STERLING can’t tell if she’s crying.
She probably is, given the circumstances, but she feels uncomfortably numb, not really knowing where she’s going as she sprints through the building. She runs and fumbles with locks and winds through hallways, farther and farther away from them, from him, from her.
She’s choking, sobs bubbling from her throat and her lungs are heaving, the image of April laughing at his stupid jokes and not hers searing her eyelids. April’s eyes, blank and impassive as if she didn’t look at her with adoration just yesterday, barely sparing her a glance.
(She spins on her heel too quickly, blinded with so much anger and hurt. She doesn’t get to catch the way April falters, just a little. How she hesitates and cracks for a second, her mouth open slightly like she wants her to stay.)
She’s almost at one of the exits now, passing rooms of students’ laughter and dodging closets of couples making out. More events from the past hour flash in her mind, and her breathing steadies for a moment when she remembers April’s crestfallen expression when she played their song. At least she got a reaction out of her, right? That had to count for something. Maybe this was some sick prank, and April was going to kick Luke out of their spot and laugh that beautiful laugh of hers and pull her in.
Sterling gulps down air, pausing. Maybe they were going to be okay.
Then she thinks of April turning back to Luke, giggling as he hand feeds her pizza, and she feels sick all over again.
Finally at the exits, she tugs at the chains uselessly, clawing with desperation. She pushes at the handles, begging for escape- she needs to leave, to go home and blast Slow Burn and bury herself deep underneath her covers. Waking up tomorrow would make this all a nightmare, wouldn’t it?
Sterling gives in to the fact that she’s in a lock-in and sinks to her knees, defeated. She’s so, so heartbroken and cried out, and she stays there, curled up in a ball and shaking. She doesn’t hear approaching footsteps and a jingle of keys, and the weight behind her back suddenly gives way and swings open.
She looks up to thank her saviour- God, Ellen, whoever it may be, for granting her some peace of mind. Her red eyes meet April’s, and then she’s cursing and running as fast as she can into the cool night.
Hugging her arms to her chest for warmth, she walks briskly ahead, with no idea of where to even go since she didn’t text anyone to pick her up. April is calling her name behind her, and she hates that she still loves the way she says it, all loud and daring and brave.
“Sterling!” she shouts, and fuck, her heart skips because of course her heart is betraying her. She grits her teeth and doesn’t turn around, nearing the bench.
“Sterling, wait,” April says, grabbing her arm and forcing her to face her. Sterling freezes, overcome with the familiarity and the grip of her touch. It was the other arm at the debate.
“Hey.” April loosens her fingers on her arm, and Sterling steps back in case she touches her again. She can sense her self-control slipping, and she knows she’d kiss her right there if she did.
“Will you sit with me?” April asks, no longer the cold girl who acted like she was nobody. There’s no sharp sting of words, so easily dismissing her to talk to him, and instead she’s shyer, pleading for her to listen.
Fine. It wasn’t like anyone was coming to get her. She didn’t have anything- anyone else to lose.
Sterling drops onto the bench, unable to meet her gaze, staring at her feet. April takes up the space next to her, and they sit in silence for a while, neither of them willing to speak first.
Sterling sighs, and just when she thinks her night can’t get any worse, it starts pouring, heavy rain soaking her pajamas and hair sticking to her face. The chill settles in her bones, droplets of salty tears and rainwater staining her cheeks. She leans forward, elbows propped up on her knees, and lets her tears get lost in the storm.
April sits beside her, shifting once every so often to wring out her hoodie and untangle her hair. She seems almost at peace in the rain, and it’s not drowning her whole like it is for Sterling, consuming her in her pain and heartache.
There’s a beat. Sterling swallows her pride and her sobs and she exhales, raspy and exhausted.
“What is wrong with you?” she blurts out, turning sharply to direct the question at her, much to April’s surprise. The girl stops stringing her fingers through her hair but doesn’t answer, and doesn’t face her, either. Coward.
“What was all that flirting with Luke?” Sterling knows it doesn’t mean anything. April isn’t known for her dating life- Sterling doesn’t recall any relationships she’s actually broadcasted at school , and she’s certain enough that she wouldn’t date a boy-man like Luke. She would be lying if she said it didn’t hurt, though. She and April hadn’t exactly put a label on what they were, but she thought they were exclusive enough to not go around flirting with other people. Was it to spite her, somehow? Wave it in her face that all that shameless affection could never be them?
April bites her lip and mutters a response, barely audible over the sounds of the rain.
“I’m not ready to come out,” she says, her voice cracking with apology. The keys twirl in her hands as she waits for Sterling to reply.
Sterling understands, she does. She wants to hold April close and tell her it’s fine, and that she’s not going anywhere. She doesn’t have to be ready now, and that they have all the time in the world. Wrap her arm around her and place chaste kisses on her forehead and say I’ve got you.
But she’s also having a shitty night and she looks like a mess and her favourite pajamas are ruined, so she whirls to her and snaps.
“I don’t get you,” she spits harshly, angrily wringing water out of her sleeve. April’s mouth falls open, taken aback, and the guilt prods at her to relax and tone it down. She shoves the guilt aside and barrels on anyway.
“What changed?” She’s tired, she really is. She misses kissing April in the arcade, kids chasing each other with laser guns in the background. She misses their random FaceTime calls and blowing kisses over the phone, a playful competition to see who would hang up first. She misses her so much and she’s right in front of her, and that’s what hurts the most.
“I… I changed my mind,” April says quietly. “It’s allowed.” She’s tired too, of hiding and repressed longing. Her father showing back up didn’t help matters at all, quelling what little rush of confidence she had left. She would’ve let Sterling sleep by her side. Maybe.
(Yes, she would have. Stuck it to her father and locked her pinky with Sterling’s in the dark.)
“But I thought we-” Sterling’s shattered, and she’s so close, hands reaching for hers and their knees touching. She’s inches away, and April can feel herself getting dizzy, rain buzzing in her ears and drunk on Sterling, Sterling, Sterling . She wants to kiss her, but her closeted instincts are screaming at her to push her back, to run back inside-
Sterling lunges forward like she did in their first kiss. April can’t breathe, and her heart leaps in her throat, the keys splashing in the puddle on the ground, and fuck, this is exactly how it happened and yet so wildly different. If she just tilts her head upward, slides her hand on her waist-
No.
This time, she leans away. Sterling draws back immediately and swears. April’s own steely resolve is breaking- one more second and she would’ve met her lips, seizing her by the collar.
“As long as my dad is my dad, I can’t be all… you know. Out there, sexually speaking.” April cringes as she explains, and Sterling just shrinks smaller into herself, the rejection clearly written in her eyes.
“I’m not asking you to headline a gay pride parade. I’m asking you to hold my hand at the lock-in,” she chokes out. “He would never even know.”
It’s so simple, what Sterling wants from her. April wants to give it to her, to take her out on dates and steal kisses from her at the mall. Sterling deserves to have someone that isn’t afraid to show her off, to proudly introduce her as their girlfriend and have that kind of beautiful relationship.
April can’t give her that, not now and not until she can leave home and be with more accepting people. It’s not her fault, but she feels like it is, and she just wants Sterling to put herself in her shoes for a minute.
“Rumours travel fast,” she scowls, frustrated. “I’ve had to hide who I am forever, Sterl. I can’t just change that on your whim.”
“What, they travel fast to prison?” she retorts. April purses her lips and shakes her head.
“He got cleared of his charges.”
Sterling’s eyes widen, and they hold each other’s gazes before April blinks and looks away. She wipes the tears and rain from her face and adds on.
“He’s home, and surprise, surprise, he’s not a big fan of the gays. I have to focus on my family, Sterling. Why don’t you understand that?”
Sterling speaks slowly, as if she’s not processing what April is saying. As if she didn’t hear the rest of her sentence at all.
“He… He’s out?”
“He’s got a lot of stuff he wants to explain. And he wants to… reconnect.” She hates that she cares for him, but he’s her father, and she values his input, most of the time. It wasn’t all bad memories with him, and they used to be close when she was younger. She wasn’t horrible for choosing to keep her family together, was she?
“He asked about you and Blair,” she continues, watching Sterling’s face twist into an unreadable expression. “Which was so random, considering we’ve been sworn enemies since the fifth grade, but it made me so freaked out that he heard something already.”
Sterling grimaces but says nothing.
“But I was probably just being paranoid,” she finishes, expecting some reassurance, but Sterling remains silent. The rain patters on the bench like a ticking time bomb.
“Oh,” she says at last, still not looking at her. April offers her a half-smile, hopeful and earnest.
“Maybe someday, though?”
“Maybe,” Sterling agrees, non-committedly. She’s shivering from the cold, and April would give her her hoodie, but it’s as soaked as she is and wouldn’t do any good. April laughs at the absurdity of their situation and how they had to have this argument during a rainstorm. Their relationship was unconventional from the start- it was a fitting end for them, she supposed.
“Can we head back to the lock-in to prevent either of us from getting pneumonia?” A lame attempt at a joke, but Sterling doesn’t acknowledge it. She picks up the keys from the ground and dries them the best she can, handing them to April wordlessly. Mumbling a thank you , she stuffs them in her pocket and stands up. Her slippers squeak on the pavement, and Sterling startles at the noise. She coughs to cover her amusement and stands up as well, rubbing the back of her neck gingerly.
“Don’t you have anything else to say?” April crosses her arms, mildly upset at how Sterling isn’t even trying to debate her and fight for her. Convince me, Sterl. Please.
She doesn’t. Heartbreak floods her veins and she sighs, her guard building up faster than it ever has.
“See you around then, Wesley,” she sneers, stalking off. The last name is a low blow, but she’s furious and unbothered and likely on the verge of a cold. She’s by the entrance stairs when an icy hand wraps firmly around her wrist, cooling the raging fire in her soul.
“April Stevens,” Sterling states formally, joining her in the warm doorway light. April tries to yank her arm away, but Sterling doesn’t let go, drawing her closer.
“What are you doing? ” she hisses, afraid that someone will come out and see them like this. It’s not a compromising position, really, but she can’t risk it. Sterling just smirks and drags them near the wall, into the shadows.
“Debating you,” she shrugs. “I don’t want a maybe someday, April. I want you for certain, now. I was thinking a lot earlier, and who freaking cares what your father thinks?”
April flinches and goes to protest. Sterling stumbles into the rest of her speech, not giving her the chance to do so.
“Why do his actions get to affect us? At worst, he’d assume we’re friends or whatever, y’know, heteronormative society and everything. Dang, that was a mouthful. I discovered that term after some research on the weekend, and whew, our society is so weird. We should love whoever we want,” she rambles.
April raises an eyebrow. Sterling blushes and squeezes her wrist.
“My point is, being with you has been the best thing in my life, and I’m sorry if you don’t feel the same, but it’s the truth. You’re all I think about, and kissing you is perfect. I love your hair and you’re so pretty, ” she sniffs. “I want to go with you to the movies and beat you at skee-ball. April, I lost you in fifth grade- biggest mistake of my life, by the way- and I can’t lose you again. I’ll never forgive myself for giving you away.”
“We don’t have to be public until you’re ready. I get it, I got you.” Sterling echoes the promises they made on their call, and April nods tearfully. They could do this.
“And I’m so sorry for pressuring you,” she says, bowing her head. “You didn’t deserve that.”
“I know, Sterl. I’m not going to take the negative and debate you in return. I’m so sick of us going back and forth and apologizing when we could be doing better things.”
Fuck her father, and damn the consequences. She’d deal with them later. For once, she’d let herself be brave. For Sterling.
And so April steps forward, slips her arm around her waist, and kisses her.
Sterling drops her wrist in shock, letting out a muffled gasp. She melts into it as her mind catches up to her, kissing her back harder, and she tastes of rain and pizza and home. April moves her hands up, weaving her fingers through Sterling’s wet hair, and the girl hums appreciatively, placing her hand on her neck. The rain is hardly a drizzle now, drumming lightly on their skin.
April pulls away first for some air, her eyes brimming with wild intensity. This girl would be the death of her.
“Come back,” Sterling whines, and April snorts, kissing her cheek.
“Ellen’s probably going mad looking for us,” she reasons. Sterling pouts at her.
“She’s a grown adult. She can handle a group of teens.”
“But I’m freezing,” she says, changing tactics. She’s craving the clean clothes in her locker and cuddling in her sleeping bag by the heater. Sterling frowns, adjusting her soaked sweater.
“Alright,” she replies begrudgingly, stealing another kiss. “You better have extra clothes for me.”
“Mmm, I hear the lost and found has some trendy options available.”
“If you subject me to those old, foul-smelling unwashed items, I’ll dump you,” Sterling threatens, nudging April with her shoulder.
“You made me follow you outside, so I should be dumping you, ” she teases.
“You flirted with Luke!”
“I’m gay! It doesn’t count!”
“It still hurt me, so it does!”
“Sorry, Sterl. I’ll make it up to you.”
Her hand brushes against Sterling’s as they walk inside, dripping water onto the floor. April focuses on keeping her breathing measured and she slides their hands together, lacing their fingers tightly. She’s grateful for the empty hallway, but the way Sterling smiles at her, beaming so wide her eyes crinkle at the corners, makes it worth it, she thinks.
“Hold on,” Sterling says abruptly, stopping them halfway down the hall. She tugs April into an open room and clasps both her hands, grinning.
“Blair was right.”
“Your sister? About what, exactly?” April doesn’t know Blair well, apart from how both she and Sterling are practically attached at the hip. She doesn’t seem to like her very much, always shooting her dirty looks in Spanish and glaring at her when she’s in her vicinity. April can’t say she blames her, from the previous ways she’s treated Sterling. Shit, she knew about them now. She’d have to find her eventually and have that awkward conversation.
“We talked about you, ish. She needed advice on what to do with Miles- I mentioned the breakup to you the other day- she loves him, a lot, which is new because Blair doesn’t fall for anybody, but he won’t talk to her, so...” Sterling shudders, imagining that very scenario with her and April. “It’s mostly my fault for bailing on her, and I feel awful about that, so I’ll talk to him myself if they don’t work it out.”
“Anyway, then she asked me if it was like, love , for me with you. I told her it could be,” she admits, burning pink. “I think I might be in love with you,” she says softly, breathless. April stares at her, at loss for words.
“Sterl.” April whispers her name, leaning in so their foreheads are touching. She says the next part in between kisses, lifting up her chin with her finger.
“I think,” she murmurs, pressing a kiss to her jaw. “I might be in love with you too.”