We used to be giants. A super and a Luthor. Giant forces in our right, and yet, it all fell apart.
I sighed, limping across my bedroom as my body begged for me to go back to bed and take the pain pills stacked up on my bathroom counter. I hurt, physically and emotionally. Taking down my brother in the new earth had taken far more than I was prepared for. He’d learned from his mistakes, he’d learned from the previous timelines he invaded. He knew what to expect from her, but he didn’t expect me to turn on him.
An idea that confused and surprised me. He knew how deep my feelings ran for her, he hinted at it few times. But couldn’t break through my ice cold steel walls, always manipulating me as much as I manipulated him.
I sighed, standing in front of the dirty window, looking out on Chinatown as the sun rose. The bright yellow light catching the vibrant colors on the signs lining the street. Sleep had evaded me for another night, and I stopped counting how many nights were stacking up. My tangled thoughts never shut down, and when I did sleep, my mind craved to find peace, slipping to old memories of her. Memories that once left me feeling warm, safe.
I frowned, stepping away from the window to shuffle to the old fridge. One I swore was built with the building in the late fifties, and ticked like a bomb until I tore it apart and rebuilt it. I opened the door, wincing at the spikes of pain that rattled through my torn muscles and broken bones, staring at the lone bottle of orange juice. Sitting in the middle shelf like the last child picked in dodge ball.
I sighed, clenching my jaw. I would have to go outside and stock up for the next few weeks until I could figure out what to do next.
I was hiding in Chinatown in New York, holing up in an old apartment building I owned on paper, but was forgotten about. A failed redevelopment attempt by Lex Corp, that fell into my hands when he threatened to destroy the entire block and make it a parking lot. Luckily, the hard copies of the deeds were burned with Lex, and the digital copies were buried in encrypted files that would take an army of Brainy’s to defeat.
I disappeared the night Lex was defeated. I knew the explosions and crumbling buildings would draw everyone’s attention, giving me the escape I desperately needed. My blood splattered on the walls from when Lex took the last few strands of his anger out on me, would provide the perfect amount of evidence that I was lost in the rubble.
But why did I leave? Under the darkness of nigh and the shadow of death? We shook hands, offered polite smiles and swore allegiance to work past our problems and come together. There was hope. There was a sliver of light at the end of the darkest tunnel.
Lex. Lex twisted words like the master craftsman he was, taking the things I’d done to her and filling them with even more venom. He lied, swindled, and twisted the truth until he created his own reality. And she ate it up, casting a steely glance at me. Blue eyes filled with fear, doubt, betrayal, hatred.
In that one look, the shaky bridge we built on a handshake, was torn asunder. Her eyes burned so hard into my heart, I turned away, biting back the tears. I slipped away as Lex launched his arsenal on her and the rest. I hacked into his secret labs, hacked into the system and dumped all of his files into a USB I’d send to Alex next week. Then I set the small explosives I built, layering them in every corner of his stupid office. Knowing he’d come back for the Kryptonite cannon locked in the safe behind his portrait behind his desk. I sat in his chair, and waited, drinking most of his hundred year old whiskey. I wanted to be numb, I wanted my brain to turn fuzzy and forget. And maybe if I got drunk enough, I’d be too slow to escape, and could go up in a proverbial blaze of glory. Take out the last of the Luthor’s in one fell swoop and give the world peace. Give her peace. She’d never have to worry about trusting me, fighting for me. And then, maybe in death, I could finally get my heart to let go of her. Let go of the unrequited love I carried for her.
I winced, pouring the last two inches of orange juice. That’s why the last year had burned, hurt, and broke me over and over. I was in love. I was in love with the impossible and no matter how hard I tried, I couldn’t stop from loving her. Even as I spewed rage in her face, fought with her and manipulated her, I couldn’t overcome my love for her. She’d look at me with those blue eyes, looking right down to darkest corner of my soul, and the anger would slip away. Replaced by the warm feeling of safety, love, hope.
She’d never love me. I was a villain, the sister of the arch nemesis of her family. Plus, she had that reporter. Whatever his name was, with the overly exaggerated English accent and fancy baking skills.
And when I saw the pity in her eyes when I knocked on her door, begging for forgiveness, and once more in the anger as she took Lex’s words as truth, I gave up. I let the cracks in my heart take over and shatter my heart to pieces.
I sipped the orange juice, debating taking the pills on an empty stomach. Who cared if I slept for the rest of the day and well into the next? I was a ghost. The headlines were two days away from moving from missing in the rubble, to dead at the hand of my brother. I’d have a quiet funeral. Maybe one or two people would show up, crying over an empty casket, and in a few more weeks. The world would move on. Lex Corp would return to L-Corp, with Sam at the helm and in a few more weeks after that, I’d become a sour memory.
Pushing the empty glass away with two fingers, I hobbled to the small room where I slept and grabbed my coat and the large New York Mets hat I bought last week with the orange juice. I found hiding under a hat and large sunglasses, no one bothered me. Writing me off as a party girl facing her own struggles with the bright sunlight, not Lena Luthor, notorious citizen of National City.
I gingerly slipped the coat on, cursing Lex. Right before I hit the red button, he attacked me, breaking my right arm in a desperate attempt to stop me from detonating the charges. We fought, hard, and when I crawled out from under his desk, I was left a broken right arm, fractured ribs and a slash across my collarbone that ran to the top of my left breast. Lex wanted to carve my heart out and give to her as a morbid trophy when he stood over her.
Instead I walked away as his heart was crushed under the weight of a thousand pounds of steel and concrete.
I glanced down, tugging my shirt up to cover the crooked row of stitches, before tucking my hair up into the Mets cap and walked out of the apartment.
Thankfully, the street was quiet, only a handful of people milling about. I had to hurry. In the next half hour the streets would be full of people heading to the restaurants for lunch, tourists would pour in, searching out bargains. I wanted to locked up in my apartment by then, drifting away into a painless sleep.
I limped to the corner grocery, snatching up a basket and filling it with fresh kale, apples, oranges and a few tomatoes. I moved inside, grabbing fresh meat and a few odds and ends. As I set the basket down on the counter to pay, I heard the bell over the door jingle. I tipped my head further down into my coat collar, pushing my sunglasses up to further hide more of my face. I knew no one would care who I was as long as I didn’t take too long moving out of line. I dug out a wad of cash, watching the young kid behind the counter ring everything up.
“Um, excuse me? I think I’m a little lost. I’m looking for the Nam Wah Tea Parlor? I’m kind of new in town and was told the best dumplings in the city were there. Did you know dumplings are fancy potstickers?”
The sound in the room evaporated at once, my heart racing as I recognized the voice standing a few feet behind me. I swallowed hard, focusing all of my attention on the money in my hands, praying my hands wouldn’t start shaking.
“It’s back up the street. Take the first right and then cross the street at the light.” The kid huffed, clearly agitated by the random tourist invading his space.
“First right then cross the street…”
I heard the tell tale crinkle of a map in confused hands.
“Cross the street at the light.” The kid turned to me. “Forty five sixty. Did you want paper or plastic.”
I shoved a fifty across the counter, pointing at the paper bags next to his arm, whispering. “Paper.”
“Lady, I can barely hear you.”
I glanced up at the irritated kid, swallowing hard. I didn’t want to speak any louder, I knew she already heard my whisper as clear as day. My hands started to shake and I became overwhelmed, turning and running out the store as best as my broken body could. I heard the kid call after me, but I didn’t look back. I tried to run, but couldn’t and had to settle for counting down the eighty five steps to my front door. I bit the inside of my cheek as my heart shoved it’s way up my throat, begging for me to fall apart and let the tears free.
“Hey! Hey! Ma’am? Wait! Your groceries!”
I waved a hand behind me, hoping that was enough. I stumbled a few steps, grabbing onto a rail to steady myself. My door was so close. I could reach it, thirty five more steps. I could get there, shove the giant pain pills down my throat and pass out. Disappear.
Twenty eight steps away, a familiar warm hand gently grabbed my elbow, stopping me in my tracks as the memories flooded in with her warmth. “Ma’am. Please wait a second. I have your groceries, did you need help getting them home?”
I shook my head, biting my cheek harder until I tasted blood.
“I understand. Just point at your doorstep. I can set them there and walk away.” She tipped her head down, trying to catch my eyes, forcing me to turn away. She sighed, letting go of my elbow. “I’m just trying to help. I’m pretty sure that kid was going to pocket your money and resell the groceries.”
Her voice was still gentle, warm, loving, but there was an edge to it. She was still the hero, but something inside of her was different. I felt her sigh, shifting the paper bags in her arms. “Which door should I set these at?”
I lifted a shaking hand, pointing at the red door with the paint chipping off. I cursed at how much my hands shook, how much my heart pounded in my chest, begging me to grab her, hug her.
“Okay.” She brushed past me and I chanced a quick look. Kara looked as beautiful as ever, her long blonde hair fluttering in the breeze, catching every inch the sun had to offer, making her glow. She stood tall as always, her strong shoulders set back as she carried the bags. She pushed her glasses up, and I felt my traitorous heart skip. Even a side glance, and I felt my heart swell with the forbidden love I always carried for her. I watched her for a moment as she set the groceries on the top step, angling them just right so I could still open the door and grab them.
She turned to me, a soft smile on her face. “This okay?”
I gave her a curt nod, turning away and closing my eyes. God, she was still the most beautiful woman I’d ever seen in my life, and God did my entire body ache to be near her. I missed the way her strong arms held me, the way I finally felt safe in them, and the way I would dream of waking up next to her, snuggled in her. I swallowed hard, fighting a thousand different feelings as they charged in.
Her smile turned tight as she ran her hands down her jeans. “Okay.” She looked at me, her eyes searching a way past the hat, the sunglasses and the large coat I wore. She didn’t recognize me, she couldn’t recognize me. She couldn’t hear my heart. “Well, I’ll be on my way.” She turned, taking a step off the curb to walk across the street and give me a wide berth.
I waited a second before taking a step, and as I did, I stumbled and fell into the railing next to me, smashing my broken arm. The pain ricocheted through my body and I yelped, hissing out a curse word as I cradled my arm.
I felt the air around me move and when I opened teary eyes, struggling to reign in the pain, Kara was in front of me. Her blue eyes wide as she stared at me. I watched as her throat bobbed a few times as she took a step closer. “It can’t be.”
I kept my head down, moving to brush past her and rush my door. I knew I fucked up the second my voice hit her ears in the grocery store, and now, well now I was double fucked. I waved her off, holding my right arm close to my chest.
She held her hand up. “Please, I might be crazy, but will you look at me?”
I clenched my jaw, shaking my head as I moved past her. A hand fell to my forearm, gently stopping me. “I can’t hear your heart, but there’s only one person in the world who uses fucking bloody hell as a regular curse word, and she’s dead. So maybe I’m crazy and harassing a poor woman on the street, but it’s been a terrible few weeks and if, for a minute, I can hear her, I’ll take it anyway I can.” Kara’s voice trembled at the end. “There was so much I never got to tell her.”
Her words stabbed deep, deeper than my maniac brother trying to carve my heart out with the knife our father gave him. I looked up, right in her eyes and saw the glassy fear in them. I stared at her, frozen as to what to do, what to say. It’d been six weeks since I’d hidden away in the dirty apartment in the heart of Chinatown. Six weeks of soaking in pain from my brother, and the pain of losing the one woman I’d love for the rest of my days and beyond.
Kara lifted her hands slowly, reaching for the sunglasses on my face. I didn’t stop her, I couldn’t stop her, I was frozen, petrified. She gave me a small smile as she pulled them from my face, hers scrunching up as our eyes met. “Lena?” She blinked and the tears spilled freely.
I let out a slow breath, turning to look at the giant yellow and red sign over her shoulder. “Let it go. Let me go.” My voice was raspy, low from underuse. I rarely spoke to anyone aside from simple manners. “Let me die.”
“Why can’t I hear your heart?” She pushed the words out, struggling from breaking out into sobs. I saw in the way she clenched my sunglasses, she was aching to grab me in one of her all encompassing hugs.
“I needed you to let go.” I took a step around her, focused on making it to my apartment, groceries be damned at this point.
“Your blood. It was everywhere. The DEO teams, they wrote it up as death by explosion, your body didn’t survive the blast and incredible heat. It was the same cause of death they gave Lex, but they found bone fragments.” Kara paused. “I didn’t believe them. But then I couldn’t find your heart.”
I closed my eyes, regretting what I was about to say. “Third floor, apartment 3D.” I walked to the front door, slipping my key into the lock. “The street is about to get very busy.”
By the time I dropped my keys on the table next to the kitchen, Kara was pushing in, arms full of groceries. I peeled my coat off, tossing it to the floor and reached under my shirt, pulling at the small metal disc I’d stuck over my heart weeks ago.
I heard Kara gasp behind me as my heartbeat filled her ears.
Tossing the small disc onto the table I shuffled to the kitchen, taking off the hat and letting my hair tumble over my shoulders. “I hid my heart.” I chuckled, as if that wasn’t a metaphor to die for. “A cloaking device muted my heart on a supersonic level. “Five minutes, Kara. Then please leave.” I hid my heartbeat on purpose, knowing it was the one thing Kara always searched for. She’d let it slip one night, and I as I fell deeper in love with her for it, I knew it wasn’t real. It was me reading too far into an idea I so desperately wanted. Without my heartbeat hovering in the wind, Kara would believe me dead and I could move on.
“Five minutes?” Kara huffed behind me. “I find my best friend after thinking she was dead, and you impose a time limit on me?”
“I’m not your best friend.” I slowly sat in a metal chair, leaning back a I let my aching right arm relax. “I’m no one.” I gave her a hard look.
Kara gave me a hard look. “Bullshit.” She shook her head, running a hand through her hair. “Five minutes is bullshit. I should scoop you up, fly you somewhere and see where five minutes gets you.” Her cheeks were pink, her anger rising.
Even amused by her swearing, I was getting pissed off. “Say what you need, then leave. Leave me to be the ghost I’m meant to be.” I shifted painfully, looking at the pill bottle sitting on the counter.
“Fuck you, Lena.” The words shot out like a cannon, falling in my lap like a hot lead round. She glared at me, blue eyes steely with anger.
I blew out a hard laugh. “Okay, duly noted.” I waved to the door. “You know the way out.” I stood up, wobbling a bit.
“No. You don’t get to do this. You don’t get to shove me out of your life when I found you again.” Kara steamed into the kitchen, hands on her hips in her best power pose. “You don’t get to shove me away, break my heart all over again.”
I laughed once more, standing up even as my body canted to one side. The laugh tugged at still healing stitches. “You don’t want to do this, Kara.”
“Do what? Placate you and shove my feelings away for the sake of you? I’ve done that for the last year. I thought we’d gotten better and then everything was ripped out of my hands at the last moment.” She angrily pushed her glasses up. “I lost you before I could tell you everything, show you. But your brother…”
“My fucking brother? My fucking maniacal brother who turned you against me for the thousandth time. My fucking brother who you trusted more than me, thinking he was telling the pure truth to you.” I stepped closer, grabbing the edge of the table to steady myself. “My fucking brother who tried to carve my heart out because he hated, hated, the fact that I was hopelessly in love with you, Kara Zor-El, a super. He kicked me, broke my bones, and when I was down on the ground, he hovered over me, screaming in my face you’d never love me. I was pitiful, a fool, to simple to be loved by anyone. He knew my heart belonged to you, and I’d fallen in love with you the first time I ever saw you.” I yanked my collar down, exposing the line of stitches to Kara as my voice grew hoarse from the yelling. “He almost succeeded carving my heart out. He almost succeeded in killing me because I was in love with you, Kara. So, don’t fucking come here and try to play high and mighty with me. I died in that room with him, leave me there.” I blinked, feeling the tears making my cheeks sticky. “Go back to National City, Kara. Go back to William the others you’ve so graciously let love you.” I closed my eyes, the cool air tickling at the raw patches of skin around the stitches. I let go of the table, curling my fingers into fist as I turned to walk towards the bedroom.
“I love you.” Her voice trembled, gone was the angry impatience she’d stormed into my apartment with.
I hung my head down, blindly reaching for the pull bottle. “You’ve said that a thousand times, Kara. But we both know it doesn’t mean anything.”
“It means everything. You mean everything.” Kara’s voice was closer and I could feel her warmth soaking into the fabric of the old sweater I wore. “I love you, Lena. I’m in love with you, and will never love another like I love you. You’re all I can think about.” Her hand fell to my shoulder, gently turning me around. “Your brother. I knew he was coming to kill you. I told him as he hit me with Kryptonite, I’d always choose you, I’d always love you, and no matter what, he would never break the way I love you. He became infuriated and obsessed with destroying you, thinking killing you would destroy me.” She paused, looking in my eyes. “And it did. When all we could find was your blood splattered and torn pieces of clothing, I felt my heart stop. And when I searched the world for your heartbeat, and couldn’t find it.” She swallowed hard, her eyes welling up. “I’ve been in love with you for so long, but so scared to tell you.”
I shook my head. “Don’t, Kara. I can’t….” A sob slipped out.
She reached up, cradling my face in her hands, wiping away the tears with her thumbs. “It’s real. I made a promise never to lie to you again, and I won’t. I love you. I love you so much, I can’t breathe.” She leaned forward pressing her forehead against mine as the tears streamed down her face. “I love you, Lena.”
I broke completely, too weak and too tired to keep fighting, and fell forward into her arms, burying my face in her shoulder as I sobbed out the last year and the last six weeks. Kara wrapped her arms around my waist, pulling me deeper into her chest. I slid my good arm around her, fingers digging into her back as I was desperate find purchase as I spiraled out. I cried, sobbed until I could breath and my body sagged in her arms. I gasped for air, when I felt myself floating. I leaned back enough to see Kara had scooped me up and was carrying me to the bedroom. She crawled onto the bed, laying me down gently before sliding in next to me, pulling me to lay on her chest as she held me. Her warmth consumed me and eventually lulled me into a forgotten calm. I fell asleep with my ear pressed over her heart.
XXXX
I woke up as the sun disappeared and the neon lights from the street streamed in through the window. I rubbed my eyes, shifting deeper into the soft pillow, feeling the cool air of the empty bed next to me.
“Why New York?”
I looked over my shoulder, Kara walked back into the bedroom, climbing back under the covers next to me. I rolled over to look at her, her eyes filled with exhaustion and relief. “Metropolis was too hard to hide in. Clark would’ve found me. I turned National City into rubble with my heart, and you knew all of my hiding places.” I caught her eyes drifting to my chest, the stitches. “Gotham was never an option. New York is the easiest city to disappear in. No one cares, they’re all too busy rushing to nowhere, a limping woman with big sunglasses and a Mets hat is perfectly normal. Plus, there’s no superheroes. I wanted to disappear as I healed. A limping woman with a big hat and sunglasses can cause alarm on an airplane and I couldn’t use one of my private jets.”
“Lena.”
I shook my head. “Don’t.” I chewed my bottom lip, fighting tears. “I’m done with yesterday, the past.” I looked up, blinking back tears. “Do you really…”
“Love you? Yes. Rao, yes do I love you.” She let out a slow breath, grabbing my hand and winding our fingers together. “I love you. I loved you yesterday, today, tomorrow.” She smiled and her eyes sparkled like the ocean without her glasses on. “So, I hope you’re not done with that part of yesterday.” She ran her thumb over my knuckles, scooting closer. “Lena.” Her voice dropped.
I swallowed hard, watching her eyes fall to my lips. “Stop wasting time, Kara and…”
Before I got the last few words out, Kara was kissing me. Her hand slipped into my hair, pulling me closer as we kissed. My heart pounded in my chest, making my stitches throb in a way that reminded me why I survived. I survived for her. I kissed her back, harder, running my tongue across her bottom lip until she parted her lips and gave me more of her.
Kara broke away when she heard my heart skip, running the tip of her thumb under my bottom lip. “Are you okay?” She swallowed hard, her cheeks a bright pink, her pupils wide.
I nodded, grinning for the first in months, leaning into her arms and tucking my face in the curve of her neck. “Why were you in New York?”
Kara turned a brighter shade of pink. “Um, I was hungry and Winn told me about the best dumplings he’d ever had were at a tea house in New York. I told him nothing could beat the potstickers in National City. We decided to play rock paper scissor and I lost. I flew down here to get us lunch, but I got lost. This city is confusing.” She shrugged. “Then I walked into a grocery store for directions.”
I leaned back in Kara’s arms, my smile falling. “What happens now?”
Kara sighed, shifting so I was laying on her chest, her hand rubbing circles on my back. “We lay here for a while. You rest, sleep like you clearly haven’t been. Then maybe later I’ll go get us some dumplings, and then we can talk as we eat. You know I do my best talking over food.” She pressed a kiss to the top of my head. “It’s up to you. I can sit here and love a ghost from afar, let you live however you want to, or you can come home and start a new life. We can start a new life together.” She hummed, pulling me closer. “I love you, Lena. And that’s all that really matters. I love you, and won’t ever let you go again.” She glanced at me. “Just say the word, and I’ll be yours.”
I sniffled, blinking back tears as I laid my hand on her chest. “And I’ll never hide my heart from you again. I love you, Kara.”
I felt her smile as she pressed another kiss to the top of my head. We laid in silence until I fell asleep, and for the first time in forever, I wasn’t afraid to wake up.