Chapter 1
Unknown Number:
I still have your mango vape
Arthur:
i have never owned a mango vape
Unknown Number:
I am not a cop
Arthur:
that feels like something a cop would say
also. again. who are you. i do not have said mango vape
Unknown Number:
That’s because I have it. you left it. It misses you. It’s crying.
Arthur:
is it crying mango tears. that’s kind of beautiful
Unknown Number:
Yes. They taste like betrayal and heartache
Arthur:
what does betrayal and heartache taste like
Mango vape guy??:
Gimme a sec I’ll tell you
Mango
Arthur:
im blocking you
Mango vape guy??:
No please I’m shy
Arthur:
you’re texting me first and you’re shy??
also what does being shy have to do with me blocking you
Mango vape guy??:
I’m reaching out man this is a big moment for me
Don’t give me trauma
Arthur:
you’re literally giving me trauma this is the most brain rot conversation of my life
okay here are the facts
Mango vape guy??:
I’m ready
Arthur:
shut up
1. you’re shy
2. you have someone’s mango vape
3. that person is not me
4. i do not own said mango vape
5. you need to stop texting me
Mango vape guy??:
I like lists this is fun
When I read my STI test it was so satisfying to see the results lined up all nice
Arthur:
is that because they all said positive
Mango vape guy??:
They said legend actually. Kept going on about how I was piping major puss
Arthur:
who is this
Mango vape guy??:
Wouldn’t you like to know, mango boy
Arthur:
im blocking you now
Arthur doesn’t. He rolls over on his side, sets his seven alarms, and goes the fuck to sleep.
And then, at 3am, he gets four notifications.
Unknown Number:
Haha you didn’t block me
Come get your man and your vape in that order
The man is me by the way
We should bang
Arthur rolls his eyes and turns back over.
“This guy won’t shut the fuck up about somebody else’s mango vape,” Arthur mumbles into his cereal bowl in the morning. “And banging me.”
Chris looks up from the other end of the kitchen table, spoon halfway to his mouth. “Wait. Is this the weirdo you were messaging me about last night? Why are you still texting him?”
“I’m not texting him,” Arthur says. “He’s texting me. Aggressively. At three in the morning.”
“Sounds like a catch. What's he saying now?”
Arthur sighs and checks his phone. “Uhh– you can’t ghost me, you’re addicted to me.”
Chris snorts. “Does he know you don’t vape? You’re already so dramatically allergic to cardio, I think your lungs would crumble if you took a hit of something.”
“Thank you, as always, for your continued support and friendship.”
“Just saying! It's a good thing you don't vape, like me. We're nice and healthy.”
Chris doesn't know that Arthur does, in fact, regularly vape. His favourite flavour is strawberry kiwifruit, and he gets borderline ravenous for a hit when he's drunk.
He's only hiding it from Chris because Chris acts like a parent when it comes to his health. Bach gave up on hiding it from Chris when they did a pub golf and Chris saw him hit one through his shirt sleeve like a fucking teenager. Idiot.
So yes, he does vape, but no, he's not telling Chris. And he’s not telling the weirdo that because that'd make him even more convinced it was his vape.
Mango vape guy??:
Are you going to the stein tonight
Arthur:
what
Mango vape guy??:
Are you going to the stein tonight
Arthur:
i heard you the first time idiot
im asking what youre talking about
Mango vape guy??:
The stein !! :)
Arthur:
why are you like this
Mango vape guy??:
Are you attending the pub crawl slash stein that engineering is hosting tonight
Arthur:
no
Mango vape guy??:
But I could see you and give your vape back
Arthur:
how did you even get my number in the first place
Mango vape guy??:
You gave it to me
Arthur:
liar
i don’t know you
Mango vape guy??:
I wouldn’t lie to you
And you do know me
Arthur:
wait
how do you know i do engineering
Mango vape guy??:
You sound like you’ve given up on human connection
I took an educated guess
Arthur:
holy shit we actually know each other
Mango vape guy??:
It was just an educated guess
“Do you wanna go to that engineering stein tonight?” Arthur asks, looking up from his phone.
“Isn’t it fantasy themed? Sounds kind of lame.”
“I know some people who are going. We could just go.”
Arthur does actually know people who are going to the thing. And maybe, maybe he told them he had plans because he hates the idea of dressing up to drink in public.
But he’s gonna go now.
If it means he can corner this mango vape guy and beat the shit out of him for waking him up last night.