There is smoke in the air, mixed with gas and gasoline, and the stench of the infected. You are running a big hall, dark and smokey and straight. There is no light and no windows but you know it's night and you're all alone, but you know someone is chasing you and If you don't turn the far corner in time, you will never see Joel again.
Then there are pools of dried blood, and screams of pain and pieces of brain on the floor, sticky and bloody and pulsing.
You wake up shaking and you know you were dreaming, but it doesn't matter. The blood was real and the screams were real and the pain was real and Joel's skull being smashed smashed smashed was real.
(It was all real and you are shaking).
Dina is lying asleep next to you, dreaming her own nightmares, tossing and turning and mumbling something about fire and something about Jesse and something about you. her sleep is as disturbed and as unsettled as yours. She, too, is dreaming about old wounds and dead family and she, too, is reviewing her shortcomings, harsh and unforgiving and permanent in the dark dreadful land of dreams.
You're still shaking and shuddering, the dream sticks stubbornly to the insides of your eyelids. You put your arms around yourself and curl into a ball. You can still feel the cold air from the imaginary corridor and you can still smell the blood and the gas and the stench of the infected.
(You hug yourself tight tight tighter).
The night is still deep and you've still got a couple of hours till dawn. You can't go back to sleep, so you just lie there and think about all the good in your life. You think about the good and you make a list of it. It's a nice list and it helps you calm down.
(You think about Dina, her soft hands and her crooked smile and her dark dark sinful eyes when she's about to kiss you. You think about Dina, her rough palms, and her soft lips and the way she sways her hips when she knows you're watching).
(You think about JJ and his small hands. You think about the way he grabs your shirt when you lift him in your arms and the way he searches for your hair with his tiny tiny soft fingers, and the way he tries to mimic the way you strum the guitar. You think about JJ, the way he's starting to crawl, and how soon he'll be running around and how tiring and amazing it is to see another human grows).
(You think about this place, about the work with the sheep and the cows, about the mountains of laundry and dishes, about how every day it seems to be needing a sweeping and cleaning. You think about hunting and what Dina has taught you about the upcoming holiday, which you cannot remember the name of).
(You think about Dina Dina Dina. You think about her skin and her flesh and her form. You think about her brilliant brain and her stupid jokes and her voice, breaking and quivering and missing the right key, a voice that can't hold the right tune not for all the gold in the world, singing beautiful songs in hunting language you don't understand).
You sit and hug yourself tightly and think about all the good you have in your life and you think it should be enough. It should be enough. It should be enough.
You curl tighter and try to think of only the good things.
(You have more than you need, more than enough. You have Dina, beautiful, smiling, honest Dina and you have JJ, small and happy and full of light, and you think about them as hard as you can).
You're still shaking. You can see the moonlight through the window. Next to you, Dina stirs again. her muscles tense and she makes a whimpering sound. You put a gentle hand on her shoulder and at the contact, her body goes slack. She sighs and moves, turns her back to you, still dreaming, now a small smile stretching her swollen lips.
You stand, and your legs are unsteady. You walk to JJ's room and watch him sleep in his crib. His sleep is peaceful, the sleep of a happy baby, unlike you and his mama. You watch him for a while, run your fingers through his thick black hair, and you think that if the opportunity presented itself, you would kill half of the world's population to make sure he is safe and sheltered and happy.
(You think you're going to do everything in your power to make sure JJ will never go through what you went through).
The thought brings back old old old memories and you think about Joel and you think about Tess and you think about Sam and Henry and Riley and your mother.
(Tears well you're eyes when you think about Riley. You still remember the sound of her voice, confident and strong and reassuring. She told you "For every second we get to spend with each other" and it pains you to think how fucking disappointed she would have been had she known you spent years and years being angry at Joel and now - )
(Now you will never see him again).
You don't cry. Instead, something turns in your stomach at that thought and you walk to the bathroom, swaying like a drunk. You open the door and you fall to your knees and you crawl to the toilet and you are so violently sick you wonder if you'll be able to catch enough breath to not choke.
You are sick again and again and again. When the episode is over, your face is stained with tears of pain and panic and you scramble to your feet and clean your mouth and throat and face in front of the sink.
When you're done, you just stand there, leaning against the stained marble. The mirror is calling you and you haven't looked directly at your own reflection for quite some time, so you raise your eyes. (You do it very carefully as to not accidentally look yourself in the eye) (you're not ready just yet). Slowly, you start observing your body.
Joel would be very very (very) disappointed, you decide. Disappointed and angry and sad.
You look nothing like yourself. Your body is tough and rough and skinny and muscular, built all wrong, all hard bones and hollow spaces and sharp edges. You've never looked this tough in your entire life and the reflection seems too thin and too wrong. It's not the healthy kind of thin. It's a horrible horrible look and It's no wonder Dina started to make a point of cooking all your favourite dishes lately.
You look terrible.
You are all bone and flesh and muscle and you are nothing soft and everything angry. The veins on your arms are popping, blue and mean and ugly. your stomach is hallow, your hipbones are sticking out and your cheeks are bony. The thin layer of fat you had about you is all gone. You look less like a human being and more like a skeleton and you hate the person standing in the mirror.
You take a deep breath and challenge yourself to look into the deep green of your eyes. You know what you will find there, but you still would like to try.
You look at the base of the mirror and start to move slowly up. You see your chest and your collarbone and the base of your neck (like the rest of you, they are too skinny and too muscular and too bony for your liking). You are sunburned from working outside on the farm and your skin is a sad angry ugly map of cuts and scars and bruises that you never wanted to have.
You take a deep breath and continue to ascend. You see your throat and the curve of your chin and cheeks. You see your chapped lips and the new scares around them. You see your nose, no longer swollen, but still very much damaged. You see the area beneath your eyes. It has bags, but they are not the angry of war, not the black of violence, but the green and yellow and a little purple of healing and of exhaustion.
You see the white of the eyes, sprayed red, and then
Then the pale green of your eyes.
(You take a deep breath).
Your eyes are right there and you hold your own gaze for the first time in a long time and it's just green and there is nothing monstrous or scary or hateful about them. There is no fire and no light. There is no anger, no pain, no hurt. They are green and pale and deep. They are the same colour they've always been and you're not sure what were you expecting, but your pained soul is not reflecting at them. The fact that you know the thoughts behind those eyes doesn't project on the surface.
You stare and shake your head and then lower your eyes to the sink. You let it come like a wave and it comes fast and angry. the rage and the shame and the horror all fuse together and you can't do anything about it. You let it wash you in one great wave and then you take a deep breath (and then another and another). You clench your jaw. You squeeze your fists.
You breathe breathe breathe.
It's all in your head, just like the dreams and the the screams and the rising suffocating panic. Nothing is real, it's just colour and flesh so you turn around and go back to bed.
//
You can feel Dina being awake even before you enter the bedroom. The air changes, pricks and vibrates, becomes heavier.
She's sitting in bed, hair a tangled mess from restless sleep, eyes puffy and mouth swollen. She has a crease on her cheek from the bedsheets and her tank top has moved a little and you can see a hint of dark pink nipple.
Seeing Dina like this, disoriented and sleepy and lost, sitting on the bed, rubbing slowly at her eyes while she lets the reality of the waking world settle in around her, makes a hot spike of desire rise in your belly.
(These few passing days have been a little hectic and a little crazy and a lot chaotic and you had so much work to do around the farm, you could barely stay awake long enough to feed JJ and put him to bed. On top of the farm work, you were hunting and repairing some damage to the fence around the farm so at the end of the day, sweaty and sometimes bleeding and very very tired, you found yourself kissing Dina a chaste goodnight kiss and falling asleep for a few blessed hours).
Now you are looking at her with all the lust and desire and want you gathered through a whole week of not touching her and you're having trouble restraining yourself.
"Hey." She says when she sees you standing at the door. Her voice is rough with sleep and it does nothing to your overwhelming desire of fucking her.
You swallow hard. "Hi".
"Did JJ wake you up?" she sounds concerned and tired and you attempt to smile softly at her, even though you don't feel very soft at the moment.
"No, no. He's fine. Sound asleep".
Something in Dina's eyes change. She's fully awake now and she's watching you carefully. Her expression becomes less soft and less sleepy and a small flame dances in her deep deep dark eyes. You know this look and you know what it means and you keep your feet planted on the floor.
She licks her lips. "Then come back to bed." She says and somehow those five words sound so so dirty, you almost whimper.
(Dina is looking at you and her breathing is labored. The fire in her eyes grow hotter and needier and bigger).
"You come here." You say and your voice is much less steady then Dina's. she makes a guttural sounding groan and slides off the bed.
(You find it hard looking directly at her. She makes your stomach turn and your heart bit faster and your mouth water. She makes you feel good, like the demons in your closet doesn't mean anything, like you're strong and calm and warm and safe with her. she makes you feel nervous and brave, she makes you feel wanted. She makes you feel loved).
You smile a tiny, nervous smile.
(Unlike you, Dina looks beautiful. She's so so so beautiful. Healthy and curvy and so fucking hot you almost go to your knees with the intention of worshiping her like a goddess. Even like this, with sleep in her eyes and messy hair, with a swollen nose and in nothing but a tank top and a pair of underwear, she's more beautiful than anyone you've ever seen and you're so in love with her it hurts it hurts it hurts your chest).
(She's clean and sparkling. Her skin is flushed, her smile radiant, her body aglow. The light of life in her eyes is captivating and so so lovely).
Dina presses into you. Her hips push against your hipbones and her hands fly all over you, hot and wanting and full of desire. Her fingers are trembling and her palms are dry and she's tugging at the hem of your shirt before you crook your neck and catch her lips with your mouth.
The kiss is everything you've been waiting for and you melt into it. Dina's lips are warm and soft and her tongue is burning the inside of your mouth.
"Hmm…" you say. "Hmm." Because you want to let her know how she makes you feel (you need her to know and you need her to know now) but you can't stop kissing her. You won't stop. Not now.
Dina's arms envelop you. She kisses you, wraps you in her arms, and holds you while you shower her neck with wet kisses. She holds you strong and she holds you tight and she holds you so fucking lovely.
She's whispering in your ear. "God, I missed you".
"I missed you too".
Her hands are roaming all over your body, from your waist to your breasts to your shoulders and cheeks.
"I missed kissing you." She says and She's cupping your face, kissing you hard and deep and needy, teeth biting into your lower lip and tugging tugging tugging.
"I missed touching you".
You let her kiss you with an open mouth. Her tongue danced across the flesh of your face and you close your eyes and pull her closer to you. Her hands are running everywhere at once and you grope her chest and you touch her neck and you hold her face and you can't find enough words in English to express how you feel right now.
She's staring at you, raw and beautiful and panting.
You say "I love you".
You say "I love you".
You say "I love you".
Dina goes wild in your arms. Her lips find yours and she moves her mouth down your throat and to your now exposed chest. She kisses down your stomach, then the line of your underwear. She isn't soft and she isn't slow and her hands are strong and rough against your flushed skin. She's hot and wanting and needing and she's kissing strong and she's kissing hard and she kisses holy and her kisses make you wet and nervous and crazy.
(Her kisses are hot and spiking a white stinging want between your legs).
You stand and you hold her tight. Her body is hot against the exposed flesh of your chest. Her breathing is labored, deep, and heavy. She smiles, bright and wide, and full of life. You can't look at her for long, because she's so beautiful and so bright and so full of life, so you learn and you kiss her a long sweet slow kiss that has nothing to do with the urgency and the need inside you.
"I love you." You say in a deep and thick voice you barely recognise and then the time for tenderness is over and your need and want and desire are burning a hot white consuming flame.
(The time for tenderness is over).
You wrap your arms around her and tumble to the bed. You take advantage of her confusion and straddle her, fast and without any talking.
(You don't need words for this).
Her arms circle around your waist and you duck and you press your lips to her and you start tracing her body with shaking shaking shaking hands. Dina giggles and moans and you press yourself to her lower stomach and you know she can feel how wet you are.
It's quick and lovely and a little awkward, the way you fumbles with her tank top and her underwear but they are off and you kiss her throat and you kiss her nipples and you kiss her belly and Dina's back arches, her chest pressing into your and you kiss and suck and bite every exposed piece of flesh you can find.
(Dina's head falls back against the pillows. When you suck a nipple into your mouth she moans and whimpers and says your name and 'please" and 'fuck' and 'c'mon' and 'Ellie' and 'Ellie' and 'Ellie').
You are kissing kissing kissing every inch of her body. You kiss her with lips and tongue and teeth. You kiss her with attention and intention and love. You kiss her until she bucks her hips and calls you names and groans impatiently.
"Shh," You smile into her skin. "You're going to wake JJ".
"Shut up," she answers and it's not her usual witty reply so you laugh a little.
"That was so sad I'm almost tempted to stop," you tell her because you're you and you can't miss an opportunity to tease her.
Her reply gets cut off when you tug her underwear down just enough and press your mouth against her clit.
You open your mouth and flick your tongue and a long, drawn-out moan falls from her lips. You reach up and press your palm against her mouth, drag your tongue through the length of her and you feel the vibrations of her moans, her silenced screams and you can do this all night.
(Your own pulse drops to throb between your legs and her taste is flooding your mouth).
Dina flungs her arm up above her head, clinging into the pillows. Her other hand is gripping a fistful of your hair.
Her hips twitch upward with each stroke of your tongue, and when they jerk up against your mouth hard, you look up and it's a mistake because her head is thrown back against the pillows, her dark eyes are shut tight and her tanned skin is flushed and sweaty and beautiful.
You grab her waist with curled fingers, pushing your short nails into her skin.
Her moans increase in frequency and increase in pitch and the movements of her hips are more deliberate and more frantic and much stronger and she shudders and she shakes and she whimpers your name like a fucking prayer.
(She says 'oh god' and 'Ellie' and 'fuck' and 'fucking fuck' and 'Ellie' and 'Ellie' and 'Ellie').
You push two fingers inside her, and she's clamping around you, her body shudders and her eyes squeezed shut in raw pleasure and her fingers tighten their grip on your hair and she is coming hard she's coming fast she's coming with a wordless scream behind your palm.
You wipe her from your lips and you put your head on her lower stomach. You are exhausted and turned on beyond belief and you're spent. The muscles of your arm are sore and aching and your body is flushed. You want her to touch you and you want her to make you scream and you want to just stay like this, your head on her and her taste in your mouth and the smell of sex around you.
Dina is smiling a dopey kind of a smile and flips you over. She is still panting and breathing hard and there are tears of joy and pleasure and exhaustion in her eyes.
She kisses you. She kisses you hard and without words. She kisses you strong and she kisses you stupid and you let.
Then her eyes clear and brighten and she's no longer smiling her soft silly smile, but she's smirking at you and her pupils are blown and she stares down at you hungrily and the throb between your legs overcome your exhaustion.
Her fingers squeeze around yours once and she rests her forehead against yours, pressing her fingertips against your wet clit, circling a few times, and then she drops them lower and pushes them into you abruptly.
"Ahh!" you toss your head back. Moan out a long ragged sound and you think you say something, but you don't know what because her fingers are filling you and you're whole you're whole you're whole.
She keeps pumping her fingers in and out in and out in and out, curling them and pulling deep guttural moans out of you.
You let out an endless stream of (low) gasps and whimpers and moans. It's broken kinda sounds and Dina is talking a steady stream of words into your ear, in at least two different languages, then what you think is Hebrew, and she is driving her fingers back into you and wipes her thumb across your clit and you really don't need anything else to come.
Your toes curl and your fists squeeze tight and you bite your lower lip hard enough to draw blood. You start shaking, coming on her hand, and you think you can hear yourself saying her name.
When she slides her fingers out, your body is relaxed and boneless against the mattress and you have a post-orgasmic smile on your face.
Dina wiped sweat from her brow before she buries her nose in your neck, laughing quietly.
"Hi." She says.
"Hi." You answer and wrap your tired arms around her hot shaking body, pressing her small frame into you.
And it's not perfect, because you can feel the demons already creeping at the back of your mind. You feel the dreams clouding your happiness and you still hate yourself (you hate yourself even with Dina kissing you and touching you and making you come).
But for now, there are no dreams and no blood and no screams.
(There are no memories, no hatred, no demons).
Now you have Dina in your arms and she sneaks her palms under you and she presses you close close closer to her and you breathe her scent and you're (almost) happy.