Recovery

“So sleeping. How`s that going for you?”

You laid on the armchair with your legs over the side, almost upside down, as Dr. Lia watched. You sighed.

“Its not great. Wanda and I sleep together almost every night but it doesn’t really help.”

“Can you talk about what happens?”

You watched the shadows on the ceiling as you responded. “So I go to sleep okay, because she`s there and I have a nightlight. But I still have nightmares every night, I still wake up in the middle of the night or in the morning really freaking confused.”

You paused. “My dreams are so real, its scary. I wake up and I don’t know whether it was a memory or a dream or what`s going on in my head.”

You closed your eyes. “I just want to stop waking up scared and confused. I want to be able to sleep without being in a constant state of anxiety in my dreams.”

Dr. Lia nodded. “When you feel like that, scared and anxious and depressed, what do you want? What do you need?”

You felt tears start to spring in frustration. “I want to stop worrying, I want someone to take care of me so that I don’t have to take care of myself! That’s all I`ve ever done, is fight for myself and keep myself going and I`m really fucking tired. I`m so exhausted.”

She sat down on the floor, leaning against the chair you were draped across.

“You took care of yourself a lot, didn’t you?”

You nodded. “It wasn’t always bad. They weren’t always mean or uncaring. They were just busy. My siblings had a lot of issues and they needed more help than me. I mean, I didn’t have to cook for myself or anything, but emotionally and with other people and in school stuff? I was kinda on my own. And then when she decided to homeschool me, I did that all on my own. That was where it started to fall apart.”

“And in high school? Forget it. I was never good enough. I was constantly overworking myself and trying to find myself and make friends and trying to backtrack and cover things up when they never approved of anything I did. I was constantly hiding and lying and shutting down my emotions, to protect myself, to not let them hurt me anymore.”

“I`m just so confused, its so complicated. I`m tired of it being complicated. I just want to be taken care of, to be safe.”

Dr. Lia nodded as she passed you a tissue. You wiped away the tears and tried to steady your breathing.

“Do you feel overwhelmed?”

You snorted. “I shouldn’t, I really shouldn’t. Because things are so much better here. All the bad stuff should just go away. But it won`t. Its really overwhelming because I need to be happy and better but I can`t.”

Dr. Lia smiled. “First off all, there is no such thing as ‘you should be’ whatever. You have to take things at your own pace.” Dr. Lia picked up a basket from next to the chair filled with fidget-y things. You quickly grabbed a Jacob`s Ladder toy and started playing with it.

Dr. Lia continued. “Secondly, what you need is what you need. No one should judge you any differently for that. You`ve been fighting so hard for so long; yes, you may be an adult now but what you need is a break. You need someone to take care of you when you feel like this. And there`s nothing wrong with that. You did all of your grown-up thinking and problem solving when you were a kid. Now you`re an adult but your brain is tired of being an adult.”

You nodded. “Yeah, that sounds about right. So what do I do? Because that’s where I`m really at a loss. I know all this stuff, I`m discovering all this stuff here but I don’t know what to do with it all.”

Dr. Lia shrugged. “Well, you know yourself best; I`m only here to offer suggestions. What I would suggest for now is to take a break. Call some friends, hang out with people. Do something that involves being with other people instead of managing other people.”

You chewed your lip. “Yeah, I could do that.”

Dr. Lia looked at the clock. “Well, that’s all for today but I`ll do some thinking, yeah? Next time we meet, we`ll talk about coping stuff we can do, maybe make some slime or something.”

You smiled. “Slime is the best.”

As you made your way out of the room, Dr. Lia nodded before jotting a few notes down.

---

You banged on Bucky and Steve`s door. “Hey Buckaroo!”

He opened it with an eyebrow raised. He had become used to your dramatic entrances and no longer rushed to rip open the door like he used to, afraid that something terrible was happening. He just leaned against the doorframe.

“What?”

“How do you feel about a Death Divas reunion?”

He grinned. “Always.”

You clapped. “Awesome. I`m going to go annoy the shit out of Loki until he answers. How do you feel about tomorrow?”

Back in your room, you set up the spell Loki had taught you to get into instant communication with him. The air shimmered like a ringing phone.

“Loki.”

“Hey Loki.”

“Lokirooney.”

“Lokitty-cat.”

“Lokister.”

“Lokum.”

“Lokillikins.”

“Thor gives better hugs than you.”

“WHAT?” Loki`s annoyed face appeared in the middle of your room. You jumped before grinning.

“Just kidding! You give the best hugs. Hey, how do you feel about a Death Divas reunion?” you asked.

He chuckled. “Do you even have to ask?”

You squealed. “Yes! Its spooky season and I`m so excited, you should know. So how about tomorrow afternoon?”

He winked. “Sounds fabulous. See you tomorrow!”

Going to sleep that night, you felt a little better, excited to hang out with your friends again.