the more i dream of you, the more i drown in the idea of just being with you
the more i dream of you, the more i drown in the idea of just being with you
~
we laid just beneath the stars;
where the entire solar system trembled above us.
- r.s oceans
~
Jeongyeon didn’t say anything. She stared at Sana, wondering how it felt to love someone. Wondering why Sana would love her in the first place. She often read that love was something unexplainable. Something no one could describe perfectly. Love was different per person. But how can Sana tell her that she feels love?
“How?” Jeongyeon asked. She took a step back and tilted her head, still wondering why Sana would say something like that.
“I don’t know, Jeongyeon,” Sana answered. Tears streamed down her face. She wasn’t the type to cry easily but after everything that happened? Jeongyeon was the last person she would want to lose. “I’m sorry. I really tried not to feel like this for you. You even told me that I should leave.”
“You should,” Jeongyeon agreed. She shook her head, “You can’t love me Sana. Not how I think you’re feeling right now for me. I’m not someone you can love like that. Not me, Sana. I’m a dead end. I’m a hopeless case. You can’t go to that dead end with me. I won’t take you there.”
Sana paced back and forth, trying to find the words to tell Jeongyeon that it was already too late. She was already in love. “You’re not hopeless,” she whispered. But Jeongyeon heard it.
“I am!” it was the first time that Jeongyeon yelled at her. Usually, Jeongyeon was always composed and was not easy to get angry even if Sana often made mistakes. “Sana, I’m not normal. I’m a patient. I’m a rare patient as Mina told me. I’m abnormal. I will make your life miserable if you stay here.”
“I’m the safest here with you than with anyone in the city!” Sana exclaimed as well. She’s done it. She wasn’t supposed to tell anyone until she was safe. With the exception of Nayeon, of course. But she wasn’t supposed to tell anyone else.
Jeongyeon looked at her, concern back in her eyes. “What do you mean?”
Sana sighed. There was no use in hiding it now, “My mom was from Abyssal Island as well.”
“You mean,” Jeongyeon grabbed her shoulders and continued, “You know me? You know who I was?”
She shook her head, “No. My mom was like Momo. She was taken from the island to become a daughter for a rich family. My dad married her but when he found out that she was a daughter of criminals, he had the whole island wiped off. He also killed my mother. Me, being her daughter, is next on the list.”
“You can’t cook,” Jeongyeon let her go. “You are called ‘Lady Sana’, you have a chopper. You fiancee is rich as well,” it all made sense.
“Nayeon and I are working on exposing my dad. But I have to stay alive. For my mom. For the people he killed,” Sana turned around and walked away. “I have to stay here, Jeongyeon. Without my love for you or not, I need to stay here to stay alive. You make me stay alive.”
Jeongyeon didn’t answer. She watched as Sana closed the door behind her. She heard Sana’s sobs.
~
She was confused. Jeongyeon never felt confused. It was something foreign for her. Sana had been ignoring her for three weeks now. She had tried to reach out but the girl would slip away and just close the door behind her. And it made Jeongyeon’s chest clench.
She still couldn’t smell or taste anything but at least she could still hear and see things. Those senses were heightened as well. She could hear Sana’s heart rapidly beating whenever she got too close. She could see Sana’s cheeks turn scarlet when she smiles. Jeongyeon savored every picture of Sana in her mind.
On the day of Mina’s visit, Momo was with her. The girl brought fruits and other stuff that Jeongyeon liked. “You look healthy. That’s good,” Mina set the stethoscope down. She sighed, “Jeongyeon, Sana told me that she needed to leave. Are you okay with her leaving?”
Jeongyeon looked at Mina, surprised, “What?”
“I don’t know why but she talked to me after Nayeon and her talked over the phone,” Mina explained. “I don’t have anyone to stay with her here at the moment. Lady Hirai offered but I wanted to ask your permission first. Sana is the only caretaker who you are comfortable with.”
“I don’t want anyone but Sana,” she said firmly and walked out of the consultation room.
She found Sana talking to Momo. It seemed like the topic was serious but when she saw Jeongyeon, she stood up, “Let’s talk about it next time.”
“About what?” Jeongyeon felt something again for the first time. It wasn’t a pleasant feeling but she couldn’t stop it. It was overwhelming her that her head was starting to hurt.
“Jeongyeon, I need to leave,” Sana said. She stood up just in time to catch Jeongyeon as she fainted. “Mina!” she called. Momo immediately helped and put Jeongyeon on her bed.
“What happened?” Mina asked, checking the girl’s vitals as she did so.
Momo shook her head, “We don’t know. One moment, Sana and I were talking about the trip to the city and then Jeongyeon asked, then before we could answer, she fainted. Is she okay?”
“I’m not sure. She’s been really hard to monitor these days. She lost her sense of smell and taste which is weird because all her senses are heightened,” Mina sat down and took notes of her observation. “Sana, remember my theory? I have a hunch that it is true.”
“What theory?” Momo asked.
Sana sighed and ran her fingers through her hair, “But we don’t have proof of that yet.”
“We might prove something now,” Mina opened up. “Leave. Do what you’re supposed to do. I’ll stay here for a while. Tell Nayeon that I won’t be coming home since work needs me,” she said.
“Momo, let’s go,” Sana said. Momo followed her, leaving Mina and Jeongyeon behind. “How long do you think it would take?”
“Around a week. Two weeks if not everything goes as planned,” Momo answered. Sana bit her nails, something Momo stopped, “Jeongyeon wouldn’t like that. She often scolded me for biting my nails.”
“Was she always that kind of person?” Sana said while boarding the boat.
Momo chuckled, “She was the sun and I was just blinded by her.”
~
The moment Jeongyeon woke up, the first word she said was, “Sana.”
But Mina answered, “She left.”
“What?” Jeongyeon sat up, head aching like it was being split into half. “Why? Is it because of me? Why did she leave?”
It was unusual. Mina had never seen Jeongyeon be erratic like that. She injected the sedative on Jeongyeon’s dextrose and waited for it to take effect. “No, she didn’t leave because of you. She said she needed to fix something.”
Groggy, Jeongyeon uttered, “Make her come back.”
Mina confirmed her theory. Sana was definitely affecting Jeongyeon. What that effect may be, she doesn’t know yet but she was so close to finding out.
The next time Jeongyeon woke up, the headache was gone. But her lips were dry and her throat felt like a dessert in desperate need of water. “Sana,” she tried to call. Again it was Mina who showed up. Jeongyeon frowned, “When did you become Sana?”
“You’re lucky I’m even here. Sit up,” Mina told her while chuckling. She gave Jeongyeon a glass of water (which the girl drank until the last drop). “Sana’s not here. She’s doing something. Momo’s helping her, along with Nayeon.”
“What?” she asked. She wanted Sana to be there. She wanted to hear Sana’s voice, to see Sana’s beautiful brown orbs. Jeongyeon liked staring at Sana’s eyes. How one moment they would look like a doe’s and the next moment it belongs to a vixen.
Mina cleared her throat, “Jeongyeon, are you not bothered with the sudden loss of senses you are feeling?”
Jeongyeon looked at her, “No. Why would I be bothered? Doesn’t that mean I can be normal now?”
Mina was shocked to hear those words. Why would Jeongyeon want to be normal? She was sure that in exchange for losing her feelings, those senses were heightened. It’s some sort of reaction to trauma. Jeongyeon experienced a near death experience. Mina was also sure that Jeongyeon chose not to remember when people around her died. She miraculously survived but that didn’t mean it wasn’t a burden to her to be the only person alive from the island. Aside from Momo, who was adopted by the power clan of Hirais, Jeongyeon was alone. She was the only one who knew how it looked when people from the Minatozaki clan went there and started killing everyone and blowing up the island right after.
“Jeongyeon,” Mina nibbled her lower lip, unable to find the right words to tell the patient the current situation. “You’re starting to feel emotions, aren’t you?”
If her assumptions were true then sooner or later, it would be too late.
Jeongyeon stared at her, like a deer caught in headlights. “What do you mean?”
“Be honest with me. I won’t tell Sana.”
Silence. There was pure silence between them before Jeongyeon said, “I care for her. I don’t like it when she’s sad. I like hearing the beat of her heart slowly increasing when we touch.” Jeongyeon chuckled and then sighed, “She. Sana made me feel things.”
It was a little too late, Mina thought. But how could she break this one up? She honestly didn’t want to. She saw how Sana looked at Jeongyeon. Mina witnessed how Jeongyeon turned back into a human again. Flawed and irrational. There were times when she wished a certain someone would look at her like how the two look at each other.
“Mina?” Jeongyeon waved her hand in front of Mina’s face. “I asked if it was wrong to feel something again.”
Mina felt a clench in her heart but she fought it and smiled, “Are you happy?”
“It’s far too early to tell if what I am feeling is happiness. How do you measure something like that?” the patient played with her fingers and smiled. “Do I look happy?”
Very.
“I’m not sure. Right now you look like a mess because your lips are chapped and your hair is a mess. Sana would be disappointed if she sees you like this,” in a flash, Jeongyeon’s smile dropped. “Hey, what’s wrong?”
“She really left, didn’t she?” she asked. Jeongyeon tried to stand but almost fell again if it weren’t for Mina catching her just in time. “I don’t have strength. Why is that?”
Mina was slowly confirming her theory and she couldn’t do anything. “I’ll see what I can do. You rest. I’ll make some dinner for us.”
Jeongyeon nodded and laid still on the bed. There was a considerable amount of space beside her, like she was waiting for a particular person to be beside her. That being Sana.
“I didn’t know that admitting to feeling certain things could make me a person this weak,” Jeongyeon joked with a weak voice before Mina could close the door.
~
Three days have passed and Mina was getting anxious. Aside from the loss of appetite that Jeongyeon had been complaining about, the girl’s fever was like a switch button. One moment she was okay, the next time Mina checks up on her, she’s already suffering from a forty degree fever. Even though she was a doctor, Jeongyeon’s case continued to make her wonder if she was really in the right profession.
“Jeongyeon, drink this for you to feel better,” Mina helped the girl sit and gave her paracetamol. Soon enough, Jeongyeon would become immune to the medicines but her fever would still be there. They tried all the tests she could possibly do inside the clinic. Jeongyeon was actually healthy. But the hell was she going in and out of a fever?
“Mina?” she turned to Jeongyeon who was looking at her with rather sad eyes. Something different from the indifferent and void of any emotions that Jeongyeon used to have. “Will she come back?”
Honestly, she didn’t want Sana to come back. Not for any selfish reason but rather, as Jeongyeon’s doctor, being away from Sana would make stay alive. But how was she going to answer that?
“Would you like me to call her?” though weak, Jeongyeon nodded eagerly. Mina clenched her fist inside her coat’s pocket and brought out her phone. She dialed Nayeon’s number.
“What?” Nayeon answered.
“I need to talk to Sana,” she said.
“Is it urgent?”
She was supposed to tell Jeongyeon that Sana wasn’t with Nayeon but when she saw the girl’s hopeful eyes, she gave up, “Tell her it’s Jeongyeon’s request.”
“Sana, someone’s looking for you,” she heard Sana drop the conversation she was having. “Hello?”
“Sana? It’s Mina. Do you have a few minutes?” when Sana hummed, Mina put the phone on speaker and gave the phone to Jeongyeon. “Five minutes, Jeongyeon. Sana’s busy.”
Jeongyeon looked at the phone, quite unsure on what to say, but she nodded nonetheless, “Sana?”
“Hi. What’s wrong? Mina never calls unless something is wrong,” Sana said. “Have you been eating well, Jeongyeon?”
It was both a miracle and a curse for Mina to witness how Jeongyeon’s tears unconsciously fell as soon as she heard Sana’s voice. “Sana,” she kept repeating.
“Why? Is everything okay, Jeongyeon? Do you need anything?” Sana’s worried voice echoed inside the room.
“Sana,” Jeongyeon whimpered.
“You’re making me worried, Jeongyeon. Are you sick?” Mina was about to say yes but Jeongyeon’s pleading eyes told her to keep her mouth shut.
“I’m okay. I just wanted to hear your voice,” Mina looked away when she heard those words. Yes. Her theory was correct, alright.
Sana seemed taken aback when she didn’t answer for a couple of seconds. Then she said, “I needed to hear you too, honestly. Stay healthy until I come back, okay?”
“I will,” Mina saw how Jeongyeon fought a cough.
“I need to go now. I’ll see you soon, hmm?”
Mina took the phone before Jeongyeon could do further damage to herself. “I need to continue my check up on her now, bye!”
Her patient was coughing. She was coughing blood and it was the most terrifying thing Mina ever witnessed.
~
Mina could still remember how Sana and Momo promised that it would take them a week. It’s already been a month since they left and Jeongyeon had completely become weak and had to stay in bed most of the time. Of course, when Sana calls, Mina makes excuses like Jeongyeon’s in the comfort room or sleeping. Anything that would keep them from talking because Sana would know in a snap that Jeongyeon was not okay.
When she entered Jeongyeon’s room, she found the girl standing up. “What do you need?”
“Sana,” Jeongyeon told her in a straight tone. “She’s coming soon, right?”
It was heartbreaking. Jeongyeon was slowly getting dried up. Mina was torn if she should do what was right or give what was needed.
Being human, and knowing how it felt to be unsure of something important, Mina dialed Sana’s personal number. “Mina? You never call. Did something happen to Jeongyeon?”
“Sana,” Jeongyeon’s voice reached the other line.
Mina held a hand out to tell Jeongyeon to wait. Then she spoke, “Sana, my theory is right. But I don’t think I care anymore.” she gave the phone to Jeongyeon and then left the room.
~
“Jeongyeon? Are you there?” Sana asked. She heard the door slam and Jeongyeon wince in pain.
“Mina’s mad but I don’t know why,” the patient chuckled. Sana knew from the tone that Jeongyeon was sick. She knew the girl that much in such a short time to know when she’s not okay.
“Momo’s beside me. She wants to know how you are doing,” Sana said.
“I’m fine.”
“You’re not a very good liar, love,” the girl stopped her sentence and continued. “I’m sorry. I know, I shouldn’t.”
“I miss you, Sana. Badly.” Jeongyeon confessed. Sana felt all the air leave.
~
It didn’t take more than three hours until Mina heard a helicopter approaching the island. She went out with Jeongyeon waiting in the living room. She saw the Hirai badge on the chopper.
“I knew it,” Mina sighed and waited until Sana stepped out of the chopper.
“Where is she?” Sana looked scared. No. She looked terrified. Mina pointed to the house and hopped on the chopper. “Mina, is it true? She has been sick since I left?”
“Yes. And she didn’t want to tell you.” Mina told the pilot to bring her back to the city but before she could even finish her sentence, Sana ran towards the house.
“Jeong!” Sana barged into the living room with Jeongyeon sitting on the couch, looking frail and weak. “Oh my god.”
“Hey,” Jeongyeon held out her hand for Sana to hold. “You came back.”
“I told you, I will. It took a while but I’m here,” Sana kissed Jeongyeon’s palm and nearly cried. Jeongyeon was so thin! She lost too much weight. It was all because she wasn’t there. “I’m sorry it took so long. I’m here now.”
“It doesn’t matter,” Jeongyeon smiled. “I will just be here regardless of how long it will take. I’m stuck here, remember?”
Sana fixed the loose hair on Jeongyeon’s face and smiled. “I’ll be damned, Jeongyeon.”
“What’s that supposed to mean?”
“It means everything is over. I’m free. I’m alive,” there was something in Sana’s voice that Jeongyeon knew she didn’t want to say.
“Do you still.. You know,”
“Do I still love you?” Sana tilted her head. “I don’t think I can stop.”
Jeongyeon smiled sadly. “Mina told me something.”
“I know. She told me that as well.”
“I want to see the stars tonight. Is that okay?” Jeongyeon looked at Sana with pleading eyes.
Sana was hesitant but Jeongyeon rarely makes a request so she heeded. “Anything for you.”
The whole time they were waiting for the night, Sana told Jeongyeon everything. She didn’t mind if Jeongyeon would fall asleep every now and then. Being with Jeongyeon’s presence made her feel calm. It soothed her wounded and rather broken self. Sana stopped what she was doing and stared at Jeongyeon’s sleeping face, “Yeah, I don’t think I stopped and I don’t think I can stop, Jeong.”
During night time, when only the crickets were heard all over the island, Sana helped Jeongyeon settle on the blanket she laid out on the grass. “I still think this is a bad idea.”
“I know it is,” Jeongyeon chuckled and laid her back flat. “Come. You belong here.”
With their fingers interlocked, Jeongyeon and Sana stared at the stars. Those dead yet burning stars looked so beautiful against the dark sky. The moment was perfect. It was healing.
But time was not on their side. Neither was fate. Especially fate. If things had been different, Sana would have never met Jeongyeon. If things were different, Jeongyeon would be married to Momo. If things were different, she’d still be the spoiled heiress she was before.
“Sana?” Jeongyeon called her.
“Don’t use that tone, Jeongyeon,” she pleaded. She didn’t want to hear it. Sana wished Mina was wrong.
“Tell me, please..”
Sana stared at the brightest star she could see. She saw Jeongyeon in that star. She saw someone beautiful, bright, and just everything she wanted to have. Sana never imagined loving someone. Yet alone wanting to live for someone. But why? Why did it have to be something so messed up?
“I love you,” she whispered, hoping the star could hear her.
Jeongyeon hummed and squeezed her hand, “I’d look at you more than anything else in this world.”
“Is that your way of saying you love me too?” Sana chuckled and turned to Jeongyeon, who was already looking at her. Jeongyeon’s eyes were too loud that Sana’s heart raced.
Jeongyeon reached out and rubbed her thumb against Sana’s cheek, “You’re the last person I would feel things for.”
That night, Sana fell asleep with Jeongyeon looking at her with those loud eyes that made her heart go wild.
The next morning, Sana woke up with Jeongyeon staring into space, “Are you hungry?” When Jeongyeon didn’t look at her, Sana waved her hand in front of the girl’s face. “Jeongyeon?”
The girl smiled but still didn’t look at her. The next words Jeongyeon said broke Sana’s heart, “I can’t see.”