Part Three
“Ellie…” Dina whispers and it breaks Ellie’s resolve into a million pieces. This is why she doesn’t come to town, seeing Dina and knowing she broke her heart, it’s far too much for what little is left of Ellie’s fragile mental state to handle. It’s too overwhelming for her.
All the brunette can do is nod her head, her eyes turned down to the ground almost in shame. What right does she have to be here? “I’m sorry, Dina.”
Dina holds up her hand to stop Ellie before she can say anything else, the brunette hangs her head and watches as Dina’s eyes harden as they flicker between her and the little boy that went to search her out.
Jesse Joel is completely oblivious to the anguish going through both his Mama and his Mommy, the way their eyes keep failing to meet and the tremble that seems to go through both of them. He has no clue what has just been brought back to the table after years of a permanently closed discussion.
“It wasn’t his fault.” Ellie speaks again, after giving Dina the chance to and the older woman refusing to.
Dina’s head sharply turns from Ellie to JJ and back to Ellie again, an eyebrow raising as she hears her girl - former girlfriend - stand up for the child.
“Don’t be mad at him, those older boys brought him to my house and then they just… left him behind.” Ellie tries not to tremble in rage as the finality of it all sinks into her. Jesse Joel had been safe because it had be her house and her that snuck up on the boys. If it had been someone else, or god forbid an infected?
Her little boy wouldn’t have stood a chance.
“Don’t tell me how to raise my son.” Dina says coolly, her voice harsh and demanding as she refuses to budge even a little bit towards her Ellie.
The moment she had seen the two of them holding hands, talking to each other, an ache had started in her heart and it still chipped away at her. How dare Ellie come back in and make her feel like that? Especially with JJ. Ellie knows how much Dina used to crumble seeing them together, Ellie knows that the two of them are Dina’s weakness, Ellie knows -
“Our son.” Ellie has the gall to whisper, though she looks like she wishes she could take it back immediately. Ellie knows that she took it all too far.
Dina spins on her heel, moving quickly to look Ellie dead in the eye. Face to face, eye to eye, anger flowing over top of her with only one outlet.
“Don’t you dare…” Dina warns her threateningly. “You made your choice Ellie, now you have to live with it.”
“I made a mistake.” Ellie whispers, finally looking Dina in the eyes, able to see the tears that gather in them. “I should have never left him… or you, Dina.”
The next few moments go by and it feels like the longest moment of Ellie Williams’ entire life.
Dina turns away from Ellie and towards Jesse Joel, her demand short and simple. He is to get back inside the gates, and go find his Granny. She doesn’t want him around right now and it doesn’t take a genius to figure out that Dina doesn’t want him to hear whatever she’s about to yell at Ellie. The firm look on the girl’s face isn’t surprising, Ellie knows Dina is about to go off and she thinks to herself that at least she has the decency to not let JJ hear what’s being argued between them.
What is surprising, to both Ellie and Dina, is the way that the newly seven year old child squares his feet and stays firmly in place. He shakes his head forcefully, and as his Mother stares him down, he dares to yell at her. “No, I just met her, I’m not leaving Mommy Ellie! I want more time with her!”
Dina is taken just as aback as Ellie is.
“It’s okay, JJ.” Ellie whispers, unable to read the expression on Dina’s face as she continues to stare.
He shakes his head less forcefully this time, his tears spilling over and falling down his cheeks. “I don’t want me and Mama to lose you again. It makes Mama cry.”
Dina goes red as she’s sold down the river by her own son, but it’s not in anger, it’s in embarrassment.
“Fine.” She whispers, glancing between her crying son and the look of devastation on the woman who left her behind all those years ago. “But we are going to go inside where it’s safe, is that a deal?”
Her question is more directed at Ellie. It’s been five and a half years since the woman entered Jackson. If she wants to apologize, she’ll have to start by facing the demons she created last time she was home.
“Deal.” Ellie says solemnly, but only for a second, the frown on her face replaced with the lightest of smiles as Jesse Joel skips back to her and takes her injured hand again. Dina notices neither of them flinch.
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No sooner do they get inside of Dina’s little home, than JJ takes the lead, pulling Ellie every which way to show her all of his things. “These are my toys, and those are my books, and these are my drawings, and do you want to see my room?!” He’s a bundle of energy that Ellie can hardly keep up with.
All of the energy was taken out of her the moment she saw Dina, and she’s been running off of emotions since. She wants to be excited, but she’s exhausted.
“JJ, go do your homework.” Dina warns the little boy, and this time he thankfully listens, though he does fix both his Mama and Ellie a look before he disappears into his bedroom to do the school work he should have been working on at the park.
“You’ll still be here when I come back, right?”
Ellie bows her head. She is not sure. Jesse Joel seems to take it though, and he runs over quickly to wrap his arms around her shoulders. He squeezes her tightly before he turns back to his bedroom.
The moment he’s out of ear shot, Dina’s voice cuts the air like a knife. “What did you tell him, Ellie?”
“Nothing.” She breathes out shakily.
“Bullsh-” Dina is cut off by Ellie’s stare, her eyes are big and hurt, like every word that Dina has said is slowly killing her. Dina wants to dive that knife in more… to make Ellie feel everything that she’s felt over the past nearly six years. That dull pain.
But she can’t.
“He already knew, Dina.” Ellie explains, voice raspy.
Dina moves to the fridge, grabs the water jug and pours Ellie a glass. As she hands it to her, she can’t help but hold onto it a little too long, a shuddering breath escaping as one of Ellie’s uninjured fingers, brushes against hers with the softest of touches.
“He came to my house, and he saw my face, and he knew who I was…” She continues, taking a sip of the water slowly. “He said that you told him about me.”
Dina nods her head.
“Why, Dina, after all I did?”
“Because you are his mother.” The answer is short, and simple. It needs no further explanation but still, Dina does. “You’ve been his Mother since you first held him and cut the cord. Fuck… You were his Mother even before that.” The voice that was harsh and low and angry is slowly replaced with something…
Something very different.
“You would kiss my stomach, and hold it close to you, and whisper in the middle of the night when you thought I was asleep. It’s your voice that calmed him the first three months of life, not mine.”
Ellie can’t tell that there is a tear rolling down her cheek until Dina reaches across the table to catch it.
“He used to look at me, and gurgle, and smile at me because I was his Mama… I made his milk, and fed him. He needed me to survive, and so he smiled.”
Ellie feels the catch in her breath as Dina takes her hand across the table and studies it, finger running over every bump and vein, like she’s examining it in it’s entirety to make sure that it’s all real.
“He used to look at you and smile Ellie because you were his Mommy and he knew you.” She pauses, voice strained from trying not to cry. “I knew you too.”
“You still do.” Ellie whispers, linking her uninjured fingers around Dina’s own, holding her hand the best she can. “I’m sorry I left you both, Dina, I won’t… I won’t do that ever again. I was stupid.”
In those few words, Dina sobers up, taking her hand back from Ellie and brushing the tears from her own eyes as she stares her down. “I can’t trust you, Ellie.”
Ellie nods her head. That was their problem last time she came back. She had rode into town, went to Dina and apologized for all that happened. She had promised not to leave again, and Dina had told her that she couldn’t trust her. Heartbroken, Ellie had done the exact thing she promise she wouldn’t do… She had left again, for the outskirts of town. Give Dina some space until she could trust her again.
Some space had turned into months, and then years.
Ellie Williams knew now that giving Dina space was where she had messed up, she had proven that Dina couldn’t trust her. She had no intention of doing that again. “Then I’ll be right here waiting until you do.”
Dina stared at her for a moment, before a small whisper escaped her lips. “You can stay until he goes to bed. He’ll be cross if I let you leave before then.”
Ellie nodded. It wasn’t much, but it was a start.
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After Jesse Joel went to bed, his arms having needed to be pried away from Ellie so that he could go to sleep, the boy crying the entire time, Dina had turned around to find Ellie nowhere in the house.
Instead of sighing or cursing Ellie out, instinctively Dina knew to find the other woman sitting on the porch, eyes closed and body trembling violently.
“He’s fine, Ellie, I swear.” She sat beside her, reaching a hand out to hold Ellie’s as they shook still. “I had to promise him that you’d still be here tomorrow.”
Ellie opened an eye cautiously to look at Dina.
“Don’t make me a liar, Ellie, especially not to our son.” Dina spoke dryly, more to the open air than the woman planted beside her. Ellie heard her anyways.
“I can stay?” Ellie sounded hopeful.
Dina nodded her head, a loud sigh escaping her thin frame as she set her conditions down. “For the night. The couch is pretty comfortable for a night’s rest.”
Ellie smiled softly, turning to Dina with gratitude on her lips, before the woman’s next words caught her off guard and put a swell of hope in her stomach.
The first swell of hope she had in six years.
“If you’re still here by the weekend, we can talk about moving you to a more comfortable bed.” Dina smirked a little, a softness once again in her eyes.
“Yes, Ma’am.”