National City Rejects

Awkward silences were the worst.

Unfortunately, unsuccessfully trying to fill them had the bad habit of just making them suck even more.

“So…” Lena said after the bar had quieted down a bit and the awkward thing between the three woman had fully set in.

Fuck. Now they actually have to talk about the whole thing, don’t they? The big fucking purple elephant tap dancing its way around the room.

“Yup.” Maggie quite unhelpfully added. The ghost of an amused smirk playing on her lips telling the CEO she knew exactly what she was doing.

Bloody brat.

“Yeah, yeah...that was Sara.” Kara eventually replied barely above a whisper. Her tone was light and exasperated, but Lena couldn’t help but notice how incredibly fond it was. Which, okay, fine, Kara is a big girl who can have other friends. That’s fine. Lena was a forward thinking, liberated young woman. Good friends and potential romantic partners are totally allowed to have friends and important people outside of their main relationships. That’s totally fine. She’s not jealous or anything. She’s certainly not going to make a thing out of it.

...Even if those friends are annoyingly insurferrable and perfect blonde bitches.

“She was...certainly a character.” Lena replied mildly, careful to keep back all of the silly, irrational bite aching to claw its way from her throat.

Kara snorted and devolved into a set of adorable giggles.

...Clearly, Lena was not entirely successful.

“Well, that’s one way of putting it. She’d probably prefer a heinous bitch to be honest. Sara likes pushing buttons like it’s an olympic sport. She doesn’t actually mean any harm by it, and there really isn’t anything romantic between us.” Kara explained with a wave of her hand. The grin on her face was wide and amazing. Meanwhile the other register of her voice hummed and chirruped along with amusement. Those striking white and blue eyes positively sparkled with fondness and Lena realized an absolutely terrifying thing.

She was absolutely fucked and so gone on her impossibly adorable best friend.

“So you, uh, never really did...you know?” The CEO said as lightly and casually as she was able.

Maggie snorted at her totally unsuccessful attempt to play it cool. Brat.

“Babe, you can just ask if they’ve ever banged like a screen door in a hurricane. Kara’s a big girl I’m sure.” The ex-cop interjected, flashing a shit eating grin at the CEO. Then she gave Kara a smug little wink that had the Kryptonian turning a fetching shade of red.

Shit. Lena remembered exactly that second that Kara always makes the most adorable ‘eep’ sound when she was embarrassed. Really, turning the blonde all sorts of pretty colors with semi-innocent innuendo had been her favorite pass time back in National City.

Truly, the CEO was extremely fucked six ways from Sunday.

“S-S-Sex!!!!?” Kara fucking squeaked, jumping up in her seat and looking at them with wide, panicked eyes. Lena felt a great, amazing warmth of fondness seeping into her chest at the incredibly familiar look.

“N-No, we would never...I mean even if I might be, like…flufferducks. Sara is, well, she’s very, um... s-shiftyfluffers She’s very y’know, pretty and such, BUT!!!!” The blonde continued, huffing and spluttering in embarrassment.

“E-Even if I was, y’know, interested, WHICH I’m NOT, y’know, just if, well Sara’s incredibly gone on Nyssa. Like unbelievable, star crossed squooshy ex-assassin true love gone.” The kryptonian finally finished to the amused snickering of Lena and Maggie.

“Ohhhhh, so she’s very pretty is she? What are the qualities of a pretty girl in our favorite blonde kryptonian’s eyes. Just asking for a fluffing friend.” Maggie teased, her voice oozing with smug amusement.

Lena took that moment to very gracefully (if she does say so herself) choke on her own fucking spit.

Kara’s face burned a deep scarlet, and her eyes did an unmistakable couple of long, lingering flicks. They landed and hovered over the lower part of Lena’s face for a good long while, fixating intensely when the CEO licked her lips in a slight nervous tick. The surprise though, was when they shifted back over to do a slow once over up and down the ex-cop. Especially when they narrowed briefly somewhere around the latina woman’s collarbone, before widening in shock. All of which was accompanied by the rosy blush somehow getting even deeper.

Of course, Lena absolutely wasn’t born yesterday, so she had a pretty good idea of what happened. That particular area of Maggie’s collarbone was absolutely covered in several day old bite marks from the last time they got...frisky. Likely Kara was having some trouble controlling her x-ray vision when embarrassed and (probably) still a little tipsy. Which of course meant that she’d probably been (mostly) accidentally sneaking the odd peek here or there.

Cheeky little alien, Lena internally huffed.

The amused snort across the table informed Lena that Maggie, also not being born yesterday, had figured it out as well.

...and decided to have some more fun batting the Kryptonian around like a particularly favored cat toy.

“So I take it our adorable little peeping Jane saw something she liked?” Maggie said, smirking in the devilishly dimpled way she did.

The alien groaned loud and pained before letting out a series of somehow simultaneously elegant and coarse vocalizations in what had to be Kryptonian. Whatever their content was exactly, Lena knew it was filthy.

Lena felt herself smirk victoriously. Getting Kara to actually swear was always an accomplishment.

“Oh, don’t worry about it Kara. Maggie is very pretty and makes the best noises when you bite her. I’m sure we both totally understand the temptation. She is, after all, very pretty. It’s understandable to get a bit distracted.” The CEO teased with a wink.

Kara’s groan got louder.

“You’re both motherfluffing picking on me! No fair!” The kryptonian huffed after a moment, glaring at the pair with narrowed eyes.

“Now, where would you get a silly idea like that. After all, it was just an innocent question about what Kryptonians find attractive. For science you see. No need to get bent out of shape.” Maggie shot back, chuckling as Kara’s glare intensified.

Lena cackled, feeling better in that moment than she had in months, if not years.

Maybe, for once everything would turn up in her favor? Was that too much to ask?

(Probably. Luthors have the worst luck after all)

“Meanies!” Kara barked back, crossing her arms over her chest. The cutest, most exaggerated pout came over her features. One which made Lena’s heart melt, warm and full with good cheer.

Pretty girls. Good friends. Nice wine. What more was there to ask for from life? This was, quite simply, a perfect moment in her opinion.

Of course, nothing good ever lasts for Lena.

A few moments later Kara’s expression turned sharply sour. Something achingly deep and...lonely seemed to wash over her. Her eyes shimmered wetly and her breathing hitched. For a stunning second the blonde’s hands trembled nervously in front of her. Lena’s heart clenched, especially when a mournful little wheezy mewl worked its way out of Kara’s throat.

“Uh, was that question actually serious? Did you actually want to know about, y’know...Kryptonian views of adult, um, things?” Kara whispered, voice cracking and trembling with anxious vibrato. Maggie shot Lena a surprised and confused glance. The CEO, unsure about what exact landmine they’d stepped with their teasing merely shrugged.

Which, well, not knowing at all where the landmines were buried, Lena guessed that she’d just have to clomp her clumsy way through like a bull in a china shop. After all, the more she thought about…things... the more she realized she had regrets. Things she’d feel awful about never saying if she got the chance.

Now...was a chance. A good one too. It was all too possible that after tonight Kara would go back off to whatever job or life she’d made for herself, and neither of them would ever see her again. These sorts of lucky, one-off meetings don’t just come around every week. If she didn’t take it...well, she might never really forgive herself.

“Of course Kara. I know we...may have ended things really badly. However, I… uh, still care about you. An awful lot. Maggie and I talked about the whole…” Lena started saying, trailing off awkwardly and waving her hand in front of her.

Fuck. How do you talk about your best friend for years lying to you every day. How do you move on without necessarily forgiving. Kara may have had her damn reasons or whatever. It may have been more motivated by some strange desire to please Alex or whatever...but that didn’t mean it was okay. Even with the best of intentions...Kara still hurt her badly. You don’t get a free pass for punching your best friend in the gut, just because it was mostly not intended to be mean.

“I’m...well, I don’t think I’m really mad anymore. Sad. Hurt. It made me think you never trusted me, but um…Shit. What I’m trying to say is…Well, it’s that I’m an idiot with a temper. A temper that stopped me from really listening before, so I never really heard any of your reasons.” Lena continued explaining, her voice tight and controlled. She did her absolute best to ignore the subtle constant shifting in the Kryptonians expression.

Unfathomably deep, aching loneliness turning to wide eyed surprise. Surprise turning to fond, amazed warmth. Warmth turning to painful kicked kitten guilt. Guilt dawning with the most brutal sort of cresting, impossible hope.

...if she paid too much attention to the way those perfect eyes and wonderful features shifted, the swirling mass of old hurt, simmering controlled anger, distraught abandonment and deep, deep love would stop her from saying anything at all.

“I’m...listening now, for better or for worse. You were...probably the most important person in my life for a long, long time. Despite the hurt, I still want you by my side...one, way or another. If you want to tell us about your world and your culture, I’ll listen. As long as you need.” Lena promised, as confidently as she was able.

Hot tears fell silently down her cheeks.

She didn’t wipe them away.

Nor did Kara wipe her own away.

A firm hand grasping around Lena’s thigh grounded her just enough to glance over at her girlfriend. A heartbreakingly proud smile greeted her gaze, along with shining warm brown eyes. Maggie kissed her cheek tenderly and brought a hand around the CEO’s shoulder for a long hug. As it ended the ex-cop whispered, just barely audibly.

“Proud of you.”

...Lena’s tears spilled over once more, with an aborted hitch of her breath. She ghosted her own lips briefly over the latina woman’s hair.

Fuck.

If her stupid, fucking idiotic, desperate, needy, heart didn’t stop it’s stupid fucking illogical pitter pat...she’d be forced to soon conclude she absolutely loved Maggie as well as Kara.

If she’s honest, she probably has loved Maggie at least a little since that first perfect night together. She logically knew the heady new relationship energy was clouding her opinion. That didn’t help however, with the increasingly difficult time she had imagining her life without the ex-cop as a prominent feature in it. Just the same as the way her breath caught at imagining never again seeing Kara.

Thinking, even briefly about either made something bitter, fearful and depressing curl in her chest. No more movie nights curled up on the couch with a glorified kryptonian space heater. No more getting drunk and sharing long held secrets to an understanding ear. No more game nights with a wide smile and happy blue eyes. No more secret whole in the wall hipster joints they’ve both been meaning to try.

...it aches to even think about.

So really, isn’t it for the best to just stuff all of those sorts of thoughts down a deep dark memory hole?

A wet, smothered sob burst it’s way from Kara’s throat, pulling the CEO from her musing. Wide-eyed, Lena and Maggie looked at each other before zeroing in on the distraught kryptonian. In a panic, Kara was miserably wiping away at her eyes and apologizing repeatedly.

Hesitantly, Lena and Maggie both reached out a hand to squeeze around Kara’s arm. It took a few seconds, but the contact seemed to help the Kryptonian pull herself together.

A deep breath.

“S-Sorry, just, fuck I really needed to hear that.” Kara began, her voice coarse and whistling like mournful windchimes.

“Nothing to apologize for. I think you both have some unsaid things between you that you need to talk about. It’s going to be emotional, one way or another.” Maggie replied humming abstently. The latina woman squeezed Kara’s hand tighter as both a comfort and a gentle prod.

Kara nodded, still teary eyed.

“Right, um. Yeah. That whole thing was...don’t blame yourself for not listening to Lena. I wasn’t… I was an idiot, plain fucking simple. I was more happy to bury my head in the sand than deal with my fucking problems.” The blonde grumbled, voice filled with a palpable hissing sense of self loathing.

Lena’s heart clenched. This was… well, not what she’d really wanted or expected. Sweet, perfect, untouchable Kara shouldn’t have that sort of tone in her voice. That same vicious tone that always undercut Lena’s best attempts at positivity in the dark hours of the night. In her head it always sounded like Lillian berating her for some social slight or other. In Kara it seemed to take on a more harsh alien tone...almost militant in its restrained fury. She wondered what monster managed to instil something so vicious deep inside the symbol of hope.

This was not what she wanted.

Sure, Kara fucked up. Bad. Now that she's had time to cool off though...it’s not like Lena has never fucked up bad before either. Kara forgave her every time. Kara is...different. Lena was the idiot who wouldn’t listen to the damn explanation. Now she thinks she probably just jumped the damn gun and it wasn’t about Lena. Her shit fucking self worth is always making her defensive against such perceived slights. Kara might be wrong occasionally, but she always had the best of intentions. After all, Kara was just...purely, innocently good. Always. That was just a damn fundamental truth of Lena’s world.

Right?

All the CEO really wanted was an honest apology and to actually hear the kryptonian’s explanation in full. Not to…wound the woman to the point she was breaking down in tears.

Then again, Kara was also the woman who had just retired from her life’s passion and work. Who had just seemingly lost her goddamn sister. Is it any surprise that poking under the surface would dig up something...ugly?

...was this her fault?

Who’s she kidding, these things are always Lena’s fault.

A sharp poke to her leg and a glare from Maggie had the CEO wrenched out of downward spiral. Right. Pull the self-loathing back a few dozen notches. She can do that.

(She really can’t)

“I...um, I truly meant it when I said I’d always t-trusted you, more than just about anyone.” Kara began again, her voice gentle and wary, like a cornered animal. Lena forced herself to just keep a soft smile on her face.

She wasn’t going to hurt Kara anymore. Kara who was perfect. kara who deserved the world. Kara who she’d hurt so very, very badly. This, she promised.

(As if she was ever able to keep her damn promises. Foolish, weak child, screamed the ugly little voice at the back of her brain.)

“T-To be honest, um, it wasn’t that you weren’t willing to listen or whatever. Please don’t blame yourself, it was all on me. It took me...goddamn weeks after to pull my head out of my ass. The reasons I didn’t share my secret with you for so long were...complicated. There was some old...unaddressed trauma, some weird Kryptonain customs and a whole bunch of just plain stupid insecure drama. I didn’t even really know my own reasons until I actually started talking it out with Sara and a couple of other friends.” The kryptonian continued bravely. Lena could practically see the way steel settled into her spine and the thin veneer of Supergirl’s strength and confidence were dragged over her shoulders. It wobbled a bit here and there as Kara’s voice warbled, but it mostly held strong.

(Like old, broken armor, as she marched to her likely end. Or a flimsy reed bowing in a thunderstorm)

Lena’s poor, abused heart clenched again.

No. This wasn’t right.

Perfect, impossible Kara couldn’t be the one at fault. It was Lena. Always Lena. Lena with her stupid, immature temper. Lena who could never be as refined, elegant or intelligent as she should. Lena who didn’t listen. Lena who...raised Kara high on wax wings, only to lash out when the Kryptonian fell as the sun inevitably melted them. It was always Lena’s fault.

Wasn’t it?

Could it have been both of their faults? Could one of them be more at fault than the other? Maybe it was really neither of their faults? Could it really all just have been a colossal collision of bad luck, roads to hell paved in good intentions, fragile insecurities and deep, acid filled mires of old hurt?

Could it really be that simple?

“I would...uhm, be relieved to actually explain for real this time. But, uh, be warned, it’s kind of a long story...and I’ll definitely need another drink or three to get through it.” The Kryptonian finished, her voice crackling sadly.

Lena took a deep breath to calm her racing heart and mind.

Then another one.

“I’d like that.”