes. She was always so feminine and soft, that she didn’t strike Katya as potentially being into women. Even though Katya still isn’t sure if she is. God I hope she doesn’t think this is a friend date, Katya thought.
Her thoughts were disrupted as the blonde beauty waved at Katya. She was a dream in pink, which should be her signature color because she looked amazing in it. As she sat down, she smiled and apologized for making Katya wait, not knowing that Katya would've waited all day for her.
They chatted like old friends, with passerbys staring at them for their equally obnoxious laughs and loud conversations about random topics. The two women felt like they could be there all day, and before they knew it, the sun had set and the cafe was closing. A tap on the glass from the inside snapped them back to the present and reminded them both “Oh, there are other people here besides us.” They looked at eachother sheepishly, not wanting to be the one that ended the night.
Finally, Trixie timidly broke the silence. “You wouldn’t want to walk me to my dorm, right?”
Oh silly Trixie, Katya thought. I’d walk anywhere for you.
“Of course,” Katya said. “My apartment is that way anyway.”
The women walked and talked, and Katya swore that Trixie was walking slowly to make this last longer. Eventually they reached the entrance of Trixie’s residence hall, and Katya was sad this had to end.
“Thanks for walking me back,” Trixie muttered sadly. “We should do this again sometime.”
Katya felt a swell in her chest, but knew she had to be clear about her intentions. She couldn’t bear to be let down again by falling for another straight girl. “I would really love that..but I have to be honest about what I feel,” she stated. “Trixie, I hope this doesn’t come off weird, but I really like you. I’ve liked you since the day I met you. And not in a best friend kind of way, but in like a-”
Katya was cut off by Trixie’s lips pressing up against hers. Katya was stunned and relieved at the same time. Trixie kissed her with a sense of excitement and desperation, as if she had been waiting as long as Katya had to finally kiss her. Trixie pulled away and looked at Katya, her cheeks flush and a goofy smile on her face. “I really like you too.”
--
Since then, the two were inseparable. Even Katya graduating and Trixie entering her sophomore year couldn’t separate them. Katya got an apartment close to her new job at a yoga studio where she was an instructor, but close enough to school where Trixie can live with her. Their apartment was close to the beach, where Katya and Trixie ended up spending a lot of their time. Whether it was studying, relaxing, swimming or just needing a break from each other, the beach became their special place. It was on the beach they loved so much Katya asked Trixie to be her girlfriend, where they talked about their future and eventually leaving and moving to some farm to be “Real Lesbians,” as Trixie so kindly put it.
The years together felt like mere hours to them both. As a child, Trixie never imagined that she would come out of the closet, much less meet her soulmate so quickly. She assumed that lesbians would never be attracted to her because she was too femme, but she couldn’t help who she was. She loved all things pink and girly, and felt even more empowered through her femininity. When she saw Katya leading her class that day, she knew that she had to speak to her. Katya was like a magnet that drew Trixie in, with her steely demeanor and calming voice, the young blonde knew that coming to the yoga class would be her new favorite hobby. Her intensity was equal to Trixie’s but in the opposite direction. We were made for eachother, Trixie thought. Now, with Trixie about to graduate from college, her and Katya could finally start their real lives together. And there was no one she would rather do that with.
When Trixie finally graduated from college, it was on that beach they loved that Katya would ask Trixie to marry her.
It was that on that beach, while Katya was setting up a romantic picnic with a ring heavy in her pocket, where she received that call from the police. Trixie had been struck on the street coming out of her last final exam by a driver who was speeding. She didn’t see him coming; she was too busy trying to call Katya.
It was on that beach where Katya learned she lost the love of her life. And, in a way, Katya lost her life that day, too.
The months that followed were a blur. Katya felt like her heart had stopped when Trixie’s did. She couldn’t move out of her bed for weeks, and if it were not for her best friend Tatianna and her strong support system, Katya wouldn’t have made it out of the hell she was in.
Katya moved into Tatianna’s apartment after a month of not leaving the bed she and Trixie shared. While she didn’t want to, it was too painful to know that everyday Trixie’s scent was fading from the place they shared. She wanted to hold on to Trixie as long as she could, however she could.
Tatianna, Katya thought, was God sent. She arranged Trixie’s funeral and called her family to break the news. When Katya couldn’t attend, she was there to make sure everything went smoothly. When she invited Katya into her home, she knew that her best friend needed her more than ever. Every night while Katya cried, Tatianna was there to rub her back and dry her tears. She even would bake treats for her neighbors so they wouldn’t file a noise complaint against Katya’s desperate cries that woke everyone up at night. Tatianna had been there for her through the months of grieving. The weeks of crying turned into numbness. Katya was all out of tears, and Tatianna was there to hold her hand as she came back to the world of the living. So when she told Katya that she had feelings for her, and was willing to wait, Katya let it happen. When Tatianna kissed her, she imagined it was her first kiss with Trixie. Katya knew it was wrong, but she didn’t know how else to repay Tatianna for all of her kindness. When Tatianna told her they would get past this, Katya began to hold her cries in at night. She would never tell her that she wished it was Trixie next to her holding her at night, no matter how much she wanted to.
When Tatianna suggested they get married, Katya didn’t say no. She thought then that she could go on pretending that her life still had Trixie in it. But now, as she sits in the kitchen on the morning of her wedding, she knew she couldn’t do it.
“Honey?” Tatianna groggily asked, snapping Katya from her deep thought. She was so confused when it was still dark and didn’t find Katya in bed next to her. Katya turned her head to face her, still sitting at the coffee table, with tears in her eyes. The months of holding in the pain she felt was unbearable. She knew that the heartbreak she would cause Tatianna would come back to haunt her in all of her lifetimes. Still, she couldn’t hold it in anymore.
“Tati..I..” Katya sobbed. She stared at the ring she had taken off and placed on the table. “I’m so sorry.”
Katya continued to sob as the tension hung heavy in the air. The weight in the pit of her stomach was both heavier and gone at the same time.
“I know.” Tatianna sighed. “I’m sorry too.” At that moment, neither had to explain anything. Tatianna understood everything behind Katya’s sobs. Even though she was in love with her best friend, above all else, she just wanted her to be happy. Tatianna knew that happiness would not lie with her. She walked towards Katya to rub her back as she sobbed, but Katya flinched and asked her to go back to bed. Hurt, Tatianna walked back to their room, already making mental plans to cancel the days’ proceedings. When Katya heard the door close, the pounding in her chest told her to leave. Through sobs and anguish, Katya got in her car and drove to the one place where she could feel closest to the one she loved.
Katya sat on the cool sand and watched the sun rise. She didn’t care if those jogging on the beach looked at her weird for crying in her pajamas so publicly. She just wanted to sit watch the sunrise that so much reminded her of Trixie. The sun had nothing on Trixie when it came to lighting up a room and making the day feel brand new. With Trixie gone, the sun was the closest thing that could replicate that feeling for Katya. She was staring at her sand in her toes when she felt a tap on her shoulder.
“Can I sit here with you?”
Katya looked up and saw Trixie standing there. Her long hair was in two braids, and her makeup was perfect as always. Before Katya could answer, Trixie sat down next to her and put her head on her shoulder. She looped her arms though Katya’s and held her close. Tears continued to stream down Katya’s face.
“Why are you here in your PJ’s?” asked Trixie. Both the women were looking at the sun and not at each other. The sound of her voice made Katya relax in a way she hadn’t in a long time.
“I was running late for a meeting,” answered Katya sarcastically. Trixie let out a chuckle and squeezed Katya tighter. It was one of Katya’s greatest pleasures to make Trixie laugh, even if the joke wasn’t funny. Katya chuckled with her and realized how long it’s been since she laughed. It instantly made her sad again.
“I miss you, Trixie” Katya sighed.
“I missed you too, honey,” Trixie responded, placing her chin on Katya’s shoulder and facing her. “I should’ve paid more attention while crossing the street. I’m so sorry.”
“It’s not your fault...the asshole that hit you is getting sentenced soon, you know,” Katya replied. “I hope he rots.” Katya felt anger now bubbling inside her. When the police found the man that hit Trixie they contacted Katya to keep her informed. She never went to the trial, but she always kept tabs on the process. She wanted justice for Trixie.
“It doesn’t matter in the end,” Trixie replied, rubbing Katya’s back in little circles. “If it was my time to go, there was nothing that could’ve stopped it.”
“But why now?” Katya cried. “You didn’t even get to see the ring I got you. It was really nice with pink little gemstones...you would’ve loved it.”
“You could’ve proposed with a ring pop and I would’ve loved it. Because I love you.” Trixie whispered softly.
Katya grabbed Trixie’s hand and rubbed her thumb across the top. This was the first time Trixie ever came to visit her during the day. Usually she only saw Trixie and night, and only if she tried very hard. With the start of the day covering them both, Katya never wanted to see her at night again.
“Why’d you visit me so early?” Katya questioned. “Not that I don’t love seeing you but-”
“I wanted to watch the sun rise with you. I normally watch it by myself but I’m happy you’re here,” Trixie interrupted. “It reminds me of when you would wake me up so we could come down and watch it together. God, how I hated it then. I miss it so much now.”
Katya turned to face Trixie now, her smooth skin covered by the orange glow of the rising sun. Trixie’s big hazel eyes looked longfully at Katya. Her face covered in little freckles that Katya used to kiss every morning. Her lips were as plump as they were on the day they first met, curved in a slight smile. Not a word was said between them, but they didn’t have to. Ever since they met, they’ve always been able to say everything without saying anything at all. For a moment, the two women were in pure bliss.
“You’re getting old,” Trixie joked. She knew the tension of the moment would drive Katya insane.
“I wish we were growing old together,” Katya replied. “God, I wish I could kiss you again.”
“You can.”
“But it’s not real...none of this is.” Katya replied sadly. Their faces were inches away from each other, and the soft and sad tones of their voices made their conversation feel incredibly intimate.
After a moment, Trixie broke the silence. “I’ll always be here for you, y’know. Waiting. Please...take your time,” she whispered.
Katya closed her eyes as tears streamed down her face at hearing those words. When she opened them again, Trixie was gone. Katya felt a painful twinge in her chest, and wondered when this would get any easier. She leaned back on the sand and watched the clouds in the sky move with the rotation of the Earth. Like the clouds, Katya understood that the day would move on, the Earth would turn, and the days would end. Katya knew that she would do what she had always done: take things too far. And loving Trixie? She would take that to the very end.