The tension is suffocating and the air feels strangely thick, laying heavy against your skin, dump and sickening, and unpleasantly warm. The muffled voices of the WLF soldiers are nothing more than unnerving whispers and the crunch and crush of their boots and pop the ground. Shattered glass and small rocks and rotten leaves and squishy mud under their feet is a gut-wrenching cacophony that makes your mouth go dry.
Your heart is racing in your chest and you can feel your blood, boiling hot and icy cold and terribly itchy, running in your veins. It's a horrible horrible horrible feeling and the air is too thin to provide the necessary doses of oxygen and your lungs hurt and you're having trouble breathing.
The small gun is shaking in your sweaty hands and you're not sure you're going to be able to make the shot.
"Hey," Ellie is right next to you, face dirty and streaked with mud and rain and grass. Her hair's a mess and there are traces of blood on her forehead. The constellations of wounds and cuts and bleeding punctures on her sunburned beautiful (beautiful) face are exotic and she looks tough and gritty and you trust her completely.
Your heart is setting a jackrabbit pace in your chest. You swallow hard, dizzy and hot and (you think you're gonna be sick).
"Hey," she says, stretching her trembling hand to you. "Dina. Look at me".
You do. Ellie's eyes are green fire and pure determination and soft murder. Her smile is shaken and quivering and unsure, but very present and very strong and she is a paradigm of softness and pain, of young scared life and suffered maturity and suffocating fury all meshed up together.
"Hi." You say in a whisper because you don't know what to say and you need her to know that the rising panic in your chest and the nausea will not make you bail, will not crumble your decisions, and leave her alone and exposed. You need her to know you will do anything (everything everything everything) to protect her.
To keep her alive.
"Hi, yourself," she says and she sounds like your Ellie. Silly and funny and full of life that isn't terror and isn't pain and isn't this state of combat-ready. "How are you doing?"
"I've been better." You say honestly and she makes a huffing sound that could be a laugh.
"I hear you," she says and wiggles her fingers at you. "Me too".
You take her hand and squeeze her fingers, tight. "We can do this".
"Damn right, we can".
Ellie gives you a beautiful smile that feels like a fist is being pressed to your hammering heart, and even in your panicked, adrenaline-fueled state, you want to launch at her and kiss her.
(You don't).
"We do this quick," Ellie says, voice rising with excitement and fear and something you don't want to think about. "And then we get the fuck out of here".
Her eyes are a fierce shade of green, light, and fire rising in all its glory. You press your palms to your eyes, then offer Ellie your hand. She takes it without a second thought.
"How do you want to do this?"
"I want you to turn back and stay safe, right there in this building." She points to a place, a few feet away, just around the corner. You raise your eyebrow, unimpressed, and a little nauseous.
"Very funny. I'm glad to know this experience hasn't fucked up your stupid sense of humor".
"Worth a shot." Ellie shrugs and it's obvious she didn't expect you to go. She watches you for a couple of moments, eyes searching for something in your face. Then she pokes her head around the corner of the wall your hiding behind. She scans the gas station and the wrecked street, counts the people, and turn back to you, lips a thin line.
You cock your head in question while Ellie is searching your surroundings. Her eyes run in all directions. You can see her calculating the shots, the moves, the possible positions. You can almost see the small mechanism in her brilliant mind turning and her breath is steaming in the thick wet air.
"You're a better shot than me." She tells you.
You're not sure about that but you let her continue.
"If you go up there, you'll have a pretty clear view on their positions".
"But we won't be able to communicate".
"No, but if we do it clockwise, we can at least guess each other's moves, right? I need you to watch my back. They look pretty laid back to me, and it's obvious they are not waiting for an attack. If something goes wrong, I'm gonna need you to shoot these fuckers before they get to me".
You put an arm to the wall, to steady yourself. "Okay".
"Yeah?"
And it's not like you have a choice. Ellie is stubborn and hot-headed. She needs to fight and she needs to punch and she needs to let her anger out. You know how she feels and you don't have it in you to try and stop her.
"Yeah".
//
Ellie fights with everything she's got. Every hit lands exactly where she intended and she fights like she fights for her life. (In many ways, she does).
She's marvelously repressed in her moves. She grits her teeth with force and squeezes her fist tight and she lets out all her violence and anger and frustration and fury. When she smashes skulls and shoots kneecaps and jabs her pocketknife in eye sockets, you realize just how messed up she is and how helplessly in love with her you are and you never stood a chance.
Ellie is a hurricane of anger and boiling rage and precise moves and red red red violence.
The cold frustration is gone and you're left with hot wanting and explosion of need and if you weren't so fucking terrified, you'd grab her hand and push her against the graffiti-covered wall, on this godforsaken street and you'd fuck her hard and you'd fuck her thorough and you'd fuck her good.
(You aim at a man twice her size and pull the trigger. The bullet hits him right between the eyes and he goes down in a cloud of blood and brain and skull fragments. You swallow the bile that rises in your throat, you ignore the inner screamings of years and years and years of Jewish teachings and you pull the trigger you pull the trigger your pull the trigger).
The QZ is massive and you hate everything about it. When you reach Ellie, she's covered in blood and gunpowder and she smells kinda coppery and slaty and a little sweet.
(The thought that there is anything remotely pleasant about what you've just done makes your stomach turn and you double over and cough out gut-wrenching, hot, burning liquid).
"Hey… hey…" Ellie is next to you, her warm slick sticky hands are on your shoulders and she sounds concerned.
"I'm alright." You choke out.
"Like hell you are".
You look at her through blurred vision, through tears of pain and exhaustion and anger. "Are you hurt?"
"No, I'm fine. Are you?"
"I'm alright".
Ellie's eyes are huge and terrified and bloodshot. Her pupils are dilated and her mouth is twitching a little.
"C'mon. let's get out of here".
You wipe your mouth on your sleeve and spit the nasty taste that stays in your mouth on the grass. Cold sweat is covering your entire body and your forehead is clammy. You feel like you might pass out and you bite your tongue and close your eyes and allow the dizziness and the sickness wash over you.
"I feel like shit".
"I know, babe. I know." Ellie puts her arm around you and lifts you up. Your legs are trembling and weak but you force yourself to stay on your feet.
"Where are we going?"
"I don't know. We need to get out of this area, before more soldiers will show up," Ellie's eyes are running around the block, searching for promising empty apartments.
"I'm okay." You say again.
"No, you're not. And to be honest, neither am I. It was a fucking nightmare".
You swallow hard. The ache of welling tears press at the base of your throat.
"Okay," you say and shake your head, trying to clear your mind. "Okay. Hey, what about one of those buildings?"
Ellie doesn't look too happy about it. "What if it's part of the soldier's dorms?"
You chew on your inner cheek. "We'll have to risk it." You say because the darkness is approaching, already covering the edges of the horizon. Seattle is too big and too scary and way too dangerous to wander around at night and you don't want to stay on the street.
Ellie scratches the back of her head. she sticks her tongue in her cheek and takes a deep breath. You can tell she isn't fond of the idea, but you both know it's better than looking for more remote places right now.
"Alright." She says it like a defeat and you hate you hate you hate this sound. Ellie is strong and sure and solid. She can kill a group of trained soldiers just to keep you safe without breaking a sweat. She can jab knives in eyesockets and push blades between ribs. She can shoot and she can swing and she can bite and kick and punch people to death.
"Babe." You say, quiet and sad and sorry.
"Hmm?"
You shake your head and kiss her hard on the lips.
(Her smile is bright and a little easier than before. She nods, like she understands, wraps her arm around your waist to keep you steady, and guides you slowly toward the huge apartment complex on the other side of the street).
//
The apartment is small and empty and cold and smells like hot garbage. There is a thin layer of dust on the shelves and the coffee table and rotten food in the refrigerator.
Ellie makes a face and closes the door to the kitchen. She makes a fast sweep of the place, securing the windows and the doors. Everything is ruined and in no shape to crash on. The beds are just broken frames, the couch is a rotten rotten shapeless thing the color of shit, and the cabinets and what is left of the huge library shelves on the wall is broken and busted.
"Nice place," Ellie says in a flat tone, with her usual amount of cheerfulness.
"Yeah, right up your alley".
She snorts. "That's rich, coming from you. I saw your place".
You point a warning finger at her, jokingly. "Don't you dare. I live in Jesse's parents back yard. It's a good place".
"You didn't even decorate it".
"You do realize I spent most of my time in his room, right?"
Ellie makes a face and you laugh a humorless laugh. She's jealous and you like it. You find some sort of sick, young satisfaction in knowing just how insecure she is about your relationship with Jesse.
"Ellie," you say her name softly because she's wearing a frown and she's still dirty and sporting horrible blood stricks on her beautiful beautiful beautiful face. She turns her hurt eyes at you and you walk the short distance to her, put your arms around her neck and kiss her on the mouth.
"What does it mean?" she asks softly, in a low voice.
"You're the smart one," you tease. "Figure it out".
She moves slowly and even though you kissed her just now and you kissed her multiple times on your journey to Seattle, you're still a little shocked by the press of her lips against your own and you are frozen for a fraction of a moment when she initiates the next kiss.
You register enough presence of mind when she licks at the bottom of your lip and you kiss her back and let your hands tangle in the hair at the nape of her neck. She wraps her arms around your waist and pulls you closer to her (so close you're flushed together, belly to belly, and there is no room between you).
She kisses you and you pull her close close closer and you think (she's so thin. She's so warm. She's so soft).
After a moment she opens her mouth underneath yours and you don't hesitate to take advantage. A part of you aches at the thought that this is how it always is with the two of you. Ellie is giving so willingly and you take so selfishly and it's fast and sweet and needy and everything young and everything urgent and everything scared.
Ellie is looking at you and you can see the want and the need and the pure love in her eyes. Her eyes and her swollen-lipped smile make you feel giddy and foolish and you're dizzy but in a different kind of way. You're no longer feel sick and you're no longer scared.
You cradle her face gently and your heart swells.
"I love you." She says, shocked and rushed and stammering.
"I love you." You say it back to her and stop holding back. You let your instincts take over and you focus on the feeling instead of the thought and Ellie's breath is hitching and you push her gently, guiding her to the floor and lay on top of her, careful not to crush her.
She laughs a weird laugh that sounds something between a whimper and a moan when you let your weight settle atop of her. her hands find your waist and you revel at how warm her palms feel beneath your shirt.
Ellie's body became a familiar territory. So familiar it feels like an extension of your own. You know how to kiss her and how to touch her and how to press just so to make her cry out.
You're panting against her mouth and she says something stupid about how she makes you forget how to breathe. Then you push your mouth to chase her lips and she gives in. Her tongue slips into your mouth and your mind goes blank.
You can feel urgency with every insistent press of her mouth against yours, though she keeps her hands steady on your waist.
You take her willing hands and guide them under your shirt, pushing them up past your waist. The pads of her fingers brush against the skin of your ribs and your breath catches (every damn time) in your throat.
She's touching you carefully slowly slowly slowly and you grip and her. then her hands move and her thumbs press against the undersides of your breast and you can't stop the moan that rips its way out of your throat.
She stiffens. "You're going to alert the WLFs to out location".
"Sh – shut up." You choke, whine a desperate response (and at this point, you're not even embarrassed).
Ellie laughs and laughs and laughs silent little laughs that shake her chest and make you vibrate with so much desire you almost bite her cheek.
Her lips are back on yours and your hands start itching because Ellie is a damn good kisser and you wanted to do this since the moment you woke up this morning. You want to feel her skin against yours and you tug at her clothes.
Ellie is tucking a stray piece of hair behind your ear. You grab her hips and push, but she flips you over and she is so beautiful, with pink cheeks and bright glossy eyes and a dopey half-smile, you don't fight.
The calm expression on her face is a stark contrast to the frantic need in your chest and you lift your chin in a silent demand for a kiss because she's so beautiful it's hard for you to look at her.
You let yourself get lost in the feeling that is Ellie and her hands and her mouth and her weight above you. You arch and her hand comes to rest on the small of your back. You arch further into her and she ducks trails her lips over your throat.
This, having Ellie like this, makes you shiver. It's everything like electricity and fireworks and a raging storm. T's everything like explosions and fire and it's everything like
(Yes. Yes. Yes).
"Tell me if you want me to stop," Ellie whispers against your skin before pulling your shirt off.
"Don't hold your breath".
She pulls back a little and arches her eyebrow at you. You nod (because she's an idiot and she's a gentle idiot and you love her you love her you love her). she gives several long blinks before pressing her lips back to yours and her hand slides up up up to the clasp of your bra. She undoes it easily and your breath catches (again) when she disconnects herself from you.
She starts stripping her close without fanfare. Your hands twitch when her shirt comes off and she's completely naked in front of you in the dim light that's shining through the broken window of the small apartment.
"Ellie." You say her name like a plea because you want her to touch you and she answers 'yes' under her breath because she knows and dra[s herself over you. A thigh wedges in between your legs and both of you gasp when skin meets hot wet skin.
She kisses you and grinds her hips. The moan that comes out of her mouth sends a flush of heat through your body.
(Your heart skips a beat, like at the drop of a long fall).
Her fingers slip beneath the waistband of your underwear. You take advantage of her momentary hesitation, of the soft look in her mesmerizing eyes and you hold her eyes when you flip her over, trailing your hand past the hip and down the outside of her thigh.
You urge her knee up before closing your eyes and pressing your mouth to her chin, to the newly forming scar just beneath her lower lip.
Ellie exhales a shaky breath and her heartbeat thundering in your ears. She's whispering something and you have to lift your head and look at her to realize what she's saying is "please" and "Dina" and "don't stop".
("Please..." She says. "Fuck..." she says. "please," she says and then. "Yes, yes, yes". She says, "Like this," she says, "Fuck," and then "Dina... Dina... Dina..." and you could listen to her saying your name like this all day long).
You nod and press one last kiss to her lips before mapping your way down her body. Ellie's back arches off of the mattress when you take an already peaked nipple into your mouth and she whines deep in her throat when you suck on the skin.
She shifts her hips impatiently and when you finally feel somewhat satisfied with your exploration, it’s easy so so easy to slip your hand down the flat expanse of her abdomen and sink two fingers into her.
(Her high-pitched moan makes you smile).
"Shh," you whisper to her. "You're going to alert the WLFs to our location".
You move slowly at first, letting her get accustomed to the stretch of your fingers inside her. But then she starts thrusting her hips against your hand (hard hard thrusts) and all rhythm goes out the window because you’re suddenly so lost in her that you're scared you will never be able to recover.
And the way she feels around your fingers makes you moan and pant and sigh.
Your brain gathers enough presence of mind to angle your hand so that your palm can grind against her clit with each thrust and Ellie whimpers and cries and gasps. Then her muscles clench impossibly tight around you and it takes a few thrusts and a curl of your fingers to make her come with your name on her lips.
You use your free hand to lead her mouth back to yours in a messy and you can feel her breath against your face and you feel like nothing can touch you at this moment.
Ellie is looking up at you, her eyes (green green green eyes) are filled with something like wonder and something like happiness and it hurts it hurts it hurts your chest.
You put your head on her shoulder, breathing heavily, but she pushes you gently away.
"What are you doing?" she asks in a wondering sort of whisper before grabbing you and pushing you on your back.
You manage to choke out her name before she strokes down the length of you with practiced fingers and focuses her attention on your clit. You brace yourself against her, digging your fingers in her shoulder, and close your eyes in pure ecstasy.
Ellie is touching you, moving her hand, and you no longer know which way is up and which way is down and where the hell are you and what exactly are you doing here.
"Ellie… Ellie…"
"Tell me if you want me to stop".
"Hell, no".
She keeps pushing, fingers working, wet sounds and dirty whispers and hot cheeks are all a jumble of a long-forgotten world in your nearing-orgasm brain and nothing makes sense anymore, just Ellie's fingers and your rocking hips and her hot hot hot mouth on the sensitive skin of your ear.
"Ah!" you moan. "Ah! Ah, ah, ah".
"Shh." She warns and you bite down on her shoulder to keep from screaming her name as spasm after spasm rolls through your body.
Ellie collapses on top of you, sweaty and smiling and hot and you laugh because you're exhausted and happy and if you don't laugh you're going to cry.
"This QZ…" she says. "It isn't so bad. I mean… I had worse".
(And you can't keep the bubbling laugh that rips through you contained because an hour ago you were sick and scared and trembling in the middle of a street. An hour ago you pulled a trigger on a man and then pulled a trigger on another and then you lost count how many people you've shot. An hour ago you were scared and you were sick and you were so fucking terrified).
(Now, with a shaking hot tired Ellie in your arms, a pleasant pain between your slick thighs, you are miles away. You know tomorrow will be just as scary. You know in a couple of hours it will be light and you will have to let this all go and focus back on finding Tommy, but for now, you hug her and you kiss the top of her head and you think you love her so much you might give up everything for her).
(Everything. Absolutely everything).
(This thought scares you and you tighten your arms around her. She makes a small noise against your throat).
"Ellie?" you say, not sure what you're about to ask, but Ellie is already asleep.