--- Dec 23, 2020 ---
Crazy. She's going crazy. This is all crazy.
She'd had enough. They shouldn't have come back. They should've just stayed at Seoul, buried the memories in their mind.
They were happy. And Bora is ruining it. All because of her . All because she let herself go weak again.
Bora clutched the hem of her shirt as she shut her eyes tight. She could still hear her voice. She could clearly remember her eyes. The delicate look in her eyes. Her chest tightened as memories from the past flashed through her head.
This needs to stop. It's gone. All over. All gone.
"Bora?"
She just wanted her chest to stop hurting. To stop remembering it all. But fate doesn't seem to let her.
She took her coat hanging on the room's door and quickly put it on. She didn't bother if she looked like a mess. She used to look worse.
"Where are you going?"
"Walk."
"It's late, Bora. It's cold outside."
"Go back to sleep."
“You can’t do this-- Bora!”
She shut the door tight. There's only one place she could think of. She's never ready but she had to see her . She had to see Siyeon again.
--- Nov 2020 ---
She hesitated so many times if she should actually agree to go back to her hometown. And yet how selfish could she be, at least she would see Yoohyeon and Yubin again. Her friends, especially Yoohyeon, had been flooding her with messages of how they miss her so much already.
Not that she’s doing it on purpose of not coming home. Kind of . But her schedule’s actually hectic with all the interviews and promotions. And now she’s here. Being home felt familiar, yet also somehow different. But she’s not here to feel the difference . She wouldn’t want to feel it. At least, Minji’s here.
It was already their third night. Her friends have decided to set a karaoke at home - meaning Yoohyeon and Yubin's place, and drink. Bora rolled her eyes at the idea. She doesn't like drinking but definitely in for some singing. It’s what she does for a living anyways.
“Are you sure you don’t want me to come?”
“Hundred percent. I won’t get in trouble. I promise.”
“Be quick and be safe.” Minji then kissed her cheek and smiled.
She walked for a while, looking around and noticing the changes. She missed how fresh the air is in their hometown. She barely gets to go out for a walk in Seoul and when she does, the air isn’t even that refreshing. She spots a cafe that seems familiar with the sign yet she’s sure she’s never seen it before. And since she’s out to buy some coffee, she decided to check the cafe out.
Lilla Paradis? Purple Paradise?
“Good evening! How can I help you?” The girl was smiling brightly at her and Bora thought for a moment that she'd already seen her somewhere. Her name plate says ‘Gahyeon’ .
“Uhm, I don’t have a specific drink in mind... “
“Will it be fine for you if I offer our cafe’s specialty?”
“That would be great.”
“Your name is?”
“Bora. “
“Oohh, lilla.. . Alright! Lilla Paradis ’s specialty for Bora!”
Bora decided to sit on the nearest table to the counter as she waited for her order. Everything about the cafe felt familiar and it’s starting to get funny for her. She looked around and everything was colored with different light shades of purple. That’s when she heard something even way more familiar.
You're music to my eyes
I had to listen just to find you
I'd like for you to let me sing along
Give you a rhythm you feel
She tried to busy herself with her phone so she wouldn't focus on the song but it just seemed to get louder. She suddenly wanted to leave and mentally cursed as she saw that Gahyeon was still preparing.
I wanna learn your every line
I wanna fill your empty spaces
I want to play the part to reach your heart
Sing you a song that you feel, oh
She couldn't be wrong. The song surely is famous and has a lot of covers but why does it have to be this certain cover.
Love, let your music be mine
Sing while I harmonize
Let your melodies fly in my direction
Take me to your paradise
On a musical ride
I'm in love with your music, baby
You're music to my eyes
It's clearly her voice. And worse, Bora's sure that this version was never released anywhere to be just played randomly over someone's new cafe.
Bora racked her brain and tried to piece everything together. Purple. Paradise. Gahyeon.
"Miss Bora, your order's ready!"
Purple. Paradise. Gah-
"Gahyeon-ah, I'm here!"
No. No way.
"Unnie! What did I say about shouting?"
How did I forget about Gahyeon?
"You had no custo-- Oh! My apologies miss."
Run. Bora, leave. She had no choice but to turn and face the woman who just arrived.
"Bora?"
This can't be happening. She can't be here.
"Siyeon…"
The other girl was frozen, her eyes wide in shock. Bora suddenly regretted leaving her friends. She should've just stayed and drank or should've just let Minji come with her.
"I'm sorry. I need to leave." Bora placed some money on the table and rushed her way out. She did not even bother to claim her order.
"Bora! Wait!"
She ran and ran, not even knowing where she's heading to. She felt the familiar pain on her chest and let her tears fall. She turned to corners and finally let herself sit in front of a convenience store. She then took her phone out and pressed the speed-dial.
"Bora! Where are you?! You said you'll be quick-- Bora?? Are you crying? Where are you? Baby?"
"M-minji. Pick me up… Take me home, p-please…"
--- 2016 ---
"Bora! Oh my gosh you're gonna like this!"
"What, Yoohyeon? Let me clean up in peace." Bora groaned as she sat in front of the mirror.
The backstage room was a chaos. The other performers were packing and some of the bar's crews were getting ready for their shift.
"Someone wants to meet you!" Yoohyeon said, grinning while wiggling her eyebrows.
"You know I have no time for that. What the hell, Yooh! I just broke up with Brian!"
"Oh come on! ‘Just’?? It’s been years, don't be such a killjoy. I'm calling her, wait here!" with that, off Yoohyeon went.
"Yooh-" Her?
Bora let out another groan and decided to just take her hygiene kit out. The restrooms are probably full so she had to undo her makeup at the staff room.
"Come on, Bora. Let off some steam~'' Hwasa, one of the waitresses joked.
"What if that person saw your performance? Maybe she was just so amazed!" Chungha, another waitress and dancer, added.
"Really? You all know that no one really pays such attention to singers here unless I go wear what you all wear and serve or dance too!" Bora said.
She finally let her hair down, and removed the bobby pins with the help of one of the dancers.
"Ouch." Joy made a face, putting a hand on her chest.
"Bora, you dance too!" Seungyeon said.
"I stopped dancing. And come on, girls. You know what I mean."
"Bora! She's here!"
Bora rolled her eyes and didn't even bother to look up. She heard gasps which admittedly made her a little curious. But if this woman is just one of those people again, she's probably not gonna let herself stay with them in a room for more than an hour.
"So... Bora?"
Right. She's right. She could smell, even with her back facing the woman. She looked up from the mirror and was surprised. She didn't actually expect someone like her to appear at a bar. Moreover, wanting to see her.
"Siyeon?"
"Oh you know me? You... know Siyeon!"
"Everybody knows you." Bora said, finally facing the girl.
Yoohyeon had pulled a seat and placed it beside Bora. She then gestured to Siyeon to sit and turned to the other girls who are still in awe. Even with the protests, Yoohyeon did her best to give the two girls some space.
She can't believe Lee Siyeon is here. A famous band vocalist. Quite underrated but she's sure, a lot of people has listened to Siyeon's songs. Bora didn't actually expect that the rumor about this girl consuming alcohol like water is actually true.
"Well, I'm sure... a lot.. not.. no... not everyone does?"
"Siyeon, you're an artist. But what brings you here?"
"Letting off... uh, some.... some steam?"
Bora tried not to make a face but the odor wasn't helping. It was already too late when she saw Siyeon's frown, probably because of the expression Bora just made.
"O-oh.. sorry... Sorry for.. f-for uh the smell..."
"Are you drunk?"
"Huh? Me? No, I mean I think? I'm pretty sure just tipsy though…"
Bora looked at her skeptically before turning back to the mirror. She took out her makeup remover and some cotton pads. She could feel Siyeon's eyes on her and she swore she could see her pout.
"What is it, Siyeon?"
"You don't seem too happy to see me."
"What makes you think that way?"
"Well, you... you didn't ask for a picture or anything? And... you were surprised... but not... not smiling? You know?"
Bora stopped wiping her face, not even bothered with the way she looks. She looked at Siyeon through the mirror, not sure if she should laugh or what. The girl's eyes weren't on her anymore, still the frown was there.
"Not everyone wants something from you, Siyeon..."
"Y-you're right... I hope some people actually don't... Would've felt... better.."
"You should go home and take some-"
"I like your voice. You have the emotions when you sing. I like it. It's beautiful."
Bora looked at her, surprised. Siyeon was looking at her, eyes almost drooping, yet she didn't stutter.
"You do?"
"I do. I heard you sing. I told Yoohyeon and she said that I should meet you. I wasn't so sure but I'm glad I'm here."
Almost inaudible, yet again, no stutter.
"Thank you."
"Can I buy you a drink?"
"I don't drink. Actually, I'm about to go home."
"Oh, sorry. Then… uh, can I take you home?"
Bora sighed. She was unsure of what actually is going on. A drunk girl, asking her to drink or to take her home?
"Siyeon. You're drunk."
"Oh, no! No! Not me… I meant, my driver. I am with my driver."
She went back to wiping her face and it was quiet for a while. She could feel Siyeon looking around while humming some sort of tune.
"Sure. Let me finish cleaning up, first."
"Great. I'll, uh, wait for you outside."
Bora could hear the smile on the girl's tune. Siyeon then left Bora all alone in the room. Why did she agree? She doesn't actually know. Maybe the small fact that someone finally chose to appreciate her voice first.
Or maybe how Siyeon's eyes looked so innocent and soft, despite the strong and sharp features she got, that Bora didn't have the heart to reject just a simple request.
--- Nov 2020 ---
“What are you doing here?!”
“Oh, wow. So your best friend isn’t allowed in here anymore?”
Yoohyeon tried to block her friend but she couldn’t deny that Bora is far stronger than her. She sighed as she watched her best friend find an empty booth on the dimmer side of the bar. She followed her after getting a drink and sending a quick message to her girlfriend about Bora.
“You’re gonna get in trouble, please.” Yoohyeon said as she placed the drinks before sitting on the opposite of her friend.
“I’m not, Yooh. Please. I just need this.”
“What if someone recognizes you?”
“I’m an adult. I can drink. I won’t get drunk. I swear.”
“You don’t drink, Bora.”
Bora just looks at her and again, Yoohyeon sighed. There’s definitely something wrong.
“She’s here, Yoohyeon-ah. She’s here.”
“I thought you don’t care anymore.”
“I thought so too.”
--- 2016 ---
“You’re here again. You’re giving your manager a hard time.” Bora said, serving the drinks.
Siyeon just smiled and started drinking the first glass. Bora was about to leave but Siyeon was quick to grab the girl’s wrist.
“Talk to me.”
“I’m working.”
“I can pay Yoohyeon for this night.”
“You won’t do that.” Bora said seriously.
“I already did.”
Bora looked over Yoohyeon who was at the counter and when their eyes met, Yoohyeon just gave her a big grin before accommodating a new customer on the counter. She scoffed at her best friend’s antics, placing the tray on the table. Bora then just sat in front of the girl and watched her drink her third glass.
She honestly couldn’t take the smell, ironic when she’s working at a restobar. She had no choice though. She had to juggle jobs since her mother literally spends all the money she gets to drink, nothing left for her. She needs to work to live. Yoohyeon then offered her a job at her restobar, letting her work once a week. It’s funny how alcohol ruined her family and now she’s spending the night with another drunkard.
“How did you even know Yoohyeon? How come I didn’t know you were friends?”
“I used to go here often. Not many people care about who I am. Safe.”
Bora just nodded. She just recently got into her job here. She heard that Siyeon’s out of town for more than a month and came back here for some gigs. She was busy fumbling on her apron until she heard two knocks on the table. She looked up and saw Siyeon pushing a drink in front of her but she shook her head.
“Come on, it’s sweet.”
“I know. I work here.”
Siyeon pouted with the response, not satisfied. Bora looked at her with an amused look and just shook her head. Siyeon surely acts like a child for someone who’s drunk. At least she’s not the violent type, Bora thought.
“You know what?”
“Hmmm…”
“Let’s just get out of here?” Siyeon suggested and Bora just looked at her, confused and surprised.
“You’re giving me that look again. Come on. I wanna spend time with you and you don’t like the smell of alcohol, so? Let’s just gooo?”
Bora was surprised with the statement. She hesitated for a moment because she was supposed to be working. Well, the girl had paid Yoohyeon for her time so she obviously wanted to be with Bora.
“Okay. Let’s go.”
- ••
“Bora?”
“Hmm?”
“Can you sing for me?”
“We’re at a parking lot, Siyeon.”
“Pleaseee?” Siyeon whined.
The taller girl tried to pull her up but Bora just shook her head, laughing at the whining girl. Siyeon surely surprises her. For the few weeks they have been spending together, she’d seen the side of Siyeon that people actually don’t know about. Whiney and innocent. She whined like A LOT. And Bora discovered that she hadn’t experienced much fun in life because she entered the industry as a teen.
“I don’t hear your voice anymore. Come on, sing for me~”
“It’s not my fault. You won’t let me work at Yoohyeon’s anymore.”
“You can sing even if you’re not working. You sound great!”
Bora lifted a brow, smiling. Siyeon is now sitting in front of her, holding an ice cream with pleading eyes. For the nth time that night, Bora laughed because of Siyeon.
“Alright, alright. Which song though?”
“Hmm… anything will do! But I wanna hear your song? The jazz one? Yeah! That one!”
“Alright, then.”
Through the descending red light
I feel your eyes ah
Endlessly entranced by my humming
You give me sweet looks
Did you slip in through open doors and sit down
Just to look at me like that every day
When our two eyes meet I want to stop singing
And draw closer to whisper oh nah
Bora sang the verses, doing some little dances to the tune. Siyeon never took her eyes off Bora as she watched the girl sing with a big smile on her face. Soon she was standing too, dancing with Bora.
I feel I love you
Oh I love you
Oh I like you
Do I know you? Oh ah
I think I love you
Oh I love you
Oh I like you
Maybe you’ll feel it, too
“Alright that’s enough, your driver’s looking at us.”
“But I want more~” Siyeon said, sitting back on the open backside of her van.
“There’ll be more next time. For now, let’s finish our food first and get you home.” Bora sat beside the girl, picking up her ice cream which was almost melted.
“I don’t wanna go home.” Siyeon whispered.
“I know you don’t but you need to rest. You can’t keep on drinking until you pass out.”
“Hmm, okay then. If that’s what you want.”
- ••
“I miss Gahyeon.”
“Who’s Gahyeon?”
“She’s uh… my little sister.”
“Why is she not with you?”
“She’s mad at me. Can’t blame her though.
I never had time for her… and all I do is drink.
One day she got so fed up, she left my apartment
and never came back. *sighs* ”
“Have you tried talking to her?”
“I always did. But she never answers my calls.”
“In person?”
“I think I’m a coward.”
“You should try.”
“...”
“And also try to change… for your sister…”
“Hmm,”
“...”
“Bora?”
“Yes?”
“Can I see you tomorrow?”
“Siyeon, you’re in Japan.”
“But… I miss you.”
“You’ll see me when you get back.”
“Really?”
“Yes, really. Now go to sleep. You need your energy for tomorrow.”
“Alright. Good night Bboya~”
“ *laughs* Good night, Siyeon. Rest well.”
- ••
“Wow, she listens to you well.”
Bora was surprised to see Handong, Siyeon’s manager, standing beside her. She’d seen her a few times when Siyeon took her to some small events but they didn't actually talk. Just shared smiles and that’s it.
“What do you mean?”
“She actually didn’t wanna come tonight, but you managed to convince her.”
“Aah..”
“I’m sorry, I know you had to work.”
“It’s okay. I mean she doesn’t actually take the important times…”
Siyeon looked over at them and then waved with a big grin on her face. The two girls waved back, with Bora chuckling at how cute Siyeon is. Siyeon went back to tuning her guitar and this time, Handong turned to face Bora, to properly talk.
“Can I offer you something? Would you want to work with us?”
“Huh? I’m sorry. What do you mean?”
“Initially, it’s just about keeping Siyeon to work. You know she can get so stubborn and she would even try to escape. But now, all she does is talk about you… And recently, she showed me your work.”
“What work?”
“Jazz Bar. She showed it to the band and they liked your work. We could get you to record your song.”
“Wait, what? Are you serious?”
“Do I look like I am joking?” Handong laughed, letting Bora process what she just said.
“Think about it. I heard that this is your dream. You should take it.” Handong added, patting her shoulders.
- ••
“Bora, this is Minji. Minji, meet Bora.”
Bora shook hands with the said girl and turned to Siyeon wide eyed. Siyeon just gave her a thumbs up, smiling wide. She's heard a lot about Minji. She could say that she's so amazed with the songs written and produced by the girl.
“Hi Bora! It’s great to finally meet you! Singnie talks about you a lot!”
“Singnie?”
“Oh, it’s Siyeon’s nickname! She looks so emo and intimidating outside but she’s a total baby. I’m sure you know that by now.”
Siyeon rolled her eyes at the statement and gestured that she’s leaving the room for a while. The two girls giggled and nodded at her.
“Oh, that is absolutely true.” Bora laughed.
Siyeon had told her a few stories about Minji. She never actually thought that Minji and Siyeon were friends since they were teens. That explains why aside from Gahyeon, it’s Minji who she talks about.
“So let’s get to work!”
Bora took out her notebook and phone and let Minji read and listen to the songs she wrote and composed. Minji seemed satisfied with her works and only marked a few lines and parts that she thinks they should improve.
“Wow! I’m honestly impressed!”
“My dad was in a band and we used to spend our time singing his songs or creating new ones.”
“That’s cool! Now, we know where you got the talent.” Minji beamed at her, making Bora smile too. There’s just something about the girl’s cheerful aura and bright smile that made her smile too.
“Sadly, he’s not here anymore”
“Oh, I’m sorry.”
Like magic, Minji’s bright smile turned into a pout, her eyes sad, placing a hand above Bora’s. Bora was surprised with the contact. And when she tried to search the girl’s eyes, trying to see if the girl’s faking it, all she could see was sadness. As if Minji had known her for a long time, empathizing with whatever she’s feeling.
“It’s fine. It’s been a long time.” Bora smiled at the girl, patting the hand above hers.
Minji looked at her as if asking her if it really is fine, and that made Bora chuckle softly.
“Seriously, Minji. I’m good. I’m happy with the people I have right now.”
There was a short silence until Minji broke it, reaching for both of Bora’s hands.
“Just so you know, you can always tell me anything that bothers or worries you. It’s important to know that you have someone to trust especially in this type of industry. Not that I’m saying that you should trust me, we just met. Well, you could. I’m not the type of person who will betray you. Singnie can affirm that. Just know that I can be your friend. Oh God, I sound like I’m forcing myself to you. This is emba--”
“Minji, chill. You’re good. We’re good.”
Bora gave her a smile, amused by the fact that they just met a few hours ago and the girl’s already comfortable with her. Well, her too. She admits that she might have already believed Minji’s words. She feels like Minji could be really trusted. They indeed could be very good friends.
“It’s nice to meet you, Minji.”
--- 2017 ---
Bora knelt down on the sidewalk as she tried to pick up her clothes that were scattered on the ground. She wiped her tears that kept on flowing. She knew her mother actually didn't care about her but getting kicked out of your own home, where you had your best memories with your dad, hurts like hell. She knew she couldn’t go back anymore unless she wanted to get hit by those flying bottles and plates.
She didn’t know whatever mistake she's ever made for her own mother to hate her. Maybe the fact that her mom loved her father more that she gets the blame for why he died. It’s not her fault though, they all know it’s his. He was the nicest man, the best dad to Bora, but he has issues. He suffered complications in his health because he won’t stop drinking. And now her own mother’s doing the same, and she can’t do anything about it.
She had tried calling Yoohyeon but the girl is probably at work. Yubin is probably driving. And just as she was about to bawl another set of tears, her phone rang indicating a call from the last person she ever wanted to bother.
“Hey, you’re not coming tonight?”
“I.. I can’t…I’m--”
“Are you okay? You don’t sound so well.”
“I’m… I don’t know... Siyeon, can you pick me up?”
“Where are you? Are you safe?”
“I am safe. I’m in front of my house.
Siyeon.. I.. I don’t know what to do.”
“We’ll be right there.Calm down, okay?”
It only took less than half an hour for them to arrive. Siyeon quickly got off her van and pulled her into a hug. Bora could only cry as she still couldn't let everything sink in. Siyeon then gestured for her driver to pick up Bora’s things and helped the girl get into her car.
The ride to Siyeon’s home was silent. All they could hear was Bora's occasional sniffs. Bora had insisted on just dropping her off at Yoohyeon's bar but Siyeon said it’s best for her to get some rest first.
- ••
“You can put a little bird here on the top left!” Bora insisted.
“Come on, it ruins the font of the logo!” Siyeon laughed.
“It doesn’t. It’ll look cute! It would look perfect when it's lighted up!"”
“We can sell cakes too or even macarons. I’m sure Minji would stop by everyday.” Siyeon said, making Bora giggle at the thought.
“And everything will be in purple and blue! Pastel ones!” Siyeon added.
Bora nodded as she continued to make small sketches of Siyeon’s dream cafe. They talked about their career and Siyeon admitted that maybe after a few tours and albums, she would want to take some break.
“It would be better if Gahyeon’s with us, right?”
“Definitely.” Bora lied on her back, and looked at Siyeon who’s sitting beside her.
“She would like you. I’m sure of it. You laugh at everything I say, she loves it when someone finds her funny.”
“You’re indeed sisters.”
Siyeon smiled sadly and Bora sat up so she could pull Siyeon into a hug. They stayed like that for a while, until a sudden idea came to Bora to cheer the girl up. She pulled away from Siyeon and the girl pouted. She only winked, and began scrolling through her phone.
When she found what she’s looking for, she stood up and plugged her phone into a mini speaker. A song began playing and Siyeon widened her eyes as she heard her own voice. Bora then reached for Siyeon’s hands and pulled her up. She started dancing, eyeing Siyeon to do the same.
That night both girls stayed up late. Playing random songs, danced and even cried their eyes out as they sang along. It’s one of the few nights when Bora wasn’t worried about what’ll come tomorrow. One of the nights that the only thing that mattered is the way Siyeon looked at her.
- ••
“Now, shush and wear this. Quick!’ Yoohyeon said, wrapping a blindfold around Bora’s eyes.
“Minji! Help?!” Bora asked but all she heard was the girl’s giggles.
“It’s a surprise, please. Here, you can hold my hand. I’ll guide you.” Minji said, reaching for Bora’s hands.
The car started moving and none of her friends were talking. She doesn’t know what goes on. Siyeon won’t answer her call and Yoohyeon and Minji barge into their condo, dragging her out somewhere with a blindfold.
“Are we there yet?”
“We’re near.”
“Really? What goes on?”
“You’ll see!!” Yoohyeon sounded excited, and Bora prayed it wasn’t one of those pranks.
“Minjiii,” Bora whined, but all she heard was a chuckle, Minji’s hand softly rubbing the back of her hand to comfort.
After a few minutes, the car slowed down and then stopped. She heard the car door open and soon Minji is guiding her again out of the car. She felt the atmosphere change as they entered a room. They let her sit on a chair and then everyone was quiet.
“Minji? Yoohyeon?”
She felt a hand remove her blindfold and realized that she’s at Yoohyeon’s restobar, except it was dark and empty. She squinted and looked around, trying to look for her friends. That’s when a guitar started playing. She turned her attention to the stage and saw a silhouette.
You're music to my eyes
I had to listen just to find you
I'd like for you to let me sing along
Give you a rhythm you feel
I wanna learn your every line
I wanna fill your empty spaces
I want to play the part to reach your heart
Sing you a song that you feel, oh
The lights on the stage turned on and she could see Siyeon smiling at her as she sang those lyrics. She realized that Siyeon has a new guitar, purple with a sticker of the bird she drew that night.
Love, let your music be mine
Sing while I harmonize
Let your melodies fly in my direction
Take me to your paradise
On a musical ride
I'm in love with your music, baby
You're music to my eyes
Bora laughed as Siyeon slowly walked towards her. She looked different. Glowing and happy. It’s been a while since she saw the girl get drunk, though she knew that Siyeon still drinks before performances to lessen the nervousness.
Your voice is quite a view
I heard a song and then I saw you
I learned the lyrics and knew you were mine
Dance the horizon with you
I wanna sing you a sunrise
And be the dawn I know will move you
I'd like to be the strings on your guitar
Touch me and play what you feel
It was just a cover but it sounded as if Siyeon made it and sang it just for her. And even though it was dark, Bora never failed to spot those eyes. Those eyes that looked at her as if she was the loveliest view.
Love, let your music be mine
Sing while I harmonize
Let your melodies fly in my direction
Take me to your paradise
On a musical ride
I'm in love with your music, baby
You're music to my eyes
Bora couldn’t hold her tears anymore. Siyeon was quick to put down her guitar and cup the girl’s face. She could see Bora smiling through her tears and though she cried, Siyeon felt proud. The light around the bar slowly turned on and Bora could see Yoohyeon, Yubin, Minji, Handong and Siyeon’s band smiling at them, singing a ‘Happy Birthday’ song.
“Happy birthday, Bora.” Siyeon whispered.
Bora closed her eyes letting her tears flow, feeling Siyeon’s soft touch on her cheeks. She would never want to forget the moment. How she felt so safe and happy with Siyeon, despite the alcohol and all, Siyeon did nothing but make Bora feel so loved.
“Thank you. Thank you so so much for you, Siyeon.”
- ••
“Bora I have good news!” Siyeon barged into her room, jumping like a child.
“Siyeon! Next time please knock!”
Siyeon then went back to the door and knocked three times, before rushing toward Bora's side. Bora just couldn't help but to shake her head at the other girl's antics.
“Boraa! Boraaa!”
“Now, what is it?”
“Handong said, you can join our tour! We’ll be having a special segment for you and you can let the people hear your song for the first time, live!”
“No way…”
Siyeon stepped closer and held both of Bora’s hands. “Yes way, babe. It’s happening.”
“It’s happening, Siyeon. It’s happening!”
Bora hugged Siyeon tight as she tried to contain her scream. Siyeon felt so happy seeing how excited the girl was. She’s only starting her journey to reach her dream of being an artist and Siyeon swore she wouldn’t let anything hinder the girl she loves from reaching it.
“Thank you, Siyeon. So much.”
“Anything for you, love.”
“I love you…” Bora said, before leaning to give her lover a small peck.
“I love you too. So much.”
--- Nov 2020 ---
"I told you, unnie. You should've just stayed. We can bring her home."
"With a motorcycle, Yoohyeon?"
Yoohyeon sighed in defeat and helped Minji lift the drunk Bora from the booth. She had called the girl, knowing Bora won't listen to her even if she had tried so many times to stop her. Minji did not even hesitate and immediately made her way to Yoohyeon's restobar.
"Unnie."
"Hmm?"
"You know you don't have to do this …"
"What do you mean?"
They arrived at Minji's car and let Bora lie down in the backseat. Minji turned to her and Yoohyeon gestured at her friend.
"You don't have to stay . I know it's hard for you too. It's unfair."
"I want to, Yoohyeon. I promised."
"You promised Siyeon? She left us, unnie."
"No, Yoohyeon. I promised myself. I couldn't lose Bora too."
Yoohyeon fell silent. She didn't know if she should feel bad for Minji, yet she knows that the older girl is mature enough to decide for herself.
"She doesn't have to love me as much as she loved Siyeon. I don't even care if I can't call her my girlfriend. I have no one, Yooh. I only have Bora. And because of Bora too, I have you and Yubin. I wouldn't want to leave my family."
After a long time, she noticed the sad look in Minji's eyes. She pulled the girl into a hug and whispered apologies.
"Thank you for looking after her. We'll head home now. Good night Yoohyeon." Minji said before getting inside her car.
- ••
Bora didn't bother if she's shivering from the cold. She was out for a walk even if it was already dark. She wasn’t in the mood for a drink nor a talk. Her phone kept ringing and she was sure it’s just either Yoohyeon or Minji calling her.
She then spotted a small playground and sat on one of the swings. She closed her eyes, calming herself down. She had tried so hard to sleep yet when she closed her eyes, her thoughts just won’t stop.
“You know it’s not safe for you to go out alone.”
“Did Yoohyeon send you here?”
“Nope. I wanted to visit you and on my way I bumped into Minji looking for you. I told her, I got you."
"Oh… Minji."
"You know you should probably stop sneaking out and worry her. You know she wouldn’t say no to you."
She opened her eyes and saw Yubin sitting on the other swing beside her. They did not speak for a while, all they could hear was the sound of the wind and the crickets.
"You know you can talk to me. You need to let those out or you'll hate yourself even more for bursting instead. We don't want that to happen, Bora. We want to help you."
Bora kept mum for a moment, staring at her feet. She felt so exhausted to even think about everything but Yubin was right.
"How can I tell her, Yubin?"
"Don't you think she already knows and is just waiting for you to trust her with this one.”
"It's unfair to her." Bora sighed.
“How are you?”
“I couldn’t sleep.”
Yubin just nodded. Bora took the opportunity to continue speaking. She had been keeping things to herself to the point that she couldn’t take it anymore. She just needed to let everything out, perhaps a closure too.
"Every time I try to sleep and close my eyes, all I can see is her eyes. And her eyes take me back to everything. Everything that happened and everything that I could've or should've done. I just wanna fucking rest."
"I saw everything fall apart in front of my eyes, Yubin. I saw her lose hope. She won’t even look at me anymore. And it hurt me the most, when all I want is to be able to help her. But I couldn’t. I was too focused to reach my dream.”
Bora could feel her tears threatening to fall again. She could clearly remember the look in her eyes. Empty. Tired. And it pained Bora because she couldn’t do anything. It’s not hers to fix anymore.
“She was able to help me get better but why wasn’t I even able to do that for her. I thought nothing could go wrong anymore. I thought that loving her would make things better for her, but I wasn’t what she needed. I hate her so much. I hate that I loved her too much.”
“Why did she even approach me in the first place if she would also just leave? She didn’t have to leave. And I know it’s unfair, but I’m not the only one who’s having the hard time here. She left Minji too. She left you and Yoohyeon. Handong. Everyone.”
"And I feel like I'm going crazy because at some point I understand why. I hope I don't so I can get mad. I just want to be so angry so I have a reason to stop thinking about her. But I know I can't and I would never."
Yubin reached out to her friend, pulling an arm off Bora's lap, and holding her hand tightly. She didn't let go, gently caressing Bora's knuckles with her thumb as the girl sobbed. She couldn't offer anything but comfort knowing she would never understand how hard it is for Bora. She has Yoohyeon and she has a very accepting family. And though Bora could definitely count on them, she knew Siyeon was all Bora had.
"Hey, honey. Let's get you home?"
And then, there's Minji.
"Minji? What-" Bora quickly wiped her tears, surprised that Minji had found them.
"Yubin told me I should go home and rest. But I know I wouldn't be at ease without you at home. I'm sorry I followed."
"I should get going. It's almost closing time. I should pick my girl up."
Yubin stood up, pulling Bora up too. Bora hesitated to let go of her hand for a moment, but the younger girl patted the back of her hand, smiling.
"You two should talk." And with that, Yubin bid goodbye.
"You don't have to if you're not ready. I just really want you to be able to rest." Minji said, fumbling with the hem of her shirt.
Bora wanted to get mad, push the girl away, keep her out of her mess. But she knew she couldn't. She knew Minji was just worried. She knows Minji loves her. And she knows that she would break without Minji. With a sigh, she reached out for the girl's hand. She gave her a smile and a kiss on her cheek.
"Hug me to sleep, please."
--- Dec 2020 ---
It sounded dumb. She looked stupid. She’s being selfish and all. But Bora just wanted to see her. She stayed across the street, seated in another cafe, pretending to do something on her laptop and ordered and ordered a lot of coffee. She stayed just to watch. To see how her day went.
She watched as Siyeon opened the cafe. She watched as she turned on the lights, placed some chairs down. She watched as Siyeon greeted her sister. How she laughed when Gahyeon looked so annoyed early in the morning. She watched them make little dances probably to whatever song was playing. She watched how Siyeon looked at her sister.
She drank her third cup of coffee and saw people going in and out of Lilla Paradis . Yoohyeon and Yubin had asked to hang out but she refused, saying she’s working on something. And Minji. Neither of them brought up the talk . She’d left her again at home. She knew the girl wasn’t convinced that she’ll indeed be working on some of her songs. She knew Minji knew where she’ll be.
She smiled as she saw people greeting Siyeon. They looked delighted to see the girl. She smiled as she saw how Siyeon easily made the customers laugh. She’d seen a woman dropping by, not to order but to drop some food. She watched as the woman hugged the sisters. She’d seen another woman with her kid, and Siyeon seemed to be fond of the kid, giving him a free macaron before he went.
She watched as Gahyeon bid goodbye for a moment, probably on her way to uni, with Siyeon asking for a kiss or a hug. And her heart would feel warm at the sight whenever Siyeon laughs at her sister’s reaction. Another young woman entered, and Bora assumed she’s an employee. And after a few hours, she saw Gahyeon arrive, switching with Siyeon. Gahyeon looked tired and she knew Siyeon noticed it, yet she insisted. Siyeon then left and that’s when Bora packed her things up. She walked across the street and pushed the door of the cafe.
Gahyeon was surprised, obviously now aware who she is. She ordered another coffee, a sweet drink, and some snacks. After ordering, she took a spot on a corner. Soon, Gahyeon arrived with her order but before the girl could leave, Bora was quick to grab her arm.
“You should sit down and eat. I actually ordered these for you.”
“But M-miss Bora…”
“Just call me unnie.”
Gahyeon did not respond, instead she followed what the girl had requested. Bora then smiled as she watched Gahyeon eat, the girl was obviously hungry. She took a few sips on her coffee before she finally made up her mind. She should just leave.
“Tell her to take care. And you too, take care of yourself. Thank you for forgiving your unnie.” Bora said, smiling to Gahyeon.
She then collected her things and stood up. Bora ruffled the girl’s hair as she passed by and ignored the multiple times Gahyeon called her. She didn’t look back. She wanted to talk to Siyeon but she knew she couldn’t. She knew she wouldn’t want the answer she’ll get. She knew for a long time that it’s what Siyeon wanted. To leave and live .
And it went on for days, Bora sitting in a cafe across Lilla Paradis , but this time she didn’t dare approach any of the sisters. At the back of her mind, she knew it’s all useless. It’s useless to stay and watch the scenery you wish you were part of. Yet she couldn’t move. She wouldn’t want to move. She’s scared of leaving because of the thought that what if there’s this little chance that everything would change. Bora then felt tears welling in her eyes. She tried to wipe them off as she watched Siyeon from afar. Seeing her hurt more because how she wished she's still there. With Siyeon.
It hurt because no matter how everything changed, everything still felt the same. She's so tired and yet she couldn’t admit that she hated sleeping because everything that happened was all she would dream of. And it’s a fucking nightmare for her. A nightmare because everyone seemed to have moved on and moved forward but her. She’s stuck. Everything felt so fresh to Bora. The happiness and the pain. All the feelings she felt for Siyeon. Everything changed but to Bora she's still the same. The Siyeon she met was still there. The Siyeon that made her feel so happy and sad and loved and frustrated. Siyeon is still Siyeon. But not her Siyeon anymore.
- ••
She knows the CEO had been talking to Minji, trying to save their asses from all the issues. She was supposed to go back and start a new album, yet here she was. She didn’t care, she already threw her phone to the wall and didn’t even bother to replace it. She doesn’t see the use of being here but not with the person who helped you get into the spotlight.
“I mean why, Minji? Just why?”
She felt bad for Minji though. No matter how many times she wanted to quit, Minji was there to save her. No matter how many times she pushed her away, Minji had stayed. Bora knew that they are not just workmates for each other, yet she couldn’t just commit. She wasn’t ready.
“Maybe because you’re only looking at the good side… We all know how messed up she became. You know what happened. And it’s not our fault Bora... It’s not your fault.”
Bora continued to cry in her arms. The only good thing that she felt after a long time was hugging Minji. The girl was there when everything happened. She held her hand, even hugged her to sleep. And she never left. Even if it hurt Minji so much too to lose Siyeon, her long time friend.
“Bora, I don’t want you to lose what you worked so hard for. Yes, she helped you. But this is yours. You made this happen. She saw something good in you even if she couldn’t see in hers anymore. You’re your own person, Bora. You’re someone even without Siyeon. Please, think about how you dreamt of this even before you met her. I’m not saying you should forget the good times you had with her. She’s living her own life. You have to live your own.”
“Bora, I can’t let you end up like her too.”
And that’s when Bora realized how much pain the girl was in too, how Minji sounded like her when she was trying to keep everything work for her and Siyeon. That she’s slowly becoming how Siyeon was before. And she didn't want to be that way. She didn’t mean to give Minji the same pain she experienced. She wanted to fix things together. Siyeon didn't want to but Bora would. She wouldn't leave. She would never leave Minji.
--- 2018 ---
“Hey, let’s get you home?” Bora helped Siyeon up, who’s almost passed out at the counter.
Yoohyeon looked at her apologetically, probably because she couldn’t stop the girl from drinking. Bora struggled to keep the girl up as she flagged down a cab. She helped the Siyeon get into the back seat, placing her head on her shoulder.
“B-Bboya… I saw Gah.. Gahyeonnie.”
“Really?”
“Hmm… S-she… she didn’t greet me. She told me… to… to go away...She’s still mad.”
“Are you sure it’s Gahyeon?”
Siyeon nodded with a pout. Soon, tears were rolling down her cheeks. Siyeon clinged tighter to Bora’s arm as she recalled what happened that day.
“I went to her university. I made a... mistake though. I know she… she hates it when I’m drunk. And… I reek of alcohol.. Her… friends… they saw me… She shouted at me… told me to.. G-go… and.. and n-never come back…”
“Ssh, rest okay. I’m here now.”
“I miss Gahyeonnie, Bora… so much…”
Bora stayed silent. It’s hard for Siyeon to stop drinking when alcohol’s basically part of her daily routine. At least these days, she lessened her consumption. The only problem is they probably won’t get to talk with Gahyeon until Siyeon has totally stopped.
“I miss my little sister so much.”
- ••
A few months after the tour, Bora got a call from Minji that a company wants to scout her after seeing her performance on Siyeon’s tour. They’re also aware of the album Bora’s preparing and are willing to help her with the release. She got busier with the recording and soon, the promotions. They even let her include some choreographies so it would appeal to more people.
It was a hit. She was known as Sua and everybody loved her music. A lot of shows invited her, wanting to get to know the rising star. She slowly made her way into the industry, and now everybody’s excited for the new music she can make.
Bora felt proud that she was able to dance again. Her dad was very supportive of her but ever since he died, all her mother did was criticize everything she did. Now look at where she is.
“Bora?”
“Dongie? What’s up?”
“Uhm, I’m sorry to bother. I know you’re busy. But has Siyeon called you today?”
“She hasn’t. What’s wrong?”
“She has a schedule today but we couldn’t reach her. We checked her condo and she wasn’t there. Yoohyeon and Minji don’t know her whereabouts too.”
“I’ll try to call her. I’m sorry Dongie. Thank you for informing me.”
After the call, Bora tried calling Siyeon but her attempts failed. She called multiple times but still nothing. She waited for her at home and almost fell asleep, until she heard the door click open.
“Siyeon?”
She was greeted by a drunk Siyeon, struggling to take her own shoes off. Bora rushed to her side to help her but Siyeon just swatted her hand.
“What’s wrong with you?”
“I don’t need your help.”
“Where were you? Everyone tried calling you. You missed your schedule.”
“I went to see Gahyeon.”
Siyeon then walked past her, her knees wobbling. With the looks of it, Bora knew it did not go well. She sighed as she followed the girl to their room but the door’s already shut.
“Siyeon, open the door.”
“...”
“You can talk to me.”
“... I don’t wanna talk…”
“Siyeon, please.”
“Not now, Bora.”
And even how many times she tried, Siyeon did not open the door. Bora then made her way to the room she used to sleep on. She felt bad for Siyeon but it’s not like she can do anything about it. Siyeon just won’t listen to her and she doesn’t even know where Gahyeon is.
- ••
“Bora are you coming home?”
“Love, hello. Sorry I can’t. Minji and I had to finish some recordings.
I’ll try to get back before you wake up, hmm?”
“...”
“Babe?”
“Huh? Oh, yeah. It’s okay.”
“Did you have dinner already?”
“Of course. I’ll wait for you. Take care and good luck.”
“I gotta go, baby. Love you.”
“Love you too.”
- ••
“Siyeon-ah… It’s Bora.”
Bora tried to wake the girl up who’s sleeping on Handong’s couch. The manager had called telling her that she took Siyeon home because her gig was nearer to her condo. She went right away after her practice even if it’s already past midnight. She slowly tapped the girl’s cheeks and noticed a bruise on the corner of the girl’s lips.
“She insisted on going to a bar and you know, I couldn’t leave her alone. One of the customers was drunk too and recognized her. The man said awful stuff about you, she got mad, and there. Good thing there were guards or she would've gotten beaten up.”
Bora caressed the girl’s cheeks and saw the girl wince in pain. She tried once again to wake the girl up but Siyeon’s already fast asleep.
“You two can stay here until morning. You already know where the rooms are. I can call her driver to take you two home tomorrow.”
“Thank you, Dongie. You should rest.”
Handong was about to leave, but she halted her steps and turned to Bora again.
“Bora?”
“Yes?”
“I know she can be handful. But she loves you so much. I know you know that. I know she looks like she’s not trying, but it really is just so hard for her. She had no family but her sister. She was used to handling things on her own, with no one guiding her… And she thought of nothing but drinking. It’s dumb I know… But she’s trying. She really did try to see Gahyeon that day. She was positive to get her sister back. And you know what happened. She felt that every attempt she made was a mistake. She told me these things earlier, and I just thought that you should know."
Bora sighed as she observed the sleeping girl on the couch. She had been busy and she knew it's hard for Siyeon to share.
"Thank you again, Dongie. I owe you a lot."
- ••
“Where is Siyeon?” Bora asked, as she saw her best friend entering her dressing room.
One of the shows she’s invited into had asked her to perform a special performance and they already agreed that she’s going to perform it with Siyeon. It’s almost time for the show but still no news from Siyeon.
“She told me she’s preparing and that’s like an hour ago.” Yoohyeon said.
“Minji? Can you call her?”
“I will. For now, get ready okay?”
Bora sighed and faced the mirror again. She continued to prepare her makeup. She would be performing Jazz Bar and they already talked about it a lot of times before. Siyeon knows this day is important
It was almost her time to perform and still no Siyeon. Bora is so pissed but she needed to calm herself down before the performance. They called Siyeon multiple times but still to no avail.
“I’m sorry Miss Sua but you have to go up now.” Bora just nodded. She’s honestly disappointed that Siyeon forgot about the only thing she requested.
The song was about to end when she saw a familiar figure in the audience, the guards trying to prevent her from entering further into the studio. Bora tried to compose herself as she eyed the wobbling girl, Minji now approaching them. She bowed to the audience and gave them a smile before exiting the stage.
“I’m disappointed in you, do you know that?” Bora said, as she watched Siyeon from the mirror. The girl got drunk again and didn’t notice the time.
“I’m sorry.”
“It’s just one simple request, Siyeon! And did I tell you not to drink today. I let you drink all you want and I asked you just this once to stop, and what? You didn’t listen.”
“I’m really sorry, Bora.”
“You know what? Let’s just go home. Next time, there’s no Minji, no Bora or no Handong saving your ass. Please Siyeon, please.”
--- Dec 2018 ---
Siyeon was all over the news. What happened on Bora's guesting, and that one fight at a bar that happened months ago, and suddenly all those clips of her entering various bars every night went all over the internet. The company tried to contact her but she's just so good at shutting everyone out. She won't even talk to her own manager.
"I know. I'm sorry. I just can't leave her right now. She's my family, you know that. I know all of those but I have to be with Siyeon right now! I'm really sorry Sir. I can't go right now. You can cancel all my schedules today, if you want. I don't care. I just have to stay. Just for a day please."
Bora dropped the call and saw Siyeon standing by the door. She smiled at the girl as she walked towards her. Siyeon didn't return the smile and just walked past her.
"I… we need to talk." Siyeon spoke as she sat on Bora's bed.
"Why? Is there a problem?" Bora sat beside her, caressing her arm.
"I'm… I need to leave."
"Excuse me.. what?"
"I'm quitting. I mean my name's all ruined now. But that's not why. I need to get away with everything. Live a simple life. No cameras, no people watching your every step. I just need a restart."
"You're leaving… but what about me…"
"I love you. And I know you love me too. But I don't think I deserve it. You're just… you've been so good to me… And all I did is to make things hard for you. I tried, I hope you know that. I tried because I want to. I want to give all the love you deserve... But I'm... I'm not ready. Everyday I wake up and I just feel like I don't want to move anymore. I don't know which path to take. What's the right thing to do to please people. I know I shouldn't focus on what people would say but it's just so hard. It's so hard when it's what I've been doing for almost half of my life. I know I have all of you… but I just don't feel so fulfilled… Because my sister hates me. And I know I could've done something to fix it but instead I mope around and let things be. It's not healthy, Bora. For me, and for you too… And I wouldn't want to pull you down…"
"Are you… are you breaking up with me?"
"I think so… I wanted you to come with me but you're now where you've been dreaming about. And I couldn't ruin all that just for me."
"Siyeon, you don't have to leave…We… We can fix things together… You know I would do anything to help..." Bora tried to hold her hand but Siyeon didn't let her this time.
"I think I have to, Bora."
"Siyeon, please. Think about it first."
"..."
"Siyeon-ah... please."
That night Bora didn't let Siyeon leave her side, hugging her tight, just lying on her bed. Siyeon sang her songs, trying to lull her to sleep but Bora tried her best not to, afraid that when she wakes up, there's no Siyeon anymore.
And she blamed herself for letting her sleepiness get into her. She felt the empty space beside her and saw nothing but a single ring they promised to never ever remove. And that’s when she let out all the tears she had been holding in since yesterday. She cried until her eyes went tired.
Funny how that day, she wasn't able to sleep when all she wanted was to never wake up ever again.
"I'll wait, Siyeon. I'll wait."
--- Dec 23, 2020 ---
Bora hugged herself tighter as the winter wind blew harder. She didn't care if Minji would follow her. There's just one thing in her mind and that's to see Siyeon. She walked faster as she saw the familiar glowing sign of the cafe.
There were a lot of people and she wasn't sure if Siyeon was even there. She tried to find the girl through the glass window of the cafe and there she saw her, seated on one of the tables, having a late night snack with her sister.
Siyeon was smiling, it wasn't a sad smile. No longing in her eyes. She was happy, glowing, like how she looked like when she sang on Bora's birthday. And Bora felt crying again. This time, the smile wasn't for her anymore. How she wished she's still in Siyeon's life. Hadn't they planned to build the cafe and manage it with Gahyeon one day? Siyeon made it. The only difference is it's not with Bora.
It felt like she could hear her friends' voices. Minji's voice. Everyone. Telling her that it's alright. It's alright to take a step, that she wouldn't regret it for choosing to move forward this time. Even though that step is one step away from Siyeon. It's alright , they say, It's alright she says. It took her a long time to let herself hear. All these time, she was trying so hard to block them.
And now that she thinks about it, their love wasn't enough. It wasn't the love Siyeon needed. And even if what they shared was a beautiful thing, Siyeon wasn't ready. It probably wouldn't have lasted, and they would end up hurting each other more.
Or maybe they really just weren't meant to be.
Her thoughts were racing, pushing and pulling her. Bora let her tears flow as she shivered in the cold. And it all stopped when Siyeon had met her eyes. Those eyes who remind her of everything. The very same eyes that could calm her heart.
Maybe it's time , Bora thought.
It's alright. As if it's what Siyeon would want to tell her.
For a moment the girl looked worried, not until Bora smiled and waved at her. Siyeon waved back, smiling brightly. She knew they still needed to talk but she couldn't just ruin the moment Siyeon had been wishing to have with her sister.
Maybe it's time to be free. Set siyeon free. Because that was all her heart wanted and Bora wouldn't be someone to keep it from happening. And herself too. Let herself be free from what has been haunting her. Maybe it's time to be free , she repeats. Be free and open her heart again.
She then felt someone put a thicker coat around her. And then a hand slipping on her own, warming her cold ones. Minji stood beside her, waving at Siyeon too. She could see her mouth a 'Merry Christmas' before turning to look at Bora. She couldn't ruin what she has right now.
Bora looked at their hands, intertwined, and she felt herself wanting to burst into tears again. She felt Minji tuck her hair behind her ear and lift her chin up, wiping the tears off her cheeks. Minji looked at her lovingly, as always. That's when it hit her. Or maybe that's when she finally let everything sink in. How Minji's eyes shine whenever she's looking at her. How Bora thought no other eyes could calm her heart other than Siyeon's. And then, there's Minji. Her Minji.
"I'm sorry. I wasn't thinking straight." Bora whispered, her teary eyes looking directly at Minji's. Her grip to Minji's hands tightened and she could feel the girl's thumb softly rub the back of her hand.
"It's okay, baby. It's okay."
And maybe soon, she's not afraid anymore, repeating to herself that Minji isn't someone who will leave. Because if she is, she could've done it months ago. But she didn't, because she didn't want to. And wasn't that what she begged from Siyeon? Yet she didn't beg minji. She didn't have to. And if you have that someone in your life, you wouldn't want to take advantage of them.
And that should be enough. She should be free to let herself move forward, happily take what she deserves. That this is what's meant for her. This is what keeps her living right now. What she knew she would want to keep living for. She’s living. And if living with Minji isn't such a blessing, she doesn’t know what else is anymore.
"Let's go home, Minji."
That's it. Together . She reminded herself.
No more, she said . No more looking back.
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