VI.
The first thing she sees are green spots against black, and it takes a while for her vision to adjust in the darkness; a couple of seconds more before she sees and traces moonlight on Lisa’s skin beside her, and there’s a deep seated urge to want to reach out and trace it with her fingers, to try and see how warm her skin feels but she doesn’t. She can see Lisa’s still asleep; she breaths in a steady rhythm that Jennie finds rather entrancing. Everything comes crashing back, and it hits her bit by bit. Like slow, trickling water building up inside her. It’s unfamiliar, how detached she feels from everything else except for that feeling, like she’s there but not really there and the heaviness that she’d come to familiarize herself with was giving her new sensations that made the room stuffy. She glances back at Lisa and tries to find anything that could pull her from drowning. Warmth, comfort, anything at this point to get it to stop. Lisa almost stirs, breath hitching before it steadies back into the same steady rhythm. Jennie almost reaches out and buries herself into her warmth. She turns away briefly, forcing to close her eyes and maybe, that way, she’d get to go back to sleep again.
It’s so odd. The feeling of opening her eyes and feeling her right by. She feels worse gathering that it’s because Lisa feels responsible or maybe guilty, that’s why she’s taking care of her right now; anything but in love. She wants to use the moment to really look at her, to admire her face from up close after a long while. It makes her cry. Everything makes her cry lately.
She silently moves toward her for a better view. Lisa’s looking away even in her sleep. How ironic. The silver moonlight seeping through the window frame reflects on her jawline and it’s heartbreaking to see her in all her glory like that. And be helpless.
I won’t tell you how weak you make me feel. Won’t tell you how much you mean to me… I will not tell you I love you, Lisa. After everything we haven’t told each other, my feelings are redundant... I won’t whine. Won’t complain. I won’t insist on anything. I won’t force you to stay even if your going means you’re taking my life away with you. I won’t ask to give it back; I’ll at least have something mine with you. It’ll make me feel connected. I won’t tell you you’ve dug a hole in my heart. Won’t make you feel guilty. Because you aren’t. And it honestly hurts deeper than it would have, if you were. I’ll make this easy for us— for you. Won’t tell you I wrote letters for you for when we’re old and retired. Won’t tell you I wanted to raise kids with you. I won’t. I promise.
Her hands are trembling but she’s thinking, “I got this.” She leans on further, knowing how to do this as she knows her name is Jennie Kim. Knows what angle won’t wake her up, so she goes for it gently, as if she’s holding glass. And she stops time for a moment and stays there, with her lips ghosting under Lisa’s ear for one last time; lingers, commits to memory. And she lets go.
Something in the night violates the rules of silence, and her plans crash the moment she finds herself hitching from no air. As loud to wake her up.
“Jen?” It’s dark all around and only the contour of her startled body and the shadow of it on the wall across are visible in it. She prays to all gods that Lisa doesn’t think of turning on the nightlight. But the gods aren’t on her side recently. Who is she kidding, they haven’t been listening for a very long time now. Especially tonight, since the light comes on before she manages to finish her desperate prayer.
“Oh my god, what’s wrong?” Her hands find Jennie’s face and it’s as if fire touching ice.
“Is this sweat or tears? Oh my goodness, you’re shivering Jennie, say something.”
“I feel sick.” She really does.
“Of course you do… after everything— I’m calling Doc—”
“No need.”
“What, are you insane? Look at your face! I’m ca—”
“No, Lisa, we just came back from there, didn’t we. They said I was gonna be fine. Don’t worry, it’ll go away.”
“What if—”
“It’s fine really. I promise.”
“Are you— sure?” She nods persistently, although that makes her head swim real bad. She wants to scream, “Can you hold me? For one last time?” Yet she doesn’t.
“Come here.” Lisa offers her arms, and gods are being utterly cruel to her tonight, and she could be screwed but she’ll take it. How can she not.
With time, she manages to calm her nerves and stop sobbing and shivering in Lisa’s embrace.
It’s as if after a year-long slumber when her eyelids give in to light that morning. She really hopes when she fully opens her eyes and looks Lisa’s way, she won’t be there. It’ll make things easier. She’s never been there for she doesn’t even remember how long in the mornings. So she won’t feel bad or anything. It’ll be the easy she’d planned for. Except Lisa’s right there, and already awake, so she has nowhere to run.
“How’re you feeling?”
“Better.”
“Tell me the truth.” This catches her off guard really. She’s about to start stuttering—
“You have a heavy breath, I can see that, you know?”
“My head hurts a bit. And I feel heavy in general. But I’m better really.”
“Take the pill.” She eyes the nightstand. “You think you can shower too?”
“Yeah, that’s… that’ll be refreshing.”
“Okay. I’ll be downstairs.”
“Lisa?”
“Yeah? You need anything?”
“It’s Wednesday today.”
“And?”
“You have work.”
“Not today.”
She breathes in to say something but Lisa doesn’t let her.
“Go shower, yeah? Be careful. Shout, if anything.”
Lisa lays out the cutlery on the table and centers the bowl of avocado rice and pollack roe between them. It takes lots of glancing at the door and rearranging of the fork on her side of the table before Jennie comes in with her hair still wet.
“You’ve— cooked ?” Jennie’s a bit taken aback, her mouth going a perfect circle while she breathes out a soft oh.
“Why so surprised…” she smiles. “I cook well, don’t I? Not as good, but I think this is edible. I tried a very good recipe, so I have faith in it.”
Jennie looks at the laid out table, then back at her, then at the table, and doesn’t know what to say.
“Come sit?”
The food turns out great, and somewhere between taking the last bites off of it and Lisa’s extra serving landing on her plate again while she also takes care of stopping any potential objections, Jennie’s illusions come flooding back. She’s weak after all. Maybe this is how it’ll turn to the better? Maybe she was foolish to give up. Maybe everything works out and the wound in her heart heals with no scars…
Lisa doesn’t leave the house that day and they end it with a funny movie.
Jennie wakes up on the couch, wrapped away in a blanket the next morning, and it feels like she could finally sleep without interruptions. Lisa left a text that Seungcheol called and she had to leave for the office. She added she’d try to be early today. It feels nice to have a note from her. So she opts for the leftovers from yesterday and kills time with a book or two.
Lisa comes home later than expected but it’s not as late as the times before, so Jennie’s feeling okay about it. Lisa on the other hand feels rather disturbed and in her head, and she seems not to be able to make much eye contact? Jennie suggests that they repeat the movie night from yesterday to dispel the heavy atmosphere.
At some point through the movie, Jennie feels Lisa staring at her and she glances down to meet her gaze that feels heavy. She’s distracted by the bluish hues that seem to have enveloped them both. It’s when Lisa reaches up to cup her chin that she realizes her eyes are darker and the same heavy look that seemed to drape over her skin is still there. Jennie’s absolutely startled to say the least. They haven’t done anything like that for… ages? Lisa looks at her hands then into her eyes for a brief millisecond and then she kisses her neck, the sensitive skin right under her jawline that sends a shiver down her back. It starts slow, like she’s learning how to touch her all over again, but Jennie is ready to give her all the time. Lisa bites into the flesh, before pulling away and kissing the same spot, making it burn. She pulls away, looking into Jennie’s eyes “I’m sorry,” before she’ll leave a small kiss on her cheek.
“What for?” Jennie interrupts.
“For being late today.” She points out, leaning in to plant a soft kiss on her lips that feels hesitant.
Jennie’s feeling weak in the knees, that’s all she chooses to focus on. Except this doesn’t seem right at all, doesn’t feel right. She’s been trying her damnedest to push the memory of the bar far back into the recesses of her brain since yesterday but Lisa’s kiss right now snatches it back from oblivion and makes her deal with it. She knows she has to, at some point, and it better be now than later, when she’s gotten used to this , too. So she gently pulls away, her hand on Lisa’s heart.
Lisa didn’t expect this so she has a look of confusion imprinted on her face, while she’s still leaning in, as if ignoring Jennie’s gesture.
“Hey, wait up.”
“Mmm?”
“We have to talk, Lisa.” With this, Lisa’s thrown back into reality herself, and she just goes back to avoiding her eyes and just looking at her hands instead.
“What is this?”
“What?” she looks to the side.
“This. This whole thing, Li” Words seem too loud, she’s whispering. Lisa won’t look at her, so she tries better.
“Why are you feeling guilty?” This forces Lisa to look up and divert her gaze again in a second, like a broken magnet. She only manages to sigh.
“Why, Lisa. Talk to me now, yeah?”
“Because I… am?” It sounds more like a question but that’s just because her voice has lost its stability, and not because she’s doubting it.
“What are you feeling guilty about?”
“You don’t even drink during wedding ceremonies.”
“That’s your biggest concern? A drink wouldn’t have killed me, Lisa, you shouldn’t beat yourself against walls for it..”
“You had cooked an Everest of cookies that would feel all hospitals of this city the other day… And you’re not going to work, and you haven’t been meeting your therapist, and—”
“Stop it, Lisa.”
“And you stop pretending.” She mumbles under her nose.
“No, you stop pretending.” Lisa doesn’t have anything to add to that.
“I wanna know what’s going on.”
She doesn’t say anything.
“It didn’t feel like anything. Your kiss. Not back at the bar and not a minute ago, Lisa. Why’d you even kiss me?”
Lisa’s face scrunches, eyes glossing over with a tinge of hurt. Jennie can’t keep still anymore, she sprints from the couch and starts pacing around like a cat. This makes Lisa get up too but she leans onto the armchair for balance.
“What’s going on?! I don’t know, is there someone else?”
“Have you gone mad?”
“No just tell me right? I’ll understand if there is, I really will. I just need you to tell me. Just tell me, okay? I really will—”
“It’s not that.” Her voice drops.
“Then what is it, Lisa? Tell me! This is actually driving me crazy, what is it!”
“It’s just— Arghhh.”
“Look at me.” She steps closer, trapping Lisa with the move. Lisa stands to face her.
Lisa nods slowly, mouth opening to try and talk but resorting to closing it again.
“What is it, Lisa. You know it’s time. Just tell me yeah? Please.” She’s whispering again.
“It’s—” Jennie nods along urging her to continue.
“It’s— I just don’t feel it anymore.” Lisa bites into her bottom lip, trying to keep herself from crying but it leaks out eventually, her grip on the back of the couch a little too hard.
And that’s it for Jennie. The big fat full stop at the end of her story; incarnate in Lisa’s words. Her shoulders drop and something changes in her brain. Her ears get clogged with static, too.
“I don’t know where it disappeared. I just— I really don’t know. I still care about you a lot, Jennie, and I want you to be healthy?” Her voice breaks again, her face along with it, “...and happy. But I can’t seem to give you that happiness. Not anymore. I didn’t wanna hurt you. I’m so… sorry.”
Jennie hasn’t been listening for quite awhile now. All she hears is the piercing static puncturing her ears right now.
“I’m so sorry this happened… I’ve been hating myself about it but it just doesn’t seem to be there anymore? My days have lost their spark and everything is boring and mundane and dull, every other day seems to be a repetition of the previous one, it’s like a swamp, and I don’t want you to feel the same way anym— Jennie?”
“Okay. Okay. Okay” She seems to be in some sort of trance, her gaze high up on the empty upper corner of the wall.
“Please.” Lisa herself doesn’t know what she’s asking for.
“I’ll just—” She storms out of the house. The door thuds closed with finality that leaves Lisa unmoving. She doesn’t know what to do inside four foreign walls closing in on her right now.