Being Alone
April was grateful that it was the weekend. She was exhausted from all the scrutiny she was under from her father's arrest and her subsequent takeover of Fellowship Leader. Sterling had bounced back and now her position was a little tenuous, facing the raised eyebrow of many a naive teenager. She knew she really had earned the spot, but it still was hard knowing she had to force her way in and still out Sterling. She really hadn't wanted that. But then Sterling, poor sweet Sterling had really thought she could just confess and everyone would just come around. April sighed at the thought. She knew people were much less forgiving than that. And even if they weren't, April had her own bigoted parents to consider. Coming out would resolve nothing. Sterling's ill-advised confession was clear proof of that fact.
John Stevens was still dead to her. But that didn't mean she was safe. He wasn't gone. He was just on trial. He wasn't put away for good. She hated thinking about her dad as a a criminal. But that's who he was. He had chosen to beat that woman, a woman he sought out to have sex with. Or even just to beat for having the audacity to be involved in sex work. Either way, April didn't feel safe and she remained furious and hurt that he had lied. The one thing he had said over and over to her through her whole life I'm a good southern gentleman, Padawan. I would never hit a lady. He always said it when he lost his temper, making it clear he would never hit her or her mother. But now, all of that was a lie. He could beat her mom. He could hit April herself and feel no remorse. Especially if the apparent exception to his rule was being sinful. How much more would he hate her and see red if he ever found out that his precious daughter was one of those gays?
April slept most of the weekend, but was woken by Hannah B texting again.
Omgosh omgosh omfreakinggoodness did you see Luke Creswell's Insta? He is in so much trouble, his mom isn't letting him talk to Sterling except at school! Blesshisheart he wrote the sweetest song to Sterling.
April blinked away the sleep from her eyes and clicked on the link. She already followed Luke so she probably would've seen it even without Hannah B's dramatic delivery of the news. The video was of Luke with the camera way too close to his face, clearly not trying to perform so much as sing out in desperation. And desperation was, in April's opinion, putting it lightly.
Sterling! Your eyes are as beautiful as the ocean, oh I wanna feel your motion!
LUKE AARON CRESWELL!
Luke's mother shut down her son's ridiculous serenade and April set her phone face down. Ugh. Just why she needed. For a second, April wished she told Hannah B things more often. If she knew how she'd been feeling lately, she would know that the last thing April wanted on her mind was Sterling's motion, let alone Luke wanting to feel it.
On Monday morning, April decided to busy herself with the administrative duties that came with being Fellowship Leader. When the announcements came on unceremoniously declaring one of the substitutes had died, April took the eight seconds to pause at the fragility of life. Her father had thrown his away, and if she wasn't careful, he could take hers away too. Anyone in this bigoted place could. She focused her attention on Ellen and the paperwork they were filing until they were interrupted.
Of course on a day about death where April was feeling most vulnerable who should approach to talk about planning a memorial but Sterling freaking Wesley and her dunce of a boyfriend. A memorial sounded like a great place to process some excess feelings about everything April was going through. She hadn't known the substitute very well but as someone whose grief threatened to bubble over at every given turn, and after losing the grief counselors she had planned for after Sterling and Luke's indiscretions, April thought a memorial might be a good cover to just finally lose it for a bit.
So she inserted herself into the plan. Nevermind that they clearly wanted the time alone since they couldn't see each other outside of class, nevermind that in inviting herself into planning the memorial she inadvertently referred to them as a threesome. Her mind barfed a little at the concept since she was a lesbian and Luke Creswell was well... Amorphous to say the least. Sterling on the other hand... Well that wasn't the worst thought.
April had plenty of ideas for the memorial. But the main thing she brought to planning was subversive concepts people never think of, her thought being that the more overworked and dramatic the memorial seemed, the easier it would be to make a bit of a spectacle of herself with relatively little consequence for being so open in her grief. Luke had band practice or something so for the first day, it was just her, her followers and Sterling. She showed Sterling how to use Illustrator so the invitations to the memorial and all the flyers would be on paper, they'd be too analog through email. The next day, Sterling pretty much nailed it with the shadowing on the lettering and April had to suppress an approving smile, she really was such a quick study, she always had been.
Memorial planning with Luke was different. The chapel area on campus where they would be holding the memorial rang with the cacophonous sounds of his guitar playing and his insipid attempts at songwriting. April was discussing theme ideas with Ezekiel and Hannah B but she could hardly hear herself think. Was he singing about baby raccoons? Then he began pestering Sterling who was holding a clipboard and clearly busy talking to a vendor who was helping with the event. He was so entitled.
April raced to the rescue with some funeral ideas. A planetarium theme was just ridiculous enough to be possible but frustrating and she was not especially interested in making the planning easy for the lovebirds who kept making her life harder. She was however excited to suggest releasing butterflies instead of doves and happily awaited Sterling's response to the concept. They'd always enjoyed subverting expectations in the projects they had done as kids. But then Ezekiel and Hannah B followed up with flies and she was disappointed. It wasn't exactly their faults. They had no idea what was going on in her head. Why she wanted butterflies, why she was planning the memorial, why she needed Fellowship Leader. Then Sterling said everything needed to be simple and April realized none of her ridiculous ideas would be taken seriously. She took on a placating tone and patronized Sterling about writing a eulogy that would need to be better than her ideas. And her boyfriend's sad excuse for music. April left with her followers in tow leaving a dumbfounded Sterling surrounded by aggravating musical stylings of Luke Creswell.
When the memorial finally happened, April dressed in full mourning regalia. When the song changed to If I Die Young, April followed the cue, throwing herself dramatically through the walkway, her followers on either side of her holding her up in her "grief". To everyone else it looked like April had maybe completely lost it. But since it was in the context of a funeral, people were likely to forgive the weirdness. April couldn't cry in front of everyone, that was a step too far towards actual vulnerability and the ramifications of that could be catastrophic. But she could wail. The song reminded her of Santana Lopez who had sung the song on her stolen watches of Glee she had watched under her covers as she privately came to terms with her sexuality years before. The fact that the song was sung by a lesbian character made the whole mourning thing even easier. This was about John of course. Everything was about John Robert Stevens. Everything always was. But it was also about April's fear of dying young in this washed up backwards town, maybe even at the hands of her bigoted abusive father.
"Robert! Oh Robert!" She wailed dramatically, throwing herself on the floor. Ellen's hand on her back in comfort. She knew she had all but desecrated this man's memorial. But she needed to be seen as affected by this. Maybe days later if real tears came from any news of her father, she could play it off as residual mourning from the loss of the substitute. April was aware the man's name was Richard. But calling out some proxy name for her father felt safer than trying to make this spectacle she was making of herself feel real. The second she tried to engage with real emotions and join this memorial atmosphere, she honestly feared she'd burst into tears. When Sterling took the stand to introduce Luke for his song, she made a point to say that Koontz's name had been Richard not Robert. Richard.
Still any embarrassment April might have had from her own behavior was immediately overcome by the second-hand embarrassment she felt for Sterling as Luke sang his song. The raccoon song had been bad, April making the memorial about her public mourning had been worse. But Luke singing a loud and badly written song about how Koontz's death was okay because Luke loved Sterling was astronomically upsettingly painful to behold.
Sterling's discomfort was obvious as she again stood onstage. To April's surprise, she spoke of being alone. About how Koontz had been a loner and he had enjoyed it. There were a few parts where April thought that her challenge for a good eulogy was going to be met with platitudes and blanket statements. But Sterling came through. And if her demeanor was anything to go by in the end, Sterling wasn't just talking about Koontz when she said "Alone doesn't mean lonely and sometimes it's just what you need." After her speech, Sterling walked off the stage and exited the chapel. April, for a moment, was even tempted to check on her, girl to girl. Just to see how she was doing after that embarrassing display of public affection inappropriately placed in the middle of a man's funeral. At least her memorial spectacle had been mournful. Instead, she clapped along with the rest of the students and staff in silence, taking in the words. To a degree, John had been her rock, and the person that helped her feel less lonely. He didn't and couldn't know about that one huge thing about April. But he had known everything else. He had been there through everything else. But Sterling was right. Being alone didn't have to be lonely. She stood up to clap more, choosing to let herself be alone rather than ever let John Robert Stevens in again.
After the memorial, as she returned home exhausted from the agony of her facade, April opened her phone and, on a whim, decided to look at Sterling's Instagram. Oddly, it was multiple pictures of her playing mini golf by herself and smiling, with the caption "Alone doesn't have to be lonely" and "Mini golf with just me. Should have done this a long time ago." April smiled despite herself. It was nice to see Sterling enjoying herself, allbeit in a strange and lonesome sort of way. Out of curiosity, April went ahead and looked at Luke's Insta, expecting to see a post with his song about Sterling or some other abomination he created. Instead, he had just posted a sad face and a broken heart with crooning songs about wishing he and Sterling could be together. April looked back at Sterling's pictures and how big her smile was and was confused. Then one more picture was posted. Sterling finishing her run with minigolf jumping triumphantly with the caption "Untethered for the first time in forever. Time to have a me." April was astonished. Did this mean what she thought it meant? She looked up at Sterling's bio and where it used to say "Girlfriend of Luke Creswell" it now said "Untethered."
For the first time since Sterling and April had been best friends and she left her behind on that swing, for the first time since that stupid popularity contest, Sterling Wesley was single. April tried to fight the desperate feeling inside that begged her to make amends. There was a time when Sterling was everything, and now she could be that again. April resolved to deal with it later. Sterling had been in her head all day and now, since she wasn't going to get out anytime soon with this new revelation, April just needed to rest.