The night air wafted through the bathroom window, a cold reminder of the coming winter.
Fuck.
Ellie shivered, her eyes opening, pulling herself from her thoughts.
Dina had invited her to the bonfire tonight.
Dina.
Had fucking.
Invited her.
Whatever. She’s gonna show up with Jesse. It’s not… ugh don’t make it a thing, Ellie. You have a girlfriend, Ellie.
She traced her fingertips along the outline of the tattoo on her right arm.
Dina’s laugh echoed between her ears. It had taken Cat a few sessions to complete the tattoo… ink wasn’t exactly easy to come by. And the first time Dina had seen the beginnings of it - she’d laughed. Well, giggled.
“A moth? Sexy, El,” Dina’s smile lit up her eyes as they fell on the first portions of the tattoo, her tone flat and sarcastic. Acid burned in Ellie’s stomach.
“Okay, not sharing shit with you again,” Ellie said, motioning to roll her sweatshirt sleeve back down.
“No!” Dina said, stepping forward. “No,” she repeated, more softly now, reaching out her hand to touch Ellie’s and pull the sleeve back up. She could have said anything in that moment and Ellie wouldn’t have heard - all she could feel was Dina’s warm, soft fingertips slowly guiding her hand back up her arm. Ellie involuntarily shivered, flicking her tongue out to lick her bottom lip. She couldn’t meet Dina’s eyes.
“I like it,” Dina whispered, leaving her hand on Ellie’s for a fraction of a second too long.
Not long enough, Ellie remembered thinking.
“I’ll like it more when it’s finished,” Dina continued, louder now, signature sarcasm coating her voice. “But it’s cool.”
Settling in Jackson had been so full of differing emotions for Ellie. It wasn’t long after that conversation with Dina that she’d ventured on her own to Salt Lake, back to the hospital where… Ellie couldn’t even think about it as she threw her head back under the warm water. If she didn’t focus, she’d run out before she finished her shower. Her body trembled as she finished washing her hair. She reached out and closed the bathroom window, but she was lying to herself: she wasn’t shivering because of the fuckin’ cold.
She methodically reached out and turned off the faucet, the water slowing to a drip. Ellie stared at the drops coming from the shower head. She tried to pull the faucet further, but it wouldn’t come.
Fuck. Gonna have to fix that, she thought, wondering if she could muster the courage to ask Joel to borrow his tools or just get some from Tommy.
She sighed, stepping out of the shower and wrapping a towel around herself. She wondered if Joel would come by the bonfire. He didn’t go to all the town gatherings, but sometimes he stopped by if there was music involved, especially if it meant an opportunity to play. The kids love when Joel played. And even if he didn’t admit it aloud, he loved playing for them.
An ache formed in Ellie’s chest as she stepped from her bathroom into her room: Cat was all over it, and she’d been thinking about Dina. A few of Cat’s sketches were strewn about, a flannel, a stray sock on the corner… The first mock-up Cat and Ellie had done together of Ellie’s tattoo hung above her desk, a little faded now. Ellie hadn’t even talked to Cat about the bonfire. Was that on purpose?
Not like she talked to you about it, either.
I guess.
Maybe I’ll stop by before I go. Grab her. She likes surprises.
A small smile made its way up her lips: she liked surprising Cat. And it was so goddamn hard to do - her girlfriend was so eclectic that everything seemed like a constant surprise.
Ellie rolled her left shoulder - she’d hurt it on patrol earlier. That was fucking annoying. Maybe Dina would give her a back massage later.
Or Cat.
Or Cat, yes, fuck, Dina just gives good ones.
Sure, El.
Ellie never would have expected to have feelings for not one but two people in Jackson… she kinda thought, well she kinda thought that after Riley maybe the whole “relationship” thing wasn’t for her. But, try as she may, pesky little emotions appeared and took over her waking moments.
She rolled her shoulder again.
Fucking runner. It came out of nowhere and barreled into her - knocked her gun clear out of her grasp. She’d barely gotten to reach for her switchblade. How embarrassing it would have been to have been taken down by one fucking runner.
She looked over at a growing pile of dirty clothes - she didn’t have much clean so she’d have to figure out mixing and matching shit from her laundry. Jeans from two days ago? Yeah, sure. Yesterday’s white tank-top? Yeah it smelled fine. Favorite flannel? Obviously.
Ellie pulled on the clothes, her mind still wandering between Dina and Cat. If she was honest with herself, her mind wandered to Dina a lot these days. Had it always done that? She thought about Cat a lot, too, and even Jesse. It wasn’t like it was just Dina.
Sometimes it’s just Dina.
A sigh escaped her lips - sometimes her mind’s sass was too much even for her. Was this how people felt whenever she spoke? That was fucking annoying.
She stepped over and took the somewhat smooth, somewhat faded wood of her guitar into her hands.
The bonfire was probably starting, but Ellie was rarely on time for anything, especially anything that involved a crowd. Get there a little late and she could sneak in, find a quiet corner. Dina would undoubtedly be flittering around from group to group, talking with everyone, dancing with Jesse and other people… fuck was her energy infectious.
Ellie strummed the strings of the guitar, picking a few every now and then, not playing much of anything. Whenever Joel came out and played for the town, he always asked her to play, but Ellie never had. Everyone knew she played, of course, but it was something… it was something that was kind of just hers. She didn’t know what she’d do if everyone’s eyes were on her, watching, waiting, listening…
Ugh that was scarier than 5 clickers coming right at her.
She put the guitar back on its stand and grabbed her handgun from her desk. She didn’t expect to have to use it but they’d had some surprise attacks by hunters before, so everyone was always ready for anything. Pulling on her jacket, she grabbed her switchblade from its spot on the side table by the door, too.
The night wasn’t too cold but the breeze bit a little bit as Ellie walked through the street to Cat’s. Wasn’t a terrible walk, ten minutes tops, but Ellie liked being out in the fresh air. It cleansed a little bit of her anxieties from before. The sky was clear, the air tasted crisp and cool - it was going to be a good night.
Bonfire with your girlfriend.
And Dina.
And your girlfriend.
And Dina.
Jesus.
“Aw, were you coming to pick me up, baby?” a soft, faux-wooed voice came from ahead of her. Ellie hadn’t even realized she’d been looking at her feet as she walked. She raised her eyes to see Cat moving toward her.
“Oh, um, yeah,” Ellie said, a little sheepishly.
“I was coming to pick you up,” Cat continued. “But you’re always one step ahead.”
“Yeah right,” Ellie said, talking Cat’s hand in hers. They fit together so well. Cat’s hands were slightly smaller, more deft, so much better with small details in art than Ellie’s could ever hope to be.
Cat leaned in, her breath hot on Ellie’s ear.
“You look cute,” she whispered, and Ellie could feel a smile dancing its way up her lips.
“Not as cute as you,” Ellie countered.
“Well, beauty in the eye of beholder and all that bullshit,” Cat said, pulling away and beginning to pull Ellie down the street. “Come on, we’re gonna be late.”
“We’re already late.”
“Come ooooooon.”
The bonfire was already built and roaring when they arrived, and it seemed like several people were playing instruments and singing in different places around the small park. Liquor and beer were flowing, everyone’s skin flushing slightly from the mix of alcohol and the chill of the air.
Smiles abounded, kids were laughing, teenagers and adults flirting…
It always made Ellie wonder if this was how life had always been before the Outbreak.
“Ellie!” a familiar voice called. That voice. Warm, confident, Ellie liked hearing that voice say her name.
Dina was standing with Jesse and a group of her friends. Ellie immediately stiffened.
“Oh come on, they’re not gonna bite,” Cat whispered. “Not today at least.”
“Dark,” Ellie joked, and Cat raised her eyebrows.
“Over here, Ellie!” Dina called again, waving them over.
“Yeah I see ya, hold your horses,” Ellie said as she and Cat approached the group.
“I heard that,” Dina said.
“Well I didn’t whisper,” Ellie quipped.
“How’s the shoulder?” Jesse asked, his eyes meeting Ellie’s. He’d been with her on patrol earlier. Probably would have leapt to the rescue if he hadn’t have been fighting off the infected that had jumped him. They were getting sneakier.
“S’fine,” Ellie said. “How’s your face?” she asked, staring at the bruise that was already forming around his jaw. His infected had knocked him straight into an old, rusted car and he’d fallen face-first into the driver’s side mirror.
“Attractive as ever,” he said, holding his head high.
“I wouldn’t know,” Ellie said, then smiled.
“Oh I love this song!” Dina said, her excitement buzzing from every inch of her skin. She grabbed Jesse’s hand. “Dance with me.”
“Ah, I think I want another drink,” Jesse said, planting his feet.
“Oh come on,” Dina whined. He gave her an apologetic smile. “Fine,” she sighed, and turned to Ellie. “Don’t leave a girl hanging, Ellie. Can I borrow her, Cat?” Cat dropped Ellie’s hand and shrugged.
Ellie’s skin suddenly felt like it was on fire. No. She wasn’t… she didn’t want to… uh… she needed a drink, too. Yeah, yeah that sounded like a better idea.
“I’m with Jesse,” Ellie said, and Dina whined so loudly that any clickers within a fifteen mile radius probably heard.
“Killin’ me, you’re killin’ me! Cat? Anyone?” Dina said, looking around at the group. “You guys are so boring,” she sighed.
“Fine,” Ellie said, and the smile that lit up Dina’s face almost knocked Ellie off her feet. She considered dancing with Dina instead of pushing Cat on her for that smile alone. But she was still too nervous. She pushed Cat forward from her elbow. “You break her, you buy her.”
“Ouch,” Cat said. “The betrayal.” She held her hand to her chest, clutching a faux wound. Ellie leaned forward and offered Cat a small kiss on her lips. “Apology accepted,” she said softly as Ellie pulled away.
“One drink,” Dina said, staring daggers at Ellie. “Then we boogie.”
“I don’t boogie,” Ellie said, serious as stone.
“You say that now,” Dina said, walking backwards toward the fire, Cat’s hand in hers. Ellie couldn’t quite tell if the rumbling feeling in her gut was jealousy of Dina, Cat, or what.
Fuck.
She turned toward Jesse, who put his drink down to pour one for Ellie.
“Those women, man, they’re gonna be the death of us,” he said.
“You’re tellin’ me,” Ellie said, taking the whiskey he offered. She brought it to her lips, remembering the time in the mall she had drank some with Riley. It had been gross then. Not anymore, now she welcomed its smooth sting.
She sipped slowly as the fire lit up the park, its flames casting light on Dina and Cat’s smiling, sweaty faces, catching them at all the right angles.
Yeah, them. Cuz you’re staring at both of them, huh, El?
Could you shut the fuck up?
The song subsided after a few minutes, only for the beat to pick up even more as another song began. Ellie watched as Dina cheered, quickening the pace of her movements.
It was weird to watch them together. Ellie never really thought that Dina liked Cat. But they seemed to be enjoying each other’s company as they danced. They looked over at Ellie every now and then, obviously trying to size up when she was going to be done with her drink. Ellie sipped slower still.
“You know she’ll just come pull us over there if we stay here too long, right?” Jesse said from beside her.
“Yeah,” Ellie sighed, and took the rest of her drink in one gulp, setting fire to the back of her throat. She placed the glass down on a tree stump beside her and slowly made her way toward Cat and Dina. This was going to be fine. Totally fine. Totally cool.
“Joel!” some small voices came from the other side of the fire. “Joel, Joel, play something!”
Relief washed over Ellie as some of the commotion began to die down. People always stopped doing whatever they were doing to listen to Joel play.
Ellie got closer to Dina and Cat, and Dina grabbed her by the hand and pulled her towards Joel.
Fuck. She and Joel hadn’t even really talked since Salt Lake. She loved to hear him play, but couldn’t she do it from the shadows? Why was Dina pulling her over to a log so close to Joel?
Then Ellie realized Dina’s hand was in hers. Well, actually, her hand was in Dina’s. She stiffened. She looked around for Cat, who seemed to have disappeared toward Jesse to get a drink. As they sat down on the log and began listening to Joel play, Ellie realized Dina wasn’t letting go of her hand. Ellie felt Dina’s fingers briefly open and she quickly dropped her grip. Had she had half a second more time, she probably would have pulled it away so quickly she would have smacked herself in the face. But instead of fully letting go of her hand, Dina snaked their fingers together.
Dina didn’t know everything about what had happened in Salt Lake, she didn’t even know the whole story of Joel and Ellie crossing the country from Boston, but she knew Ellie and Joel weren’t the same when Ellie returned from the second journey to that hospital. She’d sat with Ellie and let her cry. Well, angrily storm around with tears in her eyes was more accurate. Ellie had hated every second, but it also had been a relief. Ellie hadn’t even cried with Cat about any of it.
But something about Dina… it was easier to be herself with Dina. Sometimes. Maybe. Panic-inducing, yes, but also sometimes easier.
It wasn’t the first time they’d held hands or anything. Dina was… Dina. She was boisterous and affectionate and touchy.
It doesn’t mean anything, Ellie. She’s here with her boyfriend, you’re here with your girlfriend. She’s holding your hand because Joel’s staring at you and singing. Oh fuck he’s staring at you.
As soon as she registered this, he looked away toward the fire. She couldn’t tell if it was because she had noticed or if he was just looking around and happened to be looking at her when she finally came back into the moment.
The song was quiet, simple, melancholy in places but hopeful in more. It was one of his favorites. He’d played it for Ellie a few times. She didn’t recognize it but he told her it was a popular song when he was younger.
Besides the bonfire, most movement in the park had stopped. Almost everyone had stopped talking, singing, dancing, and playing to listen to Joel. Ellie had always admired that quiet charisma he had.
The song came to a close and he ended it with a low strum, letting the ending notes echo in the night air. He looked up and smiled at some of the kids in front of him. Everybody clapped. Someone yelled “ENCORE!” a little drunkenly.
“Wanna give it a go, kiddo?” he asked, his voice low, raspy, soft. Ellie didn’t even fully realize what he had asked until he held out the guitar toward her.
Those were the first words he’d said to her since Salt Lake. Well, the first real words.
Dina squeezed her hand and looked from Ellie’s eyes toward the guitar.
“You wanna play, El?” she asked, a small grin on her face, her eyes lighting up at the idea of getting to hear Ellie play.
“Oh, uh,” Ellie began, stammering.
“She’s real good,” Joel said, looking toward the kids. Their eyes lit up, too.
Fucking… fuck.
Ellie looked back toward Cat - she was talking animatedly with Jesse and some of his friends, her back to the bonfire. She’d only sung for Cat a couple of times, would she be mad if Ellie just started playing and she wasn’t by the fire?
“I’d love to hear you play, Ellie,” Dina said, and it was in a voice that seemed like it was meant for only Ellie’s ears: reverent, quiet, and fuck Ellie could listen to Dina talk like that forever. Guess it was fucking settled, Ellie suddenly felt like she would do anything for Dina if she asked her like that, looked at her the way she was looking at her now: like she was the only one in the park.
Shit. You’re a fucking sap. And a terrible person.
“Okay,” Ellie said quietly, reaching out toward Joel’s guitar. Their hands briefly touched and their eyes met. He gave her a soft smile. Baby steps. But even though a guitar felt right at home in Ellie’s hands, one of them felt suddenly cold from having to let go of Dina’s.
Ellie situated the guitar in her lap like she had a billion times, but she was shaking like she never had before. Dina reached up and touched her left hand, which shook almost uncontrollably as she gripped the neck. Her fingers grazed Ellie’s skin.
“You got this, El,” she said simply, and a surge of courage rushed through Ellie’s veins.
She took a breath, letting it out slowly as she began to strum.
“I feel so extraordinary
Something’s got a hold on me,” she sang, softly at first, willing her voice out of her lungs, no matter how shaky. Dina’s face was lit-up like a firework. Ellie looked away: she could tell blood was flooding up into her cheeks.
“I get this feeling I’m in motion
A sudden sense of liberty.”
She was beginning to feel more comfortable, the familiar vibration of the strings keeping her in the moment. The park seemed just as quiet now as when Joel had been singing. She looked over to see Joel’s eyes closed, swaying just barely in time with the music, an almost imperceptible smile on his lips. He was… happy. Happy to hear her sing and play.
The flames drifted up into the night as she looked back toward Dina. Fuck, the light was dancing on her skin, and that smile, Jesus Ellie could have fucking melted right there.
“I don’t care cuz I’m not there
And I don’t care if I’m here tomorrow…”
Try as she may have, when Ellie’s eyes made their way back to Dina, she couldn’t tear them away. Her voice was reaching full-volume now, and looking at Dina infused her with a new kind of life, a strength, like she could do fucking anything, even rip open her chest cavity and bleed everything out in front of all these people. Which, truthfully, was essentially what she was doing. She continued through the song, and she would have sworn that Dina’s eyes could burn her alive.
“My morning sun is the drug that brings me near
To the childhood I lost, replaced by fear
I sued to think that the day would never come
That my life would depend on the morning sun.”
Dina licked her bottom lip, leaning back just so on the log. Ellie couldn’t tell if it was the bonfire or Dina’s smile, but the night suddenly seemed just a little bit brighter. Ellie continued through the song, unable to pull her eyes from her best friend sitting there on the log.
Ellie had never been one for religion or God or gods, but fuck if this wasn’t the holiest experience she’d ever had, she would throw herself into a horde of infected.
Her fingers continued to move, music filling the park around them, her voice somehow both echoing across the night and meant for Dina and Dina alone.
“I used to think that the day would never come
That my life would depend on the morning sun.”
She finished, the silence of the town heavy around Ellie and Dina, but Ellie couldn’t bring herself to care. The look on Dina’s face… like she had never seen Ellie before. Ellie skin blazed, electricity felt like it was shooting from her fingertips.
“Damn, kiddo, think you’re better ‘en I am,” Joel’s voice creeped into the moment, and was followed by rounds of applause and whispers around them. Some of the kids cheered loudly. Ellie handed the guitar back to Joel, barely able to take her eyes off Dina.
Dina’s eyes fell toward the ground. Was she… was she speechless?
She looked back up at Ellie, and Ellie could see a wet sheen in the corners of her eyes.
“Fuck, Ellie,” Dina said.
“That was amazing, El!” Cat’s voice pulled Ellie fully back to the bonfire as Cat sat down next to her. “Fuck you’re sexy when you sing,” she whispered into Ellie’s ear so only she could hear.
But Ellie couldn’t look away from Dina.
She never wanted to again.