Biting her nails, she frantically checked her phone every few seconds. She’d check her messages, only to find that she’s not received a new message. She’d turn off her phone before turning it on again to check Instagram, hoping it’d be a different story. If Instagram provided nothing satisfactory, she’d check her messaging app instead. This cycle repeated as she impatiently tapped her foot onto the floor.
Standing outside of the sports arena, she looked a shadow of who she usually was. Her bright smile was now a crooked frown. The coloured ends of her hair were fading as strands popping out hinted at the lack of self-grooming. The usual accessories around her wrists were gone and her outfit was lazily picked out.
Her appearance was the least of her concerns. She paced around in front of the entrance. She checked the time. It was fifteen minutes past five in the afternoon. Hockey practice ended at five and there was still no sign of her girlfriend. It’s been days since their last actual conversation. Anything else during that time period was nothing but dry texts and lack of purpose, but it wasn’t as bad as not getting a single reply in the last 36 hours.
As players began to stream out of the arena, her heart began to beat faster when her partner was still yet to exit the place. Did she leave via the other entrance? Did she just not come to training? Is she actively ignoring her? She couldn’t get her head straight. It was when her mind started to run in circles that the aforementioned person eventually popped out of the arena. Talking to her teammate, her smile was bright as the two talked about the next fixture and what they hoped to accomplish then.
As for the young cheer captain, she didn’t like that. She called out for her girlfriend’s name as the hockey player looked towards her direction. For some reason, it felt that her expression changed. It was subtle, but it was vastly different when compared to her bright demeanour earlier. Telling her teammate to go ahead without her, she walked towards the girl who called out for her.
“Hey, B. I didn’t know you were gonna be here.”
“I told you over text. Why didn’t you read it?”
“Really? Sorry. It must’ve slipped my mind.”
“That can’t be true,” the cheerleader accused. “You were online on Instagram half the time, there’s no way you didn’t check your Messages at all.”
Suddenly the atmosphere dampened.
“Look. Can we not do this here? Can’t this wait until we find a more appropriate place to talk about this?”
“Oh, right. Yes. You’re just trying to weasel your way out of an explanation now.”
“I’m not? Do you seriously want to have this conversation in front of everyone here?”
It wasn’t the first rodeo either of them went through. This conversation was brought up several times during the few months since they started dating. At first it was a harmless question that quickly turned aggressive. Neither parties were ready to drop their egos and understand the other, leading to a relationship that quickly turned toxic when one chose to actively avoid the issue whilst the other tried to force a quick solution.
“The only thing you do is run away from any form of conversation. Can’t you just tell me why it’s so hard for you to reply? Do you just hate me or what?”
“How many times do I need to tell you? I’m just tired. Both physically and mentally. If I don’t reply it’s probably because I’m recovering?”
“Recovering? Right. But you have all the time in the world to post on Instagram and doomscroll don’t you?”
“Holy shit. You’re gauging how busy I am based on what I do on social media? Do you know how unhinged that sounds? Is it that hard to believe I was just too tired to reply to you?”
“Yes? Because guess what, I.C., you’re not the only one who has practice every week. I also do. But you don’t see me ghosting you so I could go on Instagram and leave you in the dark.”
“Oh my-. You know something? This is the exact reason I turned off my read receipts because you keep trying to micromanage me. I have my own life. I’m not obliged to give you an answer everytime you message me-.”
“I’m your GIRLFRIEND,” the shorter girl shouted. Pauses inbetween each word, interrupting the girl in front of her.
“How many times do I have to hear the same excuses again and again? I’m not your classmates. I’m not just one of your friends. I’m your girlfriend, is it that out of the question to want a reply?”
There was a slight pause.
“I told you before. Many many times. I just need an answer. Even if you’re busy, is it that hard to just let me know? You listened to me opening up to you and you decided to ignore everything.”
“You’re obsessive.”
“You didn’t seem to mind it when you needed it.”
“Excuse me? What are you trying to say?”
“Whenever you were feeling down you always wanted me to ask. Bring you out. Do things together. You just wanted the ego boost didn’t you?”
“I know I might be obsessive sometimes. But at least I can say without hesitation I love you wholeheartedly. I’d drop whatever I was doing if you ever needed me. But you? You never reciprocate it unless you needed it.”
“That’s-”
“Why even date me if the love was circumstancial?”
There was a silence. It’s not as if the hockey player could deny most of it. Did she love her girlfriend? Yes. Were there times she wished she’d go away and leave her alone? Yes. As those words came out of her partner’s mouth, she began to reflect on the past conversations they had about this.
She wanted to prove her wrong, but she couldn’t.
She wasn’t wrong for wanting to have a little time to herself. Not even her girlfriend was saying she wasn’t allowed to. But to completely disregard her?
Her ego was holding her back from admitting that.
“What are we then?”
“...What?”
“When you’re feeling depressed and need someone, I’m your girlfriend. When you’re doing fine and no longer need a boost, I’m what? Just some crazy chick who has to beg for your attention?”
“I… I don’t know “
There was another pause of silence.
“Do you want to break up with me?”
“I. I don’t know either.”
She didn't know exactly what to say. Did she truly love her or did she just love the attention? If it was the former, how does she prove it when all she rather was to do anything that didn’t involve her partner?
Was dating her the wrong choice?
She couldn't believe that question even crossed her mind as her eyes widened slightly.
She looked in front at her girlfriend. Her brows furrowed as a sadness filled her face.
“I get it.”
“I’m sorry for even entering your life.”
Despite being known for being cold, it was her girlfriend who had the colder demeanour. She turned around and all she could see was her back. The cheerleader’s arm raising up to her face to seemingly wipe something off.
She couldn’t say anything. She could only see her walk off into the distance.