Week One
MONDAY:
I wasn't really prepared for how we got here - that's a lie. Multiple years of random dysphoria, doctors appointments, therapy and finally a supported decision.
Lio sat next to me incredibly apprehensive as I pulled the plunger to fill the needle with the prescribed amount of testosterone. I was going the low dose route and was on .15mg per shot. It was weird, I never thought I'd be giving myself shots and while there was a little fear it was definitely overshadowed by excitement for whatever would happen. Once there were no more air bubbles in the syringe I managed to calm myself with one more breath before pinching the skin on my stomach and plunging the 18g needle into my stomach. It felt like a piercing where I didn't get to keep any sort of metal in my body. It wasn't pleasant but wasn't terrible either. By the time I pulled the needle out of my stomach I was calm and able to put a bandaid on and clean up.
It was exciting sure, but definitely less of an entangling action than I had originally anticipated. Lio had been sitting next to me, wincing in shared imaginary pain and full of support. He had been encouraging since the night we laid in bed and I cried as I shared my feelings and fears. At no point was there an opinion on my body or existence one way or another and I have never felt so supported and loved. I don't know that I would've been able to do this today without his support. I wonder what happens next.
TUESDAY:
Nothing particularly exciting but I'm definitely feeling a spike in my libido. A big fear of mine is having what I've seen called "Bottom Growth". So many forums shout at me in all caps, "YOU'LL GROW A MINI-DICK", some saying within a couple days. I had spent all day so nervous, the possibility hadn't felt so real before I took the shot. The thing is I don't want a dick, I just want to re-situate my existence a little bit, you know? Lio was sitting at his desk drawing and off in lala land when I brought up very suddenly the fear.
Lio looked at me like I shouldn't be surprised and noted that he had already planned for this and done his own reading. It didn't matter what growth happened, and hell, maybe with any growth there will be some gained sensation. It's true, I hadn't thought about it that way. An unfortunate accident as a child left me with some sensation loss and he was excited for the potential at some new doors in our sex life. I started crying pretty hard, definitely wasn't ready for that level of support. He's such an amazing partner.
WEDNESDAY:
Uneventful. It was a day. Work at the station was stressful, fires to put out as usual, but I was able to snuggle up with Lio after work.
THURSDAY:
I had a bit of an emotional break. Not really sure why I got so stressed or upset but the world was ending. Lio worked through it with me but I have no idea why I feel so crazy. Lio suggested that maybe the T was causing some moodswings (mind you in a very supportive way) and I considered it as a possibility. The fight itself was for valid issues that needed address but definitely did not need to be a whole event. Lio and I promised to work on more open communication.
FRIDAY:
CVS texted me and told me I had something to pick up but I wasn't sure what. Along with the issue of yesterday, I reached out to my doctor. Here's what I learned:
1. CVS is a bunch of cunts
2. CVS did not tell me I was waiting for a 4th script to be filled
3. That 4th script was 25g needles that were SIGNIFICANTLY smaller than what I injected with
4. I gave myself the wrong type of injection
When you take T there are two different ways that you can inject it if you are going that route. There's Subcutaneous also known as "Sub-G" or there is Intramuscular. Intramuscular is where you use the bigger needle and inject directly into the muscle. Sub-G is right under the skin and disperses slower. The key difference for me - the reason I chose to do Sub-G - was because Intramuscular has reports of feelings similar to highs and then a crash. With my already chronic depression and anxiety, I didn't want to deal with any "crashing". However, as I was not given the right needle nor instructed on the exact gauge I would need for either, I inadvertently gave myself an Intramuscular shot in my FUCKING STOMACH. At least I have an explanation for the intensity yesterday but god damn...I went to get my new needles at least so Monday I won't have the same issue next week - fingers crossed!
SATURDAY:
Picked up my new needles, showed anyone and everyone who would look how different the sizes were. I feel more committed to the process now because I was already ready to continue sticking the 18g needle in my stomach for the foreseeable future. The 7g size difference just made it easier. Lio was angry for me after seeing the big difference but was still supportive and very comforting about the emotional break on Thursday. How could I have gotten so lucky?
SUNDAY:
Today was a day. I was off, a little sad but nothing really stuck out. Next week I hope to write more or have more to document but I guess we'll see!