what makes her happy

Sterling was oh so in love.

She first realized it when she was fourteen.

Feeling a heat like no other in the middle of the snow, in December.

A few of the families from church, including the Wesleys and the Stevens, went to their annual ski trip. They would always stay for a week, what meant bonding time for everyone. Yay.

The blonde girl actually used to enjoy that.

It was so much fun when all of them were kids, young and dumb, making snowmen and throwing snowballs, laughing like there was no tomorrow and nothing would ever change.

They weren't worried about what their peers thought about them. Weren't worried that they would sound or look weird. And, most of all, weren't worried about kissing anyone.

At night, they could stay up late, and the best part, sleep together, in the kids section.

Sterling would always sleep with Blair, as they were joined by the hip, but as often as she could, she would invite April to their bed too. Blair didn't quite like it, but she knew that April was (for some reason she could not fanthom) important to her sister.

Luke, Ezequiel and Miles stayed in a different room for being boys. As if anything would ever happen between literal children. And Hanna B slept with either one of the other girls or April.

They were all pretty close, going to the same school and the same trips. But if Sterling had to name a male best friend, it would definitely be Luke. The boy was sweet, and they got along so well.

But that was a long time ago.

Now, being fourteen and entering high school everything had changed.

Everybody seemed so worried about… Well, everything.

The twins were excited for this new beginning, but concerned about living up to their childhood highschool fantasies.

Hannah B was the only calm one, still not seeming to process how her life was about to change.

But maybe that would forever be Hanna B.

April also seemed pretty calm, but Sterling knew better than to believe that façade. The short girl was just as worried.

The blonde could see it in just a glance, like always.

But she was also seeing other things with those glances.

Like, how beautiful April was.

Not that she didn't know it yet, it's just… Teenagehood looked good on her.

And so did the shirt she was wearing, and her hair, and her lips, and her smile, and her… Everything.

Why was her heart beating so fast for?

Why couldn't she get herself to look away?

Fuck.

Why, out of all people, had she fallen in love with her best female friend? A fierce christian, nonetheless?

It was overwhelming.

So she spent the rest of the week doing her best to avoid her. Which worked, kind of. They still slept together and talked about going to high school. Their fears and hopes.

And it was so fucking obvious why she had fallen in love with April.

It'd actually be weird if she hadn't.

So, Sterling can't say it was a surprise when Luke shyly told her he had a crush on April.

But it did make her heart ache, when she said that was great. When he explained his plan to make her fall in love with him. When they entered high school, with the blonde knowing she would lose April, even if she wasn't hers to begin with.

It almost seemed like Luke started a battle with her without knowing it, and Sterling could do nothing but watch him win, and hope that he would be the significant other April deserved.

But then, April avoided him every time.

She didn't seem to want to be with him like that, and Sterling could only hide her happiness and feel guilty about it.

The blonde hadn't lost her best friend.

On the contrary, they got closer.

And closer.

They started having more sleepovers alone and midnight walks, and they went stargazing, and read poetry to each other with funny voices, and sang their hearts out and…

And when they were fifteen, April kissed her.

It was movie night and they were cuddling. Blair had just gone to the bathroom.

Sterling couldn't remember the name of the movie or of the main character, because keeping her breath steady with April lying on her chest was so hard, but so worth it.

Yet, she couldn't help it all the time.

She worried this was one of them because of the way April looked at her.

"It's okay Sterl." The blonde reassured. "Mine can't seem to calm down either."

Sterling's eyes widened.

April was looking at her lips. Getting closer, putting a hand on her left cheek, which was now numb.

The blonde girl lost track of everything once their lips gently collided.

It was everything she never thought she would have.

Her mouth was warm and soft, and it sent all types of emotions to her whole body.

It was like fireworks, but more euphoric.

It was… Oh.

April pulled away.

"I'm sorry." Wait, what? "I'm so sorry Sterling. So, so sorry." The short girl got up gathering her things from the floor.

"Wait, April, slow down. What are you apologizing for? That was amazing." Sterling smiled, still confused.

"I can't do this." Her voice braked, breaking the blondes' heart.

Only then she realized it. Maybe Sterling could never really have April.

But when Luke told her April had finally accepted going out with him she became bitter.

It was unfair that Luke, whomst April definitely did not like back, could have it, and she couldn't.

It was unfair and it made her feel miserable.

So congratulating her friend felt fake. Smiling that whole day felt fake. And her friendship with April started to feel fake, which is sad, because she's the most real thing Sterling has ever felt.

They never talked about the kiss, yet, they all moved forward.

The blonde was now totally committed to avoiding the church, where she knew April would be.

She somewhat distanced herself from her friends, only keeping major contact with Blair and sometimes Miles.

Blair was worried, she knew Sterling was keeping things to herself, but whenever the older twin brought it up, the blonde would say there was nothing going on.

She could not let her sister know she was into April. It was just too weird. Not that Blair would ever be judgmental, but Sterling couldn't bring herself to even admit it out loud.

Besides, she knew April was dating Luke.

And she couldn't help but wonder if they also stargazed. If April also read him poetry in funny voices. If, when they kissed, it felt like heaven on earth for her.

And when those thoughts would cross her head, she would feel like crying.

But as long as April was happy, it was okay.

Right?

So she couldn't look her in the eyes when she walked down the hall, hand in hand with Luke.

She couldn't, because if April was giggling and looking at him like he meant the world to her, it would physically kill Sterling.

And if April didn't look at him like that, she would pick up the battle for the short girls' heart, and hurt everyone that meant so much to her in the middle.

It was a hard time.

On top of all that, Miles also decided, out of completely nowhere, that he was going to ask her out and make Blair mad at her.

She said no, of course.

Mostly because Sterling knows Blair is head over heels for the boy since they were ten, partially because she's not over April, and smally because she's not even sure if she likes boys.

Sure, some of them are super attractive, but she never felt what she feels for April. And boy, did some guys try.

But after she said no to Miles, they also grew distant, and Sterling was starting to feel lonely.

It's not like she didn't have all her church friends there for her, but she couldn't bring herself to be with them anymore.

Blair, in her attempts to figure out what was going on with her sister, was the first one to get it.

As the blonde did her best to avoid eye contact with April in one of their families gathering, it may have become obvious for anyone that tried to figure Sterling out. Even more for her twin sister.

So Blair called her to another room and asked what was wrong for the last time, ready to say she knew everything if the blonde girl tried to deny it.

Sterling didn't.

She was way too overwhelmed to lie again. To fake another smile.

To pretend that the girl she loved hadn't been kissing someone else right in front of her all night.

Sterling just cried, like she didn't allow herself to before.

She was a sobbing mess, and Blair was the only thing keeping her from falling on the ground.

"It's okay that you feel the way you do." Her twin kept reassuring. "I'm sorry that you had to deal with this alone for so much time. But I'm not going to let you shut me out again, Sterl. And I'm not going to let you isolate yourself anymore. Plus, I can maybe rough April up a bit."

And just like that, things started to get better. Of course, after Sterling made Blair promise that she would not in any way or form confront April about it all. Which was a struggle, but ended up working out.

They became inseparable again, and they were so good for eachother. Sterling had somewhat forgotten about that while trying to deal with everything alone. But with Blair it was just so much easier. Her sister knew a lot about feminism and heteronormativity, and assured her she was not a freak to like another girl.

They talked about everything, including Blairs' not-so-subtle crush on Miles. Sterling said, once again, that she should go for it.

It was the best thing that happened to her after the kiss.

Then, they were 17.

Seniors already, worrying about college.

April and Luke were still dating somehow, while Blair and Miles pretended that they weren't in love. They were, by the way, both of them told Sterling.

Some of her former friends, Hanna B and Ezequiel, weren't dating yet. Like the blonde.

But unlike Sterling, they didn't have to answer questions all the time about why they were still single. Mostly because people assumed they dated each other (even though Ezequiel is clearly gay).

Apparently, if you were mildly attractive, not having a boyfriend by now is some sort of crime. Even her parents seemed to want her to find someone already.

Well, not anyone.

A boy.

Because, definitely, being with a girl was out of the question.

Sterling could never like other girls, she was born and raised on a church. And she was feminine, and once told her mother Zac Efron is cute. When she was seven.

At least that seemed to make sense to everyone somehow.

If she didn't tell, they would never find out she was not exactly as straight as everyone thought. And that was okay, for now.

Especially when she started seeing this boy, Chase.

He was in her algebra class, and was always glancing at her.

It was cute. Chase was cute.

So they started talking, and suddenly, it was not just talking.

When Chase first kissed her, it was… Good. Yes, it was good.

But it was not what she felt when she kissed April. Not even close.

Still, it felt good to be a boy. It felt right, as long as her former best friend didn't cross her mind.

She was convinced she was bisexual, which was a bit of a relief.

And for a while, Sterling was truly happy again.

She had amazing friends, her sister, and an amazing, understanding, handsome, somewhat of a boyfriend.

The blonde even pondered coming out to her parents, thought she didn't follow through with it. Yet.

But in some not cold, neither hot, friday, she received a call, at 2am.

From someone who hadn't called her in a long time.

It was so sudden, Sterling just stared at the name on the screen for a few seconds before remembering to answer it.

"April?" She asked, still confused.

"Heyy, Sterl! Did I ever tell you your eyes are like the ocean?" April rolled her tongue. The church girl didn't seem very sober, which was odd. "Sometimes, I just want to divee in them, and never come back. Hic."

"April, are you drunk?" Sterling questioned, now worried. "Where are you? Where's Luke?"

"Luke? I don't know. He doesn't kiss me with sparkles like you, Sterl. I miss you." The girl continued, starting to sound on the verge of tears.

"Please April, I need you to tell me where you are so I can pick you up." The blonde insisted, grabbing her car keys and going towards the garage.

"I don't know where I am Sterl, but I wish I was with you. Even Miles get to be with you and I don't." April pouted. "Miles! Why is it that Sterling loves you more than she loves me?" She asked loudly.

"Miles is there?" Stupid April.

"Yess. He told me you would come too, so I came. But you weren't here, so I got sad and drank something that probably contained alcohol." Fucking idiot.

"I'm coming. Don't get out of the house, okay?" Couldn't she see it?

"M'kay Sterl. But when you get here, can we cuddle for some time? Then you can go back to hating me again." Sterling turned off the phone and started to drive to the Taylor residence.

How come April can't see that the blonde could never feel anything other than hopeless love towards her? Wasn't it fucking obvious?

She was mad.

Truly mad at April. Something she didn't think was possible for most of her life.

Sterling wasn't the type that got angry a lot.

Or at all. Specially with April.

She was understanding and calm, nothing could ever bother her.

That is, until now.

Now she was fucking pissed.

April, her best friend who she had a crush for the longest time kissed her, and it was amazing, and she left for a boy who could never be what she needed and deserved.

Just to, two years later, make a drunk call to the blonde saying she misses her and understands that Sterling hates her.

The blonde girl Fucking. Wishes. She could hate her.

It would've made everything so much easier for her.

Maybe she wouldn't have cried so many nights, wondering why April didn't love her back. Wondering if she ever even stood a chance. Wondering why she kissed her. Wondering if she was eating well and taking good care of herself.

Wondering if she was happy.

Sterling wishes she could hate her.

But truth be told, she's mad for all the times she denied herself the call April just did.

All those times in the middle of the night, when she wrote a book for a text talking about all she wondered and thought about, just to erase it and try to never look back again, because if April chose Luke, then Luke is making her happy.

And she simply could not interfere in the other girl's happiness.

She just never thought April would be crying because of her. If she was crying, the church girl wasn't happy. If she wasn't happy, Sterling could've made the call two years ago.

It was infuriating.

Sterling had to calm her breath once she got to Miles' house.

The blonde could clear everything up with April some other time, what matters now is making sure her former best friend is safe.

With that in mind, she entered the gate, already seeing some of her peers passed out on the grass.

Sterling didn't really go to this type of parties, even though Miles always tried to drag her to them. It just didn't fit her personality. Or April's, for the matter.

But she probably didn't know April that well anymore. So finding her would be something slightly hard.

Entering the house, it was like having a look at hell on earth.

Was anyone actually capable of enjoying this?

She was scanning the room for someone small wearing colorful clothes. Shouldn't be so hard.

Someone throwing up, people almost having sex, people hooking up, someone blacked out on the couch, Miles flirting with some girl, and…

Miles!

Miles could help.

Maybe.

He seemed drunk. But anyways.

"Hey, Miles!" Sterling called him, making the boy turn to her with a confused look on his face.

"Sterl? You came?" His confusion started to become a smile. "GUYS! SHE CAME!" He announced, and everyone sort of cheered, even though the blonde was sure none of them knew her.

"I came for April. Do you know where she is?" She asked loudly, hoping the boy would be sober enough to help.

"Ohh April! Yes, she said she was going to call Sterling" Miles grinned, getting closer to the blonde. "Don't tell her, but I think April is in loove with her!" He whispered, and started laughing.

Now Sterling was blushing.

When Miles was in his right mind again, she would definitely kick him.

That's not something you say about a girl who has a boyfriend! Which is also his friend, by the way.

Well, she would have to figure out where April was alone, apparently.

Or maybe, just maybe, she could use her head and phone to make a call, like a normal person, instead of forgetting about this resource.

Sterling got out of the house again, so that the noise of the party wouldn't overcome April's voice.

She searched for the blonde's contact, that was left untouched for so long.

Bringing the phone to her ear, she heard another one ring. April must be close.

So she started following the ring, and when the other girl finally picked it up, she had already found her, sitting under a tree.

"Sterl?" April asked with a small voice, which reminded Sterling of how she was when they were just kids. She still hadn't noticed the blonde standing a few meters from her.

"Hey, April." Sterling, feeling a little too much.

April looked so small.

Not that she was ever that tall too begin with, but still.

She didn't look like the portrait Sterling painted on her head to convince herself the other girl was better off without her.

"You came." It was almost a whisper.

It was shy and soft, sounding surprised and relieved. She looked a lot more sober than she sounded on the phone.

The blonde sat down besides her.

"I'm sorry for calling. But I guess this means that you don't hate me that much?" April questioned, not meeting the other girls eyes.

"Right now, I kinda do." Sterling answered, with a sight. That made the other girl curl up in herself some more. "Because you actually thought I could ever hate you." April's eyes shot up.

Sterling went quiet for some time, and the blonde looked at her like she couldn't for the last two years. She really looked at her.

Every little thing that changed and all that stayed the same.

Sterling looked as gorgeous as ever. As kind and calm and perfect.

She was so special.

"Can we still cuddle?" April asked, wanting to make this last a little longer.

She wishes it could last forever.

"Sure." Sterling said, putting her arms around the other girl, like she used to do when they first entered high school.

April wishes it could last forever, she really did. But forever would require way too much commitment, and she still wasn't ready.

And maybe this wasn't fair to Sterling, or to Luke, or to herself, but this moment was everything she longed for during those two years.

She wishes she was braver.

And at the end of the day, everybody wishes a lot, but nobody is actually willing to make it happen.

But the thing is, Sterling wasn't wishing for anything anymore.

While this was just another goodbye for April, she was willing to make it real this time. Because now she knew.

She knew she could make April happier.

And her happiness always came first.