Ellie stepped into the run down music shop and stopped for a moment to listen. It was completely quiet, only the sound of her own breathing could be heard. This one looked much like the others, broken instruments strewn all over, records and CD’s in complete disarray falling off lopsided shelves. And just like all the times before, the memories of her singing to Dina at the bonfires in Jackson, the music shop in Seattle, the farmhouse, they hit her like a tidal wave. She was instantly pulled below the surface, plunged into the black abyss where she’d buried all of those feelings when she left. Every music shop that brought on more memories carried with them more doubt about what she was even doing here.
The sun would be setting soon, and this was as good a place as any to stay for the night. As she moved around the shop she could hear faint noises coming from behind a barricaded door. The low shelf that had been shoved against it was heavy and she pushed it away as quietly as possible. With her switch blade in hand she slowly turned the handle and opened the door to a dark room with no windows. It was a complete contrast to the light filled store at her back.
She flicked on her flashlight and let the door close quietly behind her. Steel shelving units loomed overhead, filled with boxes of various sizes, the floor littered with broken objects all covered in dust. The sound of a distinct shuffling could be heard to her left. Slowly making her way around the shelves she was relieved to see it was only a clicker. Sneaking up behind it was difficult with all the debris spread across the floor, but she managed to stay quiet enough to take out the unsuspecting infected without much hassle.
Once the room was completely quiet again Ellie started searching through the boxes. Besides taking a few packages of guitar strings there wasn’t anything else she had a need for. The door swung open and landed with a loud thud against the shelf she’d moved earlier and she continued her walk around the store.
…
The Sick Habit stared back at her, like it was taunting her. Like this inanimate object knew all her secrets, and she found herself trying to crawl out of the depths of her memories once again. Out of all the music stores she’d stopped in, this was the only one she’d seen this album, and she felt like time itself had picked her up and dropped her right back into Valiant.
“I was only listening to it because I thought you were cute.”
She could swear she heard Dina say it from right behind her. The hairs on the back of her neck pricked up. Her brain screamed at her feet to move, to run, to be anywhere but here. The only reason she kept coming into these places was to find a gift for JJ. A small guitar, one she could eventually teach him to play on, like she promised she would. It was her remaining connection to Joel, one she could pass on to JJ so he could remain connected to her even after her own inevitable demise.
…
She didn’t know how long she’d stood there staring into nothing, but the space around her was dark when she came to. Moonlight was casting eerie shadows around the room and it reminded her of the first few nights she’d spent in Jackson. It was too quiet and everything was too still, so still her imagination conjured up anything that could lurk in the dark corners. The lack of danger had always felt scarier. Being alone with just her thoughts wasn’t something she’d ever grown accustomed to, so she journaled to stop herself from bottling everything up inside. She made her way back to the windowless room and set herself up as far away from the dead clicker as possible.
Her journal was now filled with sketches of Dina and JJ, sometimes Joel, but she still couldn’t draw him completely. The day had been exhausting, so she absentmindedly sketched whatever came to her. Winter in Jackson, a place she’d felt perpetually trapped since that day. Despite the sticky heat of California there was a chill that lived deep within her bones. Like she’d laid in a snow bank so long it seeped into her, a permanent part of her anatomy, freezing her from the inside out. But as she continued, she realized it was Joel’s house, with a lit Christmas tree in the window. A speck of warmth. A small space of light that still existed somewhere within her, though the view was looking from the outside in. Something she couldn’t reach, or wasn’t allowed to have. Her eyes began to feel heavy, so she settled into her makeshift bed and did her best to let sleep overtake her.
…
Dina’s laughter carried over the crowd of dancing bodies, accompanied by that way she threw her head back with sincerity. It was one of Ellie’s favorite things about Dina, how animated she was, especially when she found something amusing. It was a reaction Ellie strived for when they spent time together. Dina was one of the few reasons Ellie still stayed in Jackson, despite her desire to leave and start over. Find a new place to belong.
Her heart beat faster at the sight of Dina walking up to her. She’d barely noticed that the smaller girl grabbed her drink and downed it in one sip, not that she’d have stopped her anyway. The little blissful world she was building for herself with Dina’s attention was toppled when Jesse’s voice broke through, and the tension in the air was immediate. Thankfully Dina had pulled her away quickly, but then she found herself on the dance floor.
It wasn’t like she’d never danced with Dina before, but something felt different tonight. For once she was totally aware of all the eyes on them. Maybe because Dina was single, or maybe because she was choosing to spend a slow song dancing with Ellie. The reason didn’t matter much, but tonight Ellie felt like they were under a thousand microscopes. Everyone’s eyes honed in on them like they were somehow the most fascinating thing anyone had ever seen.
Subconsciously she knew there were words leaving her lips, and words being spoken into her ear, but none of it really registered. And then Dina pulled away, said something about them being terrified and tucked a strand of Ellie’s hair behind her ear. After that all she could hear was her own heartbeat. Like her heart and eardrums synced together, beating as the loudest sound in the room as Dina inched closer, and then complete silence as their lips met. It was like Dina had shattered everything inside her that was always making noise.
…
Ellie left the music shop early in the morning, before the abandoned roads of California would heat up beneath the blazing sun. She found herself less motivated after her dream the previous night. All she wanted was to be home, but now she didn’t know where home was. She’d broken the world they were building together when she left. She wanted to finish what she’d set out to do and get back to them as soon as possible. Back to where her world was only Dina and JJ. And if they weren’t there when she returned, she’d wander aimlessly until she found them again. So she walked in the direction of the coast, despite everything in her telling her to just turn around and go back before her home became the open roads that lay out before her.