Different

April heard the whispers. They started somewhen after midnight. There were texts noises and students getting up from their places and going to talk. April wasn’t really in the mood to help Ellen deal with it. She was too busy trying not to cry in front of all these people. Then she got a text from Ezekiel.

Sterling was kidnapped. Alessandra S.’s father works at the police station and he told her that the twins and their family were there.

April had to fight everything inside her that told her to get up and run to Sterling to ask her how she was, what had happened, why. Then she got another message from another student.

Sterling’s mom crazy doppelganger kidnapped her.

And another.

There were guns and someone got shot.

April looked around at the faces of the people texting and whispering. They didn’t know what they were talking about. It was the only explanation. There was no way Sterling was here with them just a few hours ago and now all this had happened. April decided to ask the only adult here; the only one that wouldn’t mind April asking about Sterling.

“Ellen, what happened to Sterling and Blair?” April asked trying to sound casual. “There’s a lot of whispers.”

“I don’t know for sure, April, but I’m trying to get more information about it.” Ellen said. Then she looked at April and seemed to notice that she was tense. April used to be good at concealing anything that could alert people to the existence of a heart inside of her. But tonight April was drained and not knowing the truth behind all the whispers made her slip. “I’m sure she’s okay.” Ellen said taking her hand. “I noticed that she left the Lock-In a little upset and you went after her.” Ellen continued and April’s breath caught. She looked around, her first instinct was to find an exit to run before she could see the judgment in the eyes of someone she liked and respected. But then Ellen smiled. “I know you two have been more friendly towards each other lately.” That was an understatement, April thought almost amused. She would’ve been amused if she wasn’t scared of public rejection and if she wasn’t worried about Sterling. “I think you should call her. Or her sister. You’ll probably be more lucky than any of us on getting information.” Ellen said patting her shoulder softly before saying something about going check on the students that had left their sleep bags. April stared at her phone hopelessly. She knew Sterling wouldn’t answer her and Blair would be the absolute last person that would pick up a call from April after she had broken her sister’s heart. Then April had an idea. She gave it a little search and then learned how to make her ID anonymous for the receiver of the call. She called Sterling first but she didn’t pick up. She tried a couple times and nothing. Then she tried Blair. She called Blair five times before she finally picked up.

“Who’s it?” Blair asked.

“It’s April.” She said. “Don’t hang up.”

“What do you want, April? Now’s not really a good time.” Blair said and it lacked the usual rudeness that she used to direct at April.

“I just wanna know how Sterling is. I heard some whispers about her being kidnapped. I-”

“You can call her tomorrow and try talking to her.” Blair answered again tiredly and everything on the way she talked alerted April that whatever had happened had been serious.

“She wouldn’t answer me, Blair.” April said realizing that somehow, Blair still didn’t know about April deciding to end things between them.

“I don’t know. I just have to hang up.”

“Just tell me she’s fine.” April tried but Blair had already hung up.

April didn’t know what else to do so she did the last thing she wanted to do but the only that would give her some privacy. She left the school thinking about going home. She didn’t warn anyone. She just left her things there. She drove not really paying attention to anything. She knew it was irresponsible but she couldn't stop the tears from falling as she couldn’t change things to make people accept her.

She really wanted everything Sterling did. She wanted more even. Didn’t Sterling get it? April had been lying for years. There wasn’t one single person in the entire world that knew her completely. Ezekiel and Hanna B. were her friends but April never felt like real friendship. Her family only loved her because she was what they molded her to be. The school accepted her because she was rich and straight in their eyes. It would always be like this. People only accept you as long as you are what they expect you to be.

 No one knew what type music she really liked or what movies she saw when she was alone. No one knew her favorite books and how many times she had watched the same episode of a show just because she really liked it. In the very short moments she had let herself imagine telling Sterling about it; letting her know everything; April felt like that was the freedom of expression that should be inherent to all human beings. That everyone should feel like they could be what they were supposed to. April never had considered herself naïve. Not like Sterling that had just found out this essential part about herself and wanted to display it to the world not caring for how they would take it. April found it adorable; the ideals of someone that had never been hurt. Of someone that knew without a doubt that she would be loved and accepted. April didn’t have that luxury. She didn’t have a twin sister that wouldn’t just accept her but probably support and be proud and amazed by her courage. What April had was superficial friendships, a mom that liked to drink herself to oblivion and a father that was as quick to beat women as he was to point out everything he wanted April not to be.

Growing up, he had been her hero. So, like an adoring child, she had done everything to achieve every single goal he expected her to and then some more. She lived to make him proud. When she was younger, she used to think that if she became the best at everything; the best student, the best Christian, the best daughter; he wouldn’t hate her for being like she was. That belief in her father’s capacity to love didn’t last long. Soon enough she started to pay attention on what he thought about people like her and the last shred of hope was gone. So April had gotten herself used to it. She would never tell them. She would leave for college after high school and she would study and find a job that she liked and have hobbies trying to fulfil what she would never be able to. She had gotten accustomed to the idea of being alone. After all, she had been alone since forever. She wasn’t ashamed of herself nor did she think that she was sick and needed to get better. No, she had made her peace and she liked herself; at least the self that no one never got to see. But she was scared. Part of her feared that her father could react… violently if he discovered. He always had a volatile mood. That was the reason that she wanted it to be a secret she would take to the grave: she still wanted to hold on to the hope of acceptance. If she never told anyone she would never have to go through their judgement; never have to hear the hurtful words. She guessed that do this made her a coward but there was no other way for her to be.

But then Sterling had entered her life. Not entered, really, because April knew Sterling since they were small kids playing in the church. Sterling had been her best friend once even if April hadn’t been Sterling’s best friend. Blair would ever have that spot. Then Sterling gave April away and April turned her sadness into anger and the anger had never left. She hated that Sterling had broken her young heart without once apologizing and everyone seemed to just love her naturally when April had to try so hard. But then Sterling had been nice to her, really nice. She has asked about how she was handling the situation and she had been the only person to ask that. April only realized that when Sterling had asked her and she hadn’t known what to say because she hadn’t prepared for someone caring enough to ask.

But now she had broken Sterling’s heart and with it her only chance of being cared for. April didn’t go home because home didn’t feel like home and she didn’t go back to the school because it only reminded her of everything she couldn’t be. She parked her car somewhere and stayed there. Alone because that’s the way she had been for so long. Alone.

“You don’t look fine.” Blair pointed out and Sterling rolled her eyes. “You look like you’re pretending to be fine.”

“Are you coming or not?” Sterling changed the subject. She didn’t feel like debating what she was and what she was pretending to be. Blair knew that so she just jumped out of bed already going to the shower.

“Where are we going?” She asked from inside.

“I don’t know. Drive around, bounty hunt, anything.” Sterling said. She just wanted to get out of here before they came trying to talk and explain and make excuses. Sterling needed a time out before listening and forgiving. Blair was fast and not ten minutes after Sterling had woken her up, she was already ready to leave. They went downstairs and they were already in the kitchen.

“Girls, we wanted to talk to you.” Her mom said and Sterling took a deep breath.

“We’re heading out.” She answered and went to the door.

“Please, let us talk.” Her dad said making Sterling stop.

“We have a lot on our minds and we don’t feel like talking to you right now.” Blair answered. A lot had happened and Sterling was tired of lies and deceptions even if it were for her own good like their parents had done. She understood even if she was mad about it.

Why can’t people just say the truth?

April’s words echoed in Sterling’s mind. It never had seemed as right as it was right now. April was right. The lying was the worst. She thought about how scared April seemed when confronted with the idea of her parents knowing her secret. Sterling’s heart almost broke remembering her crying. April didn’t cry. Sterling had never seen her cry until that moment. To know that she was so scared made Sterling so angry and that she didn’t know to whom direct that anger. It’s not like she could hate the world for being the world or April’s parents for being them. But by God, April did. That must be why she told them. It must have been because she wanted to prove something or just because she was angry and didn’t really know how to deal with it. She also didn’t want to lie about herself either like they had been lying to her.

“Actually, we do.” Sterling said turning around and looking into her parents eyes. She heard Blair gasping when she realized what Sterling was going to do. “I decided not to follow your example about lies so I have something to tell you.”

“What?” Her mom asked looking between her and Blair.

“I like girls.” She said and her parents only looked at her without moving. She didn’t think they had understood what she meant or if they did, they probably thought they heard wrong. She decided to make it clear. “I like girls the same way I like boys. And I’m proud of who I am.”

“Yes, she’s proud.” Blair said almost making the tension on the bottom of Sterling’s stomach disappear. She was happy to have Blair. In this matter, April had been right. Blair would support her on anything. Blair was hers just like she was Blair’s. Nothing would ever change that. She looked at her sister with a thankful face and Blair nodded proud and reassuringly.

“I just wanted you to know because I won’t hide anything. Because I’ll follow my heart. To whomever it takes me.” Sterling made clear.

“Yeah, that’s right. She’ll follow her heart and her heart is in her lips and in her hands and in-” Blair started and Sterling almost choked when she realized it was the same speech she had given Blair when she had told her about April. She looked pointedly at Blair before interrupting her.

“Okay, Blair. They got it.” Sterling said and Blair smirked at her making her roll her eyes. Their parents were shocked. They didn’t say anything and Sterling didn’t want to wait for them to say something so she just turned around and left the house. Blair, in a very Blair fashion, drove the car away from the house but not before hitting the trash can and destroying part of the grass. After some seconds of driving Blair looked at her.

“Wow, We just did that. I feel the adrenalin rush inside me making my heart go crazy. Can you feel my heart going crazy?” Blair asked and Sterling nodded.

“Yes, but I think it’s my heart not yours.” Sterling said and they both laughed.

“Where do you wanna go?” Blair asked after some time and Sterling thought about it. She didn’t want to see anyone. Not yet. Bounty hunting, as comforting as it would be, wasn’t what Sterling wanted to do right now. She looked at Blair and noticed that she was biting her lips nervously.

“What is it?” Sterling asked and Blair grimaced before glancing at Sterling.

“April called me last night after we got home from the police station.” Blair said and Sterling’s eyes snapped at her.

“What did she want?” Sterling asked and Blair looked at her pained.

“Apparently there were rumors at the school about what happened and she called me to make sure she you were okay.” Blair said and Sterling took a deep breath before nodding. They drove aimlessly for a couple more of minutes before Blair talked again. “What happened between you two last night?”

“She broke up with me.” Sterling said not looking at her sister. She had already told her that but she didn't really feel like talking about it more than necessary.

“I’m going to kill her, Sterling.” Blair said and Sterling smiled weakly. “She broke your heart. That was why you got into Dana’s car to begin with. If she hadn’t-”

“Stop.” Sterling told her sister quietly. “Its not her fault, Blair.” She said and Blair scoffed. “She’s just scared. If you had seen how much fear I saw in her eyes at the mention of her dad knowing…” Sterling continued. “We both know her dad and we don’t like him. Now imagine living with him.” Sterling said trying not to imagine what she had just asked Blair to. She couldn’t, for her own sanity, picture April’s life.

“I’m sorry.” Blair whispered and Sterling nodded. After a couple of minutes, Sterling realized where they were going.

“The Fun Zone?” She asked as Blair entered the parking lot.

“I thought we could play some games since we’re not on the mood of seeing anyone.” Blair said looking at Sterling. She was right and Sterling would definitely love the idea if it weren’t for the little fact that just looking at the place made her want to cry. Blair seemed to notice it. “Oh no. The two of you came here, right?” Blair asked and Sterling nodded. “I’m sorry. I’ll just drive us elsewhere.” Blair said starting to drive them to the exit. They were about to leave the parking lot when Sterling’s eyes caught something familiar.

“Stop.” She shouted and Blair hit the brakes and looked at Sterling with wide eyes.

“What?”

“That’s April’s car.” Sterling said pointing at one of the few cars in the parking lot. Since it was Saturday, the Fun Zone opened early but Sterling didn’t think that April would be here.

“Do you want me to drive there?” Blair asked and Sterling nodded. When they were near enough to see inside the car, Sterling’s heart skipped a beat. “She’s inside.” Blair whispered weirdly. “Why is she in there?” She asked and Sterling could only shake her head. “Should we- I don’t know- go talk to her?” Blair asked again and Sterling left the car without caring to answer. She left the car and went to April’s just to find her sleeping there. She heard Blair shutting the door and joining her.

“She looks terrible.” Blair pointed out and Sterling gulped. She knocked on the window making April jump scared. She looked around confused before her eyes settled on Sterling and she opened the door.

“You’re fine.” She said as if her very existence depended on that. It would warm Sterling’s heart if the reminder of them not being able to be together wasn’t pressing against her heart like a hand squeezing it.

“You’re not.” Blair said and it was an indication to how bad April was that she only looked at Blair before looking away. Blair noticed it too because Sterling felt her defensive behavior dropping.

“I’m fine. I should go back-” April started turning around to go back to her car when Sterling held her wrist.

“April.” Sterling called noticing how April’s eyes were filling with unshed tears and how she kept looking everywhere but at Sterling or Blair.

“I can’t do this.” She whispered and Sterling looked at Blair desperate because April seemed to be in a really bad state and Sterling couldn’t possibly let her drive away like this.

“I don’t care what you can or cannot do. You just slept in a parking lot. That’s a new low, April.” Blair said and Sterling looked at her pleading her to be gentler but gentleness wasn’t Blair and she showed that she cared differently. “Let’s get in.” Blair said pointing at the building. Sterling noticed that April wanted to fight but she didn’t. She followed Blair and Sterling inside. When they found themselves a table in the little restaurant of the place, Blair did something that surprised Sterling.

“You.” She said pointing at Sterling. “Order some food for us. And you.” She then pointed at April. “You come with me because I wanna talk to you.”

“Blair.” Sterling exclaimed but Blair only gave her an unwavering look. April looked first at Sterling and then at Blair. She nodded and went ahead waiting for Blair to join her. Sterling admired that on her; the way she didn’t back down.

“What are you going to do?” Sterling asked and Blair smiled at her.

“I won’t kill her. You don’t need to be worried.” She said turning and following April inside. Sterling watched it. She wanted to talk to April herself but she couldn’t stand the pain in the other girl’s eyes. She also didn’t trust herself not to start talking without crying and just ending up adding more sadness to their already broken bond. Blair was right; Sterling had woken up just pretending to be okay. In reality she was angry and sad and frustrated and, as infuriating as it looked, she was also in love. She looked at the door her sister and April had disappeared through and sighed finally admitting what she was trying to contain: she was in love with April Stevens. She was in love with someone that would never be able to love her back. Sterling laughed bitterly. Life had decided to fuck her through and through.