Against My Better Judgement
Tapping the pencil against the side of her head, the journal in front of her laying bare with none of the homework for tonight done, Uraraka knew there was only one thing that could help get through this fog of inactivity.
Continuing to tap the pencil against the side of her head, Uraraka sighed and decided getting scolded by Aizawa for a day’s late work was worth just collapsing on the couch. Which she proceeded to do.
“Algebra. Chemistry History. Why I gotta learn about history? If it mattered, it would still be around! That’s why it’s history.” Lifting her head off the couch, Uraraka blinked twice into space. “That made absolutely no sense.”
Rolling with a sigh so she faced upwards at the roof, the resident gravity master only found herself more confused after quitting work for the night. This wasn’t like her. She could usually write books and books worth of busy-work. But tonight all she had in her brain was dust. What was with her?
“All trans girls know is how to eat hot chip and lies.” Chuckling to herself, Uraraka’s humor died as quickly as it came. Potentially due to the fact that she just outed the reason for her lack drive tonight that she had painstakingly tried to keep buried.
Outed. That was a choice word to use. Was what she did outing Bakugou? It was only between her and Uraraka. (“I’m calling Bakugou her now. That’s new.”) Not like she invited Bakugou to a trans flag-clad coming out party with Disclosure playing on the TV at a 100% volume.
No, she just told the girl to keep her shit together and covered her to make sure no-one else knew. Pretty nice of Uraraka, she thought, all things considered.
Not like Bakugou ever did anything worth of Uraraka having her back. All that internalized transphobic shit did was call Uraraka names, possibly traumatized Deku in their past and also was this close to calling Urarka-the girl who was saving her bacon mind you-a very hurtful word the other morning.
And yet, Uraraka found this whole conundrum flowing through her mind like the world’s most annoying Pride parade. Why was that?
“Uraraka,” She thought inwardly. “The girl’s a bitch with a capital B. If anything, the shit Bakugou’s going through right now is just karma.”
“Karma? That’s what being trans is to you?”
An internal sigh as Uraraka felt her thoughts take a cue from something that proved very bothersome to her quite often. The Conscience. The dueling of thoughts would likely look odd to anyone outside of this conversation. Uraraka twisting her back and forth on the pillow as the arguing with self continued.
“I didn’t mean it like that. Bakugou’s a bully. And a transphobic one. Gotta remember that.”
“Like you didn’t have some bad thoughts like that when you we’re starting out.”
“And guess what? I wasn't entitled to anyone's help. That’s on me and I own that.”
“True, true. But do you really want to leave a fellow sister out in the dark?”
Bringing her two hands to face, Urarak smothered her frustration as she sat up. Yeah, yeah she knew the part of her more keyed to selfless morality was right. No matter how much she fucking hated that part.
Arising to her feet and pulling on her blazer, Uraraka gave one last look in the door-side mirror before she left the room.
A smile grew on her face. Bakugou could call her all the hurtful words she wanted. But Uraraka knew damn well she was a girl. And if things went well, hopefully Bakugou could be OK with calling herself one too.
“FUCK OFF.”
Wow. Only one knock on the door and Uraraka already received the Bakugou special.
“Don’t think you want that.” The brief gasp that Uraraka heard from inside, only loud enough for her, alerted her that Bakugou wasn’t aware of who was at the door. Not surprising Bakugou just reacts like that to anyone.
“The fuck do you want?” Door remaining closed, the more calm but louder voice inclined to Uraka that Bakugou had moved. Could be pacing inside. Uraraka had done that when she feared being outed too. A twang of sympathy came from the more experienced trans girl.
“I’m here to help you, you dink.” Keeping her voice a steady low, Uraraka checked the coast for the fourth time since arriving at the door. She definitely didn’t want anyone to get the wrong idea about why she was here. Or the right idea. Or any idea. Frankly she just wanted to make sure no-one knew she was here.
“What help would I need from some friggin’ tranny.”
“By God is she fucking testing my good graces.” Nearly twisting on a heel and leaving Bakugou to her own unhealthy coping mechanism devices, Uraraka bit down on her pride, halting herself. Gotta be calm and polite about this.
“Well for one, it’s a bit hypocritical for you to be calling me that, now isn’t it?” OK, maybe not entirely polite. But, Uraraka is only human after all.
The door finally swung open a few inches as an arm shot out and pulled Uraraka in.
Face to face with Bakugou, Uraraka couldn’t help but smile incredulously at the glaring figure in front of her. Here was someone she was practically terrified of a few months ago. And now? Now, Uraraka realized that Bakugou was basically just a jumped up brat. A highly skilled and dangerous brat, but a brat nonetheless.
“I don’t know what fucking idea you got in your dumb head. But I am not like you. I-I can’t be-”
“11 years old.”
The sudden exclamation from Uraraka caught Bakugou by surprise. The closeted girl could only stare in befuddlement at this nothing statement.
“I was 11 when I met my first trans person. Besides me. I didn’t react like you did. But I wasn’t great. Said some things I regret. Wish I could take back. But I didn’t. Still eats at me.” Bakugou’s bafflement was replaced by a quiet stare to the side. Uraraka knew she hated talking about this. Uraraka wasn’t exactly having a ball either. But it’s what they both gotta do.
“And right now, I’m going out of my way to make sure you don’t do anything else stupid that’ll eat at you when you’re smarter and older.” Using the free space between her and Bakugou, Uraraka made her way over to Katsuki’s desk and pulled out the chair. Sitting down on it, she eyed the fellow girl for a few seconds, hoping that Bakugou would get the hint to follow suit.
It took far too many moments to do so. But Bakugou sat down on her own bed, head still facing the ground.
“How do I make it go away? These…...These fucking thoughts?”
“Oh, Bakugou,” Sympathy replaced the well-meaning snark of before in Uraraka’s voice. No matter how much anger she might have for Bakugou, she wouldn’t wish what the girl just said on her worst enemy.
“You can’t. And it’s not something you should want to go away.”
“Well I do,” Turning her head up to face Uraraka, Bakugou gritted her teeth to keep back the tears. “I don’t….I don’t want this! I don’t need this in my life, fucking everything up. I’m gonna be the No.1 hero. I-I can’t fucking do that if I’m a freak-”
“Stop it.” Voice, stern as steel itself, emerged from Uraraka. “I’m here to help. But I’m not going to sit here and listen to you call yourself-call me-hateful things like that. There’s nothing wrong with being who we are.”
Silenced decided to take over for a half minute. Both of them either barren of a reply or taking time to think one up.
Then, the silence was broken.
“So? What do I do then? Throw on a dress and tell my mom and dad I’m a big old trann-” The glare from Uraraka stopped the slur Bakugou was uttering midway. “...A girl? How well do you think that’s gonna go down?”
“You don’t have to go a mile a minute. You told me-even if you didn’t want to-and that’s a lot to have done. I didn’t look this good the day after I came out.” A snort from Bakugou. “Shut up. You know I look stunning.”
“What you need to do is plan. I’m not talking about some checklist or anything like that. Cos there isn’t one. You just gotta figure out what you’re going to do. Because I can tell you, Bakugou. You can stomp on it. Bury it. Try to kill it all you want. But it’s not going away.” It was Urarka’s turn to stare at the ground now. She had her fair share of thoughts like Bakugou. Thoughts she didn’t like reliving outside of therapy.
But a sister is a sister. And they have to stick together.
Silence returned. This time, however, Uraraka knew that Bakugou wasn’t going to open up again anytime soon. She got as many winnings out of that slot machine as she was going to get.
“You get those dumb thoughts in your head again, you come to me, OK? And I’ll knock them straight to hell.”
Once again, silence was all the response Uraraka got as she made her way to the door.
“Thanks.”
“Did you say something-”
But Bakugou’s back was already turned to her. Like she thought the first time. Uraraka had got as many lucky pulls from the Bakugou Feelings Slot Machine as she was going to get. Just count her blessings for that and don’t push it.
Alone in the hall, the clock alerting Uraraka to the fact it was far past her time to hit the head, she couldn’t help fall forward and rest her against the opposite wall to the room she was just in.
“A sister’s a sister.” She repeated to herself.
“No matter how much of a pain in the ass.”