Chapter 1
The weirdest part of missing someone you shouldn’t miss is the formalities around it. At times it feels like such a clear process. You hear a song they used to sing along to, you walk past a park you used to frequent with them, you scroll through Instagram and see their name pop up, and as always you feel the familiar pang in your chest. Then in what must be the millionth time you have to go through all the reasons you shouldn’t miss them, all the ways they hurt you, you already have a pre-constructed list you go through every time. Calming yourself takes between 5 and 10 minutes, if it exceeds 15, you call your best friend, then Wheein goes through all the same points with you and for a second you think you’re finally fully over it. Then you see something that reminds you of them again and it starts all over. But again it was to be expected, nothing you couldn’t anticipate, you were getting quite good at managing your emotions, sometimes you went as far as opening Instagram knowingly even, in a way seeking out the pain, only to have to remind yourself again how shitty your ex was just in case you forgot.
Sometimes though things weren’t as easy or as clear.
You see Yongsun on the same bus. You see her flowy hair, it’s grown twice its length since the last time you saw her, she looks as stunning as ever. You hear her laugh and the pang in your chest grows into a piercing pain. You swear you can almost smell her signature perfume and try to hold back your tears when you realise how much you missed that sent, when you remember all the nights you spent rolling in bed half asleep searching for it, searching for her. You still haven’t returned most of her T-shirts, you would never admit you use them as pajamas most nights.
You see Yongsun on the same bus as you and can taste bitterness on your tongue. You see her more beautiful than you can remember, laughing and looking at a stranger. You don’t even recognise him, but he has his hands all over her. Maybe he’s an old friend of hers that you don’t remember, maybe they met after your breakup and she still hasn’t posted pictures of her new friend circle, maybe he’s her new lover and she hasn’t posted, because she doesn’t want to hurt you(which is doubtful), maybe he is a stranger for her as well, a person to keep her company for the night, a person to leave her be in the morning. You can hear your pulse quickening and bolt for the door. You leave the bus as soon as it reaches its next stop. There is feel hotness at the back of your neck, you wonder whether she saw you, whether her eyes followed you on your way out. You don’t know what would hurt you more - her seeing you and still keeping her arms around his neck or her being so absorbed by his presence, she didn’t even notice you.
You get off the bus and don’t look back. The least you want is for her to see your tears if you looked back.
Sometimes you miss her in ways you can’t expect, ways you can’t control. After you get off the bus, you have to walk 40 minutes to your house and spend the whole time crying. No matter what you try to think of, you can’t stop your heart from aching.
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Wheein takes you out to get drinks on the weekend after that. You have fun or at least you tell her you’re having fun. She smiles, her dimples show and you really are grateful you have a friend that’s there for you. Hyejin is at work today and she fixes you some free drinks. You have one, then two, then you stop counting. You see some cute girls eyeing you. Hyejin nuges you a bit and Wheein cheers you on. You look at one pretty girl with a cute floral blouse and remember how Yongsun loved to wear one just like hers. You go and throw up in the toilet then tell Wheein you had too much to drink. She takes you home.
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Your head is pounding, there is still a ghost from the loud club music dancing in your mind, but casually it dies down. Wheein brings you some water, tucks you in bed and leaves you to go drive Hyejin home. You thank her just as she reaches the door. Wheein smiles at you, but this time her dimples don’t show and you can see a pang of sadness in her eyes. You suddenly feel bad for being such a buren.
You are alone with the silence in your tiny apartment. It feels like its walls are closing in. You get up and open up the curtains of your room. The moon is bright and you start taking deep breaths, trying to lose yourself while your eyes calmly trace the stars. There is a whole universe out there and for a minute you don’t feel so lost, maybe all you needed to do was get out of your own head.
You hear your phone ring and go to check it, expecting to see Wheein or Hyejin wishing you goodnight or just checking up on you. When you unlock it, you feel the nausea setting in again.
Únknown number
I’m sorry.
You feel tears forming, but can’t stop reading.
Unknown number
I tried to move on
I can’t
I want to fix this
Months ago, all you hoped was for her to reach out, to try to mend things. You tried and tried again to get her to reconsider. And just as you were coming to terms with the shitstorm that had passed…
Unknown number
Please let me fix this