Recovery

“And how did that go?” Dr. Lia asked, watching Y/N as she pulled her legs up to her chest.

It was time for therapy again; Y/N knew it was important but it felt like a little too much today.

“Umm, it was fun for a bit. I got my own tree so that was nice.” Y/N picked at the hem of her pants. “I also, um, I had a pretty bad dissociation episode. Again.”

It had been happening frequently lately; Dr. Lia had been keeping track of the instances with everyone else and they appeared to have gotten worse in the past few weeks, likely attributed to the intense therapy and great work Y/N was doing. Unfortunately, this had made her more aware of her trauma and PTSD, no longer masking symptoms and falling into long periods of dissociation.

Dr. Lia put down her notebook. “And how did that feel? How did it go?”

Y/N sighed. “Well, I don’t remember it, obviously. But Bucky and Wanda were there. They got me away from the group. They said I was upset about my tree; some kid said something and I snapped back to my headspace too fast and started overthinking and all.”

Dr. Lia nodded. “That sounds right. That kind of environment with the level of excitement you were experiencing could definitely make you more vulnerable to triggers, especially someone voicing your own doubts.”

She leaned forward. “Y/N, there is no shame in using age regression as a coping mechanism. I know how scary it can be for you, to be caught between all of the different versions of you in your head, when you`re internalizing or you`re stuck. But you have no reason to be ashamed. You were hurt very deeply for most of your life and no one, absolutely no one, would judge you for this if they knew your story.”

Y/N looked down. “But I was strong enough to get through all that, why am I having so much trouble now? Why cant I just suck it up and be an adult? Is it all for attention? And I cant even stay in my own head. I keep spacing out and then everyone has to try to get me back and its so frustrating, I have no control over it! And it`s not going away!”

Dr. Lia sighed. “Y/N, that is a trauma response and a legit, recognized disorder caused by years of abuse. It could very likely never go away. We just have to learn how to cope with it now.”

“But how can I cope with it if I`m not even able to control it?”

Dr. Lia leaned back, crossing her legs thoughtfully. “Well, one possibility is getting a service animal, a psychiatric service dog, to help alert you in those instances. It is a responsibility but you have a large support team, your whole family will be here for you. And I honestly think you`re doing so much better. You`re not in crisis anymore, now we are just adjusting to the effects of your life and how to cope with it now.”

Y/N looked up. “I think…I think that`s something I`d like. The service dog, I mean. I didn’t used to want one but not anymore. I think you`re right.”

Dr. Lia smiled. “Well, I`ll write you a form then.”

Y/N watched. “So what do I do then?”

Dr. Lia began to look through her desk. “You could either adopt your own dog and have it trained or you could adopt from an agency with already trained dogs. They tend to be a lot more expensive but its understandable. Plus your parents are the Starks so that won`t be an issue. It`s up to you.”

Y/N bit her lip. “I think one already trained would be good; I don’t think I would be able to train one.”

Dr. Lia smiled. “That`s okay, that doesn’t make you any less of a person. I`m proud of you for being able to identify that.” She started writing out a script. “Do you want me to call your parents down and explain it to them?”

Y/N nodded vigorously. “Yes please.”

---

Unfortunately the process of finding a service animal was lengthy, even with the Stark name. Weeks would pass before any headway would be made. Instead, it was time to continue on with the holiday season and have a Hallmark date. Which led to this argument across the kitchen bar at breakfast.

“Wanda, light of my life, I love you but I will absolutely not Hallmark with you.” Y/N protested.

Wanda rolled her eyes. “Y/N, it`s literally just a date in which we will be doing couple-y things, that happens to take place during the holiday season.”

“But its so stereotyped!”

“Maybe for good reason! Because its fun!”

Y/N dropped her head to the counter with a frustrated sigh. “But Hallmark movies are so gross. They`re all the same; so white, so straight, so sexist and stupid. The only holiday movies I watch are Happiest Season, the classic kids ones, Home Alone, Elf, and Last Christmas, which I don’t think can even really count because it makes me bawl my eyes out and there`s nothing romantic about dripping snot! So there`s not a Hallmark movie in sight!”

She continued gesticulating wildly as Wanda and the team watched in amusement.

“And that`s another thing! They`re doing too much! The expectations for anyone who likes anyone during this stupid season are so ridiculously high that everyone`s in a constant state of anxiety. Why do they do so much? And not even dressed in warm clothes! Why is everyone suddenly an Olympic ice skater who doesn’t need layers? Who doesn’t need layers? I do! So I what I cant look that cute; at least I`m not going to freeze my ass off!”

Wanda caught Y/N`s hands midair and pulled them between the couple. “Y/N, your opinions are valid. But will you please go on a date with me anyway? We cannot simply become recluses because it happens to be the holiday season.”

She looked into Y/N`s face with her best puppy dog eyes. “Please?”

Y/N sighed. “Fine. But you`re planning it.”

And that`s how Y/N found herself bundled up in more layers than she had fingers out in the middle of a froken lake where she could absolutely drown and turn into a revised Capsicle.

“When we get back, I`m telling the boys about this. Steve would never stand for this.” Y/N grumbled goodnaturedly.

Wanda laughed. “You`re right, he couldn`t stand, he`d be falling!”

Y/N had to admit, it was rather enjoyable to spend this time with Wanda, skating around in the cold with the occasional flurry. She could hold hands if she wanted, let go and race if it warmed up enough for competition. And Wanda`s face was so lit with joy, how could she feel the cold that close to the sun?

Eventually, the constant circle of scenery grew old and they cuddled up in one of the large, empty chairs next to the bonfire. Hot cocoa with cinnamon, whipped cream, and peppermint crumble was pressed between their hands as soft holiday tunes played.

Y/N leaned her head back to whisper in her girlfriend`s ear. “I wouldn`t mind this being a Hallmark movie right about now.”

Wanda smirked. “I bet you wouldn`t.” And tilted her head to kiss her girlfriend sweetly.

When they broke apart, Y/N touched her girlfriend`s cheek. “I`m really grateful to have you. And this time together. Living with you is just so normal, so safe and happy, that sometimes I forget to show you just how much I love you. You`re my person and I want you to know that, even if I`m not all over you anymore. Or at least in a different way.”

Wanda curled into her girlfriend. “Love, of course I know. I have never felt more peace and happiness than I have living with you for all this time. And I am so grateful to you for sharing yourself and your trust with me.”

Y/N smiled bitterly. “Even when I can`t even be myself? I love you so much, Wanda, and it feels so unfair. If there was a different version of me, a better, healthier one, I`d leave me in a heartbeat for her world.”

Wanda frowned. “Y/N, you are my world. I could never leave you.”

Many moments passed in comfortable silence before it was time to head home. Huddled together, hand in hand, Y/N rested her head on Wanda`s shoulder. “So when I get this service animal, are we naming it together or what?”

Wanda smiled softly. “Now that`s an adult thing to do.”

---

It was a Tuesday when Nat brought up the idea.

“Like a farmer`s market but more Christmas village, you know? Lots of stalls and sweets, handmade things. Most of the holiday shopping is done but it could be nice!”

Y/N jumped at the chance. But for the others, a Tuesday during December is crunch time; meetings were the top priority. To be completely honest, Y/N wasn’t sure Natasha hadn`t killed someone to get out of whatever meeting everyone else was attending. But it was an outing with Nat and she was happy just to be going so she absolutely would not rat her out to anyone about it.

Being an international super spy like she was, Nat clocked the second Y/N regressed. In the midst of so many shiny, wonderful, magical things, it was impossible not to. Y/N`s hands were pressed to her cheeks and her jaw hanging in astonishment.

“Tashy! Look at all the colors!” Y/N stared unblinking at a stained glass suncatcher which was throwing color all over the soft snow of the outdoor market. She poked her toes in and out of the colored spots, inadvertently denting the snow. Natasha laughed and took the girl`s hand, gently pulling her along to the next booth.

They carried on like this for awhile, Y/N leading Natasha around the market with her sense of wonder. At one point, they reached a wood carver`s station, with nutcrackers on display. Suddenly, the girl got very quiet. Natasha crouched down to observe her face.

“Do see one that you like, зайка?” she murmured, tracking the girl`s withdrawn expression.

Y/N blinked once. “I had one for a long time but I don’t have it anymore. They didn’t give it back. I don’t know if it was ever mine.”

Natasha`s heart fell. The girl was talking about her birth family. She squeezed Y/N`s hand. “Well why don’t you pick one out? We`ll bring it home with us and you can put it next to mine. I used to dance in the ballet too.”

Such a simple gesture and yet it dissolved the dark clouds of earlier. Y/N lit up in the most beautiful smile before hesitantly stepping up to the counter. She walked along the edge, gently running her finger over the bases of the wooden stands while Natasha prepared her death stare in case the shopkeeper even dared to demand hands off. Eventually, the perfect nutcracker was chosen and wrapped up in brown paper. Natasha folded the edge over so that Y/N could peek at its face as they walked along.

“Now let`s go get you something to eat.” Natasha concluded, before picking one of the many available booths teeming with warm pastries and delicious steamed drinks. Two marzipan scones balanced in hand with a white mocha coffee and hot chocolate, Natasha took her receipt.

“Let`s go find somewhere to sit, зайка.” She turned.

Y/N was gone.

Instant dread flooded Natasha`s veins like ice. “Y/N?” She scanned the area for the girl`s bright red scarf but it was nowhere to be found.

“Y/N? Y/N, where are you?” she called, rushing over to the next aisle of stalls. Y/N was standing in the middle of a station of Christmas trees, running her hands over their branches before threading through the row. She looked like any other twenty-something woman, picking out a tree for her college apartment. But Natasha knew better. The heat of relief flushed through her before her heart restarted.

“Y/N! What are you doing?” she called, firmly.

Y/N froze and turned to face Natasha, color draining. Natasha hurried over.

“What were you thinking? You`re supposed to stay with me! You could’ve been lost in here! Come on, we need to find a place to sit.” Natasha herded the girl over to a sitting area, setting down their drinks and food before turning to the girl.

“Are you alright? You`re not hurt anywhere?”

Y/N looked down and wordlessly handed the wrapped nutcracker to Natasha.

“What are you doing? Did it break?” Natasha rushed to inspect the toy but it was whole. “What`s wrong with it, Y/N?”

Y/N shook her head. “I was bad so you can take it.”

Natasha sighed. “No, Y/N, you are not going to be punished like that. I wont do that. You scared me because I couldn’t find you. I know that you can take care of yourself but right now you need me to keep you safe.”

Y/N frowned. “I`m sorry, Tashy. I don’t know who you want me to be.”

“Yourself, зайка. Whether you are big or small, you are still you. We all need someone to keep us safe sometimes and today was one of those times. You need to tell me before you leave to see something else. It`s been a long day and we`re both tired but we have to stay together, ok?” She waited for the girl to nod. “Okay, now eat your scone. I got you hot cocoa to warm you up.”

Y/N cocked her head in confusion. “But I was bad?”

Natasha vehemently shook her head. “You still need to eat, love. I told you that I`m not going to punish you. You weren’t bad, you just got confused. That`s okay. We still had a really fun day, right?”

Y/N smiled faintly. “Yeah.”

Natasha nodded. “And we will continue to have fun. This little bump in the road isn’t going to stop up, right?”

Y/N giggled. “Nope!”

“Alright, then eat your marzipan, silly girl.” Natasha smiled, poking the girl before turning to her own coffee.