there are so many things i want to tell you.
things that keep me up at night because i'm thinking of you, and things that wake me up at seven thirty in the morning because my heart longs to see you.
it feels like i haven't seen you in a while— but we always see each other. i'm always the person who stands on your left side when we're walking home from the thai place you've grown to love, i've always been the person who gives you a hug when it's five am in the morning and the idea of sleep already flew out of the window. i've always been the person who sits in front of you during the ungodly hours of the night ad we try our best to talk about our demons and how they're blurring our already planned future.
i've always been here but i can't help but feel like i'm not. like i've always had a place by your side but it's not where i want to stand.
because i want a place in your heart.
because i want to be the person to hold your hand through every ups and downs, i want to be the person who holds the entire world in my arms as i keep falling and falling in love. i want to be the first person you think of when you see the color of the sweater i gave you when we were sixteen and i was in love, i want to be thought that stays in your mind when everything fades and falls apart.
i want to love you.
i want to look at you and tell you that i'm so in love with you.
but i can't.
because love is a hurricane, a storm that scares you. because the mention of love cracks lightining in your world and you've always been afraid of the sound of the thunder and the rage or lightnings in the sky.
but you're not a coward. you've never been one.
because even if there is a storm raging outside, you've tossed away your blanket and you're holding my hand. "it's okay, hyejoo," you say, and the warmth of your skin paints red in my heart and i can't breathe, "i'm here,"
i'm in love with you.
thunder booms, as you flinch. your shoulders tensing up as your grip on my hand tightens slightly. "you're afraid," i say, but you shake your head and give me a smile that hides your fear and worries, "it's okay, chaewon," i tell you the words that left my lungs full with flowers of a love i can only dream about, "i'm here,"
you bite your lip, and i see hesitation in your eyes when you discard your pillow and slowly move towards where i am. "i know, hye," you murmur, and our joint hands feels as if we're so close but forever apart. like we're lines that can come close but can never meet. "i want to be here for you, too," you say, as lighting cracks again and you bury your head on my shoulder.
our bodies our touching yet we could never meet.
because i'm in love with you, chaewon.
and you're holding onto me like you don't want to lose me. you and i know both that you won't, that i will always be the person standing on your right side when we're walking from your favorite place, or the person that comforts you when a storm rages outside of your apartment and there's no one home.
this love is breaking me more each day but i keep trying to shield myselt from the rain, because it's you. because the person i'm in love with is you.
and even if lighting strikes my heart and tears me apart i know i'd want to keep loving you.
your arms are wrapped around my shoulders, your head buried in my neck as i try my best to write comforting shapes in your back rather than the shapes of falling in love with you. "hye," you say quietly, and i feel as if my ribcage is going to burst because i want to tell you how much i love you.
"yeah?"
"i hope we can stay like this," you say, as you try your best to pull me closer as if i'm the one running away, "i hope we can always stay like this,"
you don't say it but i hear it, anyway.
don't. your heart whispers in my ear, and it sounds like it's begging.
don't tell me.
but i want to.
i want to stop trying to shield myself from the rain and tell you how much i'm in love with you. i want to hold you and say, "i can be the one for you," i want to be the songs playing in your musicbox that drowns the sound of lightning and thunder when it's storming because you're afraid of the storm, chaewon.
i want to tell you how much i love you, but the look in your eyes tell me that you don't want me to.
keep pretending that you're not in love with me, hyejoo.
my heart sinks.
because i don't want to lose you.
because it's you, chaewon.
because even if i'm standing in the middle of a storm and falling apart like i'm meant to go home, i wear a smile i know could fool you and say, "don't worry," your heart smiles, "i'll always be here for you," my heart is breaking but your eyes are telling me to be a fool for you, to keep holding you like my heart doesn't beat for you, to keep being the line that comes so near but will never meet you.
so i will.
because i love you.
but i hope one day you'll stop being fraid of the storm, chaewon.
because my love will always be the storm.