.
"Home safe?” Christen questions by way of an official greeting when she answers her phone.
Tobin smiles widely, “Yeah,” she replies, tossing her keys on the side table near the door. Even though Christen is a mile away at her own apartment, Tobin feels like she’s right here with her. Except, if she was, she’d be hugging and kissing her right now. As much as Tobin wants to ask her to come over or if she could see her, she knows Christen is deep in her project and should be focused on that. This is the same project Christen was involved with when they first met a little over two years ago. It’s a small comfort, but Tobin knows they’ll see each other soon.
“What are you doing after two o’clock tomorrow?” Christen questions quietly and Tobin is slightly surprised by the request. She can hear the fatigue in Christen’s voice. She’s been spending many hours either at her computer or the Boeing office making sure the pieces of whatever she’s been assigned to are functional. The fact that a near thirty month project is finally nearing completion in a week has had Christen even more stressed than usual.
“Hanging out with you if you’re offering,” Tobin smiles, moving deeper into her condo, flicking on lights and heading to the kitchen.
Christen sighs, “I was hoping you would say that,” she says tiredly, “I will be so happy when this project is off my desk,”
Tobin is smart enough to not agree too quickly, she doesn’t want to make Christen feel more guilty about the lack of time together they feel lately. “I know you do,” she comments instead.
There’s a pause.
“Honey?” Christen’s voice is unusually small and needy, “I know you’re beat, but do you think you could come over? I mean, I know I’ll pass out soon, but I’d really like to see you and kiss you and sleep in your arms,”
Tobin looks at her watch, “Have you eaten dinner?” she questions, “I can pick up something on the way,”
“I, uh, no,” Christen replies, “I mean, I haven’t eaten,” she says, uncharacteristically disjointed.
“I’ll see you soon,” Tobin promises, “love you,”
“I love you, too,” Christen replies heartfully and they end the call.
-----
Tobin greatly respects Christen’s career and has learned just how devoted the woman is to it. She’s still on the same project she was assigned when they first met- and that was two and a half years ago. It’s a project for a satellite and she doesn’t know any real details because it’s classified until Christen is allowed to speak about it. The only thing Tobin asked was if it was cool or something military. Christen assured her it was cool and she avoided any type of military projects.
Christen’s passion for her job is similar to Tobin’s commitment to soccer- unwavering. It’s been a little bit of a tough pill to swallow since all she wants to do is be with her. Spontaneity isn’t Christen’s strong suit and it makes her anxious when things are sprung on her. She doesn’t like surprises and she researches each restaurant they visit so she has an idea of the menu beforehand. Tobin learned fairly quickly when they first started dating that dropping by her place was discouraged, even though Chris was always happy to see her. Tobin could see how her eyes would dart to a small stack of mail on the kitchen counter or how the pillows on the couch were haphazard and then blanket crumpled on a couch cushion or how she fiddled with her shirt. Tobin saw how Christen’s need for order was extremely important and when she didn’t have control or prior knowledge of events or dining choices or whatever, she would grow anxious.
From then on, Tobin would call ahead if she wanted to drop something off, she would send a link to a restaurant for her to consider. She began creating a list of places in the city to visit and eat and concerts or bands in bars to consider attending. She smiles when she thinks of how she introduced the idea of the excel document she was ready to send her. It was after six weeks of dating and Chris was over at her condo. They were sitting on Tobin’s couch, having just finished watching a movie. Tobin would be leaving in ten days for another camp and a pair of friendlies in the warm up for the Olympics in Rio.
“So hey,” Tobin says as she clicks the remote, “I want to show you something,” she gives Christen a small grin, “Let me get my laptop and I’ll be right back,”
“Sure,” Chris agrees, standing with her, “I’m gonna go pee and I’ll be right back,”
Tobin nods, happy that her delivery didn’t alarm her. She’s on the couch before Christen returns, smiling at her as she sits down next to her.
“So, I was thinking,” Tobin begins, seeing Christen chuckle.
“That could be dangerous!” The dark haired beauty quips and laughs, snuggling closer to her, “Go on,” she nods encouragingly.
“I know how crazy both of our schedules are,” Tobin states evenly, “and I know how you like to plan everything as much as possible,” she says it factually, evenly, not being facetious or rolling her eyes or teasing or anything. She sees Christen realizes she’s being serious and she straightens up next to her, half facing her and looking at her intently.
“I thought we could try having a shared calendar,” Tobin proposes, “we can add to it so we both have one place to look and see what’s going on,” she says. She shrugs, “Honestly, I have a hard time keeping track of myself sometimes.”
Christen gives her a half smile, feeling guilt rising up for her behavior. “I like that idea,” she admits, “but you aren’t doing because of how I acted last week when you stopped by, are you?”
Tobin swallows, suddenly feeling nervous. “Well,” she swallows again, “kinda.”
Christen’s face falls slightly, sadness passing through her eyes.
Tobin shifts to face her, taking a moment to pray she can express her feelings to her properly, “I know you like things a certain way,” she begins slowly, “and I know you get stressed with surprises, like my unexpected visit,” she smiles as she shrugs, “so, now I text you first and that’s cool. I’m fine with it, honest.” She shakes her head vigorously to emphasize her feelings. “So, I thought we could do this,” she gestures to her laptop that’s closed and balanced on her thighs. “I thought maybe we could use it for date nights and stuff.” She pauses to try and read Christen’s expression. “Can I show you?” she asks carefully.
“Sure,” Christen nods, feeling uncertain and guilty that she made Tobin feel bad.
Tobin flips open the computer and waits a moment for it to warm up, then she navigates to the spreadsheet. “This page is my schedule for the Thorns and National Team. I’ve got this week’s practice schedule, that media event I have to do and stuff like that. I can just import my schedule onto here to add to it. I thought maybe you would add your schedule here too,”
She clicks on another tab, “So, since you’re pretty new to Portland, this is like, a list of things we maybe could do. I made columns, see? Name, address, what I think is cool about it, the website for it, if there is one. There are bands to check out, places to eat, museums, and some events coming up that might be cool. I thought we could both add to it when we think of something, like just use this as a running list.”
Christen leans in to peer at the screen. She hums and nods her head slowly.
“And here,” Tobin points at the screen, “in this column we could write in if we liked it and would want to go back,” she says, quirking her mouth and beginning to feel like this was a stupid idea, “you know, like for restaurants,” she finishes lamely.
“Can I see?” Christen asks quietly, looking at her softly. Wordlessly, Tobin hands over the laptop. She bites her lower lip as she watches Christen scroll down the list. Christen is sucking in her cheeks as her eyes scan the list. She slowly closes the laptop and moves it to the coffee table. She turns to look at Tobin, who is now really nervous. I fucked up, Tobin thinks miserably.
“Tobin,” Chris says quietly, “this is something else.”
Something else, Tobin repeats in her head, something good or something like I’m an asshole for doing it, she wonders.
“I know I kind of mentioned that I sometimes get anxious,” Chris states, “but I never really told you the whole story. I have anxiety and some OCD tendencies.”
“Okay,” Tobin nods, “I kind of figured that out,” she nods again, giving her a hopeful small smile. Christen sees the uncertainty in her warm brown eyes, she can sense Tobin’s nerves about having this conversation.
Christen scoots closer and finds Tobin’s hand, holding it loosely in her own, “You’re really sweet, you know?” She smiles at her, “Not everyone would just like,” she shrugs, “accept how I am and deal with it like this. Most of the women I’ve dated in the past try to fix me, like they think if they keep doing the things that make me anxious, I’ll suddenly be healed or something.”
“I don’t ever want to make you anxious, Chris,” Tobin says hurriedly, “I like you so much,”
Christen places a fingertip against Tobin’s lips, “I like you very much,” she says, a slow smile appearing on her face, “and for you to spend time creating this, knowing this is right in my wheelhouse, well, I’m so grateful to you. This is so kind, so sweet, and I love this,” she says genuinely touched by her thoughtfulness.
“Yeah?” Tobin eyes widen, “You do?”
Christen slides even closer, “I do,” she lays her head on Tobin’s shoulder, still playing with Tobin’s hand, “I love how thoughtful you are,” she says, “this really means a lot to me,” she adds, “nobody has ever done something like this for me before,”
“Well, I thought it would take the stress off how figuring out where to eat sometimes or what to do,” Tobin explains, “like, it’s on there, let’s just scroll through and pick something,” she shrugs again, “you could add stuff too,”
Christen brings her other around to hug Tobin, “Thank you babe,” she whispers, “I didn’t mean to make you feel bad when you came over,” she says with a frown, “I was preoccupied that things were messy,”
Tobin nods understandingly, “It’s okay,” she comforts, closing her eyes and leaning in so their forwards touch, “we’re still learning about each other,” She feels a hand caress her cheek and jaw and opens her eyes.
“You’re very special to me, Tobin,” Christen says, the shades of green in her eyes sparkling, “thank you. Thank you for caring about me, for accepting me as I am.”
Tobin smiles back at her, “You do the same for me,” she says huskily, “I’m so grateful you came into my life,”
“Me too,” Christen agrees, leaning in to kiss her again.
Tobin grips her steering wheel tighter as she feels the familiar wave of excitement in seeing Chris. Even after two and a half years, Tobin feels nearly giddy when she sees her after a while. It doesn’t matter what they’re doing, just hanging out watching TV, or if Christen is working on her laptop or reading a report or doing her yoga in the morning while she’s doing her own thing. The two have had to really work hard on communicating their feelings, their schedules and free time, especially this last month with Christen’s project deadline next week. Tobin feels as if she hasn’t seen her as much although she’s traveling with the Thorns and very busy as well. Both of them feel as if they haven’t had much quality time together lately even though they speak to each other every day.
----
Tobin is leaning against the wall, idly watching the workers behind the counter prepare food. Her thoughts drift to how her life has changed so much since Christen and Jemi entered into the picture. As her and Chris dated more and really got to know each other, they both knew that this was a serious and committed relationship. Even with Tobin balancing the Thorns and National Team and Christen managing her project, they found a way to make it work. It was unconventional and there were times they didn’t actually see each other for almost a month, like when Tobin was in Rio, but they prioritized communication and it worked for them. Multiple times they mused about how they felt it was a long distance relationship even though they lived only a mile apart.
Tobin still marvels how Christen helped her accept and get over the heartbreaking loss at the Olympics and then the Thorns’ loss in the final later that year. It left Tobin speechless. She never experienced having such a supportive girlfriend during such a dark time. Sure, she had her family and friends to help her, but she never had that one person, the one you tell everything to. The one who wouldn’t judge, who would let you vent and be angry for a couple of days and then help you regroup. She kept her tethered to the ground, reminding her that even if her hopes and dreams of winning were crushed, there was always tomorrow. When she returned home devastated after the Olympics, Christen allowed her to wallow. Tobin didn’t want to leave her condo, wanting to pass her days on the couch, napping, mindlessly watching TV shows she had no interest in and sometimes bursting into tears at random times. After the third day, Christen came to her, wringing her hands with anxiety as she nervously asked her if she could unpack her suitcases and do her laundry because she could smell it when she entered the condo.
It hit Tobin how self-centered she was being and how her actions were stressing Christen out and making her uncomfortable to be with her. As she had looked around the condo, she saw the empty food cartons overflowing from the garbage can, empty mugs and plates piled in the sink. She immediately felt guilty and burst into tears, unable to talk for a few minutes while Christen hovered beside her. When she had regained her composure somewhat, she apologized for being selfish and promised to do better. Christen had comforted her, encouraging her to just take some baby steps in getting back to her normal routine, especially since she had to return to the Thorns soon. Tobin promised she would and apologized for disappointing her. Christen smiled as she brushed the tears from Tobin’s face, stating she understood feeling that low it was hard to function and it took courage and strength to pull oneself from that type of darkness. She stood up and held out her hand offering to help and when Tobin took her hand, Christen pulled her close and held her, whispering to her that tomorrow is a new day.
It was different talking to Christen, especially since she wasn’t in the soccer world. She was grateful for that, to get the separation from footy in her personal life. Even with as much as she loved soccer, it was nice to talk about books and dabble with painting again. Allie has complained about how Tobin doesn’t play video games in her down time as much anymore. Tobin’s tried to explain to her that she’s found more fulfilling things to do with her time. Like reading poetry and listening to jazz music and learning about the musicians. It’s refreshing and makes Tobin feel even more love with soccer since she’s not thinking about it every minute of the day.
Little did she know she would need Christen like that once again. The Back Injury, as it became to be known, would send Tobin down a spiral of near despair for a good part of 2017. Especially after learning it had been misdiagnosed for months and she was sent to LA for rehab. The two talked and videoed each other every day and Christen managed a few weekends here and there to visit which was amazing. Looking back, Tobin realized she handled it far better than other serious injuries she’d ever suffered and credits Christen’s support for that.
Tobin is just as impressed with how much joy Jemi brought her during those times. Tobin offered to take Jemi during the day so she wasn’t alone in Christen’s apartment for hours on end. The dog could sense her moods, knowing when she needed a snuggle. Wanting attention when Tobin was staring off in the distance, deep in thought, replaying matches in her head or fearing that this injury could seriously threaten her career. Nudging Tobin and then walking away to sit near the door or finding her leash and carrying it back in her mouth and dropping it on Tobin’s lap. Tobin found a sense of calm on the short walks she took with Jemi. The dog never strained on the leash, behaving perfectly as if sensing Tobin’s injury and the need to be careful. Jemi was a constant, providing unconditional love and filling Tobin with a warmth that was different than Christen could. Tobin slightly freaked out when she realized it was motherly feeling she developed with the dog. She loved the dog and realized there was something incredibly fulfilling in caring for Jemi. The feeding times, the walks, sitting on the floor brushing her. At first she feared that emotion, now she embraces it. It allows her to think about her future and all of those things she wondered about on those late nights when she alone, like having a wife and a family, before she met Christen, wondering if she would ever have someone to share her life with. She smiles when she recalls the conversation she had with Alex about it.
They were in camp, preparing for the first friendly against Sweden after losing to them in Olympics. Jill was working them hard, preparing them for everything and kitchen sink. The trainings were draining, the meetings seemed relentless.
She was rooming with Alex and it felt like old times. Both complaining about how sore they were and trading ideas for pain relief and plotting fanciful accidents Jill could have to shut down practice and give them a break. Tobin had tossed Alex a tube of an ointment she had gotten from Pinoe, one that had CBD in it. Pinoe’s sister was working on her own business and Pinoe had showed Dawn the tube and it had been approved for use.
“Hey, Al?” Tobin had questioned from the bed she was stretched out on, lying flat on her back with her hands behind her head, staring up the ceiling.
“Huh?” Alex asked as she was working the lotion onto her legs.
“Does having Blue make you think about being a Mom?” Tobin had asked.
The silence lasts long enough for Tobin to turn her head to look over. Alex was looking at her, a soft expression on her face.
“Yeah,” she admitted quietly, “it does.”
Tobin quirked her mouth and sighed as she slightly nodded.
“Feeling a little motherly?” Alex probed curiously.
“Well,” Tobin drew out the word as she considered how to express herself. “Like, being with Chris is one thing,” she said, “but there’s something about taking care of Jemi…” she trailed off.
“Making sure she’s feed and walked and healthy?” Alex inquired, a slight grin on her face.
Tobin nodded her head with more vigor.
“Yeah,” Alex began to work the lotion in on her other leg, “I’ve been thinking about that a lot,”
Tobin twisted her hips and rolled on her side, her hand propping up her head, “Are you thinking of trying?”
“Not now,” Alex shook her head, “Serva and I talked,” she stated, “after the next World Cup if things go well, definaltely after the Olympics.”
Tobin smiled broadly at her, “That’s awesome,” she said, “good for you.”
“Well, I’ve seen how much work it was for my sister to get back in shape and I talked to A-Rod about it,” she explained, “I think the time will be right. Maybe by then there’ll be a team in Cali and I can end my career there,”
Tobin let out a heavy sigh, “It kinda sucks to that we have to start thinking about that, huh,” she said lowly, “I mean, sometimes it feels like we just started, you know?”
“Yeah,” Alex sighed as well, “But then I try to get out of bed and the aches and pains start,” she chuckled and then paused, “Have you given it any thought? What you’re going to do after?”
“A little,” she admitted, “like I want to do something to give back to the game you know,” she said, “and Pinoe mentioned she’s thinking of doing a clothing line, like a whole company, but I don’t know.” It also loomed deep inside her passion for art and painting. A few of her teammates know it’s a hobby for her, but she’s never given much thought of it as a possible career. At least, not until recently.
“So, how are things with Christen? I know you’re serious, but have you talked about moving in or anything like that?”
Tobin shrugged, “I think it’s kind of early to think about moving in, Al,” she said, “I mean, we’ve only been dating for like, six months. I mean, I could picture it, but Chris is really involved with her project and I don’t think the timing would be right to even bring that up right now.”
Alex nodded, snapping the lid on the lotion tube and tossing it back to her, “Understandable, I just wanted to check in,” she explained. “The fact that you’ve thought about it…” she gave her a knowing look.
“I like her a lot,” Tobin offered, “like, I think I love her, but I think we both are too busy to move forward like that. But it’s definitely on my radar in the future.”
Alex smiled, “I’ve only met her twice,” she commented, “and she is incredibly sweet. And Tobin,” she said, giving her a genuine smile, “I’m really happy for you.”
“Thanks,” Tobin breathed out, “I’m so happy too,”
Tobin watches as one of the workers begins boxing up an order, hoping it would be hers. Her thoughts turn back to Christen. She thinks she does her best to be there for Christen as well, she may never know the details of what she does for work, but she’s learning that she doesn’t need to know the exact problem, just how she can help. She can get Chris to articulate her frustrations to a point where she can support her and Christen has said many times, how grateful she is and how much she appreciates it. It took time for her to learn what Christen needed for comfort. Sometimes it was a hug, other times just to listen. Sometimes Tobin was frustrated when she felt she let Christen down when the woman was still upset. Soon she learned that Christen needed to be grounded, to be gently reminded to stay in her routines, to meditate each morning along with her yoga session. She had to peel the layers back to learn how Christen’s brain worked and how it was sometimes at battle with her emotions.
Now they’re on equal footing emotionally and it works for them. Tobin knows it’s been hard at times, but she reasons the life of an athlete and a rocket scientist paired together would make for an unusual schedule and a unique relationship.
It hasn’t been always easy, there were many “discussions” had between the two about time management and priorities. At times, both felt like an afterthought when the other was so busy. They worked through it, committing themselves to each other and stressing the importance of communication. Tobin relied on Alex and Allie to help her through it, both having been through long distance relationships and knowing these types of pitfalls. They were encouraging and supportive, offering gentle suggestions and listening when Tobin was frustrated and needed to vent.
A young woman looks up at her and makes eye contact, “Tobin?”
Tobin gives her a quick smile and a nod, pushing herself off the wall to pick up the bag of food. “Thanks a lot,” she smiles and heads out.
Back in the car, Tobin thinks about what it would be like if they lived together. How that would change the dynamic, how she felt it would change it for the better. They haven’t had that conversation yet, Tobin hasn’t wanted to bring it up while Christen is nearing the end of her project. She doesn’t want to be a distraction and add any additional stress to her. There will be time soon, when Christen doesn’t feel the pressure of the looming deadline. She can be patient. She thinks they’ve been together long enough that this would be the next logical step in their relationship. She realizes this is a huge commitment and it’s one she’s excited to embark on. She loves Christen, she feels she would marry her one day. It just feels right.
Tobin can feel how her body relaxes as she drives towards Christen’s apartment, knowing she’ll be able to hold her in just a few more minutes.
----
Christen is frustrated. She keeps feeling that she’s missed something, something vital because there is no way this project has gone this smoothly. They haven’t had any huge issues, the smaller ones were worked out over time with her taking the lead. Sometimes she gathers the team to brainstorm the resolution and other times it required her to step in, listen to the issue and decide on the answer herself. She’s been shocked at how well this group worked together without personality issues or mind games with coworkers or individuals trying to stand out with their achievements.
It was one thing for Christen to run an arm of a project this smoothly back in LA where she knew her team inside and out, knowing their strengths and weaknesses. But doing this with new coworkers who she really didn’t know, it left her anxious from the start. Before she officially doled out responsibilities to the group, she pored over their work files, reading about past projects they were involved in, and their job performance reviews. She created a spreadsheet scoring them from their previous work and that enabled her to choose who she felt would excel in similar tasks on this project. Looking back, it had been a ton of work, but with how incredibly well this has been going, all of that work has paid off. They are one of the few teams still on schedule.
When Christen would meet with her direct superior to give a progress report each month since the beginning of the project, she was pleased with how impressed the woman was. Last month Christen admitted she felt as if she was waiting for something disastrous to happen, not believing this vital part of the satellite project could go so smoothly. Marjorie, her boss, chuckled and answered back that what she was feeling was normal, most every project leader had the same anxiety when their task was going so well. She didn’t dismiss how she was feeling though, she began to ask thoughtful, detailed questions about some of the important functions of their build. As Christen answered each question, she found Marjorie smiling wider at her replies, nodding approvingly. She closed their meeting by saying she thought Christen had a great handle on the project and it was natural to worry over it until they got to the testing phase.
Well, today they finished testing and everything is working perfectly. Heat shields were fine. The expected payload was higher than they thought. The hydraulics worked fine along with the backup system in case the main one failed. The communications were fine even when they switched over to that secondary unit. The remote controls operated perfectly. They tested their function using joystick and keyboard controls. All of the redundant systems were performing flawlessly.
Two complete units were built for testing. Both tested for all standard functions. One was chosen for testing failure. Tomorrow they would use that one and begin testing their list of dangerous scenarios, like possible accidents that could happen, pretty much attempting to destroy it. This was the final round of testing, having worked out the prior minor glitches they discovered three months ago.
Christen feels she should be elated, yet she feels tense and worried. She can’t stop herself from thinking she’s overlooked something, missed something vital and once the satellite is up in orbit a crucial detail she neglected will be the cause of the mission failure. It’s not her first time leading a project, she’s done it plenty of times, however, this is her largest project and the most people she’s led. It’s important and while she knows she can bring it all together, she’s stressed out about it.
As she gathers the reports on the couch and neatly places them in her briefcase, she frowns as she thinks about how she’s neglected Tobin. Tobin has been wonderful from the start of their dating, understanding and more importantly, respecting her need to meet deadlines and being unavailable some nights. Tobin just inherently understands the importance Christen places on her career and early on she laid out the schedule as best she could to Tobin about this project. Tobin told her they would find a way to make it work and the way she carried herself with such confidence was contagious and made Christen feel they really would be able to make it work. She knows the effort the woman has put in the last two years learning to understand her quirks, her need for order and organization and how she doesn’t care of surprises.
On those nights when Christen was stressed about the project yet unable to speak directly about it, she gave Tobin just enough for her understand to what is happening. Tobin would listen carefully, holding her gently, hugging her softly while she spoke. Christen would smile when Tobin would offer a soccer analogy about teamwork and responsibility and how a coach can only do so much. Christen was always amazed at how Tobin could read in between the lines of what Christen was talking about to find the real emotions she was feeling. Her ability to offer support and comfort was unparalleled.
It’s not like Christen hasn’t tried her best to accept Tobin and her chill vibe and carefree manner. She’ll admit she’s a little jealous of Tobin’s easy going mindset, her flexibility to change plans, her creative solutions. Christen recalls trying her best to not line up the messy pile of shoes on the mat near Tobin’s door and how, over time, found the shoes becoming more aligned. How Tobin’s condo kept it’s relaxed atmosphere that she loved, yet magazines no longer lay littered haphazardly on the coffee table, now there’s a neat stack of them. Empty coffee cups and take out containers disappeared into the dishwasher or trash container more quickly after being used. How the countertops of the kitchen slowly lost the clutter.
Over time, especially the first few months they were dating, Christen noticed the appearance of the dog bed, the permanence of the mat and dog bowls on the floor near the kitchen. The kibble and treats now stocked in the pantry for Jemi. The addition of the package of tea Christen enjoys in the pantry. One night Tobin asked her to help her organize her pantry since she was unhappy not being able to find things. The folded blanket neatly placed on the back of the couch, no longer flung on the recliner or the corner of the couch. How the overall appearance of her condo seemed more put together. She was incredibly touched by the silent and unspoken effort Tobin was making for her to feel comfortable at her place. Christen remembers how Tobin would casually just explain that she knows how the shoe thing bothers her, so she makes it a priority to keep it neat because she loves her. Christen learned a lot about humility, compassion and how to have honest conversations about deep feelings in that first year.
While Christen suffered some headaches from stress and staring at her computer for hours on end, it was nothing compared to the injuries Tobin suffered while doing her job. Christen was shocked with how much Tobin endured, the ugly bruises, the horrible turn burns, sore muscles, the overall exhaustion she felt most days while in preseason. The drain from travel schedules. She saw first hand how regimented Tobin was with her diet, her sleep schedule, her training schedule and how she maintained a social life. She witnessed how Tobin struggled missing family events, the sacrifices she made. Christen was shocked how much she enjoyed going to Providence Park and watching Tobin play. The crowd, the cheering, the undying loyalty to the Thorns. How easily swept up she became in the game, watching in the stands, usually Alyssa with her, quietly explaining rules to her during breaks in the action, but soon they joined some of their other coworkers after hearing them talk about one of the matches. Soon Christen was learning about tailgating before the game and socializing with her coworkers and growing close with many of them. She was amazed and grateful how soccer brought her new friends in a new city.
When the Thorns lost to the Western New York Flash in the semi-final at Providence Park, Christen was shrewd enough to recognize Tobin’s emotions and how this loss was linked to the Olympic loss. Having never seen Tobin at such a depth of depression for a few days, she acted on her instincts in her efforts to help her. Tobin responded with guilt and remorse for being so selfish that it made her feel bad, but she soon found it was exactly what Tobin needed to pull herself up and accept the loss happened and get back to work and prepare for the rest of her club season.
She was beside Tobin during her back injury, seeing how hard she actively worked to maintain a positive attitude and not wallow in anger or helplessness. She was impressed with her mental fortitude in rising above when the second diagnosis was given to her. She hated the pain Tobin experienced, not being able to get comfortable sitting or standing or lying down for any prolonged amount of time. She hated how Tobin slowly lost muscle mass and looked almost frail and yet was so proud of how she kept her sense of humor and slowly regained her strength as she healed.
She was able to be there when Tobin had surgery on the bone spur that was giving her trouble for the past few years. It had been a planned surgery, which frustrated Tobin, because she fully recovered from her back issue and would be back on the disabled list until she healed and became fit to play again.
How she giggled when Tobin was coming out of the anesthesia, so loopy and sweet. How Tobin looked hazily at her, pointing to her and stating she loved her and soccer was so hard to keep from loudly laughing in the recovery area. The fact that Tobin asked for the video and then posted it was hilarious. Christen was pleased she could be there along with Tobin’s Mom Cindy and her sister Perry and meet Tobin’s post-surgical needs. There was something very fulfilling in helping keep Tobin comfortable for the next two days she was with her. She liked taking care of her.
She absolutely hated how the project didn’t allow her to spend as much time with her, relying on phone calls, text messages and Facetime instead. Her group was in a critical testing phase and Christen had to be on top of her game and couldn’t miss any days. She tried her best to work in the evenings at Tobin’s place, making her dinner, providing ice packs and heat compresses. Her laptop never far away.
She hoped Tobin knew she gave her as much as she could during that time and didn’t harbor any deep down resentments about feeling abandoned during her time of need. She doesn’t think she does, Tobin is very good about communicating her feelings and often thanked her changing up her schedule and making time for them to be together.
Now as her project is coming to a close and she would be given some time off before accepting a new one, Christen can’t help but to let her mind wonder about their relationship. The status of it and where they’re headed. They’ve said the I love yous, they know they’re committed to each other. She’s ready to take it to another level.
----
“Hi Jemi!” Tobin greets as she goes down on one knee to pet the pooch. Jemi is warbling at her, the husky mix in her coming out. She looks like a lab but has some of the quirks of a husky, especially the talking and howling. Then she’s licking her cheek and then thumping to the floor to show her belly. After petting her and greeting her with the proper loving attention Jemi requires, Tobin stands and makes her way to the kitchen.
“Hey babe,” Tobin greets, looking over to the couch and setting the bag on the counter, “I was thinking of putting this in the oven to keep warm,” she says as she sets the oven to preheat, “and I would take Jemi out while you finish up,”
“Come say hi first,” Christen smiles at her from her place on the couch. She’s sitting there with papers spread around. She lifts her head and puckers her lips makes cute little kissy noise as Tobin approaches.
“Hi baby,” Tobin says quietly, leaning over to kiss her softly, one hand rubbing Christen’s shoulder, “are you at a place where you can knock off for the night?”
Christen hums affirmatively against her lips, lifting her hand to grasp Tobin’s and give it a squeeze. She arches an eyebrow, “Wanna take a shower when you get back?”
“That sounds wonderful,” Tobin agrees, “I smell like airplane,”
“I know,” Christen nods, knowing Tobin’s habits after returning home from a flight. She kisses her once more, “What’s for dinner?”
“Emma’s place had pot roast,” Tobin wiggles her eyebrows, “so I got that.”
“Oh, honey, that sounds so good,” Christen practically purrs, kissing her again.
“I’ll be back soon,” Tobin kisses her, “did Jemi get a walk tonight?”
Christen nods, “We went out for a long one after I got home from the office,” she confirms.
“Okay,” Tobin smiles, “then we’ll be quick,” she gives her one more peck on the lips and then straightens up. “Jemi, you wanna go out?”
The dog responds with chuffs and near barks, prancing with excitement as she hops around trailing Tobin to the door. She warbles at her excitedly as Tobin attaches her leash and leads her out.
----
“I hope you didn’t start without me,” Tobin’s voice is husky and it cuts over the steady stream of water cascading down Christen’s naked body. Tobin enters the small shower, standing behind her and slipping her arms around her waist, “I’ve missed this,” she murmurs, placing a kiss on Christen’s neck.
“I’ve missed you,” Christen leans back against her, turning her head to kiss her. Tobin moves her hands from Christen’s waist up along her sides, her fingers making small circles as she travels upwards and caresses her breasts. When Christen opens her eyes, she smiles when their kiss ends, “Wash my hair?” she asks, looking hopeful.
“Of course,” Tobin replies, giving her another kiss as she squeezes her breasts. Then her hands are gone, moving to massage Christen’s shoulders and plant soft kisses on her shoulder blades. She gets to work after that, lovingly working the shampoo into her scalp, using her nails and grinning when she sees how Christen shivers from her touch. They gently play with one another while washing up, teasing each other with a promise of what’s to come tonight in bed. Christen’s shower isn’t very big and they’ve attempted shower sex which resulted in Christen getting a horrible calf cramp and Tobin bruising her elbow. There’s not much space to work in.
“So, how are you feeling about tomorrow?” Tobin asks, shifting her hips as Christen snuggles in next to her on the couch. They’ve finished eating and taken care of the dishes and leftovers. “Testing for failure,” Tobin continues slowly, “is that scary or is it fun?”
Christen smiles, “It’s fun,” she replies, taking Tobin’s hand again and playing with her fingers, “we get to see if how much abuse it will survive,”
“Dr. Press,” Tobin tuts with a grin on her face, “sounds like you are going to blow shit up?”
Christen shrugs as she grins back, “Sorta,” she replies, “more like throwing stuff at it as hard as you can and recording the damage,”
Tobin nods, “What’s the craziest test for failure you’ve ever been involved with?” she asks, slightly changing the subject since she knows Chris can’t go into detail on her current project. She watches as Chris taps a fingertip to the tip of her nose as she thinks. It’s one of the more endearing things she does.
“One of my first projects I was involved in years ago,” Chris begins, a smile on her face at the memory, “we had to test how much pressure it would take to crack these little cannisters that were being used for something. They were like shaving cream cans,” she says to her, “so we had a bunch of them and used different ways to try and destroy them. The first ones were lame, like putting them in a pressure chamber and tried to make it crumble. But it got fun when we shot at it with a gun and crushed it with a hydraulic press. That was so cool- the slow motion video was amazing.”
“That sounds cool,” Tobin agrees, “I’ve seen some of those videos on YouTube with the hydraulic press,”
“I really like the jaw breaker one,” Christen nods, “and the bowling pin.”
“So, what’s life like for you when you finish a project?” Tobin inquires curiously, “do you get time off or go right into another one?”
“Well,” Christen shifts a little as Jemi climbs up on the couch with them, letting the dog lay her head on her lap. “I usually take a week off to relax a little and catch up on things I’ve ignored. Officially I’ll be finished in ten days. There’s a lot of prepping the reports and then I’ll be done. That part won’t be as nearly as stressful though. Then I’ll be available for a time as a sounding board for other projects, sometimes people will approach me for opinions and I’ll look things over. Probably a month after that, I’ll begin to look over the approaching projects and express my interest in the ones I think I will be most successful in being a part of. Plus I have vacation time, so I can take some more time if I want.”
Tobin nods, “Maybe after you get the paperwork part done, we can talk about our schedules and see if we want to do an overnight somewhere,” she suggests a little timidly.
Christen smiles broadly at her, puckering her lips as she leans in and Tobin gives her a soft kiss. “Honey,” Christen says fondly, “I most certainly want to spend time with you,” she confirms, “I’ll have some flexibility with my schedule, so I definitely want to do something.”
Tobin smiles back at her, “Awesome,” she says, content to let it sit, pleased that they’re on the same page. Tobin can do an overnight close by when they have home matches and when she travels, she sometimes stays in that city an extra day and night before coming back home. She does it quite a bit in Orlando to hang out with Alex and Ashlyn and Ali. She’d check her match schedule to see if Chris would be interested in doing that somewhere. They don’t stay up much longer as both of them are tired and after a quick final walk with Jemi for the night, they head to bed, eager to please another.
----
The thing about them being so busy, Christen considers as she comes down from her orgasm, is that their sex life is amazing. Nothing is routine, both are horny for each other and want to please their partner. She scoots lower in the bed, offering Tobin a soft kiss before they get comfortable to sleep. Tobin scoots lower in the bed like she usually does with her feet hanging off the mattress and Christen scoots down lower as well.
She noticed it very quickly, maybe it was the fourth time they slept together, how Tobin usually slept on her stomach, sometimes moving to her side, but she would make sure the sheets were untucked and then burrow down to let her feet hang off. It amused her like this was some childhood thing Tobin would do, like some sort of security thing. She remembers when she questioned Tobin about why she sleeps like that, genuinely interested in her reasoning.
Tobin had an afternoon match that day and needed to eat breakfast soon before heading out to Providence Park. Last night Christen had set her alarm so Tobin wouldn’t be rushed this morning. Christen hadn’t yet experienced Tobin doing her “hard chill” on game days yet and she was still learning how Tobin went about preparing herself for a match.
After breakfast, they were on the couch relaxing when she asked her about her unique sleeping position.
Tobin explained it stemmed from a long ago ankle injury and how the joint would get sore if she extended her foot while she slept. She found that to be a great solution, plus it kept her feet cool and herself from overheating during the night. Christen thought it was impressive, having slept next to her enough times to know Tobin was a human furnace. She also thought about Tobin’s commitment to her job and the lingering injuries she suffered. It just reinforced the passion Tobin had for it in her eyes.
So, when they were together, Christen would scrunch down so their faces were level to each other and she found out she liked the ability to stick a foot out to cool down herself sometimes. It was a win/win situation and from then on, she left her sheets untucked. Neat and orderly, but untucked.
----
When she awoke the next morning, Christen revels in the hand softly stroking her back. It’s comforting. She likes it. She likes it a lot. She wishes she could have it every morning. She still feels the pang of guilt that she’s been so wrapped up in her project that she’s cast Tobin aside sometimes, too focused on her work. What she’s doing is important, like, it’s important to the planet, the solar system, important. She’s always shied away from any government projects, not wanting to get tied into needing a higher security classification or dealing with any government agencies besides NASA. She’s recently been approached by Space-X who were interested in speaking with her about another project they were considering. She isn’t sure if she wants to switch companies, but she thinks she’ll talk to them just to listen to what they have in mind and what they would offer her. If she could stay here, that would be the main thing. She’s not leaving Tobin and in the years she’s been in Portland, she’s called it home. The city has grown on her.
She’s been daydreaming more, mostly in the mornings when she’s supposed to be doing her meditation about how amazing it would be if they lived together. She knows the timing isn’t right for it to happen right now, but maybe the conversation could. They’ve been together over two years, she knows she loves Tobin and one day she will marry her. Have her children. She knows Tobin wants kids, they’ve spoken of it before, casually, not in any serious capacity. But Christen sees the joy in Tobin’s eyes when she’s around kids. Especially her nephew.
And she how treats Jemi is a good indication as well. Starting with how Tobin cared for her when she found her in the street, how thoughtful and kind and hilarious she was sending her the texts about their time together. How now, Tobin usually has Jemi with her during the day while she’s at work not wanting the dog to be alone for so long. Her generosity and honesty about how having Jemi around really made an impact on her. She thought about that for along time, thinking it was about being lonely. Here is this rock star athlete with friends all over the world feeling lonely. Yearning for something, a relationship, someone to love.
She knows the feeling. Not many people would be as understanding to the commitment Christen has to her job. It’s hard on a relationship. But her and Tobin have worked it out. It’s not perfect, it’s not without some stressful times, but it’s worked. Tobin hasn’t had any complaints. Although, as she thinks about it, Tobin is amazingly considerate. Christen realizes Tobin probably wouldn’t say anything about what’s on her mind until she’s finished her project.
Last night, Christen saw how timidly Tobin suggested they possibly go somewhere when she had time off. She feels bad about that. Guilty. Has she been so goal oriented on her project that she feels she’s neglected Tobin during this while time. They talk almost every day and when they don’t, its understood beforehand. Usually it’s because Tobin is in the air traveling, leaving immediately following a match and won’t be home until late. Sometimes Christen is the manufacturing plant, overseeing the production of parts for their project and needing to stay to make sure the parts are correct and the engineers have met the specs they need.
But now with the idea of living together has kept Christen thinking about it to the point of near distraction for a few weeks, she’s made up her mind. She’s spent her time imagining scenarios and weighing the pros and cons and there aren’t any red flags, everything she can think of points to them living together. She feels it’s also on Tobin’s mind, Christen’s heard her many late nights thinking she was already asleep, softly saying how much she loves being in her arms or being the one to hold her. Christen has grown to love the idea of no matter how late the evening would be, eventually her and Tobin would be in the same bed most nights. That excites her.
She looks over at Tobin who is sleeping peacefully, how her face is unbothered, stress free. She smiles at how Tobin’s mouth is slightly open, soft breaths coming with her exhales, a little nasally like she is with her allergies. The small reflection of wetness gathered in the corner of her mouth, her plump lips, slightly chapped. How childlike she looks as she sleeps.
Christen knows she loves this woman with all of heart and being. She smiles as Tobin blinks her eyes open, a small smile given in return.
“Morning,” Tobin mumbles, arching her back and pressing her stomach into the mattress, “how’d you sleep?”
“Always good with you here,” Christen replies and Tobin small smile grows wider.
“Same,” she answers and makes a large circle with her fingers on Christen’s back and then retracts her hand, “wanna go eat?”
“Can we stay her for a little bit?” Chrsiten asks, wanting to enjoy the closeness she feels with her for a bit longer.
“Sure,” Tobin agrees easily, tilting her head a little at the unusual request and then smiling at her again, “I’m gonna go to the bathroom and I’ll be right back.”
“I’ll be right here,” Christen says languidly, rolling on her back and stretching her arms and legs out and letting out a loud yawn.
They spend another hour in bed, holding each other and dozing off. Then Jemi comes in, tail wagging and panting with excitement to start her day. She slobbers over Tobin who sits up to pet her, cooing softly at her and whispering sweet nothings to the animal while Christen looks on with adoration.
Then it hits her. She wants this. She wants to experience this every day she can. As soon as she can. She can’t keep juggling schedules, she doesn’t want anymore nights spent in bed alone. Not when Tobin lives so close. She wants to be with her. She wants to live with her. She can feel her heartrate increase, her breathing comes in quick inhales and exhales.
“I can’t do this anymore,” she blurts out, not intending for it to sound like it does.
“Huh?” Tobin jerks to look at her, an expression of horror on her face, “What?” she asks, more sharply than she intends.
“I-I-” Christen splutters, bringing her hands to face, feeling like a complete idiot. “Wait, I mean,” she cuts herself off, her emotions running high with how she’s screwed this up so badly. She starts to cry.
“Chris?” Tobin questions, reaching for her shoulder. “Can you talk to me?”
She shakes her head, so embarrassed she’s freaking out like this.
Tobin is off the bed, moving to put on a pair of sweatpants over herself to cover her nakedness, her head swiveling to find her slides.
“Tobin,” Christen says desperately, “please, wait,”
Tobin looks at her, her face is pale, “Uh,” she says, her voice trembling, “I’m gonna take Jemi out,”
Christen nods vigorously, “I want to” she gulps, “we need to” she says frantically. She’s spiraling, the weight of her emotions of wanting to live with Tobin and making this a happy conversation collides with how badly she’s fucked this up. Looking up at Tobin and seeing how stricken she looks just makes her feel even worse.
Tobin nods, looking everywhere but at her, “I know,” she says quietly, stepping to the closet and taking the hoodie that’s hanging from the doorknob. She puts it on. She walks over to the side of the bed, giving her a sad smile. “Maybe you can center yourself,” Tobin kindly suggests, her voice strained, her eyes glassy, “focus on what you need to say.”
She licks her lips and looks as if she’s devastated. “I’ll be back and we can talk,” she says nervously, biting her lower lip and slipping on her glasses.
“It’s-it’s not bad” Christen bursts out, feeling her tears of frustration slide down her face. “I promise.”
“Okay,” Tobin mumbles, stepping to stand next to her. She leans down and plants a soft kiss on her cheek, “I’m gonna give you some space,” she says, although Christen can clearly hear the waver in her voice, “be back soon.”
Christen cringes when she sees Tobin’s watery eyes and how she discreetly flicks at her tears as she leaves the room.
----
Tobin makes it all the way to the little park before she starts crying. She sits on a cement planter that surrounds a tree, her hands to her face as she cries. Jemi is instantly up on her hind legs, nuzzling her face and neck, whimpering and pawing at her. It takes Tobin a few minutes to compose herself, pulling the sleeve of her hoodie and using it to wipe her eyes and nose. She feels like shit. She’s nauseous and anxious and she’s overwhelmed by her emotions.
She slides down off the planter to sit on the grass and lean back, Jemi now worming her way onto the lap. The dog is sitting upright and resting her head on Tobin’s shoulder. Tobin shakes the loop handle of Jemi’s leash down her wrist and untangles the lead. She reaches around and hugs the dog, letting her head tilt to feel the fur of her neck, her other hand slowly stroking the fur on her back.
It takes another ten minutes of her inner dialogue to stop repeating She’s breaking up with me, she’s breaking up with me, and her mind begins to clear. She takes some deep breaths and releases them slowly with the passing thought that hopefully Christen is in her bedroom, sitting on a yoga and doing the same.
“She said it’s not bad,” she mumbles to the dog, “right before I left, she said it’s not bad.” Jemi responds by pressing closer to her. “Is it the project? Her job? Is she under that much stress she feels like she can’t do it anymore?” She considers, speaking quietly to animal in her arms, “I mean, it’s been over a two year commitment, I get that,” she says, “but I would think if she hated it she would have cracked months ago.”
Tobin closes her eyes and leans into Jemi, hugging her, “Ah, Jemi, what should I do? Give her some time? She looked really freaked out,” she says, “I didn’t want to like, stay and make her feel she had to explain herself when she clearly wasn’t ready.”
Jemi gives her a lick on her cheek, chuffing and stepping out of her lap. She pulls on her leash, giving it little tugs. Tobin keeps hold of the lead as she stands up, once again wiping her face and pulling the hood up. She’s realized she’s been sitting in this public space holding a dog while she cried. There are some people walking through on the paths and she hopes she hasn’t been recognized or even worse, photographed. She shakes her lowly thinking about images of her being so upset spread across the internet. She grits her teeth as she lets Jemi lead her back towards Christen’s apartment.
----
“Just focus,” Christen chastises herself as she sits on her yoga mat, hands resting with her palms up on her bent knees. “Just breathe,”
Well, you blew it, you just couldn’t hold it together enough to make a coherent sentence and now Tobin is off to who knows where, wandering around town with Jemi thinking you want to break up with her. Great. Real fucking great, you idiot. Christen frowns, straightens her spine and inhales through her nose, holding it in for a moment. Then she exhales through her pursed lips. She repeats the breathing as she feels her shoulders begin to relax.
Stop it with the negatives. Just stop. Relax. You told Tobin it wasn’t bad. You probably just freaked her out with the outburst. Just explain to her what is going through your head. Keep calm. She’s coming back. She said she would and she will. Just relax compose yourself. Keep breathing. That’s it. Feel the calmness flow.
She hears the door open and shut quietly, Jemi’s nails clicking on the wood floor and Tobin speaking softly to her. Christen knows she’s not quite ready to face her yet so she remains in her pose, focusing again.
----
Tobin enters quietly, making no loud noises, hoping Christen is somewhere in here meditating and calming herself down. She’ll admit she was scared how panicked Chris was, how her eyes were pleading with her to understand that she couldn’t explain herself. While her first instinct was to rush to her and hold her, her gut had told her to leave. Like, physically leave the apartment so Chris could recover and not worry about her sitting in the next room. Tobin felt strongly she needed to give Christen some time alone to calm down and she didn’t want to pressure her.
She pets Jemi as she unclips the leash, “You’re such a good girl,” she praises her, smiling at how the pooch kept nudging her leg as they slowly trekked back from the park. The dog understood she was upset and Tobin found that pretty amazing. By the time they entered the building, Tobin felt better. She was more worried for Chris. Whatever she meant, she knew they could work through, although she still carries that small sliver of self-doubt. She doesn’t want to feed into the fear that Christen wants to stop seeing her, she won’t give it power in her mind. If she does, she risks making it some self-fulfilling prophecy.
She slips off her slides and foots them onto the small rug near the entrance and then pads barefoot down the hall. She glances over and sees Christen’s form sitting on the floor with her back to her, deeply breathing. Good. At least she’s not curled up in the bed crying.
In the kitchen, Tobin finds some Tylenol and washes two capsules down with a glass of water. She shuffles over to make some tea and toast. Her stomach is rumbling with a mix of hunger and feeling ill, but she thinks eating something light will help. Tea seems better than coffee right now.
Jemi is lapping at her water bowl, then she ambles over and nudges Tobin’s leg. “Yeah, you should have breakfast too,” she murmurs, squatting down to open the cabinet below the sink to remove the Tupperware container holding the kibble. She stands and sets it on the counter, then retrieves the empty food dish, rinsing it out and wiping it clean with a paper towel before filling it up.
Jemi sits, her butt wiggling expectantly and issues a few soft chuffs. “Gimme five,” Tobin puts her hand up and waits for her hit it with her large paw. “Good girl,” she smiles, giving her a few scritches on the side of her jaw before placing the bowl on the mat. She watches her eat and then turns to steep the tea. She hears Jemi pad down the hall and enter the bedroom while she puts some butter on her toast and brings the plate to the end table, setting it down. She makes two mugs of tea, having a feeling Christen will be out before it gets too cold to drink.
-----
Christen feels Jemi press against her, nuzzling her large head into her side. “Hi baby,” she says, frowning at how nasal she sounds from crying. The dog moves closer, leaning against her, making soft whimpering noises. “I’m okay,” she soothes, “is Tobin okay?”
Jemi looks up sharply at her, licking her face at the mention of Tobin. “Oh, Jemi,” Christen sighs, “what am I going to do? She probably thinks I’m crazy,”
Jemi worms her way onto Christen’s lap, chuffing in disagreement. “You don’t think she’s mad and thinks I’m a nutjob?” Another chuff is issued from the canine. Christen hugs her dog, “I love her, you know,” she says quietly, “I love her so much and she’s been so amazing,”
Jemi whines at her statement, groaning as she settles on Christen’s lap, looking up at her. Christen feels like the dog is trying to say something to her. “I’m nervous to talk to her,” she confesses, “I’m scared she won’t understand,” Jemi nudges at her arm a few times before giving it a lick.
“Okay,” Christen nods, “I need to talk to her,” she straightens up, pumping herself up, “alright.”
Jemi leaves her lap, looking at her expectantly, chuffing at her. “Okay, I’m coming,” Christen answers. Apparently she rises too slowly for the dog, Jemi steps forward and gently grips the hem of Christen’s shirt and tugs on it. “Okay, okay,” Christen says, getting to her knees and pushing the dog away from her shirt. She stands and looks at the hallway through the open bedroom door. Jemi nudges her leg to get moving. Christen takes deep breath and approaches the hallway.
----
Tobin is not through her first piece of toast before Chris saunters down the hallway, looking pretty miserable as she hugs herself. Her hair is wild and curly and Tobin noitces she's wearing one of her UNC sweatshirts and her favorite leggings. Tobin stands and takes a few steps to meet her, gathering her in her arms. She slightly sways as they hold each other tightly, Christen gripping Tobin’s hoodie and burying her head into her neck.
“I’m sorry,” Christen says heartfully, her voice nasal and muffled.
“I know,” Tobin whispers in her ear, her voice just as wrecked.
The remain silent until Jemi starts to nudge their legs, forcing her snout along Christen’s and they step back.
“I made some tea,” Tobin states, “you want some?”
Christen nods and Tobin hands her the mug, slowly sitting back on the couch. Christen sits next to her, shoulders, thighs and knees touching and she takes a sip using both hands to cradle the mug. They sit quietly, Tobin silently offering her a piece of toast and Christen gives her a grateful smile and takes it from the plate.
Tobin finishes her tea first, setting the empty mug on the table next to her and waits. Jemi has crawled up on the couch, lying down and resting her head in Christen’s lap, Chris slowly stroking her fur with one hand. When she finishes her tea, Tobin takes the mug from her and sets it beside her own empty one on the table.
“I know I said it before, but I need to say it again,” Christen starts, “I’m sorry, honey.” She hates that the expression on Tobin’s face is so similar to when she had just returned from the Olympic loss and when she learned her back injury had been mis-diagnosed. That look of utter defeat.
Tobin links their fingers together and gives it a squeeze. “I know,” she acknowledges, “I’m not sure what happened, you looked really freaked out,” she says, “I didn’t know what you meant and it scared it me.”
Christen nods, “I know,” she says apologetically, “can I explain?”
Tobin nods and gives her a small encouraging smile.
“This is my first project lead with a new team,” Christen frowns, “and it’s important that I make it work and be on top of things,”
“Understandable,” Tobin nods.
“So, as things are coming to close with the project, I’ve been thinking,” Christen continues, “about all sorts of stuff,” she shrugs, “about how amazing you’ve been these past two years. Tobin, I don’t know anyone who would be as patient as you are,” she says earnestly, “you accept my quirks, my OCD tendencies, my work responsibilities. Early on you made that spreadsheet for places to go and things to do when you realized how much surprises bothered me.” She lets out a breath, “And don’t think I didn’t notice how you changed your place, I saw everything you did. The bookcases, the shoes, the kitchen counter. You are just so kind, you don’t lose your patience with me, maybe you got frustrated but with good reason, I know I’m a lot to handle.”
“Chris,” Tobin says tenderly, “you’re worth it, babe,” she says softly, “I wish you would see it,”
Christen gives her a flash of a subdued smile, “I have trouble accepting that sometimes,” she states, “back then I was much worse,” she looks at her and her expression changes to regret. “I’m so sorry for freaking you out this morning.”
Tobin nods, lifting Christen’s hand in hers and softly kissing her knuckles, “Tell me about it, babe,” she encourages, “what was going on in your head?”
Christen feels that warmth rush through her, the one feels each time Tobin gently prods her to talk about her feelings, to do it at her own pace. Never pushing, always knowing the explanation would come. It baffles her how Tobin can be so present and in tune with her feelings and tamp down her own feelings until she understands what Christen is going through.
Christen nods, leaning against Tobin now, feeding off her relaxed vibe and the safeness she feels with her. “Three weeks ago I met with my supervisor, Margorie,” she begins, “and we were going over our basic progress report and I must have mentioned something about working late again when she asked me something.”
“What’d she ask?” Tobin inquires.
“She asked how my personal life was, if I felt I was balancing my job and home life.” Christen says, her voice a little hollow. “I couldn’t answer her,” she shakes her head, “I brushed it off, but it stuck with me. I couldn’t stop thinking about it.” Her chin quivers. “I’m so sorry,” she sniffs, “I’ve treated you so unfairly.”
“Hey, hey, hey,” Tobin comforts, “Chris, you haven’t.”
Christen shakes her head, “No, I have,” she wipes her eyes, Jemi whimpering on her lap, sticking her paw out to pat her. Christen pets her absently, “I scheduled an appointment with Marjorie again and met up a few days later,” she states, “I wanted to know what she meant,”
Tobin nods, squeezing Christen’s hand.
“She surprised me asking me how I chose the team to lead the project,” Christen states, wiping her eyes, “and I told her how I reviewed their past projects and sought out their strengths and weaknesses and made my decisions from there.”
Tobin nods encouraging, untangling their hands and moving to put her arm around her.
“She praised me for being so innovative and she thought we should institute how I did that for all future projects,” Christen states, once again wiping her eyes.
“Babe, that’s awesome,” Tobin says rather excitedly, “really impressive.”
Christen gives her a small smile, “Thanks, she says, “but then she asked me if I trusted them to do their jobs.” She sighs, “I replied that I did,”
Tobin senses she can see where this is going. A small smile forms across her face.
“So, then she asks me how many hours I’d estimate I worked at home, double checking and going above what I normally would do to make sure everything was going smoothly. I realized I had been really micro-managing the whole project. I mean, I wasn’t brow beating the team, just always checking on progress via the computer, driving myself crazy and not seeing how well we were progressing. I was embarrassed, I started crying, it was awful,”
Tobin hums and squeezes her close.
“Marjorie was so amazing, she shared with how she’d done the same type of thing for years and it nearly ended her marriage. It wasn’t until her daughter said something about being a part-time Mom that she realized it. She wasn’t trusting the process, trusting her talented coworkers. Then all I could think of was you,” she says, turning to face her, tears welling in her eyes. She lays her hand along Tobin’s jaw. “I love you so much,” she says emotionally, the tears beginning to flow, “and I put you second and you don’t deserve it,”
Tobin swallows, suddenly beginning to feel nervous, now unsure of where this conversation is going. She searches Christen’s face for any clue but can only see the remorse and pain in her eyes. She bites her lower lip and closes her eyes, feeling her heart beating faster.
“I thought of all the nights we were apart and just blocks away, I thought of the planning we had to do, mostly to fit my schedule and how patient and willing you were to make it work.” Christen says earnestly, “I had such tunnel vision…” she trails off. She can hear Tobin swallow again and looks up to see how terrified she looks. Christen’s eyes go wide,
“Sweetie,” she says hurriedly, shifting to fully face Tobin, “this morning was wonderful, sleeping with you, waking up next to you,” she smiles at her, “I want it,”
“You want it?” Tobin questions, eying her carefully.
“Yes, I was thinking about how amazing it would be if we lived together and then those late nights wouldn’t be as hard because at the end of the day, we’d be together,” Christen replies, now taking Tobin’s hands in hers.
Tobin’s eyebrows furrow as she thinks, “Then what was this morning?” She asks, confusion in her voice, “You said you can’t do this,”
Christen nods, “My mouth hadn’t caught up with my head,” she explains, “and I’m so sorry how it came it out,” she adds. “I was thinking how I couldn’t do this crazy juggling anymore. I kept going over how there’s like, two weeks left and I just couldn’t do it like that anymore.”
Tobin still doesn’t seem to understand.
“I knew I couldn’t do this anymore,” she insists, “be away from you like this, be so unfairly work oriented. I missed out so much with you. Marjorie had showed me how redundant my work was,” she pauses, looking slightly embarrassed, “she understood how I wanted to make sure everything was perfect, being new to the office. She made some suggestions and I’m already thinking how to change the next projects I’m involved with, to really work on separating work life and home life.”
“Oh, babe,” Tobin says, letting out a relieved sigh, “I really had no clue what to think when you said it,” she says, wiping at her eyes, “I really thought you were going to break up with me,” she swallows again and her whole body shivers at the thought, “I knew you were really struggling to figure out what to say so I thought I should leave,” she says, shrugging, “give you space. Then when you said it wasn’t bad, I was kinda relieved, but still super worried.”
Christen nods, her lips pressed tightly together, turned down at the corners, “I know,” she admits, “and I’m still so amazed how you knew that was what I needed,” she sighs, “you are incredible,” she says, leaning in to connect their lips. “I love you so much,” she confesses, “I don’t know what I’d do without you.”
Tobin hugs her, holding her close, “I hope you never have to find out,” she husks, her voice low and hoarse, “I’m here for good,”
Christen presses a kiss on her cheek, “I know,” she replies, going quiet for a moment.
Jemi paws at Christen’s lap, issuing a low woof, her tail wagging. She stands up on the couch, her front paws low, back end high, butt wiggling with each sweep of her tail. She starts barking and hopping up and down, then she’s off the couch, racing around the living room as Tobin and Christen laugh.
Jemi comes around the side of the couch, launching herself onto it, landing on the two, licking Tobin’s face so hard she knocks off her glasses. Christen is trying to push her off, reprimanding her for being so rough. She stands up quickly, “Jemi!” she says sharply, “Sit!”
The dog sits, her butt still wiggling, obviously sensing the change of the tension in the room, panting happily with her tongue hanging out of the side of her mouth. She keeps looking between Tobin and Christen, making the two chuckle.
Christen turns and hugs Tobin again, kissing her softly, “Thank you,” she says, her voice full of emotion, “I love you.”
Tobin kisses her, “I love you, too,” she replies. She looks over Christen’s shoulder, “We have time for breakfast before we have to leave,” she says, her hands slowly moving up and down Christen’s back, “how about I get started on that and you can get ready for work?”
Christen nods and kisses her softly, “Thank you,” she says, “I’ll be quick and then come help,” she smiles, “today’s casual, “ she informs her, “you know, for blowing stuff up,” she smirks as she leaves her arms and heads down the hallway, adding an extra sashay in her hips as she walks.
Tobin smiles after her, her eyes on Christen’s firm backside. She shakes her head slightly after Chris enters the bedroom, then moves to the kitchen to get started on breakfast.
----
“-and it went perfectly and they’ll have the results uploaded to the files by Tuesday so we’re in excellent shape!” Christen gushes with excitement as she ends her recap of her morning with her team. She sighs happily, “I’m so happy now,” she smiles at Tobin, “I feel like a huge weight has been lifted off me,”
“Well, it’s quite an accomplishment,” Tobin states, “I mean, it’s been two years,” she smiles, “and it has to be satisfying to oversee it from start to finish,”
Christen leans over and kisses her, “It is,” she agrees, “and you’ve been such a support to me,”
“I feel the same way, babe,” Tobin says honestly, “and I know you’ll just crush whatever your next project will be,”
Christen kisses her again, “So, you want to talk about living together?”
Tobin smiles widely, “I’d love to,” she replies, “do you?”
Christen nods, “How about we start with the big picture first, then whittle our way down to more specifics,”
Tobin nods, pulling the blanket over her shoulders. They’re now at her condo, Tobin had taken Jemi with her this morning while Christen was doing her testing. She had brought the pooch with her to Providence Park while she did her recovery. Jemi is no stranger at the facility. Her teammates usually bring their dogs and they have fun. Her and Chris are lying on the chaise lounger part of her couch, it’s attached to her sectional couch she had purchased last year.
She had asked for Christen’s opinion while she was looking and had to convince her it would be a good idea and they’ve made much use of it since she’s had it. Jemi loves it because she gets to stretch out on the rest of the couch.
“So, I guess my first thought is where do you think is the best place for Jemi? My place, your place, a new place?” Tobin asks. Her arm is around Christen, who is on her side with a leg slung over Tobin’s.
Again, Chrsiten just melts with how considerate Tobin is to think of Jemi. “Well,” she considers, “there’s a couple of scenarios I can think of.”
“Uh huh,” Tobin encourages, running her fingers along Christen’s arm beneath the blanket.
“Interest rates are pretty high right now,” she states, “so it’s not a good time to buy. Plus, I don’t think we’re close to needing more space for the three of us just yet, right?”
“Right,” Tobin agrees, “so, new place out.”
“And since you have this,” Christen says slowly, “it wouldn’t make sense to give it up for my apartment. You have such nice amenities here,” she explains, “plus the equity you have in it.”
“Yeah, you love the pool,” Tobin chuckles, “so, you wanna move in here, baby?” she drawls with her low voice that makes Christen swoon.
“I do,” she confirms, “I think it’s the smart move for us,” she says. “We can talk later about financial stuff,” she says, “I just wanna daydream about what it will look like,”
“I really like your kitchen table,” Tobin states, “and I think your dresser and wardrobe would fit in the bedroom,”
“I think my shelving unit might look nice on that wall if we painted it black,” Christen points next to the TV stand.
“Yeah?” Tobin looks over, picturing it in her head, “I think it’d look cool,” she says as a smile spreads across her face.
“When do you think would be a good time to make it happen?” Christen asks, her hand now resting lightly on Tobin’s sternum.
“When is your lease up?” Tobin asks prudently.
“End of November,” Christen replies.
“Then let’s shoot for that,” Tobin shrugs, “it's only like six weeks away. The Thorns season will be over, I won’t have any friendlies the back half of the month,” she reasons, “we could make it work,”
“I have to be in Florida the first week of December,” Christen states, “want to come with me?”
“Yeah,” Tobin nods, “what part?”
“We could stay by your Mom’s,” Christen says, “I need to be at Cape Canaveral,”
“Really?” Tobin is intrigued.
“Yeah,” Christen lifts her head to look at her, smiling brightly at her, “wanna go watch a satellite launch?”
“Hell yeah,” Tobin grins, “It would be the one you worked on?”
Christen nods, “Maybe your Mom would want to go,” she offers, “and Alex and Servando and Ali and Ash, we haven’t seen them in a while,”
“That would be awesome!” Tobin exclaims, “I’m so proud of you,” she says as she presses her close, “my little rocket scientist.” Her hand glides down to Christen’s side and she tickles her.
Christen shrieks, squirming out of her grasp. “Tobin!” she gasps, getting to her knees, “That’s it!” She exclaims and leans in to attack Tobin’s sides with her fingers. Tobin is
laughing and trying to hold Christen’s shoulders to keep her back. Jemi leaps up and is licking Tobin’s face while Christen continues her tickle assault.
“I give! I give!” Tobin breathes out, twisting her neck in an attempt to get away from Jemi’s sloppy kisses. “Uncle! Uncle!”
Christen sits back in Tobin’s legs, laughing while Tobin gently moves Jemi back and pets her.
“You had an extra attacker,” Tobin accuses her with a smile as she wipes her face with her hand. She wipes her hand on Christen’s knee.
“My secret weapon,” Christen arches an eyebrow, glancing down at her knee, “you think dog spit is gonna gross me out?”
“I guess not,” Tobin laughs, letting out a happy breath. She looks up at her with pure devotion in her eyes, “I love you,” she says adoringly.
“I love you, too,” Christen replies, easing off Tobin and standing up beside the chaise, offering her hand. “Wanna go look at your closet and figure out how to get my clothes to fit?” she grins.
Tobin takes her hand, “I have an idea about that,” she replies confidently as she stands next to her. Tobin swings their joined hands as they walk down the hall towards the bedroom, “I think I know exactly how to make it work,”
“Is that so?” Christen is amused and delighted that Tobin has given this some thought.
“Uh huh,” Tobin smiles broadly at her, “I’m no rocket scientist, but I think I got this,” she chuckles.
Christen stops them just before the bedroom door and kisses Tobin, “Lead the way, honey,” she smiles, “I can’t wait to do this,” she says, kissing her once more, “this is going to be amazing.”
Fini