I walk down the hall, holding my cane. I make my way towards the door to my dorm room, taking a deep breath.
I can't take this anymore...
I slowly open the door, walking in and closing it behind me. As I take a few steps inside, I look around, seeing the different walls. On my side of the room, there are a few pictures of me on my trips, the pictures taken by someone long ago, whom I never thought would stop being my friend. On the side opposite me, the walls are bare. Bare of anything personal or otherwise, just a faded cream color with a few flecks of pain chipping off.
I walk to my desk and reach over it, closing the blinds so that the sliver of light no longer shines through.
Its dark now, nothing really lighting the room other than the faint glow of light from the outside, unable to get in.
Its better this way. There's nothing for me in the light...
I look down, seeing my dull, almost non-existent outline in the screen of my phone. I can see my hair coming down almost to my shoulders, my eyes puffed red and my makeup smeared.
"You're a worthless fucking disgrace! Why?! Why are you doing this to us?! WHY ARE YOU TEARING APART THIS FAMILY!?!"
I can still feel the stinging on my face and the burning in my eyes. I close my eyes, shaking my head. "I didn't choose this..."
I feel my chest feel heavier as my heart sinks, my stomach tightening.
I make my way over to my bed and lay down, slowly kicking off my shoes and I lay down. I pull the blanket over my shoulders and hold it tight to my chest, feeling the fabric pressing close to me.
Starting over from nothing is never easy. Why do I even keep going these days? Maybe everyone I left behind is better off without me. Maybe I was the problem...
-----------------------
a knock at the door makes me open my eyes, the hot, salty tears slowly dripping down my face and onto my pillow. I wipe at my face and sigh, standing up and shuffling over to the door. As I reach it, I unlock it and open it slowly, not really wanting to deal with whoever is on the other side.
Kate looks back at me as the door finishes opening, a worried look on her face. "Victoria, what's going on?"
"What do you mean?" My voice is deadpan, making Kate's eyes widen slightly.
"What do I mean? Vicky, you always stop by my place on Fridays. You have for a long time. You're not doing what you normally do, you've obviously been crying, and you sound like someone's ripped out your very soul..." The shorter woman looks me over, my heart cracking as several tears leave her own eyes. "What did I do...?"
I open the door further, waving my hand in. Kate slowly walks in, holding her hands close to her chest as she does so, standing at the foot of my bed. I close the door and walk over to my desk, sitting down. "Katie..."
"I'm sorry."
I blink a few times, looking over at her and sighing. "For what?"
"I... I don't know. I just feel like I did something wrong." She crosses her arms, resting her hands on her shoulders. "Vicky, we were doing fine and now... now you're just so distant." She takes a step towards me, a few more tears dripping down her cheek. "What changed Victoria?"
I look her over, seeing her standing in my little one room apartment, her eyes looking me over and her lip trembling. "Nothing."
"N-nothing?"
I nod slowly, looking down. "Nothing changed Katie."
"You're wrong..." I look up at her and raise an eyebrow, seeing her face start to turn a little red. "We were so close... I..." She huffs and waves her hands around, her face getting redder. "I was falling for you, and you pushed me away..." Her voice cracks and I push myself up, walking over to her.
As I stand infront of her, she has to look up slightly to make eye contact, and I can see into her eyes. The hazel orbs peer into my soul and I feel a twinge in my chest, wanting to reach out and hold her, to embrace her feelings with my own.
I'd only make her hate me, like everyone else that knows...
"Do you believe in God?"
"Yes, I do." Kate looks at me incredulously, taking a deep breath. "Why do you ask-?"
"I'm gay."
Kate takes a deep breath. "We both are, genius. What does that have to do with you not talking to me these last few days..?" I can see her studying me, looking for something. "After I admitted my feelings you just... shut down..."
"Vincent." I close my eyes, taking a deep breath before opening them, seeing Kate's confused hazel orbs scanning me for clues. "That's my birth name..."
Kate's eyes widen, hey voice soft and low. "Is that why you... because you're trans?"
I nod slowly, unable to look away. "I figured you'd be disgusted like everyone else-" I get cut off by her lips, pressed firmly against mine. I can feel her hand on my shoulders and I freeze up, not knowing how to react.
Kate pulls back, a tear forming in the corner of her eye. "Why would you think I'd do that to you, Vicky?" She takes a deep, almost shuddering breath, her voice airy and soft. "You're the woman I fell in love with. I don't care what you were born with, you're always Victoria to me..." She slowly reaches up her hand, cupping my cheek and leaning in close. "...even if I didn't love you..."
I feel my eyes begin to water again, my vision blurring behind my tears. "D-do you m-mean that?"
Kate takes one of my hands, pressing it over her heart. "I swear to God, I mean it with every fiber of my being."
I nod, using the hand that she isn't holding to pull her closer, pressing our lips together again. I don't feel tense anymore, and Kate embraces me, letting go of my hand to wrap her arms around my neck. I hold her against me and I let everything fade away, focusing only on the woman infront of me, standing in my college apartment, tears in our eyes as we finally let ourselves express how we love each other.