I love you, I'm sorry
Lily’s pov
The last few days have been…interesting, to say the least. Ever since she and Mary came back from the wedding, which five days ago, they have done little talking. Very, very little talking.
Being currently unemployed, Lily wakes up everyday in Mary’s bed to her alarm, kisses her cheek and goes back to sleep in the comforting scent of jasmine and watered roses. Then, around noon, she wakes up and studies for a little while, if waiting for Mary to come home like a lost puppy with her books opened around her counts as studying, and when, finally, around five thirty, Mary is home, well. They exchange a few pleasantries, ‘how was your day?’, and strip off their clothes without much more conversation.
They’ve gone eight years without doing this. More than five looking at the other, wondering how they taste like. They have a lot of catching up to do.
Then, they spend the evening in bed. In between orgasms, they order food, with which they take two mouthfuls and get back to it, if only under the excuse that the slight dribble of sauce at the corner of Mary’s mouth was just too delicious not to taste. And then, well. Mary and Lily disappear under the covers for a few hours again, until Mary declares it too late and goes to sleep. Lily watches her for an hour or two, examining the rise and fall of her chest, listening to her breath escape her nose, and sometimes, Lily will find herself sighing wistfully, yearning.
It's on the 3rd of July, after a particularly long night of yearning and longing that she decides that it’s been too long. They have to talk about it, they have to make things clear. And even if the scary possibility of breaking the bubble of want and lust is still hanging in the air, it’s a risk Lily is willing to take. Because in all the newfound ways of finding time to spend with her best friend, she misses how it used to be before.
She misses Mary’s gossip, her laughter and her stories. She loves her body and her sweet sounds, of course, but it’s not all she loves. And she misses the Mary she fell for initially.
So, when the door opens that day around six, Lily doesn’t jump from the sofa to strip off Mary’s clothes. She stays there, seated, staring at her best friend entering the flat, and she smiles.
“Hey.” She greets, then clears her throat. It feels tentative, and awkward. It’s like Lily forgot how to interact with her in the last five days they haven’t talked in voices.
“Hey?” Mary smiles back with a curious expression, “I-What’s up?” she asks, when she realises that Lily isn’t standing up.
“I think we should talk.” Lily winces as she says it, because it sounds way too formal and almost like bad news, and she sees that it’s exactly how Mary takes it. Indeed, Mary’s smile and shoulders drop, and she nods repeatedly with pursed lips.
“I get it.” She says, holding up a hand to stop her, “I-five days, and the spell wore off. It’s fine, don’t worry about it.” She smiles tightly and goes to walk into her room, but Lily calls out her name before she enters it.
“No, Mary. It’s not that.” She states, and Mary turns to look at her, “It’s just, we haven’t talked about it.” She declares, staring at Mary. She stands up and walks over to her, “Since the wedding, I mean, I’m not saying I want to stop, because I don’t, but I’m still confused. I want us to be on the same page.”
“I-really?” Mary asks, and Lily nods, “Fine, but we’re getting pizza. I’ve been craving it today.”
Lily chuckles and calls the pizza parlour before settling on the sofa next to Mary. She had the whole night and day to figure out what to ask, so she doesn’t lose time trying to find her words. Mary is just waiting there on the couch for Lily to start, even if she is sporting an apprehensive look on her face.
“Okay, so I guess, first, I mean, at the wedding, you talked about a lot of things I didn’t know anything about, and I guess I just wanted to ask if you meant them, or if it was part of the act.” She asks, and Mary cocks her head to the side.
“Things like what?”
“Well, I mean, nothing to do with us, but you talked about racism. I-you never talk about it. I didn’t even know you had to deal with it.” Lily admits, and Mary chuckles.
“I-Lily, I’m black. Of course I have to deal with it.”
Lily pauses and chuckles, “I mean, yeah, but I don’t know, you just never talk about it. I just figured you got lucky or something.”
Mary looks at her with amusement in her eyes and smiles, “I mean, I am lucky. I don’t have to balance between two cultures or suffer through the societal setback that comes with coming from immigration. But, you know there’s still systemic racism.” She shrugs, chuckling at Lily, “You know I figured we’d be talking about us right now.”
Lily chuckles back at her, “Yeah, I know, it’s just-there’s a lot that surprised me at the wedding, and that was one of them.”
“Wow, I’m really full of surprises these days.” Mary chuckles, “Go on, what else shocked you?”
“I wouldn’t say shocked.” Lily rolls her eyes, “It was just that little thing you said, you know.” She preambles, not quite knowing how to approach the subject, “About your sexuality.” She ends up saying, and stares at Mary, “I thought you were straight.”
Mary snorts, “Still think so?” she asks, with a nod to the door of Mary’s bedroom, where a lot of very non-straight things have happened.
“Maybe not.” Lily chuckles, “But, can you explain? Please? I need to understand what was a lie for the sake of us fake dating and what was the truth.” She asks, and Mary nods slowly.
“You might not like it.” Mary declares, and Lily nods.
“Maybe. But it doesn’t matter.” She says, and Mary takes a breath. Then, she tells Lily the tale with an even voice as if she’d been practicing beforehand. Maybe she had been. Lily has practiced her own story before.
“I realised I was bi around the time Marlene came out to us.” She explains, “She told that to us, and I just started wondering for myself. Because I’d never really thought about it before. And the idea just whirled around my head for a while, until one day, well.” She chuckles to herself with continues with a guilty grin, “I kind of saw you topless, and, I mean, we were kids, but I still thought, ‘oh yeah, I like girls’.” She explains with a laugh at the end, and Lily feels herself blushing.
“I feel weirdly flattered.” She laughs along with Mary, who continues her story.
“So, I still went out with guys, because I figured that even if I thought you were pretty and I wanted to kiss you sometimes, well. You were straight anyway, and I wanted to have fun.” She explains, “Then, you know, you went out with Snivellus, and I went out with so many guys during that time, and I slowed down when you broke up, and I mean, it’s stupid, but when you got with James I restarted going out with as many dudes as I could.” She shrugs with a smile, “I don’t really know why, I guess I just wanted to be with someone if I couldn’t be with you, and someone became just anyone I could get my hands on.”
As she explains, Lily starts feeling like shit. She had no idea that Mary’s feelings had gone this long. Attraction and lust, yes, because Lily had felt it too, but feelings? Lily feels bad for not realising, and not reciprocating them sooner.
“And after you broke up with James, and we said we’d live together, I mean, I knew I was in love with you, had been for ages, really, but I thought it wouldn’t matter. That it would go away after a while. That you’d be with another guy, and I’d realise it would never happen.” She shrugs, “Of course, it didn’t go away, but well. I could have foreseen that.” She concludes, her eyes fixated on the couch, not looking at Lily. She’s either ashamed or waiting for the hammer to fall, and Lily just takes a minute to process this.
Mary, her absolute soulmate, had been in love with her for years. She’s had to watch her go from relationship to relationship, without being able to do anything. Lily can’t believe it.
In her mind, Mary was straight. No other possibility. And maybe, what they were doing was just her experiencing. It would be okay; Lily is experiencing too. She has no idea what she’s doing half the time.
“I didn’t know.” Lily whispers, and Mary’s eyes snap up to look at her. She’s scared, Lily realises, so she takes her head, “I’m sorry.” She apologises, and realises it’s the wrong thing to do, because Mary’s eyes start to spill.
“It’s fine.” She shrugs, still with tears falling from her eyes, “I understand if you don’t want to be friends or anything anymore.”
Lily frowns at her and takes her cheek in hand, “No, Mary. I’m sorry I didn’t realise before.” She specifies, “It must have been hard to see the person you love be in relationships with other people.”
Mary shrugs, “I lived with it.” She says, and Lily knows it was hard. She hates herself for it.
“I-I’m not straight, Mary.” She disclaims, and Mary chuckles as she dries the tears off her face.
“No shit.” She rolls her eyes, “No straight girl eats pussy like you do.” She says without any filter, and Lily bursts out laughing.
“Mary!” she exclaims with a laugh, and it makes Mary giggle too. “Forgot how fucking crude you are.”
Mary shrugs with a grin, and Lily is glad the atmosphere has settled a little. She feels freer to talk, and less like she could hurt Mary if she says the truth. But anyway, lying would only hurt Mary in the long run.
“As I was saying, I don’t know if I’m bi or anything else. I don’t really know anything about sexualities anyway.” She explains, and Mary nods.
“I get it. I mean, I thought I was bi, but I-well, when I swore off guys, it was more because I didn’t feel any attraction towards them at all.” She admits, looking at Lily, biting her lip, “I don’t know if it’s because I’m a lesbian or because I don’t really want anyone else than you, but yeah.” She sniffs a little, still avoiding Lily’s eyes. It hits Lily then that she hasn’t told her how she feels.
“Mary.” She calls, and Mary raises her eyes to look into Lily’s green ones. Her eyes are so, so dark, and Lily could drown in them. Like two pools of black coffee, just like Lily takes it.
“I…I don’t want to say that I’m in love with you, because I don’t know if I’m really there yet.” She starts, and Mary keeps her eyes on her. Lily notices some hope in them, and it makes her heart thud. Maybe this is the start to her happy ending. This is how the love of her life starts. Or maybe it started at the wedding, and maybe it even started when they met, at eleven years old, two kids entering a new, scary school, finding comfort in each other.
“But I’m falling.” Lily says, holding Mary’s hands tightly, “I…I know how I feel. And I’ve never felt it with anyone else. I just…I know it must seem like nothing to you right now, but I really want to be with you. I want to be in a relationship.” She tells her solemnly, then smiles, “For real this time.”
Mary shakes her head with a grin, with more tears falling over her cheeks, “It doesn’t seem like anything, you idiot.” She chuckles, then stares at Lily, trying to decipher something on her face, “Are you sure? I don’t want to start anything if you’re not all in. Because I’m going to be all in.” she declares, and right away, Lily is nodding.
“Absolutely.” She grins at her, “I want to romance the hell out of you.” She announces, startling a laugh from Mary.
“I expect nothing less.” Mary nods, “You know my standards are really high.”
Lily smirks, “I’ll do my best to rise up to them.”
They stare at each other for a moment, until they both move towards the other to crash their lips together. The kiss doesn’t feel like any they’ve had before: it’s slow and passionate and sweet, and it feels like the start of something. Like a new beginning.
______________________
The start of their relationship goes swimmingly. They decide that night, after a much needed stop in the bedroom to channel their emotions towards the other, that there is no point in hiding their relation to their friends. They’ve already told half of them that they were fake dating, and most of Lily’s family thinks they’re actually dating.
Lily also thinks that this might also be Mary reassuring herself. Because if Lily agrees to tell people, it means she’s really in. She really wants to do this.
Lily could feel like Mary doesn’t trust her, but she gets it. It’s normal for Mary to be a little wary of it all after so many years wishing it would happen. After years of thinking Lily was straight.
Anyway, now, they have a new routine. Lily wakes up on the 4th of July in Mary’s arms, and she kisses her cheek sweetly as she wakes up. She goes back to sleep because it’s six in the morning, but at noon, she is at Mary’s work, ready to take her out for lunch. She has a bouquet of pink peonies in hand, and she waits patiently for ten minutes until Mary is ready to leave her work. When their lunch date runs a little long, and Mary has to get back to work, Lily walks her back and kisses her in front of the building before letting her go.
Then, she studies all afternoon, and when Mary comes home at six, they talk about everything and nothing, until the doorbell rings: it’s Friday, and it’s Regulus time. Both of them grin as they open the door for him, and he looks at them like they’re crazy.
“Hello?” he greets, “Why are you smiling like bloody idiots?” he asks judgingly, and Lily chuckles. Both her and Mary chill a little, but they still smile at each other when their stares cross the other.
“We’ve got news!” Mary exclaims with a grin, and Regulus raises an eyebrow at them.
“Can I guess?” he asks, making Lily chuckle. Regulus is never wrong at guessing games. Maybe this will be the day they defeat him.
“Absolutely.” She smirks at him, and of course, it takes only ten seconds for Regulus to figure it out.
His eyes are narrowed and his worries his lower lip between his teeth, staring at them, until he smirks back at them, “You’ve finally grabbed each other’s arses. Congrats, only took you eight years.”
Both Mary and Lily stare at him in shock, until he chuckles, “You think you’ve been subtle? Please, your flat has always been filled with sexual tension. And it’s not like you’re not both jealous bitches every time you see the other with someone.” He lists off, and Lily feels herself blushing violently.
“You couldn’t have said anything? Had to let us wait forever to figure it out?” Mary accuses, and Regulus stares at her in disbelief.
“Absolutely. Not my business.” He nods, and Lily cocks her head once the shock that Regulus knew all along passes.
“How did you figure out that was it?” she asks, and Regulus smirks at her.
“The hickey on Mary’s neck.” He points out, and if Lily could go any redder, she would’ve, “And your hair is wavier than usual, which happens when someone is in love.”
Mary nods proudly, “Good work. Wonder why you’re not a detective yet.”
Regulus scoffs, “Both Evan and Barty are criminals, I couldn’t be a detective.” He smiles, and turns back to them with a devilish grin, “Now tell me how this happened. Make me laugh a little.”
So, they do. All three sit in the living room, and Lily and Mary recount the story of how they got together, between their mutual gay awakenings and the fake dating story. They laugh and eat the pasta Lily made earlier, and it’s perfect. It’s Lily with her girlfriend and her best friend. It’s her favourite kind of evening.
Around ten that night, when they are all a little tipsy on wine and giggling for everything and anything, the alcohol reaches Regulus and makes him say things he shouldn’t. Things he’d never say sober, Lily knows, but he still tells them. And there nothing Lily or Mary can do to stop it. Not that they want to anyway.
“I’m not a virgin anymore.” He announces with a drunk smile, and doesn’t notice how both Mary and Lily stare at him in concern and shock. Regulus Black is not a relationships guy, nor is he a one-night stand guy. Actually, Lily had never quite thought of him dating anyone, or anything of the sort. Not until the kiss with James.
The cogs turn very rapidly in Lily’s head, and she figures it out before Regulus can say anything else. She gasps and slaps her hands over her mouth in shock, which makes Regulus giggle. Oh, he is drunk.
“James’ got very soft lips.” He giggles, staring at Lily, “Very nice shag.”
“You didn’t!” Mary exclaims, staring at him like the most interesting piece of gossip in the world. It might just be, actually.
“Reg. What!?” Lily shouts out in her shock, and Regulus chuckles again. Lily has been certain that James Potter was Regulus’ number one enemy. That there would be no way for James’ crush to ever lead anywhere. It seems she was sorely mistaken.
“He’s so hot, Lils.” He grins at her, “God, I’m so fucked.” He whines and hides his face behind his hands.
Lily looks at him with concern, “In which sense? How are you fucked, Reg?” she asks, and Mary laughs.
“I think I know how.” She laughs, and Regulus giggles too, but then he sighs.
“I am literally fucked, yes thanks, Mary, but not only.” He whines and looks at Lily with sad eyes, “I freaked out afterwards.” He disclaims in a small voice, and Lily feels a little more worried. Freaked out Regulus never makes good decisions. Lily noticed that one of the only few people who can make Regulus freak out is James.
“What did you do?” Lily asks gently, and Regulus whines again with a pout.
“I asked him to leave. And I deleted his number.” He runs his hands over his face and sighs, “I fucked up.”
Rationally, Lily knows he did. Knowing James like she does, there is no doubt he felt used. But also, she thinks James might feel like he did something wrong. He probably spent the last few days rethinking about everything that happened and finding new ways to blame himself.
“When did this happen?” Lily asks, staring at Regulus. She loves him, but she loves James too. She doesn’t want to see either of them hurt.
“Last night.” He confesses, and Lily feels relieved immediately. Less time for James to overthink.
“I didn’t know you even liked him.” Mary frowns at him, “How did this happen?” she asks, and Regulus tells them everything, as if words were just tumbling out of his mouth, begging to be released. Lily gets it; it probably is a lot to figure out alone. She’s more than glad to be Regulus’ supporting arm.
“And once everything was done, when we were just settling to sleep, I told him to leave in the morning. That I needed time to figure it out.” He explains, and Lily nods.
“I get that.” She tells him, “But you shouldn’t push him away. He’s probably overthinking everything right now.”
“What do you need to figure out?” Mary asks with a truly lost expression, “You like him?”
Regulus groans, but nods.
“You want to be with him?”
Regulus stares at her, then nods again.
“Then where’s the debate?” she asks, and Regulus stays silent for a moment. When he doesn’t answer, she continues, “Reg, you’ve got this wonderful guy who loves you and wants you, and you want him to. Why won’t you let yourselves have this?” she asks, and Regulus shrugs.
“I don’t know how to.” He answers quietly, and Lily smiles at him.
“I think James can help you with that, actually.” She tells him, and he raises his eyes up to her, “I…You know how I was with that jerk before him?” she asks, and Regulus nods once again, “Well, I didn’t feel like loving again. I didn’t think I could. And he managed to break that ice I’d built just, like, so easily.” She recounts, then looks at Mary with a smile, “I wouldn’t have been able to fall for Mary if he hadn’t broken that wall before.”
Regulus nods pensively, then he smiles, “It’s the warmth.” He says, and Lily knows what he means. James is warmth. He’s the hot, burning sun.
“He melted down the ice.” Lily smiles at him, “You just have to let him in. Let yourself have this.”
Regulus stares at the floor for a little while longer, until Mary breaks the silence.
“You have to see him again. Make things clear.”
“I’ll see him at Sirius’ engagement party. Next week. Is it too long?”
Lily and Mary stare at each other in shock, before starting on Regulus.
“Sirius’ engagement party?” Lily shouts out, and Regulus’ eyes go round as he realises his mistake.
“These fuckers got engaged without telling us?” Mary screams out. Both of them stand up to get their phone, and Regulus shakes his head in defeat.
“Forgot I couldn’t tell.” He shakes his head to himself at his mistake, with a smile on his face. As Lily and Mary empress themselves to dial Sirius’ number, Regulus stays sat there with a smile on his face and makes a plan. He says it out loud because he’s drunk, but neither Lily nor Mary hear it, too busy yelling at their friends as soon as the call connects.
It’s a good night.