5
“Seriously, I think it sounds stupid.”
“No, it doesn’t.”
“And yours is even worse, it’s weird too.”
“Both our aliases’ names are fine. You are a spy, you are definitely more used to these kinds of situations. Why am I taking this better than you?”
“Because you are much nicer than me. And a people pleaser on top of that.”
An outraged gasp.
“Rude… but true. Eden is a beautiful name though, I don’t get what you are complaining about.”
“Sure, Idina.”
“Stop.”
“Stop what.”
“Saying it like that.”
“I am not saying in a funny way, I’m just repeating it. Idina.”
Elsa rolls her eyes but can’t stop the smile from opening on her face.
They have been seating on the bed for a couple of hours, it was supposed to be some sort briefing for them, to set up their next moves, a bullet proof plan, after all, the date of the bidding is around the corner.
And they did for a while, yet now they look more like two simple girls goofing around on a sleepover.
At some point, one of them should remember what they are, their roles, their mission, or they should be reminded of the fact that maybe they are getting too close, and they should be back to a hesitant tiptoe around each other. Like they usually do.
Frankly, it’s exhausting, and quite annoying at times, it’s a delicate balance.
But for now, that’s not what’s happening.
“How does it work though?”
“What?”
“After the wedding, you got my last name, or did I get yours?”
“I mean, you are the heiress, maybe I got yours because you are the big deal.”
“Maybe we both got each other’s and now we have two of them.”
“Eden Espinosa-Menzel sounds extremely pretentious.”
“It does, even for me.”
“Idina Menzel-Espinosa…”
“The more you say it, the more it sounds odd, please stop.”
“Told you.”
It takes them exactly one minute before completely breaking into laughter, freely and loudly, Elsa hides her mouth behind her hand to suppress the giggles, but it’s no use, it gets worse and she even slides, her head falling on Cassandra’s shoulder.
Surprisingly, the spy doesn’t flinch, actually, she secretly appreciates it, but she would never admit it.
Then realizing what is happening, Elsa stills, like she is getting aware by the second she has crossed a line, and quietly pulls away, not really going very far.
“Sorry.” She coughs embarrassed, yet Cassandra is not annoyed by it, instead she can’t seem to stop looking at her, she doesn’t know what’s gotten into her today.
“It’s okay.”
Maybe it’s because she’s tired of being stared at, or maybe it’s the way Cassandra has said it, in an unexpectedly soft way, but Elsa turns to her.
Then something happens, her gaze flickers, and lingers on Cassandra’s lips, too long to pass without notice.
Cassandra doesn’t have time to unpack all that, because before she can stop herself, she is already cupping Elsa’s face and drawing it towards hers. But Elsa doesn’t push her away, instead kissing her back, maybe as desperately as her, and Cassandra’s brain completely shuts down, everything in her just awakening.
It’s like coming alive all at once.
The kiss is messy, but liberating, they barely gasp for air. They just keep clinging to each other like they have been waiting for ages to finally do something like that. And perhaps they have.
At some point they move, Elsa has her back against the headboard, her fingers entangling in Cassandra’s hair, who is almost on top of her, almost, because when Cassandra registers what she is doing and especially where her hands are wandering, she abruptly stops, and in the rush of getting away, she practically rolls over her. Falling off the bed in the process.
The thud suddenly startles them both and succeeds in waking them up from their haze.
Elsa is the first to break the silence, reaching out with a hand. “Are you okay?”
Cassandra is already on her feet and trying to put as much distance as she can, so she can properly focus. “I’m fine, I’m fine. Everything is fine.”
She brushes her hair with a hand to calm herself down. It doesn’t really work.
Worse, when she finally raises her eyes to meet hers, she doesn’t find any trace of anger or shame, there is something closer to hunger perhaps, and that unsettles Cassandra even more.
Elsa’s back is still against the headboard, her arm moves to hug a knee to her chest, her fingers fidgeting with the sheets.
Cassandra’s heartbeat is starting to pick up speed and thundering in her ears.
She could pretend nothing happened.
She could pretend she hadn’t daydreamed about it before.
She could pretend that if she hadn’t stopped, she would have kept keep kissing her senseless until they were completely out of breath.
But it would be cowardly. And useless.
Elsa is too smart to fool. And Cassandra has always prided herself of how well she manages to compartmentalize, but it’s all gone now, how unattached can she be if she still feels her lightly cold touch on her skin? And worse, she can’t deny how much she wants it to happen again?
As much as she attempts to, she can’t shake the feeling from her.
It comes out hastily, quickly: “I’m sorry, it was a mistake… I shouldn’t have done it.”
It even pains her to say it, because it wasn’t a mistake for her, she wanted it, she has wanted it for so long. “I don’t know what came over me. But it won’t happen again, I will not-”
“No, we shouldn’t have.” Elsa interrupts her and stretches her leg, settling more comfortably on the bed, Cassandra struggles very hard not to let herself get distracted by it, and luckily for her, the blonde’s next words catch all her attention: “But I’m not… I’m not sorry for it.”
The spy stiffens and slowly turns to look at her companion, searching in her eyes any signs of lie, but she finds none. Instead Elsa is biting her lip, betraying her own nervousness. “Truth is I wish you hadn’t stopped.”
She doesn’t know how it happened, how it was so fast, the moment before Cassandra was at the bathroom’s doorframe, the next she is on the bed, sitting on Elsa’s side and already leaning towards her. And the absurd thing is that Elsa doesn’t even hesitate, simply meeting her halfway, her hand wrapping around Cassandra’s neck to bring her even closer, if that’s possible.
It’s deeper than the first, it’s one of those desperate kisses that you don’t know where it is going, that you never want to end, that it might lead to other things if you’ll just let it, that you just want to feel until it probably consumes you.
But for humans it takes a lot more to come undone, even if the feeling gets pretty close to it.
Cassandra is not that naïve to believe that Zhan Tiri won’t kill them both without hesitation once she gets her hands on the Moonstone. It’s literally their only leverage.
Maybe before, when she thought she had fulfilled her mission and that Elsa was long gone, she had surrendered herself to the idea this time she wouldn’t manage to escape. But now it’s different. She still has a purpose, a bigger motivation to not give up and fight back: the mission is not done yet, and she has to plan something so they can both get out of this. Because if she can’t, they will both die, and everything will be lost.
That’s why she can’t help but stare intently at every Elsa’s movement, the wheels in her brain already spinning, as she slowly takes the drive from her suit’s pocket. For a moment she thinks she even sees a glint in Zhan Tiri’s eyes, on the verge of leaping and snatching the object from her grasp herself.
Elsa takes a careful step towards Cassandra’s direction, but the moment she does, both twins get closer.
She stops, gripping tighter the drive in her hand. “Call them off.”
“Give me the drive, darling. And you are free to go to her, neither me nor my men will stop you.”
“How do I know you will keep your word? That you won’t kill us on the spot?”
“You don’t.” She shrugs. “I guess we both have something to lose. The question is, who between us is more willing to take that risk.”
Elsa has her back against the wall, she doesn’t have much of a choice, but instead of handing the Moonstone, she does something unexpected, slowly lowering to put it on the ground. Then she lifts her foot, heel dangerously lingering on the drive, and everyone in the room just gasps.
Cassandra’s back stiffens against the chair.
Before anyone can say anything, or try to stop her, she adds: “I am just taking a precaution.”
Then she taps the drive, swiftly kicking it in a corner of the room, sending it far from everyone.
It takes one, maybe two beats, then they all start moving.
The twins head for the drive, as Zhan Tiri watches twitching her fingers, Elsa strolls hastily towards Cassandra, crouching behind her to free her from her restrains.
“You shouldn’t be here.” Cassandra whispers, as Elsa works on them.
“Not now, Cassandra.”
“Not now? Then when, when they’ll shoot us?”
With a final forceful tug, the ties come undone, and Cassandra snaps her wrists back. But before she could raise from the chair, Elsa’s hand on her arm keeps her put. Circling the chair, she comes to stand in front of a very much perplexed and frustrated Cassandra, remaining at her eye level.
Cassandra panickily shoots a glance behind her, where Zhan Tiri stands, now with the drive in her grasp, smirking wickedly at her henchmen, who have a weird look on their face.
The spy knows it well, it’s the look with someone who has orders, and who is about to fulfill them.
“I’m having a terrible thought.”
“You are not capable of anything bad, there isn’t a bone in your body capable of that.”
“Yet I am.”
“Tell me then.”
Their noses are touching, they are breathing each other’s air, distance is a concept at this point, but sometimes one inch can feel like miles.
“I know it’s wrong, but a part of me doesn’t want it to end.”
Cassandra is starting to get aware of where this conversation is going, still she asks: “What?”
“The mission. A part of me wants to stay here, forget everything about the outer world.” Elsa settles her head more comfortably on Cassandra’s shoulder, lifting her gaze, she finds Cassandra already staring at her. “See? I told you it was terrible.”
“It’s not.”
“Isn’t it?”
“No. Time in these things passes differently, it’s like being in a bubble. I have never been a fan of it in the past, but now...” Cassandra nuzzles into Elsa’s hair, letting herself savor the feeling, “… I can see the appeal.”
“I don’t know if I should be happy about it, or disappointed in both of us.”
“Does your mind ever let you rest?”
“Does yours?”
“Touché.”
Much to her dismay, Elsa starts shifting from their embrace, moving to a sitting position.
Cassandra remains entranced by her bare back, and absentmindedly begins tracing her spine with her fingers. Her mind keeps playing tricks on her, reminding her with particularly vivid images what they had been doing lately. The last one a couple of hours ago.
Every stare, every whisper, every touch.
She stops, clenching her hand into a fist, and deeply exhales.
She really is in deep shit. She is burning so quietly and so much, and she is enjoying every second of it.
Elsa’s voice makes her come back to reality: “I am not… this is not a thing I usually do.”
They have been delaying talking about this for a while, it’s time they stop avoiding it, Cassandra knows it, still it doesn’t make it easier.
“Me neither. Don’t worry though, I am not-”
“No.” Elsa interrupts her, she closes her eyes before opening them again and turns to look at her. “What I mean is… this. This is not a whim for me, Cassandra. You… are not a pastime for me.”
The air gets knocked out Cassandra’s chest, she is not proud of her reaction, but when Elsa’s hand tries to reach for her, she immediately recoils.
“You don’t know what you are saying.”
“And you do?”
“Yes.” Cassandra reluctantly gets out of the warmth of the bed to stand, it’s the last thing she wants, but she needs some space, picking up her shirt from the floor, she puts it on hastily. “And you can’t possibly want that.”
“How can you be so sure.”
“I know that it can’t be me.” She doesn’t intend to snap, but she can’t help it, nothing makes sense, Elsa wanting her, maybe, wishfully, as much as she wants her, doesn’t make sense.
But that’s not the issue either. The real issue has nothing to do with wanting.
“My job is my passion, my purpose, but it’s not an easy one. It will never let me have a quiet and peaceful life, and I would never put anyone through that. I could never ask anyone that.” She tries to tame her hair, it probably looks like her now, a complete mess. “Not to mention, I have a terrible personality and a huge baggage of issues, very few people manage to put up with this.”
She waves at herself, falling on the armchair with a huff and tucking her head to the side. “It’s just not possible. I’m a lot to deal with.”
“Maybe not to me.”
They are four simple words, yet Cassandra took bullets that hurt less.
“Elsa…”
“No listen, I… I never planned for this to happen, but it did, and I have to be honest with myself, but especially with you. I feel something for you. And I know your profession it’s not exactly the easiest, or the safest, and you are probably afraid that could get in your way but… I think I can handle it.”
With the sheets still firmly enveloped around her, she begins slowly walking towards her, letting herself drop on the armrest, close enough that Cassandra can easily pinpoint her eyelashes. A little more and she could easily cage her right where she is sitting.
She gives her a small smile, but there isn’t humor in it, it’s a little sad. “Of course, if the problem is you don’t feel the same it’s fine, I would never assume…”
“It’s not.” She can’t interrupt her fast enough, “it’s not that.”
Elsa chuckles, a blush spreading on her cheeks as she averts her gaze. It’s a mercy she is as much embarrassed as Cassandra is. “You talk as if I have not a number of issues myself.”
“That’s not… that’s different.”
“How? We all have our own, but the way we decide to deal with them, tells more about us than anything else. And you are probably the only person who has seen the real me, cracks and all, besides my sister… and you haven’t run away.”
“Why should I have? There is nothing wrong with you.” Cassandra hesitates for a second, mockingly raising both eyebrows. “Except the fact that maybe you are a bit of a control freak.”
“There is nothing wrong with you either… even if you are emotionally constipated.”
She says it so casually and smoothly, that Cassandra gasps, half outraged half impressed.
“You started it.”
She is about to say something, but she doesn’t have the time to, Elsa beats her to it again: “And you should also be aware that I like your personality just fine.”
“Oddly.”
“Now you are just being dramatic.”
“Maybe I am. But you really have awful taste.”
“We all have our flaws.”
They fall into silence, the bickering and the teasing feel nice, but won’t be enough to keep them from the elephant in the room, from what all of this is really about.
“But…”
Elsa sighs, but succeeds on shushing her easily by putting a hand on her face. Her touch is feathery, her fingers tracing Cassandra’s temple. “You are very dense, you know that?”
“Pardon me if I am thinking about what’s best for you.”
“I appreciate the sentiment, but I can do that by myself.”
Cassandra gulps, then takes her hand in hers swiftly. “And what if you are saying this in the rush of the moment? This mission has forced you to deal only with me for the past month, what makes you think you will still want this when it’s all over?”
What makes you think you will still want me, is the real question, but Cassandra is not brave enough to be that direct, not this time, yet Elsa catches her meaning all the same. She frees herself from her grasp. “You think I can’t discern between what I feel? That I can’t tell between what’s real and what’s just a projection of the adrenaline?”
“All I’m saying… is that I wouldn’t blame you if you changed your mind.”
When she stands up, Cassandra is tempted to hold her back. She hates the idea of her being far, but she is not sure it would be the best idea to touch her right now.
“I could ask you the same. Am I just a diversion to you? Something to cling on to avoid losing yourself in your mission?”
“No.” The words leave Cassandra’s mouth without even having to thinking about them. “Not in the slightest.”
“You aren’t either.”
She stops to take a deep breath, looking suddenly worn out. “But maybe… that’s now what this is about. Us being doomed from the start, or a competition of who is the most unmanageable… maybe this is about you not being able to deal with a woman working in politics.” She sounds genuinely hurt, worse, cold all over her again, like when she first met her.
“Now you are just being ridiculous.” She is picking at Cassandra’s pride, it’s an intentional, clear bait, but Cassandra won’t give her the satisfaction to fall for it. “I am not a safe option for you.”
“It’s not your decision to make.”
“Isn’t it? I thought there were two of us.”
She is provoking her, it’s in her nature, it’s always been easier for her to look for conflict, to clash, then to talk things through. She was not made for peace and quiet, she was born to rage and fight.
But Elsa is only apparently a calm person, she knows her by now, the everlasting storm behind her eyes, waiting to be unleashed. Yet she never snaps, even when she’s angry and tells the most difficult things, she remains perfectly controlled, her tone just gets tighter as if it’s paining her physically, and now it’s no exception.
“You tell me I hide behind my words, and you always ask for honesty, but you are never direct, not when it matters… Go ahead then.”
Elsa lowers herself, so they can be at the same level, leaning for support on Cassandra’s leg.
“But you should know that what you are doing right now, is nothing compared to what I used to do, what sometimes I still do, and that my sister never fails to make me notice and yells at me because of it. I don’t think I ever really understood what she meant, not really… not until I met you. But now I see it, and I… I hate it. I hate seeing you do it.”
When she goes to cup her cheeks with both hands, bringing her face closer to hers, Cassandra dies a little bit more inside.
“I have been the uncontested champion of self-isolation for years. And I know that these walls you have built around yourself won’t protect you, or others… from anything. They won’t give you peace either, just bring you more suffering. And I… I don’t want that for you…” her voice cracks in the end, “I want you to be okay… not necessarily with me if that’s not what you want. But I want you to be okay.”
Cassandra hates how all of this makes her feel, vulnerable, seen, and worse, she hates how much deep down she almost craves for it. How much she wants to stop resisting and just rest, leaning on Elsa and forgetting all about anything else. It scares her how much she would like that.
The absurd thing is that Elsa isn’t even pushing her, she is willing to cast aside her feelings if it means making Cassandra happy. And that just makes her want to scream.
Because how could she ever think that she wouldn’t want her in her life?
But she also knows it should be up to her to shut this down before they both could get in too deep, that would be the better choice, the safest one.
But who is she kidding, she is already in too deep, she doesn’t know where the surface is anymore.
This is more than a battle, this is a crossroads, and whatever path she decides to take, there is no turning back. Never in her life Cassandra has felt so bare, so stripped of all her certainties, but for once she finds she doesn’t really mind.
But in the end, she has never been a cautious person, and this is not much of a choice either, because she has already made up her mind. “Okay.”
Elsa blinks, surprised, as if she can’t believe her own ears. “Okay?”
“Okay.”
Cassandra attentively reaches for her hand, carefully wrapping her fingers around hers, she isalmost too wary to move, as if a sudden movement on her part could lead to something unimaginable. Or apocalyptic.
But nothing of the sort happens.
Elsa just gives a gentle squeeze, her thumb grazing the back of it.
She doesn’t why she is spiraling so much, it’s not a big deal, they are just holding hands, they have done other things which should be far more... intimate. And yet. This feels a lot more intense.
“You really did a number on me since you decided to break into my mission.”
She doesn’t let go, at this point she probably isn’t going to do it sooner or later, caution and fear be damned, but she avoids looking at her because she doesn’t know if she can say it properly if Elsa keeps her piercing eyes on her.
“And just so we are clear, I can put up with so much politics in my life… if I want to.”
Her voice gets down to a murmur, but Elsa is so close, she surely heard her.
In fact she gulps, her boldness slowly quieting down, and begins playing with a few locks of Cassandra’s hair. “Good to know…”
Maybe Cassandra is enjoying this, maybe she is hiding how she truly feels in this moment behind snarky comments and jokes. “You don’t know what you are signing up for.”
“I could say the same.”
“What are you doing?” She hisses to her companion, panic in her throat. But Elsa simply stares at her, replying calmly: “We don’t have much time.”
“What-”
Then Elsa does something even more unexpected, with her left hand she cups Cassandra’s face, drawing her into a kiss, with the right one reaching for the spy’s hand to bring her to her waist.
From a stranger’s perspective they would simply look like a couple of lovers reuniting after time apart, and in some ways they are. And for a split second with her lips against hers, Cassandra almost forgets where they are, but she is not that stupid, feelings have not completely burnt her brain, and as much as she would want to keep this going, now they don’t have time.
She really doesn’t want to die today.
She is about to snap at Elsa, when she feels something beneath her hand, a shape very familiar, perfectly tucked under Elsa’s jacket. Just the spot where Elsa previously leaded Cassandra’s hand on.
Her eyes widen in realization.
Elsa pulls away a couple of inches, Cassandra practically breathing on her lips: “Tell me they have not been that dumb and forget to search you when you got here.”
“Apparently being an unexperienced harmless diplomat has its perks and puts you above suspicion.” Forehead still against hers, her eyes flicker. “Can you do something about our situation now?”
How she managed to hide a gun no one could see, it’s a good question, a question Cassandra will ask later. For now, she is just in awe. As she tries nonchalantly to slide her hand in the diplomat’s jacket to reach for the gun, her fingers already closing around it, she is tempted to kiss her again.
“Is it too soon to ask you to marry me?”
Elsa rolls her eyes, amusement written all over her face. “I don’t even have your number.”
“It’s fine, I don’t use my phone that much.”
“Get that drive and take us out of here. We can talk later.”
“You better hide.”
They part with a snap, Elsa goes rolling behind the chair, arms over her head, while Cassandra stands up, raising the gun in her hand, unlocking it in a click.
Then she starts shooting.