Could they say that this was love? The two girls had only been together for a few weeks, not too long. So, was it really love? Could they call it that?
The weeks Sterling and April had spent together had been the best weeks of their lives. They both knew that. They were happy. Happy together.
Sterling had told April that she wanted the world to know about them since she had told Blair about the two of them. She asked April to lay side by side at the lock-in or even just hold her hand. Either was enough for her, it was always enough. April agreed and they were ready to tell the world that they were together.
Until the day of the lock-in came. Mr Stevens had (unfortunately) been cleared of his charges and April became afraid to do the one thing she wanted to do. To love Sterling out in the open and to be loved out in the open. However, her father hated the gay community. So she decided against coming out as a lesbian. But it was okay. It is okay. She was protecting herself and Sterling. She could still love her in secret, it would be okay.
Except Mr Stevens asked about Blair and Sterling. So, she became freaked out and became unbelievably terrified that he found out about her relationship with a girl. With Sterling.
This lead to the break up.
April didn’t want to break up. She was happy for the first time in a while with her crush and girlfriend, Sterling Wesley.
The breakup didn’t go well. April expected that, though. She explained why she was ‘flirting’ with luke and ignoring sterling (which she hated doing, by the way). Sterling seemed to understand, but she was still hurt, and that only made April feel worse. She never wanted to hurt her.
Can you imagine spending time with someone you cherish just for it to end the way their relationship did?
Weeks of pining and secret meetings and being genuinely happy. That being all destroyed, because Mr Stevens was a fucking jerk. And would hate his daughter for being a lesbian. He probably wouldn’t even allow it.
The next few days at school were.. awkward. Sometimes they would ‘accidentally’ bump into each other, but that would only lead to both of them on the verge of tears. They missed each other, it was obvious. But they couldn’t do anything about it. They wished that they could.
Every few hours, April would get the sudden urge to call Sterling, or even send a text message to her. A simple “How are you?” or an “I miss you” but she didn’t. It wasn’t that she was reluctant to do that one small thing... she was just afraid. Afraid of what her father would say if he found out, and afraid of what Sterling would do. Would she say I miss you back? Or not?
Those urges were continuously being suppressed, over and over again. She fought those urges, but just couldn’t any longer.
It was 2:00am, Sterling was on her mind. April had somehow, out of nowhere, had a mood where she just wanted to say “fuck it.” So she did exactly that.
sterl
ME: do you ever think about how this could’ve been different?
STERL: all the time.
STERL: do you?
ME: all the time.
ME: i wish it didn’t end the way it did. i’m sorry.
STERL: it’s fine.
STERL: for the record, i wish it didn’t either. we could’ve been something special.
ME: maybe we still can. just not now.
STERL: maybe.
STERL: i think i loved you, you know.
STERL: what i felt with you, it was different to what i felt with luke.
STERL: it doesn’t matter anymore. goodnight, april.
After that message April began thinking of Sterling. Thinking about that specific night. What had been said. What hadn’t been said. This girl was engraved in her mind, and there was no possible way of getting her out of it. Her eyes and her lips, how soft her hands were and her smile. Always on her mind.
Continuous thoughts of what ifs crossed her mind, too.
What if her dad was still in prison? Would they be out as girlfriends to the whole school?
What if they never kissed? What if Sterling never showed up to discuss what they are? What they were.
What if this all turned out differently?
What if she loved her, too?
They could’ve been something special.