Chapter 3
After he dropped Erica off back at her house, he had wanted nothing more than to just pass out and leave worrying about the implications of his new situation for tomorrow, but his plan was quickly uprooted by a phone call from Ethan flashing across his screen right as he crossed the threshold of his bedroom.
“Hey, man, what’s up?” he answered quickly, happy to at least be getting a call from him, even if he knew it was probably just to ask about how things went with Erica. Which he didn’t really want to discuss, but he realized it was going to be unavoidable.
“Just calling to see if you might want to come hang out for a while. Sarah had to do something with her parents.”
Benny’s stomach turns approximately a hundred flips. Ethan hadn’t asked him to just hang out in over a week. Even if he kind of felt like he was being used as a back up plan to hanging out with Sarah, the offer had made him flush with excitement. The level of excitement he was feeling was a bit confusing, but he put it off as just missing Ethan and ignoring the notion that it could mean anything else.
“Yeah, sure, I can come over. Did you need help with the calc assignment or something?” He asked, doubt creeping in.
He knew he shouldn’t feel like this, like the only reason his own best friend would want to hang out with him anymore would be because he needed something. He knew how ridiculous he was, Ethan had only been dating Sarah a week, and he’d been chasing after her for three years, of course he was going to get completely wrapped up in her world for a while. But still, Benny couldn’t stop the dull pang of jealousy that gnawed at the edges of his heart every time he so much as imagined Ethan spending time with her.
“No, I’ve got that, I just figured you’d want to talk about how tonight went,” Ethan answered.
“Oh,” Benny sighed, the happy feeling he’d had only moments before quickly sinking. Of course that’s why. “Yeah, it was fine. It was good. We’ll probably hang out again, I don’t know.”
“Is everything okay?” Ethan pushed. Even if he’d been distant, he was still his best friend. Benny should have known Ethan would be able to tell something was off.
He makes a quick attempt to fix his tone.
“Yeah, totally. Everythings fine. We really did have a good time, honest. Thanks for giving me a push, man,” He lied through his teeth. “I'm just tired,” he added, yawning theatrically to sell the charade.
“You don’t have to come if you’re tired, dude. We can catch up another time if you want,” Ethan sympathized, sinking Benny’s spirits even further.
“Uh, yeah, that’s fine. Another time. I’ll see you at school tomorrow, then,” Benny replied, running a hand through his already unruly hair.
“See you, get some rest, okay,” Ethan said, his tone genuine.
Benny hung up, falling back onto his bed and tossing his phone to the side. He ran his hands down his face, an overwhelming feeling of exhaustion sweeping across his whole body. There was no elegant way to describe how much this sucked; having to pretend to be content with Erica for Ethan’s sake, so he didn’t worry, when all he wanted was to be able to go back to how things were before. He just wanted to feel normal again.
He’d always hated crying, but right now he was just far too tired to bother trying to stop.
He missed when feelings were simple, not so complex and overlapping. He wished emotions and relationships could be as easy as they were in the movies like the one he and Erica had just seen, where everyone says exactly what they’re feeling because they understand exactly who they are, and exactly what the people around them mean to them by the end.
He was now staring at a line in the sand between his certain jealousy over time that was being spent without him, and his potential jealousy of the exact context in which the time was being spent with someone who’s place he might wish he could take for just a glimpse of what it might feel like to be admired by Ethan.
________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
In a semi-desperate fit of loneliness the night before, Benny had texted Erica after wallowing in his own self pity for a while, and asked if she wanted to ride to school with him the next morning, and she’d agreed.
“Do we walk in together?” He asked as he pulled his car into his usual parking spot.
Benny and Ethan used to carpool every day in shifts, and the two parking spots they’d claimed as theirs were right in front of each other. There had not been a single day in the last two years that both of the spots had been full at one time until recently.
“Why does it have to be a big deal? Just because we rode to school together doesn’t mean we’re betrothed or something, God,” Erica moaned, climbing out of the passenger seat.
“Sorry, I don’t know,” Benny defended, following suit. “I’m just new at this, I’m not used to...being perceived with someone.”
“You and Ethan have literally walked in together every day for two years straight,” Erica pointed out, carefully applying lipstick as they walked with practiced ease. “Though, now that I mention it, a few people did assume you kind of had a thing.”
“Wow, Erica, that really does make me feel so much better, thank you-- thank you so much for that,” Benny remarked, sarcasm coating his entire demeanor as he opened up the door for them.
“Just buck up and walk inside with me. We’re friends, and people unfortunately know that we’re friends, nobody is going to care,” She promised, leading the way, expecting him to follow.
Ethan would care, though, Benny thought. He’d ask him a million questions that all had similar answers about it later, Benny was sure. But Erica was also right, it wasn’t that big of a deal, and this is what was best for everyone, he was going to have to get comfortable with it eventually.
He made a split second decision to rip off the inevitable bandaid and unceremoniously grabbed onto Erica’s hand.
“This okay?” He quietly asked.
“It’s kind of sweaty,” She observes. He goes to pull his hand away but she gives him an out of character reassuring squeeze. “But it’s fine. If you want to be ‘perceived’ with me, or whatever.”
Holding hands with Erica wasn’t awful, but it also wasn’t amazing. He felt perfectly neutral about it, actually. The only thing that was making him nervous is what other people might think. He knew Erica was way out of his league, and even if it was just for show, he knew there would be people thinking she could do much better. Which he knew, but it still didn’t feel very good to think about, even if he didn’t truly want to be with her for real.
As soon as they make it to Erica’s locker, they’re approached by Sarah.
“You guys were holding hands,” She commented, eyes wide in surprise. Which hurts Benny’s feelings much less coming from Sarah than it would from anyone else. “No offense but I didn’t really expect it to work out yesterday.”
“Maybe you’re not the only one with a soft spot for nerds,” Erica countered, punctuating her sentence by opening her locker.
“Hey,” Benny halfheartedly objected.
“Where is your other half anyway?” Erica questioned, putting her things away.
“He’s already in first period,” Sarah answered, not seeming to pick up onn Erica’s negative energy. “Hey,” she started again after a brief pause in conversation. “I’m happy you guys are hanging out more. I think it’s great.”
Benny could confidently say he knew exactly how Erica was feeling in that moment, like she was being pawned off to someone else for substitute attention while Sarah spent less and less time with her. And whatever guilt Sarah may have had about it gets brushed away with the knowledge that at least she’s got someone else to exist next to. Which is exactly why Ethan chose the condition that he did for their bet.
He reached down and squeezed Erica’s hand again. Not for show this time, but for comfort. She offers a quick pulse of gratitude in return.
“It is great. Less lonely,” Benny agreed, attempting to dissolve the ever thickening tension in the air.
“Maybe we should all go on a double date sometime! Maybe next weekend or something?” Sarah suggested.
Benny could sense that Erica was put off by the idea, and he had to agree with her.
“We’re just keeping it casual,” he blurted out. “I mean, we’re just having fun. No labels, whatever. But maybe! That sounds-- sounds like a good time,” he finished, stumbling over his words. Erica gave him a concerned glance from the side. Being a clumsy conversationalist was Benny’s version of playing it cool, and it was much easier to fake nonchalance for Sarah than it would have been for Ethan.
“Oh-kay,” Sarah responded, slightly suspicious. “I’ll see you guys later, then.”
Erica let out a deep sigh.
“You okay?” He asked, turning to face her as he adjusted his bag over his shoulder.
“Yeah, fine,” She huffed, closing her locker. “Things are just weird with Sarah. It’s like I don’t know how to even talk to her right now. Thank you, though, for getting rid of her, I guess.”
“I totally feel the same way,” Benny confessed. “I just get super clammed up around Ethan now and he can instantly tell, it fucking sucks. And it's no problem, you seemed uncomfortable and I just wanted to help.”
“We can help each other out then,” Erica suggested. “I’ll keep Ethan off your back, you keep Sarah off of mine.”
Benny felt bad about it, but he knew it would work, and he knew it would hurt less for him. Either way, he was stuck at a crossroads between not wanting to push Ethan away and make him think he was upset with him, or just avoiding the confusing jealousy he was feeling from watching Ethan give all his attention and affection to someone else by simply pushing him away as much as he could. The later option was much more appealing.
“Deal,” he responded, holding out his hand to seal the arrangement with a handshake.
As awkward as things were with Erica, he was mostly glad they’d ended up stuck together. The bond they had was unconventional, sure, but they were at least both benefiting from it, so neither of them had to feel like they were taking advantage of the other. And she wasn’t the worst person he could imagine himself stuck with. Maybe it wouldn’t be all bad; maybe they’d end up happy somewhere down the line. Maybe pretending to be okay would turn into the real thing, and they could just be.
It was a nice thought, but something about it still didn’t sit right with him. However, there were too many other things to worry about besides his weird emotional and physical detachment from whatever it was he and Erica had together.
Deep down, he knew the truth about why he was feeling this way, but accepting that truth would cut way deeper than the dull blade of denial.