Dami slowly stumbled into the apartment that she shared with her girlfriend, Handong, as she struggled to hold back her tears. She wished that she was numb. That she couldn’t feel anything anymore. Everything was too much for her right now.
She slowly looked to the left of the door and spotted Handong’s packed luggage and sunk to her knees as the tears started to flow down her cheeks. She had struggled to hold it all in for so long, but now she was at a breaking point.
She clutched the luggage to her like it could bring Handong back. Like she could walk in like nothing is wrong and smile that smile that Dami loved so much, but that wasn’t possible now.
As Dami’s sobs grew stronger, she heard something fall out of the luggage and looked down. There was an envelope with her name on it in Handong’s delicate handwriting. It seemed to have fallen from the partially opened luggage.
Dami carefully opened it to find a memory card and a handwritten letter. The ink was blurred from what looked like Handong’s fallen tears as she wrote it. Maybe this would explain everything Dami wondered as she looked at the first line in the letter and read it aloud softly.
“Please don’t hate me. This video will explain everything. I love you…” Dami read as her chest ached with emptiness, but after a while, her curiosity got the better of her as she slowly stood and shuffled over to her laptop and popped the memory card in.
Her laptop was set up to a projector for when they would have movie nights, and soon an image of Handong appeared on the white wall in front of her. Already Dami could see that Handong looked like she was struggling with something.
“I… I don’t know how to start this…” Handong said as she nervously looked at the camera before looking away. Her tears were clearly visible. They were so close to falling already.
“Just please don’t hate me…” Handong said as Dami took in all of her features. This had to have been filmed a week or two ago judging from her outfit. She had been planning to leave her for weeks.
“I, I won't be around for much longer… the doctors said that it has progressed too far for them to do anything without the possibility of losing all my memories of you…” Handong said as she looked at the camera with such a vulnerable look that Dami felt her breath catch. Everything was slowly starting to make sense.
“I know you probably think that I'm being selfish… but my memories of you are the most precious things in my life. The… the thought of forgetting you scares me more than dying…” Handong said softly as she looked away from the camera.
“I know you will probably hate me for pushing you away. For leaving, but I didn’t want you to see me struggling near the end. It, it hurts… so much…” Handong said as she took a ragged breath. Her emotions were threatening to overflow.
“I know that this is selfish of me… but I wanted to make this video for you. I want to tell you…” Handong took another breath to calm herself before she began again.
“now that I won't be there, please remember to take out the trash. I know you usually wait for me to do it. Don’t drink too much just because I'm not going to be here anymore. I know you like to drink when you are alone... and don’t forget to eat. I know that you tend to focus on something and forget to eat sometimes…” Handong said as she looked at the camera. Dami felt like Handong was truly talking to her as she listened silently.
“don’t hold everything in and suffer in silence and remember to eat your meals…” Handong said with a shaky voice as she scrunched her face in confusion. Had she said that already? She wasn’t sure anymore.
“and don’t go flirting with all the pretty girls. I will be watching, you know?” Handong laughed sadly as tears slowly streaked down her face. The thought of Dami being with anyone else broke her heart.
“and know that I will love you always. Make sure you take care of yourself, and please don’t get sick. I won't be there to take care of you anymore. If you do get sick, make sure you go to the doctors and take your medicine. I'm sorry… I guess I'm nagging… I, I don’t know how to do this…” Handong said as she suddenly scrunched her face again as she groaned and grabbed her head.
It was a habit that Dami had noticed over the last couple of weeks. At first, she thought it was cute. Her nose scrunched up cutely as she squinted at something. But Dami had no idea that Handong was hiding intense pain. The pain in her head that could bring her to tears in an instant. If only she had noticed the signs earlier. But Handong’s voice pulled her out of her thoughts as she continued.
“I know that this is horrible of me to ask of you. Maybe you would be better off forgetting me…” Handong said as she struggled on what to say.
One part of her wanted to tell Dami to hate her and never forgive her for what she was planning, but the other part of her was scared and wanted to cry in Dami’s arms and tell her how much she loved her over and over again and tell her how terrified she was. She honestly had no idea what to do or say.
“maybe forgetting me is better. Forget me and move on like I never existed… Be happy and smile more. Go out with friends and… and meet new people that will love you for you. You are the most amazing person I know. You deserve so much better… I'm so sorry…” Handong said as her tears became uncontrollable.
Dami clutched the letter still in her hands as she watched Handong struggle with her emotions. How she wished that she could hold her in her arms and tell her that everything was alright. That she could never hate her because Handong was her everything, but that day haunted her memories.
-The Beginning-
Dami walked into the apartment with a smile. She had managed to get off of work early for once and wanted to surprise her beautiful girlfriend. She didn’t know why, but Handong had seemed more distant than usual, and she wanted to fix whatever she might have done wrong.
She quickly went to take off her shoes when she spotted Handong’s luggage by the door and felt her heart drop. Why was it there? Was Handong planning on leaving her? She had been a bit distant, but it was nothing to leave over, right?
Dami quickly rushed into the apartment in search of her girlfriend as she called her name, but when she looked in the bedroom, she was nowhere to be seen. She quickly ran into the kitchen and couldn’t find her there either.
She ran into the living room towards the porch when she froze. On the other side of the coffee table, Dami saw a hand on the ground. Her eyes went wide as she rushed over to find Handong collapsed on the ground and mumbling incoherently.
“Handong? Handong what's wrong?” Dami cried as she tried to get a response, but all she heard was a soft apology from Handong.
“I'm so sorry… I, I wanted to leave so you wouldn’t see me like this…” Handong whispered before she slowly went silent.
The silence went on for too long, and soon Dami started to panic. She checked for a pulse and managed to find one, but it was extremely weak and slow. Panic rose in her chest as she struggled to pull out her phone with trembling hands and quickly dialed the phone.
“What is your emergency?” a girl asked as Dami broke down on the phone.
“I came home and found her on the ground! She was mumbling, and her pulse feels weak! Her breathing is slow and shallow too! I think she's dying!” Dami cried as the girl on the phone tried to calm her down and get the address.
Handong’s breathing slowed until it was almost nonexistent, and soon Dami found herself performing CPR on her girlfriend. She had thought it was stupid to take those classes, but Handong had told her that they could be useful someday. She had no idea it would be used to try to keep the woman she loved alive.
It was several minutes later when the paramedics arrived and took over CPR. They quickly gained a pulse back and loaded her onto a stretcher as they rushed her to the ambulance.
Dami grabbed her keys and went to start her car with shaky hands when her neighbor stopped her. She had heard her cries and watched the paramedics load Handong into the ambulance.
Dami looked up with pleading eyes, but Siyeon shook her head and pointed at her car that was parked beside Dami’s.
“I will drive you. You are too upset to drive. Hop in.” Siyeon said as Dami wiped the tears from her eyes and quickly climbed out of her car and rushed into the passenger seat of Siyeon’s car.
“What hospital?” Siyeon asked as Dami told her, and soon they were speeding after the ambulance.
It didn’t take long for Siyeon to pull up to the ER. She told Dami to get out and that she would be inside as soon as she parked. She didn’t want to leave Dami to go through this all alone. Even if they weren't that close, they were still neighbors, and Dami was clearly struggling.
Dami ran inside and quickly learned that Handong was rushed to CT right away, and the doctors were waiting for the results to see what was wrong so that they could know how to treat her.
Siyeon came in to see Dami sitting in the chair with her head down as she pressed her shaking hands together. She quickly walked over and sat beside her neighbor.
“any news yet?” Siyeon asked softly as Dami shook her head.
“t, they are waiting for the results of a CT…” Dami said as Siyeon sighed and put her arm around the younger girl. She didn’t know if she was crossing a line, but the girl looked so scared right now.
Dami didn’t pull away, so Siyeon stayed like that until a doctor walked up with a grim expression. Dami felt her heart drop, and so did Siyeon. They listened quietly, and soon Siyeon held the crying girl as the news sunk in.
“There is a tumor in her brain. It's very dangerous for us to operate on it… I'm afraid that there isn’t much we can do…” the doctor said as Dami sobbed into Siyeon’s shoulder.
“let's get a second opinion. Alright? My wife is a doctor, remember? Let me make a few calls…” Siyeon said after the doctor left as Dami nodded and released her kind neighbor.
It didn’t take long before Handong was getting transferred to the hospital Siyeon’s wife worked at. Dami didn’t want to hold any hope, but she couldn’t help it when she met the smiling doctor. She remembered greeting her in the hallway several times. ‘Minji. Her name was Minji.’ Dami thought.
“We ran some tests of our own. Handong is in bad shape, but there is a chance to save her. But there is a risk. The choice is up to you…” Minji said as she sat Dami down and started to explain everything. The entire time Siyeon stayed beside Dami supportively. She didn’t want her to struggle all alone.
“the part we need to operate near risks damaging someone's memories. At best, everything is fine, or there might be some minor memory loss, but in the worst-case scenario, she could not remember anything. And that’s if she is strong enough to make it through the surgery. I won't lie to you. It will be difficult. But the choice is yours.” Minji said softly as Dami sat there in shock.
Handong could live but might not remember her? She let that sink in but quickly realized something. She would rather Handong be alive and happy even if it meant she would forget all of her memories of Dami. The thought hurt, but what hurt worse was the idea that Handong wouldn’t be there anymore. After all, if Handong gave her a chance, they could always make new memories.
Dami quickly signed the consent forms for the surgery and waited outside the operating room for hours as Siyeon stayed by her. Even if they had only talked to each other in passing, the quiet dark-haired girl refused to leave Dami’s side. She could tell that the younger girl was struggling and bottling everything up inside and wanted to help in any way she could.
It was many hours later when the doors slowly opened, and Minji walked out. She looked completely exhausted but still managed to smile and reassure them that everything went well.
“We won't know if it damaged her memory until after she wakes up, but she is alive and breathing. She will go to the ICU until she Is a bit more stable. Once she gets transferred to a regular floor, you can visit her. alright?” Minji said as Dami clutched her hand in thanks.
Handong might not remember her, but she was alive, and that is what mattered most to her right now. The love of her life was alive. She sighed in relief as she sunk back against the wall as Siyeon looked at her wife gratefully.
Minji smiled at her wife. Of course the complete softie would stay by Dami’s side. But without her, Handong would have been left to die at that hospital without being given a chance. Siyeon really had saved Handong though she wouldn’t take credit for it.
That was a week or two ago. Handong still had not woken up, and everyone was starting to worry about the outcome. It was the first time that Dami had been home since she found Handong collapsed on the living room floor, and now she found the video.
Now she felt regret as she held Handong’s tear-stained letter. Handong’s most precious possession was their memories together. Did she just get rid of them all in a selfish act? Just because she couldn’t bear to lose Handong?
The video finally ended when a new clip played. It seemed to have been filmed after, and Dami couldn’t help but feel her throat tighten as she saw Handong smiling sadly.
“I just want these to be my last words to you. Dami, I love you so much. You are my everything, and I just wish I wasn’t so stubborn and told you this more often. I wish I told you just how proud I am of you and how much you meant to me, but was too proud…” Handong said softly as she shook her head and looked at the camera again.
“you were the best thing to happen in my life. I love you now, and I will love you forever. I will be waiting for you if you will forgive me… I love you, Dami, and I always will.” Handong said as she crumpled a used tissue in her hand.
The video soon went black as Dami looked at the now crumpled letter in her hands. It was telling her everything that she forgot in the video, and Dami clutched it to her chest after she finished reading and slowly stood as she showered and grabbed some belongings to head back to the hospital.
Dami arrived back at the hospital and walked into Handong’s room as she heard the steady beeping of her heart monitor. It looked like Handong was sleeping peacefully, and Dami hoped that was the case. She wished she was having happy and peaceful dreams.
Dami woke Siyeon, who had stayed there while Dami headed home. She thanked her friend, and soon Siyeon shuffled off sleepily to go find something to eat. After Siyeon left, Dami took her place as she slid her hand in Handong’s and watched her silently.
It didn’t take long for Dami to start feeling sleepy. Soon she rested her head on the bed but was startled awake by an odd sensation.
Dami opened her eyes as she watched Handong gently squeeze her hand and quickly sat up as she looked at her girlfriend. She was slowly waking.
Handong’s eyes were slowly moving behind her closed eyelids as she slowly woke. Dami quickly hit the call light on the bed and shouted that Handong was slowly waking up as the staff and Minji came running.
Handong slowly opened her eyes as she looked around the room. Everything was blurry, and it took a while to clear, but the first thing she saw was Dami looking down at her as she smiled.
“ah… I must be dead. But at least I got to see your face one more time…” Handong said softly as Dami’s eyes went wide.
“y, you can remember me?” Dami asked as everyone went still in the room. Handong smiled and nodded as she yawned. She was already feeling sleepy again and also a bit disoriented.
“what's wrong? Why are you crying?” Handong asked softly as she reached out and touched Dami’s cheek.
The younger girl leaned into the touch as she placed her own hand over Handong’s as her tears slowly fell onto the bed.
“I thought I lost you!” Dami whispered as Handong noticed the iv in her hand and looked around. She was slowly realizing where she was, and soon Dami’s question made sense. ‘you can remember me?’
“d, did I get the surgery?” Handong asked as Dami looked down guiltily.
“yes. We were able to get you into the operating room just in time.” Minji said as Handong looked at her in confusion.
“but the doctor said that I would forget everything. Maybe even my name… how can I still remember everything?” Handong asked as Minji frowned. She knew the answer. It was a risky surgery, and many doctors didn’t want to do it because they feared the risk of being sued.
“What matters is that you are alive, and you have your memories. You might have lost some memories, but you can remember Dami. So we will have to wait and see.” Minji said as Handong looked at Dami once more.
“This is real? This isn’t a dream?” Handong asked as Dami nodded and gently hugged her. Handong could feel Dami’s warmth and knew that it was real. That all her worries were for nothing. She was alive and holding Dami once more.
“I'm so sorry…” Handong whispered as Dami shook her head and held her tighter. All that mattered was that Handong was alive and remembered her.
“Please don’t leave me again…” Dami said weakly as Minji smiled and watched the two. It was a miracle that Handong woke up. As the days passed, Minji worried that the surgery had failed. But Handong had managed to wake up safely.
Several tests later, Handong was told that the surgery was successful. She had to go and get checked regularly to make sure that everything was alright, but after several days she was told she could go home.
All this time, Dami didn’t leave her side except when she was banished to the apartment for a shower and to grab some clean clothes. Siyeon had also visited frequently and soon had become quite close with both of them.
-Returning Home-
It was finally time for Handong to return home, and she was somewhat nervous. She didn’t know why, but she felt anxious. It was her home and was filled with so many memories, but deep down, she worried that she wouldn’t remember some of her favorite memories.
Dami held her hand and squeezed it encouragingly as she looked at Handong. They were standing in front of their door, and she had to admit she felt like a nervous wreck. But when she looked at Dami, she could see the younger girl looked worried as well.
“I um… might need to clean the place up. Just don’t worry about it, alright? I was a bit out of it while I was waiting for you to wake up…” Dami said nervously as she looked away. Handong had no idea that her nervousness was actually due to something else.
Handong gave her a teasing look as she turned to face her. Dami looked up and noticed that familiar expression and smiled.
“you trashed our apartment, didn’t you? This is what happens when you are alone for a bit… whatever would you do without me?” Handong asked as Dami laughed and wrapped her arms around the older girl.
“I would be nothing without you. Let's go inside.” Dami said as she gently kissed Handong and led her into the apartment.
The first thing that Handong noticed was the laptop on the table, and the videos pulled up. Handong had hoped that she hadn’t found them, but it looked like it was too late.
“Dami… I'm sorry…” Handong said as she looked down. She couldn’t believe that she had actually planned on leaving Dami and thought that it would be a better solution.
“no need to apologize. You were scared and unsure of what to do. Just please don’t keep something like this from me. I love you and want to be there for you through everything. Even if it hurts, I want to be someone you can trust and lean on.” Dami said as Handong hugged her tightly.
“you already are. I was just too afraid to realize it. I didn’t want to make you suffer with me…” Handong said as she let Dami see the weaker side of her.
Dami just held her as they stood there silently. She was waiting for Handong to feel better, and once she did, Dami leaned back so that they looked each other in the eyes.
“Just promise you will stay with me forever?” Dami asked as Handong smiled.
“That sounds like a proposal.” Handong teased as Dami smiled.
“because it is,” Dami said softly as she walked into the next room and came out with a tiny grey kitten. It had a tiny collar on it and dangling from it was a beautiful ring. Handong looked at Dami in shock as the younger girl smiled.
“Siyeon has been pet sitting while I was at the hospital,” Dami said as she handed the tiny fluffball to Handong. The kitten immediately started purring as it climbed and snuggled against her neck.
“it's so tiny…” Handong said as the happy kitten proceeded to purr louder.
“will you stay with us?” Dami asked as she freed the ring from his collar and held it up for Handong to see. It was absolutely beautiful. Handong could only nod as Dami gently slid the ring on her finger and hugged her while being careful of the purring kitten.
“It might not be what you expected, but we are a family now,” Dami said as she gently rubbed the kitten's cheeks as it purred and pawed at her playfully.
“it's even better than I imagined…” Handong said as she leaned forward and kissed her fiancé. Even though Handong had put Dami through so much without meaning to, it didn’t change that her home was still Dami. And to hold her in her arms once more as her fiancé, it was the best gift she could ever receive.
“so, what will you name him?” Dami asked as they played with the tiny kitten.
“hmm… Nannan?” Handong said as Dami smiled.
“then will you stay with Nannan and me forever? Will you marry me?” Dami asked as Handong smiled and hugged her happily.
“oh, and Siyeon says she’s Nannan’s aunt and should get visiting rights. She has grown quite fond of the little fluffball.” Dami said as Handong looked at the tiny kitten.
“I don’t blame her. Siyeon and Minji are always welcome. Its thanks to both of them that I am alive.” Handong said as Dami smiled and pulled out her phone. She had promised to message Siyeon and Minji after she proposed.
She hit send, and soon they heard cheering through the wall. Both Handong and Dami laughed as they shook their heads. Who knew that the ones to save Handong would become their closest friends?
“but Nannan better not like Siyeon more than me…” Handong said with a pout as Dami laughed.
Everything now felt right to Dami. She had a beautiful fiancé and an adorable kitten as well as two close friends that lived right next door. The idea of planning the wedding scared her. But being able to say that Handong was her wife made it all worth it.