Out of all the things Nayeon and Jihyo could’ve done the moment they meet again after three long years, playing a game should probably not be it.
But then again, the two of them had always loved thinking out of the box.
It was just a coincidence, to be honest. It was Dahyun’s birthday and she wanted everyone with her on her special day. A part of that little group was Jihyo, who even after being gone for three years, still held a very special place in everyone's heart.
Nayeon just didn’t know that she was back.
Hours after the party, the two girls found themselves gravitating towards each other again, just like old times. The pull was still too hard to ignore, and they found themselves giving in. Now, here they were at a café two blocks away from Dahyun’s house. Sipping a macchiato for Jihyo, and Nayeon munching on her banana cake as if they already didn’t have enough sweets at Dahyun’s birthday bash.
They’re playing this new game, well, they invented it actually. Reminiscing old memories the moment you see each other may not be the best way to go about it. But come to think of it, they did break up in a flash. And in order for them to start anew, as friends of course, they had to let go of things from the past.
“No room for regrets.” Nayeon playfully winks as if her heart wasn’t hammering at the thought of asking Jihyo all her unanswered questions. “So let’s ask each other everything we wanted to know with a ‘what if?’, so that we’ll finally be able to let go of the past.”
Jihyo shrugs, slightly on board. Hiding hints of apprehension from showing on her gigantic hazel orbs. “So this will be like our closure?”
Nayeon’s heart thuds dangerously. They never did get their closure. “Yeah. This will be it.”
Going back at the things you could have done better was probably not closure material, but who cares? They both know that this was something more anyways. More than moving on.
“I’ll start.” As the older one, Nayeon is the first to initiate. “What if… you never left town?”
Oh so they were going right in for the kill, huh? The answer comes easy to Jihyo. “Then I would have never become the Editor in Chief, Nayeon unnie.” Jihyo says with a tight smile. “And you know that it has always been my dream.”
Right. They were two young ladies who should be focusing on their career — on reaching their dreams. That should have been their first priority.
Not them.
“Of course.” Nayeon’s lips quiver slightly. “Congratulations on that by the way. You did well in New York.”
A flash of gratefulness seeps through Jihyo’s eyes. It’s true that she lost Nayeon on her way to the top, but this was something she could never give up. She hopes, no, she knows that Nayeon understands.
“Thank you.” Jihyo says from the bottom of her heart. “My turn now.” She clears her throat. “What if you tried harder?”
Just like that, a stab of pain pierces through Nayeon’s heart. “I uhm,” She didn’t know what to say. After all, Jihyo was the one who tried the hardest between the two of them. Nayeon was just too lonely without her. “Then maybe I would have never lost you.”
In Jihyo’s eyes, there’s the question of ‘why?’, so many unanswered questions Nayeon wasn’t sure she would know how to answer, nor did she want to respond.
“What if,” Nayeon cuts in swiftly without any preamble. “You gave our relationship more time?”
While Nayeon knows that she isn’t completely innocent to their untimely demise, it was also difficult for her to maintain a relationship that barely had any more effort placed unto it. She doesn’t blame Jihyo, no, but just like her, Jihyo had her fair share of shortcomings. Yes, she might have tried the hardest, but Jihyo was also the first to burn out.
“There was no time for me to give anymore, unnie.” And Jihyo wasn’t going to deny that. “I was halfway across the globe, far away from every single person I love, fighting to reach my dreams. If I didn’t work, I would’ve drowned in sadness and god knows what I would’ve done. I couldn’t spend my lone hours waiting for someone to wake up, only for them to tell me that they’re busy.” She shrugs sadly. She will admit, at some point, she did allow her career to consume her entirely, barely giving in any effort to her faraway lover. “I couldn’t stand idly so I buried myself in my job.”
But she didn’t do it for selfishness alone. She did it because she was lonely, and if she simply allowed herself to wallow in that sorrow, who knows what she might have done.
Nayeon remains silent for a moment, giving her an imperceptible nod. She’s grateful for the truthfulness of the younger girl. She had always wondered back then if it was her, why Jihyo didn’t seem to fight as hard as she promised anymore. Now, she gets it.
Jihyo had no one, and she had to have something if she didn’t want to go crazy. That something was just her endless work.
“Okay, Jihyo. Thank you.” It gave her a certain peace, that it wasn’t because of her alone.
The younger girl takes a sip of her coffee as she asks her next question straight away. “What if you came with me?” Jihyo avoids her eyes as she speaks. “Or you followed me just like what we planned?”
In all honesty, Nayeon has thought about that. She, after all, planned it all with Jihyo. And she loved Jihyo, so much that she allowed herself to dream about spending every living moment with the love of her life.
But then people grow up, and they realize that life is not a fairy tale where you can simply ride a carriage and slip away happily ever after.
Reality was much, much harsher than that.
“Then I wouldn’t be a veterinarian, Jihyo.” Just like Jihyo, Nayeon had her own dreams. Dreams that needed to be put first. “The opportunity opened up, and I couldn’t leave it behind.”
So trust when Nayeon says that she gets it. Of course, at first, she was upset. Even if they mutually broke up through a goddamn video call, all these questions popped into her head along with a flurry of emotions. Anger, self doubt, pettiness, hell even a hint of resent directed to both her lover and herself. But as time went by, Nayeon got it. Jihyo might have been younger, but she just arrived at that point of her life first. A crossroad that entailed moving forward while leaving things behind. It’s okay. Because sometimes we really have to lessen our load to make the journey easier or even possible, but it doesn’t mean that we could never again come back for them.
She understands it now.
Nayeon looks straight into Jihyo’s eyes as she asks her next question. She doesn’t even know where it came from. All she knows is that she needs to know. “What if you chose me?”
“That’s not a ‘what if’,” Jihyo rebukes her immediately, as if she didn’t even think about her answer. “Because until the very end I chose you.”
Oh. “Oh.”
When Jihyo puts it that way, Nayeon sees it too. Jihyo, as much as she could, fought for what they had before their supposed priorities prevailed. The way Jihyo would wake up at four am just to video call Nayeon despite getting home at barely midnight and needing to wake up before eight in the morning. The same way Jihyo made sure to send trinkets of New York back to Seoul even if the shipping cost more than the actual gift. Or how Jihyo had stayed up with Nayeon when the older girl was having a breakdown despite her own pending deadline of articles the next morning. In those small ways, Nayeon knows that Jihyo had always tried her best to choose her.
Life just didn’t make it easy for both of them.
“I’m sorry, Jihyo.” For giving up and for not trying hard, Nayeon needed to apologize. “You were the love of my life, and losing you was just so hard for me. I was so upset and lonely, and as time passed by, the pain in my heart grew to a point that I couldn’t even function anymore.” Tears prickle Nayeon’s eyes as she is overwhelmed by the sudden emotions of losing the love of her life, only to see her again after three long years. It still hurts as if they just broke up yesterday. “But please know that until the very end I loved you.”
“I’m sorry too, Nayeon unnie.” Jihyo chokes back a sob. It’s like reopening closed wounds. Or perhaps those wounds have never really healed anyways. But now that something is shifting, the pain is coming back in so goddamn raw. “Being in New York was also just too big, that I started to forget the people I left back home. I forgot about you and was so focused on myself, I didn’t know that I distanced myself from our relationship like that.” She discreetly tries to wipe away a lone tear, but Nayeon sees it through her own blurry eyes anyway. “I’m so sorry.”
“I forgive you, Jihyo.” Nayeon reaches over to grasp Jihyo’s hand, intertwining their fingers together. They still fit in perfectly. “I hope you forgive me too.”
“I already did, Nayeon unnie. There was no point getting mad at you, when we were both lonely and upset.” She squeezes Nayeon’s hand tightly, never letting go. “Time and distance really did it for us huh?”
“Yeah,” Nayeon whispers silently, yet Jihyo hears it despite the loud rustle in the small café. “Maybe it just wasn’t our time.”
A moment of silence engulfs them, just letting themselves feel. Of the things they lost, the things that they could have and could have been.
And of the things they knew they would never ever change.
Because at the end of it all, here is the truth. Nayeon and Jihyo would still do it all over again. The sad break up and the distance apart — they needed to better themselves first, and reach their own goals before they chased after the dreams they made together.
“Jihyo?”
“Yeah?”
Nayeon traces her knuckles and the back of her palm. “What if it’s not yet too late?”
A heartbeat, and another. Then another. “Then I’d try again.”
Both their hearts jump at the unknown. But this time, not of what the ‘could have been’, but of what ‘could still be’.
“Nayeon,” Jihyo speaks so softly, almost unsure. “What if you still loved me?”
She needed to know.
“That’s not a ‘what if’.” Imitating her answer earlier, Nayeon looks straight into her soul as she says her next words. “Because up until now I’m still so madly and deeply in love with you, and only you.”
That will always, always be the truth.
“I, uhm,” Even if at the back of Jihyo’s mind, she knows this—the same way Nayeon knew that Jihyo still had feelings for her—she was still left speechless. They both have tears escaping the corner of their eyes at the declaration. “I still am too, unnie. I still love you so much, and seeing you today reminded me of that.”
Hearing that is all that Nayeon needed and wanted to hear.
“Jihyo,” She pulls on Jihyo’s hand, and even if they are sitting across each other, it’s as if they’re still invading one another’s personal space. “What if I took you out on a date this Friday at our favorite dumpling restaurant near our old university?”
Once again, the answer comes in without a second thought. “Then I would wear my prettiest clothes, and wait for you to pick me up.” And then, Jihyo adds. “It’s not like I’ll ever say no to you anyways.”
She never did, did she? Jihyo always had such a soft, soft spot for her Nayeon.
“Hey Jihyo,” Nayeon says again, hopeful. “What if…”
“Isn’t it my turn?”
“You brat!” Nayeon giggles as Jihyo laughs with her. They take a moment to calm down, glad that the air was now lighter. “What if we both get another chance?”
There is a certain heaviness to Nayeon’s question. This is it, Jihyo thinks. This is their second chance.
“Then I’ll be glad to spend my days back here in Seoul with the one person I love the most once more.” Jihyo tells her in complete honesty. She’s so happy. This could really be it. “I’ll be the happiest girl on earth to have you back again, Nayeon unnie.”
A bright bunny smile paints its way on Nayeon’s face, so naturally Jihyo finds herself mirroring it too. “So friday?”
“Yes, unnie.” Jihyo would never miss it for the world. “You have me.”
You have me. That’s all Nayeon needed to know. The same way Jihyo will always have her.
“I love you, Jihyo.” She says silently, overwhelmed with so much happiness at finally getting another chance to love her soulmate once again. From across the small table, Nayeon pushes her face further to Jihyo’s space. “I’m happy you’re back.”
“Me too, Nayeon unnie.” Jihyo cups her face, so gently that Nayeon finds her eyes fluttering. She missed Jihyo’s touch so much. “I love you so, so much.”
The moment comes in so naturally, as if time has never even passed.
Their lips meet in a gentle but oh so loving kiss.
A kiss that’s filled with so many things — of regrets, of sorrows, of loneliness, and of apologies. But above all, it comes with hope, longing, a determination to make things right again. And this time, neither Jihyo nor Nayeon find themselves backing out anytime soon.
Life was just really like that. It comes in perfect timing. Back then, maybe that wasn’t really their rightful moment. But they’re proud and happy to say that they found themselves back in each other's arms again. That’s the only proof they need that they were indeed meant to be. It’s just that in the past, they needed to focus on themselves first.
They won’t change it, no. Jihyo will never be an EIC if she didn’t leave, and Nayeon wouldn’t be a veterinarian in a prestigious veterinary hospital if she followed Jihyo. Sacrifices had to be made, but now was their perfect chance to finally enjoy the fruits of their labors. Now that they are stable, they could happily move on with their once again budding relationship. And this time, no one’s going to give up.
What if this time, things finally work out?
No, this time, no more what if’s.
They will indeed make it work.