hanahaki disease is defined as an illness born from unrequited love. it affects the one who loves, not the lover. the patients throat fills up with flowers, in which they will proceed to throw and cough up the petals. that is, until the flowers overtake the patient and they die. unloved.
to kim jungeun, currently 21 years old, the disease was something beautiful.
to her, hanahaki disease was a sickly beautiful way to prove true love. the bitter floral petals tinged with the metallic taste of blood was a taste of her sincere emotions. to the young music student, hanahaki was the most sullen and well written heartbreak song. it was a beautiful dance that was moved by broken legs and aching feet. it was the most flavorful and spiced meal that was laced in poison.
to jungeun it was proof of true love by ripping one’s heart out of their body and slowly watching, feeling, the life leave with it.
as white daisy’s were stained red in her best friend’s bathroom toilet, petals flowering down delicately, jungeun could only stare as the proof of her love piled up in the bowl. as she flushed them down, she smiled. it was dark and heartbreaking, knowing that her days were slowly becoming numbered by beautiful flowers that were slowly suffocating her from the inside, but she was determined to live the rest of her love deprived days with a smile.
she could only wait and grin as her own springtime came.
as she got up, she turned to yerim, who was leaning against the doorframe with tears in her eyes. she always did whenever jungeun threw her heart up. she would stare and shed tears of pain for her. jungeun was happy yerim was there to do it for her. she was happy yerim could see the extent of her love.
—
jungeun, age the young age of 18, knew she was going to get hanahaki disease because of her best friend, jung jinsoul.
jinsoul and jungeun had met during jungeun’s freshman year of college, when she were 17. the later had entered nervously, afraid of the new world. upon entering the school, she bumped into the beautiful soul that was jung jinsoul.
from that moment on they were inseparable. they ate lunch together, texted in class, slept in each others dorms, studied in the libraries together, and spent their time hanging out around seoul.
in jungeun’s sophmore year, she turned 18. jinsoul, who was the sweetest, threw her a tiny birthday party with jungeun’s roommates, sooyoung and vivi, balloons and confetti strewn across the room.
“make a wish” jinsoul whispered excitedly. as jungeun looked at the scene infront of her, a cake with eighteen candles being held by the prettiest girl in the world with long blonde hair, the light from the fire illuminating her face and lighting up her brown eyes, jungeun promptly knew then that she was going to get hanahaki disease.
as she blew out her candles, her only wish was that it wouldn't be painful.
but sure enough, 3 months later, jungeuns arose from her sleep to a stinging and burning and her chest. she could feel something rising alongside the bile as she ran as fast as she could to the restroom. as she gripped onto the bathroom sink with her eyes closed, grounding herself as the contents left her mouth, she felt dread rip through her body.
slowly opening her eyes, she look down as dozens upon dozens of tiny lily of the vallys littered the sink as if it were a decoration.
and jungeun could do nothing but stare at the product of her love.
—
as 19 and 21 year old yerim and jungeun left the bathroom and headed to yerim’s living room, jinsoul had walked in with girlfriend ha sooyoung in tow. quickly wiping her mouth, jungeun smiled at her best friend who came over to sling an arm around her shoulder.
“hello bestie,” jinsoul scrunched her nose and leaned in close, sniffing. “you smell like flowers.”
jinsoul hated flowers.
“soul arent you and soo supposed to be out on a date?” yerim intervened questioningly, wondering why the two had come after just an hour and a half.
“it started raining so we decided to just come back and cuddle.” sooyoung said, wrapping her arms around her girlfriends waist, who was still attatched to jungeun.
“she’s gonna get you to watch finding nemo again.” jungeun said slyly, knowing that jinsoul would 100% make sooyoung watch her favorite movie. soul looked up and jungeun, smiling cutely with her cheeks puffed up.
“you know me so well, little owl!” jinsoul exclaimed, before unwrapping herself from her best friend and dragging soo to their couch, her now black hair swaying side to side with every step. jungeun felt her heart swell and her chest burn.
she could only smile as they cuddled up to each other.
—
jungeun hadn't cried when she had her first fit of hanahaki. as a matter of fact, she thought it was a dream, a nightmare to be more exact. but the following night, she threw up more lily of the valleys. showering down from her mouth as if it were snow.
she knew it was going to be a matter of time before she caught the disease. she didn't expect it to be this early on in life. she thought at age 25 or 26, maybe even 27. it was hard for her to comes to terms with the idea of her life being in danger at the age of 18.
it was even harder for her to come to terms with the fact that this meant her feelings were unrequited.
after a couple months, she had accepted her sickness, but had contemplated ways to reverse her condtion. a quick google search confirmed that surgery, to her, was not an option. she couldn't imagine not being in love with someone as bright and beautiful as jinsoul. loving jinsoul, although painful, is something she could never regret. jinsoul was her happiness.
jungeun wanted to be jinsoul’s happiness.
as she looked at herself in the mirror, she prepared herself to ask jinsoul on a date. a real, official, non-friendly date. she went to the flower shop close to her university and picked up a mixed bouquet of flowers and a box of chocolate. she ran all the way to jinsouls dorm, took the elevator to her floor, and was about to turn the corner when jinsoul’s laugh filled the corridor.
jungeun froze and pressed herself against the wall, peaking around the corner and saw her roommate, ha sooyoung, standing in front of jinsoul holding chocolates and a teddy bear. jungeun held her breath, watching what was happening.
“what, no flowers?” jinsoul said teasingly. sooyoung turned red and stuttered out a reply.
“s-should i g-go get— flowers?” sooyoung said nervously, trying her best not to screw up this shot with the beautiful girl in front of her. jinsoul giggled and waved her hand.
“nah, its fine. besides, i hate flowers.”
it felt like time slowed. jungeun head pounded and chest burned as if it were on fire. she tuned around and ran out of jinsoul’s dorm, dropping the chocolates in her own hand and sprinting back to her own dorm across campus. she slammed the door and went to the bathroom already feeling the rising pressure and fiery feeling in her chest.
as the bouquet in her hands dropped to the floor, large hyacinths of a multitude of colors simultaneously left her chest, giving off a strong, fragrant smell.
that day, as jungeun wallowed in sorrow and the sweet fragrant smell of the hyacinths, she cried until petals had become limp in her bathroom sink. she sobbed and screamed, tearing at her chest, clawing the burning feeling that had intensified at the sound of jinsouls words replaying again and again in her mind.
as she lay in bed that night, staring at the ceiling, she cracked a smile in the darkness. the irony of her situation hit her like a bullet, it was only her luck.
of course jinsoul hated flowers.
—
as present day jungeun headed into to the kitchen, yerim silently followed behind her until they were out if earshot from the couple.
“jungeun,” yerim started lowly and carefully, uncharacteristically serious.
“don’t start yerim, please“ jungeun said drinking a water bottle she grabbed from the fridge.
“jungeun this is serious. you could just tell her, get the surgery and let this all be over with. you don't have to do this to yourself.” yerim hissed, angry and hurt that jungeun wouldn't listen to her. she only has so much time before surgery isn’t an option anymore and time was ticking.
quietly, jungeun looked at the couple on the couch. from here, she could see the blue hue from the tv light up soul’s face, could see the glimmer in her eye while quoting nemo’s lines, could see the smile on her face.
“i cant do that,” jungeun said smiling sadly to yerim, “jinsoul hates flowers.”
yerim could only cry that night.
—
18 year old yerim and 20 year old jungeun met when the later came over to meet jinsoul’s new roommate. jinsoul had finally moved out the small and tiny dorm and into an apartment, thanks to the part time job she had gotten at the schools library. the new roomate was a girl, who was surprisingly young and very bright and bubbly. there wasn't a time within the first three months upon meeting yerim that jungeun hadn't seen her smile.
they had become good friends in the months that followed after their first meeting. yerim was like a younger sister, asking jungeun for advice and always ready to go somewhere new. jungeun had felt genuinely close to yerim, placed trust in the energetic girl with a blinding smile. it almost reminded her of jinsoul in the way, the way their energy engulfed others in warmth.
yerim majored in musical theatre, but minored in music theory. jinsoul who majored in literature, and minored with music theory as well, could do very little to help her roommate. she was barely passing the class as it was, and was only taking it to increase her range of literary knowledge. jungeun, who double majored in music composition and dance, had studied music theory through high school, and served as a guide to all of yerim and jinsouls unanswered questions.
as jungeun sat in her best friends’ living room, serving as a makeshift teacher and helping them study, she felt comfortable. this all felt right to her. in between someone she saw as a sibling, and someone she loved with all her heart (and lungs), she felt a sense of home. she turned to the left and looked at jinsoul, she felt a smile come to her face.
jinsoul was focused on writing her lesson. with her glasses perfect ontop of her nose, which was scrunched in concentration. she could see jinsoul’s bright eyes scan the words of her textbook as she mouthed the words silently trying to retain the information she was reading. she was beautiful, like always.
that familiar burning feeling entered jungeuns chest as she whipped her head to the right and coughed, doing her best to block jinsoul’s view. even after knowing that jinsoul was taken by her close friend and roommate, after feeling immense fear at the thought of jinsoul finding out her internal floral garden, she couldn’t stop wanting to be near jinsoul. being able to see jinsoul grow while she wilts, wanting to spend time with her love for a little while longer; this kept jungeun by jinsouls side ever since the day of her failed confession up to now. jungeun coughed again and knew within a matter of minutes, petals of a flower were going to leave her mouth.
so far, jungeun had coughed up flowers based on popularity. first were dozens of tiny white lily of the valley’s, and then the ever-so-fragrant hyacinths. After that were pretty and large magnolias, the calming smell of tiny jasmine flowers, the numerous amounts of gardenias, and 2 months ago, the small purple lilacs. she knew that she was basically halfway on her road to the afterlife, as flowers were becoming more and more frequent.
she was scared, but not of the idea of death and leaving this world. she was scared at the idea of never seeing jinsoul again. she feared not being able to eat breakfast with her and yerim every morning. she feared missing out on their sleepovers, watching soul peacefully drift off into dreamland as she coughed back the bitter taste of flowers and bile.
she would miss jinsoul. she would miss loving her in this world.
jungeun got up, exclaiming she needed to go to the bathroom. as she got up she felt another sharp pain in her chest making her cough a little. as she walked to the bathroom she looked forward, not looking back at the slim red petal that had managed to escape and landed safely onto yerims lap. jinsoul, still focused on the work in front of her, never noticed the piece of flower traveling in front of her face.
yerim eyes burned, tears gathering as she looked down at the petal in front of her lap. she knew jungeun had feelings for soul but she never thought it’d be this—
‘beautiful.’ jungeun’s mind supplied her, as she looked at the delicate and pretty red and pink petals. irises littered toilet bowl in front of her, full flowers floating to the sides of the bowl. she was startled when the bathroom door open and closed quickly, causing her to cough more, red petals escaped her mouth and head down into the bowl to join the rest.
“i knew it! i knew you were in love with her. why would you not say anything? why wouldn't you tell her, or me?” yerim said, bursting into tears, kneeling next to jungeun. the older, shocked and saddened by the younger’s quick outburst, teared up, but did not let them fall. she had never seen yerim cry before. it broke her heart to see that yerim was crying because of her feelings, because of her disease.
jungeun held yerim and smiled sadly, comforting the younger. she patted her back, staring at the blank, empty white walls of the bathroom for what felt like hours, singing songs of empty, meaningless reaffirmations of ‘its okay’ and ‘im alright’.
yerim was, understandably, hurt and angry, but overall she was scared. she didn’t want to lose one of few people she connects with like a puzzle to something so unfair. to yerim this was the worst type of punishment. its bad enough to have deep, sincere feelings for someone who doesn't love you, but having your body shut down and give you death by an internal garden was agonizing.
“jungeun, promise me you’ll go to the doctor with me.” yerim sniffed, trying to stop an onslaught of tears and snot from falling. jungeun nodded, anything to make yerim stop crying. they both cleaned up and left the bathroom separately. yerim looked at the time on her phone. she and jungeun were only in the bathroom for only 20 minutes, but the younger felt like she had spent a new life time in the crowded, small white space.
a couple days afterward, with the excuse of going out to see a musical show for a class they shared, yerim and jungeun went to the doctors office. the doctor confirmed jungeun’s thoughts. she was a little more than halfway through the garden’s pathway. when yerim asked the dreaded question of how it could be stopped, the doctors gave her the only two known solutions;
1. kim jungeun could get surgery. they could open up her body, and forcefully cut away the flowers, vines and roots attached to her heart and lungs. this would mean that jungeun would lose all memory of her time with jinsoul when she was in love. she would mentally only remember jinsoul before her 18th birthday.
although the mental cost was high, this method had a high success rate. if the flowers were not completely in bloom it would be easier to remove them. but the success rate rapidly decreases when the patient is further along and the flowers are near unstoppable. if jungeun somehow started coughing up roses, that was it for her.
jungeun hated that option.
2. jungeun could be loved back. this option was the most effective. it would act as weed killer. the flowers would leave permanently, her memories would remain in tact, and no matter what stage she were in, it would cure her of the hanahaki disease.
jungeun knew this option was basically impossible.
as yerim and the doctors talked about ways to slow down the process, jungeun tuned them out looking outside the window. she could see birds and bees outside flying to flowers and plants, happily finding comfort in the floral beds. jungeun cracked a smile.
why couldn’t she be pretty like that? why were her flowers seen as ugly? hers were beautiful too, even if they were tinged with red. as the creatures flew away she stared at the cloud in the sky.
how could anyone hate her flowers?