II. Drowning in Silence
The sighs built up at the end of my words
They’re shouting at me
That your heart isn’t here right now
https://youtu.be/37GkANTikEw
Her voice barely registers in the dark, it’s low– almost like a hum. “Work’s fine… it’s” Jennie sees her eyes flutter over to an empty space on the wall, as if it's the most interesting thing she’d seen today, “it’s the same as always. Nothing really new.”
Jennie doesn’t answer, nodding along to show she hears her.
The kitchen is dark, and it makes everything a little more bearable. She can’t really remember how long she’d been waiting; at some point in the evening she knew she turned off the lights. Darkness has always had that uncanny way of drowning out the silence inside their house, and Jennie almost sighs at the thought that there has been a lot of that lately. Silence.
“I told you I was running a little late.” Lisa tries again, pouring herself another drink and leaning against the kitchen counter. There’s something calculating in the way she swirls the alcohol in her glass, her words come out even and for a brief second it feels almost like an accusation. “I texted you at around five.”
Jennie winces inwardly as Lisa takes a long sip off of the brandy. Letting the glass linger a little longer against her lips as she steals a glance at Jennie. Her gaze is unsteady, and it makes Jennie smile out of a need to respond.
“Yeah, I just…” Her voice starts out firm, like she’d spent hours practicing what to say and yet she hates how it trails off. It’s instinctual how her eyes dart to look at the floor, somehow she’d taken a liking for watching how deep the nails were buried into the oakwood. “I thought it wouldn’t be this late.” It was almost a whisper, nothing but a breath of air she’d been keeping inside her all evening but the message was clear. “Have you had dinner?” her voice picks up as she smiles, this time she looks away and fumbles with the cutlery laid out on the table between them.
Put your head on my shoulder
Hold me in your arms, baby
She hears traces of the song she put on in the living room earlier that night, pieces of music drifting in and she tries to concentrate on that instead of the subtle sigh she hears from Lisa as she places her glass on the counter gracefully.
Squeeze me oh-so-tight
Show me that you love me too
“I ate, yeah.”
Jennie stops and looks at her from where she’s sitting. The shadows on her face make it difficult for Jennie to see, to draw out her features and trace where her nose dips and her bottom lip juts, and where one corner of her lips starts and where the other corner ends. She takes a painful intake of breath to steady the slow building panic in her chest that she’d been trying to ignore all night.
Jennie doesn’t say anything in return. Lisa’s brief hesitance and downcast eyes say it all. Sometimes she wishes she didn’t know her too well, didn’t understand what the quick smile right after was trying to hide, and the impatient ticks her fingers were casually drumming on the countertop. The silence fills Jennie’s ears and it’s thick and heavy, only cut through by the muted music that drawls on from the other room.
Put your lips next to mine, dear
Won't you kiss me once, baby
“Have you?”
The question makes Jennie smile at nothing in particular. “No.”
“I can… stay for a bit while you eat.”
She shakes her head in response, slow and deliberate. Not bothering to cover up the lopsided way her smile falters into something that’s skewed. She feels even more tired and sinks further into the seat.
Lisa nods, biting into her bottom lip. Jennie can’t see well but she knows Lisa’s thinking of something else to say so she cuts in instead; to keep them both from drifting away too much. “I’ll heat them up tomorrow and maybe we can have the steaks for breakfast?”
“Yeah, yeah I’d love that.” She answers hastily, it makes Jennie think that she’s trying to chase away the thoughts that are working their way inside Jennie’s head. “Let’s have breakfast together tomorrow.” Lisa smiles, partly at Jennie but mostly for herself. Drowning out the high pitch squeak that gives her lie away.
Just a kiss goodnight, maybe
You and I will fall in love
Lisa runs her hands through her hair, and it brings a fleeting smile on Jennie’s own face. Both feel a little too automatic, a little practiced that Jennie doesn’t even bother to say yes back. Doesn’t even bother to meet her gaze. She thinks it’s irrational of her to try and look for something she’s sure isn’t there, hoping it comes back. Even if it’s just for tonight.
“Hey…” Jennie hears her shuffle closer, her steps heavy on the floor. “I’m…”
“Hmm?”
She keeps her gaze on Lisa’s hands that are gripping the top rail of the chair a little too forcefully, her voice taking on a firm lilt. “I’ll be staying at work for a couple more hours tomorrow.”
It’s gradual, Jennie doesn’t even remember when it all started. It’s not like what they say, not even the least bit close. She doesn’t wake up to it all on her face one morning; it was the lack of smiles one morning, the lack of conversation before bed a couple of weeks after, and now she figures it’s more time at work and less time at home.
“I’ll probably grab a quick dinner with Chaeyoung,” It’s the way she says it. Slow and steady, trying to get her point across. It’s when she doesn’t get a response back from Jennie that she sighs and speaks more firmly. “Don’t bother with dinner, okay?”
“What time…”
“It’s going to take most of the night for me to finish up with that stupid project, I mean it Jen-Jen… don’t wait up for me.”
Put your head on my shoulder
Whisper in my ear, baby
Lisa lets go, and takes a step back. Jennie’s name sticks rather uncomfortably in the air between them.
“Figured you’d want me to get to bed without waiting for you too?” Jennie can’t avoid the spite that leaks out.
Lisa takes her time, looking at her with an unseeming look of hurt that momentarily settles in her eyes before she looks away and nods.
“That much of work huh?”
The long, drawn out sigh that comes out of Lisa was enough of an answer, and she knows she should stop pushing by now. It never really ends on a good note anyways.
“Fine.” she stops there. Not bothering to push Lisa with it. Jennie’s tired, too.
“You should get some sleep.” Lisa sneaks a glance and motions towards the direction of their bedroom, “I’ll uhh… freshen up and be right there.”
Jennie takes her time to push herself away from the table, “Yeah. Sure.” She tries to meet Lisa’s gaze but it’s not there so she lingers a bit to take in her tired frame and the dull way her hair looked tonight from the reflection she sees on their kitchen window. “Don’t take too long.” She manages to say without whimpering. “I won’t be sleeping until you come. Not tonight, at least.”
Lisa nods once.
Jennie smiles at her own reflection, waiting a beat before walking away, knowing Lisa won’t look back.
Words I want to hear
Tell me, tell me that you love me too
She’d been reading the same line over and over, deciding it’s best to keep herself busy while waiting. Even if she doesn’t comprehend a single thing off of the book, and the strain on her eyes from trying to make an effort out of it under dim lights. Jennie hears the light footsteps first before everything else and sees the light shivers that make her sit up straighter against the headboard.
“You’re shivering.” she says softly, careful not to scare her away.
“Yeah.” She has a towel wrapped around her hair, drying it out and being careful not to let it drip on the carpet. “The water went cold the last few minutes.” The answer comes out a little too tight, her teeth chattering.
“Shit. Must have been the boiler again.” Jennie tries not to sound accusatory in tone, throwing the book into the covers somewhere to jolt up from bed and make a step forward. “You should've called me.” Her voice drops, hand reaching out instinctively to run across Lisa’s arms to warm her.
Lisa doesn’t budge, allowing Jennie to run her hands up and down the length of her arms. She looks away, eyes darting from one end of the bedroom to the other, jaw clenched. She gently pulls away by taking a step back.
“I need to dry this mess.” She gives Jennie an apologetic smile that doesn’t quite reach her eyes.
“Let me…” Jennie takes a step forward to reach out but Lisa shakes her head.
“I got it.”
"You were working till late. I was home all day. Let me."
Lisa looks back at her briefly, a quick glance before Jennie works on massaging the towel on her hair to help it dry. There's something covert in her smile, falling away awkward and hollow. For a moment, it feels rather forced. Jennie tries to brush it off as hesitance at the sudden warmth between them, even if it sets most of the alarms inside her head ringing.
Her fingers work slowly, combing out the tangles in Lisa’s hair. A contented sigh comes out of Lisa's lips and she works her way up to massage Lisa’s scalp, running her fingers carefully again and again. The smell of Lisa’s shampoo fills in her lungs, and it's all too much at once that she breaks her gaze away from her hair and settles it on the vanity mirror. Watching Lisa close her eyes, tilt her head closer. She takes her time watching, as the expression on Lisa’s face changes slightly to that of muted amusement, a hint of a contented smile on her face before she opens her eyes and meets Jennie’s gaze on the mirror. And it's there that Jennie's smile falters.
It's funny how subtle Lisa averts her gaze and how Jennie catches on, and she's trying to keep up with something that's moving farther and farther.
"Let's go to bed, I need to get up early."
It's clipped, designed to make her nod in agreement. Who was she kidding, it's to make her stop.
She keeps the disappointment to herself, nodding along because she knows Lisa has a point and who was she to keep her there. She trails a finger on Lisa's shoulder, hiding behind a mask she'd perfected, pulling on Lisa's arms towards the direction of their bed.
She had always been practical. Even in moments like these, she likes to think it's practicality that's pushing her to lean against Lisa's warmth. And it's the same practicality that's keeping her there, undone and listless. Bundling up closer, fingers doing their muscle memory, fleeting over warm skin that's peeking under Lisa's shirt.
"Goodnight."
It's whispered in one breath and it hangs above her head.
"Goodnight Lisa." She moves to plant a quick kiss on Lisa's cheek and gets a small smile in return. Jennie doesn't think about how there's not enough warmth with so little distance between them.
It takes a while for the silence to settle. Jennie keeps still, face buried in the crook of Lisa's neck where she feels safest. There's the urge to draw circles and shapes, to play with the warm skin that's inviting under her touch, but she doesn't. Opting to listen to Lisa's breathing. It's slow and heavy. Measured in a way that's lulling her to sleep.
She feels the bed sink, and it doesn't really register at first. Lisa's touch feels heavy on her wrist, burning even; leaving her confused when her hand is shrugged away softly. It's gentle and not at the same time. She feels the knot in the bottom of her gut tighten the moment she hears it. Deep and heavy, like she's holding on to it for so long. Jennie doesn't hear anything else, only the sigh that grows tired the more it’s let out, the stillness that she's growing to hate, and the growing screams inside her head wishing she didn't look closely.
Lisa hates how intrusive the silence can get at night. How disturbingly deafening it can be, broken into a silly pattern punctuated with breathing. She keeps still, not having the heart to push her away when she's snuggled in so close. It's… weird how it's beginning to grow uncomfortable, gradually. Having her close like this. Lisa listens for a bit, waiting for her breaths to even out and soften into sleep. It's when she's sure, that she carefully detaches herself from Jennie's embrace. It isn't enough but there's a hint of space between them that makes her breathe. She draws out the exhaustion inside her, and for a second the sigh that comes out feels foreign and intimate at the same time. She's careful not to stir, taking in another deep breath and letting it out slowly. Allowing it to take the weariness that’s been seeping in in every part of her to leak out and after staring at the ceiling blankly for what seems to be ages, she closes her eyes momentarily. Why? Is all she'll allow to ask herself.