Bookworms

Scar has been on a rollercoaster of emotions this past week. Grian spending the night was something but seeing him wake up with a bed head and sleepy eyes almost made Scar crash. Then their hug just sent him flying over the moon. Their first real hug and Scar got to hold Grian. AND GRIAN WAS THE ONE TO INITIATE IT. He was overflowing with joy. After that however, things went downhill. But Scar hasn’t seen Grian in the past couple of days. They’ve been talking on the phone and texting one another, but never in person. Scar thought maybe everything had been resolved and that maybe things would be okay. Of course, he didn’t know the full story, but whatever caused Grian to have that panic attack must also be the reason Grian hasn’t been visiting the last couple of days. And to confirm it, Scar had begun messaging Mumbo to ask him questions.

Scar:
Hey Mumbo, I’m sorry if this is strange of me to ask, but how is Grian doing?

Mumbo:
Oh, Hey Scar! Grian is doing alright.
He’s just going through something tough and not coping well.

Scar:
Oh I’m sorry to hear :(
How bad is it?

Mumbo:
Pretty bad. He’s been sleeping with me instead of in his own room.
I’m hoping I can help make things better. I thought our conversation did
but I suppose not.

Scar:
Maybe I could drop by for company?

Mumbo:
Actually that might be a good idea.
He needs the support.

Scar:
Alright, I’ll come by after closing the library today.

Mumbo:
I might not be there simply because I want to give you guys space.
As much as I love him, sometimes he’s not too open with me around.
You seem to really help open him up.

Scar:
That makes me happy to hear. I’ll take good care of him while you're gone.

Mumbo:
I had no doubts in my mind you wouldn’t.

Scar sighs to himself and sets his phone down. He is happy he gets to see Grian again, but he feels like shit for being so happy when Grian is suffering. This will at least give him the chance to see Grian.

He looked at the computer to his right and shook the mouse to wake the screen. 12:30. That’s too long. What would it hurt to shut the library early? He felt like he desperately needed to see Grian. And soon. Closing the library an hour or two earlier than normal seemed like a good option.

It’s decided by his own desires to close early. He opens a drawer to the desk and fishes for a piece of paper. He takes the biggest mark he can find and writes ‘CLOSING AT 2:00 PM TODAY.’ He found some tape and walked the paper over to the front door and taped it on. Perfect. Just the benefits of owning your own book store.

Speaking of which, maybe while he’s over at Grians they can start reading that book. Grian always looked happiest reading a book. The mental break from whatever is weighing down on him might help as well. The look on Grians face when he shoved him on the floor terrified Scar. The expression Grian carried was something Scar couldn’t shake from his thoughts and it made him sick. He hopes he never has to see if again.

All he can hope is that everything with Grian goes well.

2 pm finally rolls around and Scar is locking up to head over to Grians. He’s got two books in hand and had already messaged Mumbo he’s on his way over. He was excited but also nervous. But he’s sure he can keep himself in check. For Grians sake.

The drive over was peaceful. He stopped somewhere nearby and picked up some stuff for a quick meal to take to Grians. Everything went so well. Finding a parking spot was no issue. Finding the apartment was a bit of trouble but Mumbo guided him through it and eventually he made it to the front door. He’s mostly thankful there was an elevator he was able to take to the floor Grian and Mumbo lived on. Everything was going so well it made him feel like something might be lurking around the corner.

Standing in front of the door he felt awkward. Should he even bother Grian? Things have been rough and here he was trying to bother him. Would Grian even want to see him? Scar sighs and raises his fist to knock.

He taps the door gently with the back of his knuckles. It’s loud enough for someone to hear but not loud enough to scare.

There’s silence before he can hear the smallest footsteps approach the door. Then there’s silence again. Just as he’s about to knock again, the door flies open and Grian is hugging Scar.

“Scar!” Grian has a goofy smile on his face that makes Scar smile. But he can’t hold back his worried expression as he notices every other feature of Grians. His hair was messy and obviously hadn’t been taken care of in some time and his eyes had dark circles. Just from the hug alone Scar could tell Grians frame was lighter. It tugged at Scars heart and he could already feel himself wishing he’d never let Grian leave his sight. Those baggy eyes are bothering him.

Scar hadn’t realized he was cupping Grians cheeks and rubbing Grians eye. “I just haven’t been sleeping well. Don’t worry.” Grian says, he must have been able to read Scars expression. Grian pulls away from the hug not long after to keep Scar at a bit of a distance but Scar already knew everything he needed to know. Despite how he looked and how obvious it was that he wasn’t doing well, Grian was still smiling at Scar. Happy to see him. Grian grabbed Scars hand and quickly looked down both sides of the hallway before pulling Scar into his unit. “Come in, Scar! How have you been? I’ve been meaning to come to the library. It’s just..” There's a pause that Scar knows is never going to get an answer.

“I’m fine Grian. I’m more worried about you though. How have you been? Have you eaten today?” Scar already knows the answer, but decides to play dumb for Grians sake. He shows Grian the bag he brought over with food. And places it down on Mumbo and Grians kitchen counter.

Grians gaze shifts away giving him away immediately. “I ate, don’t worry about me.” Grian was willing to lie to Scar just to pretend everything was going well. Grian should know Scar better than that, but maybe that’s what Grian wants. Scar sighs and looks at Grian with furrowed eyebrows.

“Grian. Please eat. It’s soup so it’s not going to be heavy on your stomach. I’m not asking you to eat the whole thing, just some.” It comes out a bit harsher than he wants but he isn’t sure how else to tell this man that he needs to eat. He can't fool Scar and Scar isn’t going to just let Grian go without eating or get away with lying to Scars face.

“Scar I’m fine really.”

“Grian we both know that’s not true. Let’s not pretend.” Grian looks away with a sad face that makes Scars heart hurt. “I’m not upset with you, G. I’m worried about you.” He puts a reassuring hand in Grian hair giving him the chance to truly feel the extent that it’s gone uncared for. It felt greasy and Scar was scared to run his finger through it, scared he might catch a tangle and accidentally tug on Grians hair. Grian seems to like the touch despite the obvious embarrassing look that crosses his face.

“Okay, can I make a deal with you?” Grian said knowing fully well he’s in no position to negotiate with Scar. Knowing Scar was not going to stand by and let Grian continue to self-destruct, but he didn’t want to handle this heavy tension that was in the air surrounding them and tried to lighten it up.

Scar can’t help wanting to try and argue, but getting upset might only hurt Grian more. Especially with how bad this situation truly seems. So instead, he decides to just smile and play along with Grian. Guiding Grian over to the table before letting him continue. “Go on.”

Grian smiles a more genuine smile and Scar can feel a bit of weight lift off his shoulders. It felt nice to see it on Grians face again, even if it was small. “If I eat, then will you eat along with me?” He points the second chair across the circular table.

Scar swiftly pulls out the chair and sits down, leaning his cane up against the back of it. “I was already planning on it.”

And so without any more words, Scar pulled out the not-so-healthy fast food from the store back and placed it on the table. Giving Grian his food and getting his own. He even got one of the store's hand-crafted drinks, hoping it would appetize Grian and give him more of a motive to eat. This was Scars first time in Grian and Mumbos' apartment so he took the time to look around. When you walked through the door you immediately walked into the living space. To his right was their couch with a coffee table and too his left was a television and movie case. Straight ahead was the dinner table, tucked up against a wall that he and Grian were currently sitting at and just to the right of the table was the kitchen, a wall separating it from the living room. Off to the left of the dining area was a short hallway that had three doors. He had to assume two were bedrooms and one was a bathroom that the two shared or one of the bedrooms had a private bathroom. He wasn’t very sure though and he didn’t think too hard about it. The walls were decorated with photos of their families and what looked like their childhood. It seemed Mumbo and Grian grew up together and just seeing little Grian with scraped knees and a goofy grin on his face made him smile. He had one arm wrapped around Mumbos' neck who seemed to be not much taller than Grian at the time. If he compared the little Grian the Grian that first walked into his library, he’d have a hard time believing they were the same person. Grian looked no different but it was obvious they were no longer the same person. That carefree attitude that was in the photo was so evident but now, it’s like Grian is consistently dragging around his worries and his anxieties despite his absolute effort to hide them. Scar wished he could take all those worries away. He knew something about that panic attack was making Grians life a living hell at the moment, but for now, he just wanted to comfort Grian. He was scared that if he pressured Grian, Grian might pull away from him and that’s the last thing he wanted. Staring at the old photo now just filled Scars heart with sadness.

“Are you liking the food?” Scar asks, Grians eaten about half his food which in Scars eyes was a good sign, and the drink he had gotten Grian was almost completely gone. Another good sign.

“Yeah, it tastes really good, how about you, do you like your food?” Grian gestures to Scars plate with his utensil and Scars eyes follow to look down at his own plate. He had been eating at a slow and steady pace, his mind being distracted by a lot of things. He couldn’t lie, he was curious as to what was taking such a huge toll on Grians mental health. He wanted to know and he wanted Grian to be the one to tell him. He knew it was bigger than he could comprehend but still, he wanted to know so he could be there to help Grian and give him that support he desperately needed. Another reason he wanted Grian to tell him was because to him, it would truly solidify that Grian could trust Scar. And that's all Scar needed to know. It was selfish and he knew it was but he couldn’t help it. He knows he has no right to know and he knows he is not entitled to know that information about Grian especially if Grian is not keen on talking about it, but he truly can't help how much it is bothering him. But he would much rather not know than make Grian uncomfortable in any way.

Scar looks back up towards Grian with a small grin and nods his head. “Yeah, honestly this is probably one of my first times trying out this kind of food. It's pretty good.” Grian face turned into a bit of a shocked one and Scar couldn’t help but smile to himself a bit at how cute it was.

“Really? Why not?”

Scar goes on to explain that because of his medical condition with his legs that it is just easier to go to and from his home and make all his meals there. Most of what he eats is his home cooked meals. Of course this doesn’t mean he’s never had fast food or anything like that, but things that take more time to get like at sit-down restaurants Scar doesn't bother with unless it's for a friend.

“So you’re good at cooking?” Grian seems to get a bit excited.

“Well, I’m not too sure. I only cook for myself and sometimes Cub, but I wouldn’t say I’m great. Simple meals I’m good at, though.” The look on Grians face made it seem like what he had just said didn’t matter. He was looking at Scar with awe. It made Scar a bit nervous.

Compared to the energy Grian was carrying when Scar first walked into this apartment compared to now, it was like a light switch was flipped. His face already looked so much brighter and the smile on his face was something to die for. It was so genuine. “Could you teach me, please?”

That question caught Scar off-guard and his initial thought was to deny Grians request because he was nervous. However, he couldn’t do it. When looking at Grians bright smile and faced with the possibility of letting Grian down by denying his request, Scar didn’t think he was capable of doing it. Just imagining that sweet smile falling from Grians face hurt him, so with a heavy sigh he agrees. “Alright, I’ll try to teach you.”

Scar was not disappointed. Despite not thinking it was possible, he watched the smile on Grians face grow brighter as he cheered to himself. Scar couldn’t help but chuckle about it. While finishing up their food, they both chatted and talked about what they wanted to make for dinner tomorrow night. Scar left the decision up to Grian. They limited it down to three dishes Grian really wanted to make. Then Scar took those three, put them in a random order and let Grian choose a number between one and three. Out of those numbers, Grian chose three which ended up being a simple pasta dish. Grian seemed so excited and Scar couldn’t help but feed into it.

“Alright! There's your winner. I’ll pick up all the ingredients and I’ll be over again for dinner tomorrow.” Scar loved that Grian was getting so excited about food. This seemed like a good way to get Grian to start opening back up again and also encourage him to eat. Especially if he’s the one making the food himself. “Do you also want to try and make dessert? We can have Mumbo try it too, if you’d like.”

“Yes! That sounds like fun! Should we do something simple too?”

“Yeah, that’s what I was thinking, how about chocolate chip cookies?”

“Yeah that will probably work. I’m not too sure about his favorite dessert. I really only know his favorite candies.”

“Then cookies will be alright. But that's enough about what we’ll do tomorrow. I want to get a bit serious with you, Grian.” Scar clasps his hands together and leans forward on the table towards Grian, taking away a bit of space that is between them. “Let’s talk about something that might make you uncomfortable, is that okay?”

It was obvious Grian didn’t like the shift in the room and he leaned back away from Scar. He folds his arms across his chest. Scar could see he was closing up again, but Scar couldn’t see any other way forward in this conversation than making Grian uncomfortable. Scars waits, but his question goes unanswered and forces him to continue. He wasn’t going to back down, knowing this conversation was important for Grians mental and physical health.

“When was the last time you showered Grian?” Again, Scars question goes unanswered. Grians eyes are avoiding Scars and it's obvious he’s embarrassed of himself. Scar is feeling bad for pressuring Grian this way. However, he knows it’s the only way to get Grian to open up andd answer him, so he continues. “I’m not judging so let's just make that clear right now. But I know what it’s like to spiral and forget about your hygiene, so just be honest with me, okay?”

Grian finally looks up at Scar and with a small voice he says, “Three days.”

Scar gives Grian a soft smile and nods his head. “How long has it been since you left Mumbo’s room?”

Grian looks away again and his voice is a bit shaky now. “Three days.”

Scar grabs his cane and stands up and moves towards Grian, placing a hand on his shoulder. “Again, I’m not judging you for this. Trust me when I say I’ve been through the same thing, but the only way to get out of it is to have someone to push you out of it. So, let's go to your room and get you a change of clothes so you can shower, okay?” Grian nods his head in response and turns his head so Scar can’t see him wipe the tears from his eyes. He’s in a very vulnerable and emotional state right now and all he can do is cry to let his emotions out. That’s the only way he can ask for help. Scar knows it.

Grian took a second to collect himself before climbing to his feet and leading Scar to his bedroom. It was down that hallway and on the right. It was a decent sized room and was set up with Grians bed pushed into the back corner of the room with a bookshelf directly beside it. The bookshelf was like the centerpiece of Grians room. It had lots of Knick knacks and books. The entire Harry Potter series stands out to Scar along with a few other collections. If Grian owns so many books, it makes Scar curious as to why he shows up to the library so often. “You’ve got your own little library here.”

The small change of tone from the previous conversation makes Grian smile a little. “Yeah. If I find a book or series of books I really like, I order them so I can always re-read them. The one I borrowed from the library that I said I had read before, I couldn’t find anywhere online. I finally found it not too long ago but it hasn’t arrived yet.”

It was as if Grian had read Scars mind and he just smiled. “Well, all these books are great. I really love how you’ve organized it all.” Scar looked over everything Grian had on the shelves while Grian rummaged through his closet which had a mid-sized wardrobe nearby. His room was fairly clean with just his bed being un-made with a missing pillow. Scar assumes it’s probably in Mumbo's room.

Grian just hums in response and grabs a new pair of pajama pants and a T-shirt with a red bird on it. “Can you wait in here while I go to the bathroom? I won’t be long.” Grian is back to avoiding eye contact with Scar again, more than likely overthinking the situation.

Scar trying to keep the mood up smiles and nods. “Of course, and when you come back I have a small gift for you. So stay excited, I know you’ll like it.” Grian looks at Scar who is now sitting on the floor next to the book shelf, criss-crossed.

Just before he leaves, Grian stops and points towards his bed. “If you get uncomfortable, feel free to sit on the bed. I know the floor isn’t too comfortable, Scar.”

Scars gaze follows Grians finger and he nods again before waving Grian off. Grian turns and leaves, closing the door behind him and leaving Scar to look around the room some more. There wasn’t necessarily a lot to look at besides the book shelf. Scar felt too lazy to climb to his aching legs again to sit on the bed, but he knew he’d have to eventually. He liked getting to see Grian after such a long time. He spreads out across Grians floor and lays down with his cane beside him. He was really just stuck to his thoughts and keeping himself entertained. His eyes trailed around the room until eventually his eyes landed on a shoe box underneath the bed. Scar stared at it and debated his options.

He could ignore the shoe box and let curiosity sit in the back of his mind.
Or.
He peeks in the shoe box and risks getting caught by Grian and losing Grians trust.

Scar was mentally fighting an angel and devil on his shoulder now. He was so curious. Normal people throw away shoe boxes. And even if there are just shoes in there, it’s suspicious because from what Scar could tell, there are no others shoes under the bed or anywhere in sight of Grians room meaning shoes are placed elsewhere. Scar takes a deep breath and rolls over on his stomach toward the bed. He’s giving into curiosity. He quickly pulls the shoebox out from Grians bed and opens it up.

In the box are a bunch of random things. Old tickets from a carnival, a paper bracelet people normally receive from concerts or bars, and lots of other things. The one thing that truly stuck out to Scar though was the photograph in the center of the box. A picture of Grian smiling ear to ear next to a guy Scar has never seen before. And possibly someone Scar has never heard about before. He had blond hair that was parted off the side and he was also smiling, looking at Grian. He was a bit taller than Grian and had his arm around his shoulders. In the photo Grian looked so happy Scar couldn’t help but also smile. He was just assuming this person next to Grian must be a friend from where he used to live.

Scar sits up and leans against the side of the bed picking the photo up to get a better look. That’s when he hears footsteps approaching the door. Quickly, as if he was hiding something from his mother, he stuffs the shoebox back under the bed where he found it. Then he realizes he forgot to put the photo back and thinking on a whim, he shoves it in his back pocket.

His attention shifts to the door opening and getting to see Grian with wet hair and a towel around his neck. He immediately forgets about the photo and the box and is in awe of how Grian looks. “How are you feeling?”

Grian takes a deep breath in and out before speaking. “A lot better actually. The water felt nice and now I get to know what this ‘gift’ is.” He walks over and is standing above Scar and looking down at him. “I can see you didn’t get on the bed. You really comfy down there?”

Scar smiles up and him and chuckles. “No, not really.” Grian has a hand held out to help get Scar to his feet so he can sit on the bed. Once they’ve got that out of the way, Grian sits beside him with a smile. “So, what is it?”

Scar smiles and then realizes he forgot his book bag on the dining table. He looks toward his cane and Grian seems to understand, because he’s quickly up on his feet and heading back out of the room. Hes only gone for a couple of seconds when he’s walking back in with book bag. He stretches it out towards Scar with a smile. Scar smiles back. “Thanks, Grian.”

“It’s no problem, Scar.” Scar opens up the bag and reaches in and pulls out two books. Both are the one they originally planned on reading together out on the beach.

Grian gasps with a smile. “Yes! I’ve missed the library so much. I’ve been dying to read something new. It’s like you read my mind.” He quickly takes his copy and looks over the cover. The cover has a beautiful art piece of the desert and a tower with two people at the top, side by side. “A tower at the top of a cliff in the desert doesn’t realistically make sense.”

“Yeah, but it’s a cool idea though right?” Scar is looking at his own cover now. “There’s something powerful about it right? Getting to see over a huge desert that way?”

Grian smiles before he replies, “Yeah, I guess you’re right. But how do we want to do this? Do we want to read in silence and discuss every chapter after or read together?”

Scar thinks for a moment before he gets an idea. “Well, you read a lot faster than I do, would you mind reading aloud while I listen? It’s easy for me to follow along with you that way. As long as you don’t mind.”

Grian seems to be a bit embarrassed but nods. “That’s fine, but if I mess up or stutter at any point, you can’t laugh, you can only giggle.”

“Giggle?” Scar snickers. He thought it was such a funny word to use.

“Yes. Now get all your giggles out. I know my ‘accent’ makes things sound silly, so get’ em all out so we can focus.” He used air quotes when saying ‘accent,’ because it’s not really an accent to him.

“Well, my accent must sound funny to you, right? I actually don’t think your accent is funny. I just like hearing your voice.” Scar gets a little embarrassed after he finishes his sentence, but stands by it, showing a little more confidence. “And, I mean that.”

Grian has a look on his face that Scar can’t read. It’s a mixture of confusion and embarrassment and Scar doesn’t know what it means. There's a bit of silence between them and Scar looks down towards the book.

“I’m being serious when I say that.” Scar opens his book to the first page, there's a prologue. “I hope you know that.”

Grian clears his throat and his face is obviously red. “Okay then. I don’t mind reading as long as I get to hear your thoughts on everything.”

Scar smiles and nods and they sit side by side as the story begins. The prologue starts by giving world building. They’re in a society that's run by these higher beings. It’s told through the eyes of a young girl who is learning to read and write by a neighboring cell mate. They discuss what’s happening in the world. And it is stated that the world they live in revolves around what the prisoners call “The Show.” They pin people against each other and force them in a death battle, promising them that the winner can live on free. They were called the Watchers. They control and oversee the games. Some competitors buy into the way of living and entertain the Watchers while others live to disappoint them. But whatever you did, it felt like the only control you really had. To keep these death games going on for longer, they had rules and systems so players couldn’t just immediately begin murdering one another. Overall, it was a dystopian world run by the powerful and using these people for entertainment. It was all very interesting, but was kept vague in order to keep the main storyline interesting.

They shared their thoughts about how it sort of reminded them of the Hunger Games in a way. Then, they begin chapter one. The main character wakes up with nothing but a list of rules, a backpack, and a communicator. He’s the first to wake up with thirteen other individuals around him. He knows where he is and he knows how he got there. He spreads his wings and tries to fly only to find that his wings have been clipped. He’s an avian, or a humanoid bird-like creature. Flying is one of the only things that made him feel free and he’s been stripped of it. Officially setting the tone of how things are going to go.

The chapter progresses with the others around him waking up and introducing themselves and being suspicious of one another. Rightfully so as they hardly know one another and have absolutely nothing with them. Then, right in front of them, the all too familiar game show host appears. A being in a robe face obstructed by a hood. They served no other purpose other than clearly explaining the rules to the players. They always appeared the same way and explained the rules to the players before disappearing and leaving things to the players. Their rules were:

They had three lives.
Green life meant they had three lives and were non-hostile to other players.
Yellow life meant they had two lives and were in hot water.
Red life meant they were actively a threat to others in order to win the game.

The rules weren’t necessarily rules more than they were just explaining the game to the players. Everyone knew how these games worked. They must survive the horrors that happen every couple of hours. The main character immediately grabs his backpack and starts heading off towards the woods. He knows he needs to start getting resources and fast. His efforts are rewarded when he finds a ruined portal that has a chest with gear and a golden apple.

After spending time on his own and getting decent gear, he decides he should probably go and make friends with others. Despite there only being one winner in the end, the best way to win this game is to make alliances. Ones that will benefit you.

When he arrives he makes friends with a small group of people at a nearby village. Everything about this first chapter is surrounding how the main character meets all these other people. Some of which he grew up around back when they were still prisoners. Someone comes up to him and is immediately in his face. Pitching a deal about taking over the desert. Crazy idea and so he denies it. Somehow everyone ends up together right next to the village. They’re all hanging out together when the main character gets the bright (dumb) idea to bring in one of the horrifying creatures that is around to cause the players to die. And low and behold, he accidentally kills someone when all he originally wanted to do was scare everyone. Everyone's communicators go off with an eerie death message letting everyone know the first death on the server has occured. Feeling immense guilt, when the man who died finally makes it back, the main character pulls him off to the side and pledges that he owes him his first life. All the man can say in response is, “So you’ll take over the desert with me?”

And that’s the end of the first chapter. Grian couldn’t necessarily wrap his head around what he had read. The main character is now the right-hand man of someone who just wants any form of power over other people. He wants to force people to buy sand and has already proven to be a villain to others. He’s burning their resources to try and take control over the situation and doing it in such a happy-go-lucky manner it freaks others out.

“It grabbed my attention so well! The mysteriousness behind the ‘Watchers’ and the way the world functions in the game simulation that somehow revives a person from death is just insane. And the way that death happened around all the players to truly show the stakes of the games and the main purpose behind the communicators was great subtle world building. What do you think?” Grian looks over at Scar who had made himself much more comfortable on Grians bed.

“You explained it much better than I could. I like how it reminds me of the Hunger Games, but it has many different elements and I really like the way it builds relationships between characters.” Scar closes his book and lays in on his chest moving his hands behind his head so he can relax more comfortably.

“Right? Do you wanna read another chapter?” Grian looks so happy, but Scar knows it’s getting late and he wants to talk to Grian longer before he inevitably has to leave.

“No, let’s just talk, we can always read more before and after dinner.” Scar turns on his side holding his head up with his arm. Grian smiles and closes his book and lays down next to Scar, mirroring him. “I just want to listen to you talk more.” Scar wasn’t shying away anymore. He doesn’t care whether Grian knows he likes him or not anymore. He wants to be straight up with Grian and show his true feelings.

Grian starts talking more about the book and more things he noticed about some of the background characters and more about how the main character being an avian fits his character well with how he seems to be flighty and having similar personality traits to a bird. Scar contributed to the conversation by mostly just asking more questions that would get Grian to talk more. He’s crazy for being so stupidly in love, but he can’t help it. Grian was perfect in every way and that’s who he wants to spend the rest of his life with. He’s already seeing a future with him when he isn’t even sure that he has a chance in hell.

“I wanna hear your thoughts too, Scar. You’re not just agreeing with me to agree with me, are you?”

“Of course not! I usually take things more cut and dry and don’t think about it in such detail so listening to you explain things gives me more depth in the book. It’s nice y'know?”

Grian seemed to be taken aback, but only for a moment. “Yeah, that’s sort of sweet in a way.” Grians voice gets softer, like theres no one else in the room but just them.

Scar smiles and can’t help but get a little bit closer to Grian. “I try to be.”

“Oh yeah, just to me or everyone?” Grian only meant it as a joke. He wasn’t actually jealous nor did it really matter, but he would be lying if he said he wasn't curious.

Scar chuckles and ruffles Grians hair with his off-hand. “I’m nice to everyone, but you get special treatment.”

Grian laughs and grabs Scars hand to remove it from his hand, but doesn’t let go of it. “Oh really? Why is that?” Grians flirtatious tone is something Scar didn’t know he liked hearing. They both know the answer to the question, it was obvious, but neither of them were ready for Scar to admit it. Yet, somehow, it still happens.

“Because I like you, Grian.”

The silence after the confession had Scars blood running cold. He immediately starts sweating and mentally he was freaking the fuck out. Regretting every action up until this moment. Cursing himself out and trying to quickly come up with an excuse or way to change the meaning of his words.

“Do you mean that? Genuinely?”

Those words cut into Scars chest. Of course he meant it. Grian needed to know that. He was just talking to himself about being up front with Grian and now he’s trying to back out like a coward. How pathetic. He took a deep and shaky breath. He flipped over his wrist and pulled Grians hand close to him and pushes it up against his chest. His heart was racing. Out of fear of rejection, but also just from being around Grian.

“Of course I do. I could never lie to you.”

Scar lifts Grians face so he’s eye to eye with him. He starts to lean in but stops halfway, allowing Grian to make the choice if he wants to close the distance or not. And to his surprise, Grian does. Their lips are pressed together and it's soft and gentle. Scar pulls Grian a bit closer to make the kisses they share easier. He can feel Grian shaking and it worries him.

Scar immediately pulls away feeling like he’s crossed a major boundary. “Are you okay, Grian?”

“Yeah,” He doesn’t sound fine. His voice is shaky and Scar can tell he’s on the edge of a panic attack. “I think I just need to breathe.”

“Of course! Take your time, I’m sorry if I made you uncomfortable.” Scar starts to get up to give Grian space, only to be stopped.

Grian is gripping the front of Scars shirt so tight his knuckles are turning white. “No!” The forcefulness of it kind of scares Scar. “Don’t blame yourself! I don’t know what’s wrong, I was enjoying it, I swear!” He’s getting worse by the second and Scar stops laying back next to Grian. “Just don’t leave me okay? Stay here.”

Scar gives a silent nod. He pulls Grian into his chest, just holding him and rubbing circles into his back. He didn’t know what triggered it. Another panic attack caused by him and he didn’t have any clue as to why. It broke Scars heart. He wished he had a better way of helping Grian. He uses his other hand to run through Grians hair. Playing with it and brushing it with his fingers.

After a while of doing this he started to feel tired. He looks down and checks on Grian. He’s fast asleep, but holding onto Scar like a pillow. He sighs and searches for his phone. Sending Cub a text message.

“I’m coming over tomorrow morning.”