Lover of Mine

~ Lover of Mine, maybe we’ll take some time. Kaleidoscope mind gets in the way. Hope and I pray darling that you will stay. Butterfly lies, chase them away.~

Candles flickered, illuminating the stone walls of the Church. They were the only form of light which Ava was thankful for. She hesitates for a moment before beginning to walk towards the first pew. Her eyes remain focused on the statue of Jesus in the dead center of the altar. Upon reaching the pew, she immediately kneels. Silently, she dips her head and does a sign of the cross. When she lifts her head to look forward once again she notices how everything around her feels still as if its been frozen in time. The only movement coming from the dancing shadows of the candles. She wonders about the events that this Church has witnessed throughout the years. Her eyes sweep around the church as she lightly touches the wooden pew. Her thoughts fall on all the weddings, baptisms, funerals, or random events that had taken place. She can’t help but wonder about all of the people who sat in the very spot she’s in now. Were they witnessing something that brought immense joy? Or were they witnessing something that brought intense grief?

Or...

Maybe they might’ve been like her, scared and confused. Struggling to find something, anything that ease the heaviness in their souls. She closes her eyes and releases a shaky breath.

“Big Guy,” she begins softly.

Her mouth opens to continue but no words come out. There’s a myriad of things running through her mind and she struggles to find one to focus on.

“Honestly? I’m not even sure why I’m here right now. Talking to you is something I haven’t done in a very long time. Since my time at the orphanage. But, I could really use some guidance. A sign if you will.”

Ava’s voice trails off as she lets out a small chuckle.

“It’s funny because I think I remember there was a time where you and I were close. Back when my mom was still alive. I don’t remember much about her but I remember that she found comfort in talking to you. I think I might’ve felt the same but I don’t remember.” Her throat begins to constrict as tears form in her eyes.

Not wanting to cry, at least not yet, she clears her throat before continuing.

“There’s a lot I don’t remember about her. I don’t remember what she looked like, I don’t remember her smile, I can hardly remember her voice. It hurts because I feel like I’m forgetting her. Which I don’t want to do but I know that I am. It makes me feel even worse because how do you forget someone that you loved?” Her question hangs in the air around her. Making her feel hollow.

“But I’m not here to talk about my mom. I’m here because I need a sign. Something to show me that what I’m feeling isn’t wrong.”

A small smile forms on her face as thoughts of a certain nun form in her head. The very nun that has invaded her thoughts every day since they met.

“Who am I kidding? I need to talk to you about this girl. No...THE girl. Twelve years of my life were spent confined to a bed and at the mercy of nuns that never failed to tell me how much of a burden I was to them. I’m a bit inept in the understanding of feelings department so forgive me as I try to find the right words to describe what she makes me feel.”

Ava tries to find the right words to describe what she’s feeling. No words seem to fit. But then she remembers the words written by Sister Melanie in her entry of the Warrior Nun journal.

“She makes me feel unbound, unburdened. Finally like myself, my true self. I’m still trying to figure out who the true Ava is but when I’m with her, I’m closer to that Ava than I ever have been,” she admits.

The Halo begins to glow faintly and a familiar warmth spreads through her body. She smiles at how content and safe she feels now that she’s grown used to it.

“My kaleidoscope mind usually gets in my way and makes it hard for me to do anything. It can get really heavy to carry when at any given moment I’ve got a million things running through it. The best way I can describe it, is like it’s a raging storm. Forceful waves crashing against a rocky surface. But then she appears and it’s like all of that stops. The storm clears and all those thoughts just fade away. Whenever I look at her, I’m not drowning under the weight of my own self-destruction. She makes me feel safe, at peace.”

The beating of her heart speeds up ever so slightly before easing up. Her eyes slip closed as a plethora of pleasant emotions washes over her.

“She’s the one who I want to stay. The girl I want to catch me when I fall, which will be a lot since I’m still getting used to having functioning limbs again. She’s the girl I wish to be able to spend the rest of my life making her the happiest she’s ever been. The girl I’d love with every fiber of my being, if she let me. The person who I want to chase away the uncomfortable butterflies and replace them with the sun so I’d never feel cold again.” Despite speaking softly, her words seem to echo through the quiet surrounding her.

~Dance around the living room, lose me in the sight of you. I’ve seen the red, I’ve seen the blue. Take all of me, deep to where your secrets hide. Where we’ve been a thousand times. Swallow every single lie, take all of me.~

Ava opens her eyes and her gaze falls on the votive candles beside the altar. The glowing embers twinkling like stars. The way each flame appears to be dancing captivates Ava so she stands to move closer. Lifting her hand so it hovers a few inches above the flames, she watches as well the shadows created dance against her skin. Once again her mind drifts to the nun that’s taken up a permanent residence in her brain.

She thinks of the two of them dancing. Strong arms wrapped around her waist as they sway gently. Leading the dance because she knows that Ava is still figuring out how to properly use her limbs. The thought steals all breath from her lungs. The shadows from the candles continue to glide across her skin as she slowly moves her hand. Thoughts once again shifting to a smile that genuinely feels as if it's only for her. The smile that eases her fears into nothing, almost like the smoke from the candles disappearing into the air. The smile that pierced through her darkness and gives her the hope that brighter days are coming. A smile that seems to have a magical ability to repair things long broken inside of Ava.

Ava was no poet, she barely was even a writer. Words aren’t her forte, they don’t come naturally to her. But if she was a poet or even a writer, she’d be able to put everything she wanted to say into something worthy of her beautiful nun. Having spent most of her formative years unable to move with the television in her room as the only form of escape, it made Ava fall in love with all of the ways that love was depicted on it. She would dream of having a love like Han and Leia, where in the face of overwhelming odds love was born through flirtatious bickering and hilarious one-liners. Or a love like Kumail and Emily, where even all your fears of being disowned by your family disappear when you learn the person you love is sick and needs a miracle. Or a love like Ellie and Carl, where you meet your love when both of you are young and take part on an epic adventure than would surely one day be the basis of a book or a movie. She’d imagine having a love like the ones in her favorite movies. Her vivid imagination doing very little to stop the grief she felt at knowing she’d never have a love like that in her life.

Then she died. But then she was brought back to life by the Halo.

Which led her to Beatrice and it felt an awful lot like something that was meant to be. She hadn’t realized at first but Beatrice seemed to have a way of making Ava face everything head on even though she was scared shitless. Beatrice has this fascinating aura that drew Ava in. Even when she was telling Ava that she was thoughtless, selfish, and self-centered, Ava still wanted to be around her. Everything about Beatrice felt as if it was carved by a divine being that when she was born must’ve said “damn I’m good.” Ava could see how completely unaware Beatrice was to her own beauty. She had a beautiful that wasn’t easy to explain as there were no words in existence that could describe it. To Ava, she’d say it was the type of beauty that was very rarely seen as such which might’ve been why Beatrice was so genuinely oblivious to it. Despite preferring to be a silent warrior, there was always something that brought her to the forefront. Be it her extensive knowledge of languages or her affinity for reading ancient texts in order to better understand what they were up against. Or her awe-inspiring skills in martial arts. Beatrice was the personification of what it meant to be beautiful. Her mere presence had a way of making Ava feel like she was someone.

One of the very first things that Beatrice told Ava was that there was always more to the stories a person tells. There were times that she would get ahead of herself in thinking that she knew everything about Beatrice. And at times it did feel like she knew everything. But as Beatrice told her there’s always more. Ava knows she’s reckless and will do things without thinking them through. (Sometimes she does it to make Beatrice smile because she knows that Beatrice finds her reckless nature to be humorous as times. Other times it’s because she’s impatient and wants to do whatever she’s set her mind on). She can’t help that all she wants to do is dive deeper into the subject of Beatrice. So she can know her in ways that no one ever has before. People will say that letting another person consume you isn’t the healthiest thing but for Ava, she wants to be consumed by everything that is Beatrice. She wants to be where Beatrice finds her home. She wants to give Beatrice her all and more (it may not be much but she doesn’t think that Beatrice minds. She hopes that it’s enough.)

~I’ll never give you away, cause I already made that mistake. If my name never feel off your lips again, I know it’d be such a shame.~

One thing that Ava is learning now is that when she feels something, she feels it deeply. A nauseating feeling of guilt flows through her veins and settles heavily on her chest. She eyes the statue of Jesus once again.

“Big Guy. Forgive me for the many mistakes that I have made and especially for the ones that I’ll make in the future. Just promise that you won’t take her away from me,” she begs. Hating how her voice cracks as she speaks.

Her mind falls on how close she came to not having Beatrice in her life at all. The guilt of her actions gnaws at her brain. She knew that she could never undo she’s done, all she can do is work to atone for her mistakes. She remembers how thankful she was for Beatrice being the one to comfort her (albeit reluctantly) when Mother Superion accused her of killing herself because she believed the lies that were written in her file. She holds onto the memory of Beatrice making her smile and laugh afterwards.

But then she ran. Ran when it became known to her what exactly being the bearer of the Halo would mean for her. She ran because the life of the Halo Bearer wasn’t the life she’d imagined for herself once she realized she had another shot at living life. She’d always imagined what it would be like to be a superhero and had always dreamt that one day she would be one. Here she was essentially a superhero and what did she do? She ran. In an attempt at penance for her mistake, she lights a votive candle of her own. As she strikes the match and watches a flame brought to life, she imagines a life of not hearing her name fall from Beatrice’s lip. An uncomfortable shudder rips through her as she places the lit match onto the wick of the candle. The color transforms from white to black as the flame overtakes it. She puckers her lips and blows gently to gently to extinguish the match.

“After years of hearing my name spoken as if I was the living embodiment of the devil, I never thought I’d ever live to see a day where I’d ever crave to hear my name spoken. I can’t really remember how my mom said my name but it was the name she chose for me when I was born so I can only hope she said it was love. Diego always said my name with this childlike wonder that never failed to make me remember that there was still a small fraction of good in the world. JC,” she stops abruptly. The memory of the boy who gave her her first taste of freedom brings a nostalgic smile to her face. Briefly she wonders where he is and if he’s okay. “JC always said my name like I was a mystery for him to figure out and perhaps I was a mystery to him. He’d already developed an idea of who I was in his head and I don’t think I lived up to that idea. But Beatrice? She says my name like a prayer. Like it’s the missing piece to this crazy, fucked up puzzle of a life that we live. My name has never sounded as perfect as it does when it is said by her. And to think that I came so close to not ever hearing it again. I can’t even imagine how dull my life would’ve been without it.”

Her eyes move from the candles over to the statue.

“It probably wasn’t you, maybe it was the Halo. But thank you for giving me the opportunity to have been blessed by her presence in my life. I know that Mary and Lilith would probably say I should thank them since they were the ones who pushed me to come back. But between me and you?” She looks around to make sure that she was still alone. Even when she sees that she’s still alone, her voice lowers. As if she’s sharing a secret with God.

“I’m not going to ever thank them because I’d never hear the end of it.”

~When I take a look at my life and all of my crimes, you’re the only thing that I think I got right. I’ll never give you away, cause I already made, already made that mistake.~

Ava casts one last glance at the votive candles before turning around to return to the pews. The Halo providing her with enough warmth to ward off the chilly air inside of the Church. She takes a seat in the pew once again, the old wood creaking under her weight. A small sliver of light shines through the stained glass windows, illuminating the sanctuary of the altar. She enjoys the peaceful quiet of the Church, letting it lift her spirits as opposed to tearing them down. Her eyes drift up above the altar and land on the crucifix hanging above.

“Sometimes I wonder why you hated that pain and died for the sake of humanity. Doesn’t seem like humans deserved it. But then again, I think I understand why you did it. You died so that others may live. It didn’t matter to you if they were sick, poor, wealthy, or even criminals. You did what you did because you loved. I wonder if all of those people appreciated what you did for them. I think about the things I’ve done, stealing with JC to the questionable antics that the OCS gets up to. I’m still not sure if I believe in you but I know I believe in Beatrice. She’s the embodiment of everything that people say that you are. There hasn’t been much that I’ve done right in my life and I’m working to fix that so one day I can be proud of the life I’ve lived. However, she’s the only thing I think I’ve gotten right. Her light leads me down the path of greatness. She’s the guiding light, the lighthouse, to the raging storm inside of me. Maybe I’ll never believe in the Church and what they claim religion is. But you? You gave the world the most precious blessing of all when you brought her into existence. I think, no, I know I can believe in that.”

The Halo’s energy sends shockwaves that has Ava flexing her hands. A golden glow shimmers around her and makes her smile softly.

“Maybe I should be saying this to her but you’re very important to Beatrice so you this’ll have to do for now. I promise that I will never leave her again. I was asked what I’m going to do with the second chance I’ve been given and I didn’t have an answer for them as they are the literal devil. But I’ll tell you. With this second chance I’m going to be the guiding light for my sisters and my love. I’m going to let love lead my every action to hopefully bring an end to the darkness plaguing this world.”

~Lover of mine, I know you’re colorblind. I watched the world fall from your eyes. All my regrets and thinks you can’t forget. Light them all up, kiss them goodbye.~

In the serenity of the shrine, Ava’s mind wander off once again. This time her mind settles on the battle with Adriel and the shock of the betrayal from Father Vincent. At the time she was unable to see any of their faces but she watched as their bodies grew tense with realization. Her heart shattered at the confused hurt she heard lacing their tones. If she thought it was shattered before, it completely was obliterated when Beatrice’s voice cracked as she voiced what they had all come to realize. Ava knee she wasn’t particularly skilled at much but she knew voices. She always paid attention to how people would speak. From the way their voices projected around a room when they were angry or excited. To the attempts, noticeable or subtle, at keeping their emotions out of their voice when they were sad or hurt. And because she always paid attention to Beatrice, she was able to pick up on the very brief second of pain that appeared in Beatrice’s voice. She was able to hear the exact moment that Beatrice locked up that pain in favor of being the strength needed to get them through.

Ava was familiar with many feelings. Sadness, she knew very well. Happiness, was fleeting at best but she’s learning now. Anger, was like a best friend. Fear, could’ve been her alter ego. But the all encompassing ache she felt deep within her to be the one to make the pain everyone was experiencing disappear? That was new for her. But she ached to be able to rebuild the world that was shattered for her sisters. The desire to be the one to shoulder the hurt and confusion they all felt was dizzying. She wanted to see the spark return to Beatrice’s eyes because the blank look in them left her wanting to vomit. She’d do whatever it took to make the agony Beatrice was in, a distant and faded memory. For a moment, she remembered wondering if the Halo had any other powers than the documented ones. She knew that she had displayed powers not seen in years or had ever been seen in any previous Halo Bearers. So why couldn’t it perhaps grant her the ability to take all of her regrets plus everything that Beatrice was unable to forget and light them up. She’d make sure each and every one of them was burnt to a crisp then she’d kiss them goodbye.

The thought is an intoxicating one. But in the very back of her head, she can hear a voice telling her “Pain is what makes a Sister Warrior.” She smiles when she realizes that the voice is Beatrice’s. Snickering gently at the fact that even when Beatrice isn’t near her, her thoughts always circle back to the badass nun. For what feels like the hundredth time since she stepped foot into the Church, her eyes once again fall on the statue of Jesus.

~I’ll never give you away cause I already made that mistake. If my name never fell off your lips again, I know it’d be such a shame. When I take a look at my life and all of my crimes, you’re the only thing that I think I got right. I’ll never give you away cause I already made, already made that mistake.~

“Part of me still finds it difficult to wrap my head around the fact that people will come here to confess things to something that can not offer any sound advice. Then another part of me, well that part of me can understand the need to just get everything off your chest without fear of judgment is why people come here.” She wonders is maybe she should feel a tad bit silly at confessing her inner thoughts to a sculpted piece of stone. But she can’t find it in her to care.

“I asked you for a sign to show me that everything I feel for her is real. But I can see now that all I really needed was the ability to figure out my own feelings. Without the teasing from Mary or Lilith and the excited rants from Camila. As I sit here now, I wonder why I ever thought that I was wrong for what I feel for her. I’m aware that people would say that I’m a literal angel or you born again into human form. But she’s without a doubt the only person who has ever made me feel the closest to God. She’s an angel, my angel.”

A satisfying heat engulfs her as the Halo glows once again. What previously filled her with dread and a sense of “my life is over” now fills her with a need to fulfill a duty. It makes her feel like she’s got a purpose, a greater meaning. She feels proud and wants to make the Halo Bearers that came before her proud.

The air around her shifts very faintly but she fails to notice.

“Back in the tomb, Adriel spewed a whole lot of lies before I was able to see the truth. Everyone says the Halo chose me, I still cannot understand why but I’m going to fight everyday to be worthy of that choice. With this second chance, I’m going to make right the mistake Areala made by allowing the OCS to be formed under false pretenses. I can feel the regret that she carried and the hope she had that one day someone would be able to fix what she had been unable to. I, Ava Silva, make this vow to you, Big Guy, that I am going to love Beatrice with everything that I am for the rest of my life.” Her words carry through the room. Rising up to meet all the vows that came before hers. She swears for a moment she sees the statue nod its head to let her know that it heard her vow. Despite knowing that it was a figment of her imagination, the thought still comforts her.

The Halo’s glow gets brighter as footsteps echo behind her. She doesn’t have to turn to know who the footsteps belong to. Her body relaxes as she mouths “thank you” to the statue. A calloused yet impossibly soft hand touches her shoulder.

“Ava, what are you doing in here alone?” Beatrice asks.

She casts one final look at the statue before turning her head to look up at Beatrice. Her eyes taking in the breathtaking sight of Beatrice bathed in the gentle light created by the Halo. She’s seen Beatrice in many different looks but this one has got to be her favorite.

“Just chatting with the Big Guy,” she replies as she points her finger to the statue she’d been talking to all night. A bright grin appears on her face when Beatrice smiles at her.

“Mind if I join?” The smile is still on Beatrice’s face.

Ava chooses to remain silent as she slides over to make room for Beatrice to sit beside her. She watches fondly as Beatrice genuflects before doing the sign of the cross before she finally takes a seat.

“I woke up and couldn’t find you so I came to look for you,” Beatrice admits quietly. So quietly in fact that Ava almost doesn’t hear her words. She hears them and the confession makes her heart swell.

“You noticed I was gone?” She notices the fact that her words are whispered. Almost afraid that if she speaks any louder it might somehow ruin the moment between them.

Beatrice ducks her head and Ava can see the beginning of a blush forming on her cheeks. When she finally looks back at Ava, she notices a few things at once. The first being how Beatrice’s eyes glitter like jewels due to the mixture of the light from the candles and the light from the Halo. The next being that the smile she gives Ava is the Ava smile.

“I always feel your absence when you’re gone.” Beatrice’s words aren’t soft but full of sincerity.

Her words erase any intelligent thoughts Ava might’ve had and any words she might’ve been able to string together in response. She laces their fingers together and gently squeezes, hoping that somehow Beatrice understands what she’s trying to convey.

They sit in comfortable silence for a while. Beatrice looking around the Church, marveling at the unique qualities of it. While Ava finds herself unable to tear her eyes away Beatrice. In the silence, that’s when Ava realizes that Beatrice being here with her is the sign she’d been looking for. So she takes the bait, says Geronimo, and leaps.

“Since coming face time face with the literal devil, I’ve had a lot on my mind. So I came here to look for a sign,” she reveals.

Beatrice turns her head ever so slowly to look at Ava. When their eyes finally meet, Ava can see the clear question in her eyes despite no words being said.

“You told me that pain is what made you a Sister Warrior. I’d been thinking about what pain made me and all I could come up with was a coward. But after the absolute circus of everything that happened with Adriel, I’ve been thinking more about who I am. Especially now with the Halo inside of me. In the tomb he asked me what I was going to do with my second chance. I didn’t have an answer because I genuinely didn’t know. Which is why I came here. I needed a sign to show me that what I think I’ve been feeling is right. Through lots of talking and I mean lots,” they both laugh at that. “I was able to figure out what I want to do with my second chance,” she finishes.

“What did you figure out?” Beatrice asks curiously.

Ava smiles. The Halo’s energy fills her with the courage needed to continue.

“This second chance is about undoing the damage that Adriel has done to the OCS and especially to all of you. I’m going to piece back together the world that was broken for you guys. But most importantly I’m going to love.”

Ava knows that Beatrice had been listening to her but she can see the way the mention of the word love causes her to sit a bit straighter. And offer more of her undivided attention to Ava.

“I spent twelve years of my life not feeling love or having anyone to love. But now? I’ve got a family. My love for the others drives me but my love for you? My love for you inspires me, it motivates me. I’ve been separated from God for a long time but my love for you is the closest I’ve felt to any God in my entire life. The Halo might have given me a second shot at life but my second chance didn’t begin until I met all of you. Being here was my way of trying to involve the Big Guy because I know how much your faith means to you. It was extremely important for me to talk with the Big Guy to seek forgiveness for my mistakes and to make my feelings for you known. Because I needed it to be known that you are without a doubt the most right that I’ve ever done.”

Her heart beats wildly as she lets the weight and meaning behind her words settle. Beatrice is quiet as she stares at Ava. Ava tries not to let the feeling of dread cause her to freak out but then finally Beatrice speaks.

“1 Corinthians 13: 1-13,” she begins softly. “If I speak in the tongues of men or of angels, but do not have love, o am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but do not have love, I am nothing. If I give all I possess to the poor and give over my body to hardships that I may boast, but do not have love, I gain nothing. Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in devil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always preseveres. Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where is knowledge, it will pass away. For we know in part and prophesy in part, but when completeness comes, what is in part disappears. When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a woman, I put the ways of childhood behind me. For now we see only a reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know I’m part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully know. And now these three remain: faith, hope, and love. But the greatest of these is love,” she finishes, sounding like she’s out of breath.

Ava stares at Beatrice, eyes wide. Heart thumping loudly but feeling more loved than she’s ever felt in her life.

“All my life I’ve been made to believe that who I am was wrong. That who I love was wrong. But then I met you. And your unwavering light reminded me of what it felt like to feel something for the first time. Realizing I loved you was rather easy because I thought to myself, how could this be wrong? You’re a gift from God. You, Ava Silva, are an angel, my angel.”

If she wasn’t so happy, Ava knows that she’d probably be crying. But she doesn’t want to cry. She wants to be smiling, which she already is. She lifts her hand and rests it on Beatrice’s cheek, heart melting when she leans into the touch.

“I may never believe in the type of religion that the Church teaches. But I can believe in the God that you love because obviously they must be something special since they created you. You’ve made me remember what it’s like to love and be loved. Let whatever comes our way come because this is the most real thing I’ve ever felt and there’s no way that any of this could ever be sinful or wrong.”

Ava wishes that she has a camera to capture the look on Beatrice’s face. It’s so full of love that she wants a physical reminder to look on whenever she needs to. She leans in, or maybe Beatrice leaves in first, she’s got no idea. But her lips are barely an inch away from Beatrice’s. It’s enough to drive her insane but she waits for Beatrice to take the lead. Content to let her dictate how this goes. She doesn’t have to wait long because lips that she’s spent an ungodly amount of time wondering how they’d feel on hers, finally touch her lips. Everything blurs and suddenly it’s just the two of them. Nothing else matters, not the Adriel, not Father Vincent, not the mission. In that moment they were just two girls in love seeking the comfort that could only be provided by the other. The only thing that Ava could feel was a sense of calm, a feeling of completeness.

A kiss like this? It was like the moment a pen touches a piece of paper or fingers hit the keys of a keyboard, it was the beginning of a story. It was a promise of more to come. A promise that no longer would either of them be alone, for together in their love they’d always find the strength they needed. It was enough for Ava to send a thank you to all the Gods to ever exist and a fuck you to everyone who ever doubt her.

Ava wasn’t religious by any stretch of the imagination. But she knew that because someone up in the heavens, be it God or another divine being, had a hand in creating Beatrice and her family, shed always have something to believe in. She’d always have beacons of hope. She’d always have love and her ability to love.

It felt holy. It felt like she was complete.

And that was something she would always have faith in.