Chapter 4
The next morning, Steve was awakened by a sudden weight landing on his thighs. He jerked up in surprise, wondering where he was for a minute before remembering the portal and insanity that followed, then looked down at his lap, where a black and white cat was standing, looking at Steve with an expression of deep offense. Steve blinked down at the cat, wondering if he was losing his mind, and finally picked the cat up gently, placing the fluffy critter to the side and getting out of the bed. The cat gave him another offended look, then walked in a circle on the bed and settled down in a little blob of fur. Steve stared at it for a moment, then stepped out of the room, almost walking directly into a dark-skinned woman in her twenties who he didn’t recognize. She raised an eyebrow at him, then brought one hand up to pinch the bridge of her nose, counting backwards from ten under her breath. When she reached 1, she looked back up at him and asked, “Are you a new… business associate of Bruce’s?”
She somehow managed to make the question sound like a threat in a way that Steve had come to associate with Pepper and Steve fought the desire to take a step back, then answered, “Um. No, ma’am. Just a visitor.”
The woman took a deep breath, then asked, “A visitor? From where?”
Steve opened and closed his mouth a few times before finally replying, “Um. New York, ma’am.”
The woman took another deep breath, then turned on one terrifyingly tall heel and stormed down the hallway, shouting, “Timothy Jackson Drake, you get your cowardly ass out here this instant and explain yourself!”
Steve blinked in surprise, then, after a moment of consideration, turned and walked down the hall in the direction that the woman had come from. After several dozen twists and turns, as well as walking in a few circles, Steve found the staircase and descended, only to freeze in surprise.
There was a cow.
There was a large black and white cow standing at the base of the stairs, munching on a vase of flowers. It looked up at him as he reached the base of the stairs, then mooed once and continued munching on the flowers. Steve stared at it for several long minutes, then finally decided to just try to find the dining room and see if anyone was awake. It took him a few tries, but he was soon able to pick up on the sound of voices and follow it to the dining room, where Tim, the woman Steve had bumped into, and an older man in a suit with similar features to the woman were sitting. Tim was dressed in an odd mix of squirrel-printed pajama pants, a half-buttoned dress shirt over an oversized t-shirt, a perfectly tied blue tie, and a suit jacket, his hair in a tiny little ponytail at the base of his neck and a mug with “Local Goblin'' emblazoned on it cradled in his hands like it was something precious. The man looked distinctly amused and Tim frowned at him, grumping, “Your demon daughter told me I was late to a meeting with the Paris division.”
The man laughed at that, then answered, “I asked Tam to go and nicely wake you up so we can discuss Luthor’s newest proposal.”
Tim muttered something about eggs under his breath and the woman rolled her eyes, answering, “As delightful as that video of Luthor getting egged is, we unfortunately can’t just email him the link as a response to his proposal. We are mature adult businesspeople, Mr. Drake-Wayne.”
Tim scowled, then took a swig from his mug and asked, “How close to flat-out telling him to eat shit can I get?”
“As close as you can make sound professional. I suggest ‘Due to ideological conflicts between Wayne Enterprises and LexCorp, Wayne Enterprises will unfortunately have to decline the proposed project between Wayne Enterprises and LexCorp.’ A professional way of saying that due to Lex Luthor being a supervillain and a grade-A asshole, he and his company can eat shit.”
Tim nodded, mulling it over, then answered, “This is why you’re the greatest assistant a person could ask for, Tam.”
The woman, Tam, nodded firmly, shooting back, “And don’t you forget it, Tim.”
“However could I? You’d never let me.”
Steve cleared his throat and Tim glanced up at him, then greeted, “Hey, Steve. Tam, Lucius, meet Steve. He’s a hero from another universe. Steve, Tam and Lucius Fox. They work with me and Bruce at Wayne Enterprises.”
Steve nodded and settled into a seat down the table from them as Alfred and Jason entered the dining room. Both had a tray of breakfast foods in their hands and Alfred had a large box under one arm. He set his tray down, then handed the box to Tim, stating, “A package was delivered for you, Master Tim.”
Jason settled into the chair beside Tim and began plating up the food as Tim narrowed his eyes at the box and started to push it away, making a disgusted noise in the back of his throat. In response, Tam pushed it back at him, ordering, “Open it, coward. I wanna see what that creep sent you this time.”
Tim scowled, but, when Jason offered him a pocket knife, took it and sliced the top of the box open, stating, “If I find lingerie in this thing, I swear I’m gonna puke.”
Alfred set an empty mixing bowl on the table next to Tim’s elbow, then requested, “Do be sure to aim for the bowl, Master Tim. It is quite a chore to get stains out of this rug.”
Tim pouted at him, then opened the box and immediately recoiled like it had burned him, his whole face flaring red. Jason leaned over to look into the box and promptly choked on the piece of bacon he had just taken a bite of, covering his mouth with a napkin as he coughed. Tam raised an eyebrow and leaned across the table, then jerked back, asking, “Is that a dildo?!?”
Tim slid out of his chair to hide under the table and, when Steve looked under the table, he found Tim curled up in a fetal position on the rug. When he looked back up, Jason, looking nauseated, was re-entering the dining room with a black trash bag, which he used to pick up a dildo that looked to be nearly the size of Steve’s arm. He dropped it into the bag and tied the bag closed, then stated, “I’m setting his cape on fire next time I see him. Actually. No. I’m setting him on fire next time I see him.”
Tim slowly emerged from under the table, making Steve think of a groundhog emerging from its den, and scolded, almost absent-mindedly, “No killing, Jay.”
Jason scowled, but acquiesced, “Fine. I’ll just set his cape on fire.”
Tim nodded and looked back in the box cautiously, removing an ornate red and gold necklace and bracelet from the box and sighing, “Think he’ll figure out that every piece of extravagant jewelry he sends just ends up going to either Selina or your college fund?”
Jason dropped back into the seat beside Tim and answered, “Well, he still hasn’t figured out that you’re not interested, so probably not.”
Tim pulled out his phone, taking a picture of the jewelry, then set the jewelry aside and pulled out an ornately carved dagger. Jason whistled lowly and leaned in to look at the dagger, then commented, “Pretty ballsy of him to send you a pointy object.”
Tim half-heartedly swatted him, then answered, “You’re a jerk, Jay.”
Jason kissed the top of Tim’s head with a laugh, then returned to eating his breakfast. Steve’s face no doubt showed his confusion and Tim rolled his eyes, stating, “Just ask whatever you’re thinking.”
Steve hesitated, then asked, “Who sent you… that?”
Tim made a face of sheer disgust, then spat, “Ra’s al Ghul, or, as he is known in this family, Raisin Goose. He’s got a weird obsession with me and wants to marry me, despite being nearly a thousand years older than me. I think I mentioned him before. Creepy stalker, likes to send me weird gifts and the occasional phallic fruit basket? Runs the murder cult that Jason and Damian were part of for a while?”
Steve blinked, certain that his face looked like he had just been smacked, and slowly answered, “Oh. I see.”
He glanced around to see if anyone else was surprised by that information, but everyone else was acting like what Tim had said was completely normal. After a minute of just staring at Tim, Steve pushed his confusion to the side and asked, “What are you going to do about it?”
“Aside from ignore him and occasionally egg him when he comes to Gotham? Not much. Every little bit of attention he gets just fuels his delusion that I’m actually into him and playing hard to get. Though, a while ago I had Jay burn down and graffiti a bunch of his bases.”
Steve nodded, taking a minute to process the information as more people trickled into the room. The table was soon occupied by all of the Avengers and most of the Bat-Family, with only Kate, Colin, and Selina missing, and the noise level steadily increased as arguments got started.
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Breakfast ended pretty quickly and the family soon dispersed, leaving Cassandra, Damian, and Stephanie behind with the Avengers.
“We should put glitter in the Batmobile’s vents.”
Steve stared at Stephanie and she stared back, the gleam in her eyes practically daring Steve to be the responsible one and say no. Before Steve could say anything, Peter tipped his head and asked, “Why?”
Stephanie shrugged, leaning back in her chair and answering, “I’m sure he’s done something to necessitate vengeance. He usually has.”
Tony raised an eyebrow, opening his mouth to no doubt agree, but Steve suddenly blurted, “You should do something to someone who has actually done something to deserve vengeance, like that guy, Raisin or whatever Tim had called him.”
Stephanie quirked an eyebrow, but brought one hand up to stroke an invisible goatee, musing, “Yes, I like that. Just what do you propose, Steve?”
Steve blanked out, scrambling for an idea, and Peter lit up, blurting, “We could make a glitter bomb!”
Chills went down Steve’s spine at Stephanie’s grin and she answered, “Oh, I like the way you think, Peter.”
Peter beamed and Stephanie stood, announcing, “Operation Glitter Bomb is a go. Who wants in?”
Everyone raised their hands and Stephanie grinned, then stated, “Let’s go.”
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Two hours later, the group had nearly fifty pounds of ultra-fine glitter in purple, red, gold, black, and blue, as well as a plan for how to build the glitter bombs. As they worked, Cassandra’s expression suddenly turned even more mischievous than it had been previously and she darted upstairs, returning with a handful of empty water balloons and a gallon jug of olive oil. She set them on the table with a smile and Stephanie lit up like a lightbulb, everything about her expression promising chaos and trouble to come. Steve raised an eyebrow and Cassandra gave a grin of her own, then began filling the balloons with the glitter and oil. They soon finished and Clint leaned back in his seat, asking, “Now, how do we get the bombs to this Raisin guy?”
Stephanie grinned and answered, “Easy. We call Conner. As long as we have a spare one he can deliver to Lex Luthor’s office, he’ll deliver them for us.”
The name Lex Luthor rang a bell in Steve’s brain and he slowly asked, “Lex Luthor is the one who cloned Clark to make Conner, right?”
Stephanie looked surprised, then, typing on her phone while she talked, answered, “Yep. Conner finds it funny to send him ‘gifts’ on Father’s Day and his birthday. For his birthday, he and Tim made a video of Lex getting egged go viral. I have no doubt Conner will love the glitter bomb. We made one with red and black specially for him.”
Her phone vibrated and she glanced at it, then grinned and answered, “He’ll be here in twenty. I’ll go ask Babs to hack the League’s cameras again. And then we'll go put the spare glitter in the Batmobile's vents.”