Lady Grinning Soul
I managed to sneak back into my room before the house started to wake up and dodge awkward questions from my siblings or mother. The hours I’d spent with Katya felt so precious, I hated the idea of other people sticking their noses in and discovering the fun we had together. I could just imagine Mother’s disapproving sneers: “don’t fraternise with the staff, Beatrice. They’re not here to be friendly, they’re here to do a job. You don’t want to be giving them ides above their station.” I shuddered a little at the thought.
I knew very little about politics. Mother was a devoted Tory and often went to rallies and hosted tea parties for Conservative MPs. I couldn’t verbally express it, but something about that never felt quite right to me. Why did some people ‘deserve’ to be poor? It never really made any sense. But I’d never had anyone to educate me on the subject apart from my Conservative neighbours, so I just grew used to the hot sensation of injustice spark in my stomach, and silently disagreed, burning with fury whenever Mother went off on a rant about the group of homeless people who once stayed in the local village, or the women’s rights groups we saw in the newspapers.
Mother was in a bad mood today. She had good days and bad days – when I was younger, I used to sit at the dining room table waiting for her to come downstairs, guessing whether she was going to be in a good mood or not. Today was going to be hard, I could tell – before we’d even started eating, she was berating everything in sight, from my outfit to Charlotte speaking too loudly to the morning’s newspapers. Deciding I’d rather go hungry than to sit under her grim steely gaze, I slipped back upstairs to my room hoping I could avoid her for the rest of the day.
I hated being so trapped like this. I wished so badly to get out and explore. The world was so huge, so bursting with colour and life and energy, that it genuinely pained me to be forced to sit inside and sew and practise being a ‘good housewife’. Sometimes in the night, I burst out crying, needing to leave this house so badly. I could feel the first terrifying twinges of panic in my chest, so I hastily flicked the ‘on’ switch on my record player, which already had a Dolly record from the night before balanced on it, and gazed out the window to calm myself. As the record started slowly spinning, I could feel my panic gradually ebbing away. Music was my only escape on days like these – I’d play Dolly or June Carter Cash or Cabaret over and over again until the music all blended into one and the gentle guitar twangs blasted out the racing thoughts in my mind. Calm, Trixie, calm. Count to ten. Hum along to the tune. Stop your hands shaking.
Three moving shapes caught my eye from the garden, blurred a little from the tears. I blinked furiously for several seconds, then refocused my eyes. It was my brother and sister, happier than I’d ever seen them, accompanied by… Katya. She had her skirts tucked up in her drawers and was as unrestrained as any child, turning cartwheels and skipping around joyfully. Despite myself, I could feel a small smile plucking at my lips. She was teaching William and Charlotte to cartwheel by the looks of it. Their chubby legs flailed around in the grass while she turned cartwheel after endless cartwheel, but they the kids didn’t look disheartened or frustrated at their lack of ability. The most notable thing about the whole scene was that all three of them were grinning, real, wide grins, basking in the warm sunlight. Katya’s hair seemed to shimmer.
I stood up, preparing to bolt downstairs and join them, but suddenly I saw a shadow marching angrily across the grass. My mother. My smile slipped from my face like melting ice, and a flash of fear crackled in my stomach. I raced downstairs before I could stop myself.
I arrived in the garden while Mother was mid-sentence. My heart sank as I heard she was yelling.
“-absolutely unprofessional. I don’t know what you were thinking, Miss Zamo, but I do not view your actions kindly. Your job here is to take care of the garden, not distract my children from their schoolwork and flash your legs around like some common prostitute. I should dismiss you right here and now.” Katya hung her head. William and Charlotte were clinging to her protectively.
Before I could stop myself, a gasp slipped out of my mouth at my mother’s harsh words. I prayed it was quiet enough that it would be undetected, but my mother whipped her head around, her eyes blazing with fury. I froze.
“Something to add, Beatrice?”” she snarled. Behind her, Katya minutely shook her head, telling me to save myself and not get involved, but I’d had too many days of mutely agreeing with whatever my mother said. I couldn’t just stand by and watch Katya get fired. I opened my mouth to protest and stuttered for a couple of seconds.
“I… er…” I trailed off. My mother cocked her head sarcastically.
“Well?”
I felt a sudden flood of indignation and fury that fuelled me. I stood up straighter and exhaled sharply through my nose.
“You can’t fire Katya. If you fire her now the garden will start to die with no one to look after it. By the time you’ve hired someone new it will be irreparable.” I said, sounding far more confident than I was. I had no idea if this would actually happen to the garden, but it seemed the best way to appeal to my mother and get Katya to stay. For a second I wasn’t sure if it would work, but then I saw her head tilt and her nostrils flare as she considered. Finally she nodded.
“Fine. I won’t fire her. But you…” she turned sharply to Katya, “are not to interact with my children again. And this garden better be blooming within the month.” I felt relief flood through me and my eyes met Katya’s. We both smiled gently, until I felt bony fingers encircle around my wrist and yanked me back to reality.
“Beatrice, I want a word.” William and Charlotte scattered away as I was dragged into the kitchen. Turning my head back to face Katya, I could see her face creased with worry for me. Fear crackled, hot and dark, within me.
Once back in the kitchen, my mother roughly jerked me round to face her and slammed the door shut.
“How dare you talk back to me. I give you everything – a nice house, a good upbringing, fine prospects. And this is how you repay me? I’m sick of the sight of you, Beatrice. You disgust me.”
I felt my nose ache like it always does when I’m about to cry, and hot tears of frustration clog up my throat, but I forced myself to hold my ground. Something inside me spurred me to fight back.
“William and Charlotte were having fun. I think it’s disgusting of you to quench that. Or maybe you’re just jealous of Katya, taking better care of them than you ever have-“
My words were cut short as a harsh slap caught me across the face, forcing all the air out of my lungs, making my eyes bulge with shock and unshed tears.
“You think you can speak that way to me? You think I don’t notice, but I’ve seen you at church, leeching after all the girls. That’s why you’re so obsessed with Katya. You’re nothing but a filthy dyke, hanging around her like a whining puppy. You can defy the Lord all you like, but He never forgets. I’ll stamp it out of you before you can become an even worse sinner than you are now. Get out of my sight.” She hissed in my face. I didn’t need to be told twice. Clutching my stinging cheek, I raced up the two flights of stairs to my room, flung myself on my bed and finally let the dam break, and allowed myself to cry.