The Corner

I’m a fool.

I repeated the phrase over and over as I searched the internet about Kara’s friend. Dr. Jamie Sinclair. Respected doctor, honored doctor for her work with doctors without borders. She did indeed disappear around the time Kara mentioned, supposedly killed in an explosion years ago. Never to be heard from until she arrived in Catco, stirring up long abandoned emotions. Well, not that long abandoned. I needed to work on the jealousy I felt whenever another was near Kara. Something that was becoming incredibly embarrassing regardless of how much I knew she was mine.

I sighed, clicking out of the report from my own contacts in the intelligence world. Jamie was a witness to numerous human rights violations in Southeast Asia and disappeared in a reported explosion of a small camp. A reported explosion creatively crafted by her now husband. A loyal agent to the queen. The same man who helped me a handful of times as I chased the shadows Kara left behind.

Clicking out of the internet, I leaned back in my chair, glancing at silly reports and memos Sharon happily provided me. Eager to show how well the company was doing under my control. I smiled through the vapid meeting, fighting the urge to run out of the room, ashamed and embarrassed.

My jealousy once again running amuck in my heart.

But the sight of Kara in the arms of another set a fire deep in my belly and I couldn’t contain it as it spread. It was always a latent fear I’d lose her. Whether it was to the chaos of the world, or to another, I knew there was a chance. Then kismet. Kismet kept forcing it’s way in and I fought to hold on to it. Ignoring the millions of other emotions I needed to deal with. Jealousy, forgiving myself, acceptance, hope, and freedom.

I just took the first crumb of hope Kara tossed my way. Gobbling them up like a starving fool, riding the high of being in her orbit again. Letting her sun cast over my heart like a healing balm. I staked my claim and shoved the other emotions away, figuring I’d be fine. Everything would be as perfect as it felt when I was with her.

“I’m a fool.” I clicked off the monitor and stood up from the desk. Maybe I needed to back off. Take a breath, one that wasn’t laden with the air of Kara. She had a past, a history. A history I had very little understanding of outside of the moments I forced myself in. I collected my bags, fighting the tears of disappointment. I needed to go home, anywhere else to sit and think. I grabbed my phone, dialing Claire without a thought.

“You better have a good reason to be calling me and interrupting me crying over the new Adele song.”

“I’m a fool.” I choked back the tears, waving at Sharon as I left my office, avoiding eye contact with anyone as I made a beeline towards the elevators.

“I’ve known that from the first moment I met you, shaking with nerves before your presentation for the medical conference in Paris. But I knew we’d were meant to be friends.” Claire sighed. “What happened?”

I took a breath as the elevator doors closed, letting out when I was safely encased in the steel box. “I can’t control my jealousy. How do I control it? It’s such a feeble emotion that makes humans do foolish things.” I blinked back tears.

“Hm. Well, it is a human emotion, so kudos for breaking another Luthor mold. And you’ve never wanted for anything, growing up with money and then inheriting money, you never worried. You’ve given more away to others than your asshole brother spent trying to melt the planet. And I’m pretty sure you’d be happy living in a one bedroom in the middle of nowhere. So, deductive reasoning would leave me to believe this jealousy is tied to another human. A human who you love intrinsically.” Claire paused. “Why are you jealous? She loves you more than the air we’re all forced to breathe.”

“And I love her more than that.” I whispered the words out. “Then why am I jealous to see her hugging another woman? A friend who saved her life?” I left out, why does it burn when I see her with anyone else who makes her smile?

“Chances are you’ve not bothered to slow down and look at yourself. Stop and look at who you are now, versus who you were with her. The twenty something Lena was a intriguing young woman with a brain bigger than the world around her. Searching out her own way, and utterly hopeless when it came to understanding love and all the other emotions that came with it. Lena now is older, wiser, has nothing to fight against, but you never stopped. You never stopped and looked in the mirror and left your heart out to breathe. It sat in a stasis for the last ten years, afraid to beat for the fear it might beat for another. You locked it up, threw away the key and now, Kara lands like a golden angel with the key. She’s unlocked long dead parts of you. Parts you forget to grow as you grew into yourself.” Claire paused. “Sorry for the waxing poetic, I’m in a mood because of this music.”

I chuckled lightly, wiping away tears as I stepped out onto the streets. “It’s perfect.” I took a deep breath letting her words sink in. “But how do I grow my heart to be where I need it to be?”

“Miracle grow? My nan says it does wonders on her azaleas.” Claire laughed when I huffed at her. “To be honest, you might need to sit in a dark room. Drink some good wine, put on a sad movie, sad music and let the last ten years out. Cry your face off, sleep past alarms and just stop. Just stop, Lena. The war is over, you’ve won. Absorb the victory and let it heal the parts you never thought broken. Just breathe, Lena. Stop holding your breathe for the next disaster.”

I bit my bottom lip, smiling as I turned to look at the afternoon sun. “I’d ask you to come over, but you’d drink all of my wine and force me to watch P.S. I Love You, mocking the accents.” I sighed, turning to walk towards home just a few blocks away. “Have I screwed up? Rushing?”

“Only time will tell, Lena. In the meantime, go find the youth you were and commiserate together. A broken heart can’t heal if you don’t pick up the pieces.” Claire cleared her throat. “Call me if you need an emergency wine delivery.”

“Of course.” I hung up, tucking my phone in my bag as I slipped on my sunglasses. My head felt full, too full and the ache in my heart told me Claire was right. My heart was still broken, pieces scattered throughout my body. I never let it heal properly, just clutched to the shards like broken glass. Even after Kara and I pulled the string between us closer, I still held onto those shards. Never letting go, and never putting them back together.

I needed to pause and take a breath, peel the shards from my palm and carefully put them back. If I didn’t, I’d ruin everything once more.

XXXX

Kara

“If I say I love you, you won’t take it any other way than a deep familial love?” Jamie squeezed her arms around me, chuckling as I groaned.

“I love you, too. Just as much as my sister. Nothing more, and nothing less.” I leaned back in her arms, grinning at the sense of another weight dropping from my shoulders. “Plus, I was incredibly drunk that night. I think I may have professed my love to the toilet seat.”

“You did. Multiple times. If I wasn’t sober, I’d been jealous of it.” Jamie laughed as I punched her shoulder. “With that, I must go. You have my contact information. Let’s do lunch, dinner, etc. It’s been a long time and it’d be nice to share war stories in a comfy café with running water and a hearty lack of war lords.” She squeezed my elbow. “Call me when you do the thing. Then invite me to the big day. I’ll be your ring bearer.”

I laughed, nodding. “Considering the amount of times you saved me from throwing it into the sea, you are the only one I trust with it.” I tipped my head down, pushing my glasses up. “Jamie. Thank you, for….”

“I know. I’ll always know. No need to say it.” She winked. “And thank you, Danvers. You’ve given this jaded soul a little glimmer of hope. There are heroes in this cocked up world.” She let go of my elbow, stepping back. “Till next time.”

“Until then.” I threw up a little wave as Jamie rushed out of my office.

I turned to the window, humming quietly as the emotions settled down. We’d talk for hours in my office, moving to the diner down the block and back again. She knew everything about Lena and the last few months of reconnection. The slips and stumbles I made as I struggled to grab onto this new reality I lived in. One where I was safe, loved, and never alone.

I looked over my shoulder at the small black box sitting on my desk. An upgraded home for the ring I’d carried in wax paper for the last ten years.  Jamie and I stopped at a jeweler on the way back to my office. The ring was cleaned, the setting reinforced, and as the box was set in my palm, I felt the rush I did from ten years ago. The rush of making Lena my forever. It was like I was falling love with her for the fourth, fifth time. But harder and harder with every minute.

She was it. She was the one. She was my person. I didn’t care if she was jealous whenever another was close by. I could, would, show her there wasn’t anyone who could light a candle next to her. She was the reason why I survived everything. Why death was hesitant to take me, instead it stood over me, prodding me to get up and not give up.

I turned back to the window. The city was oddly shimmery under the late afternoon sun. The city was bright and calm, reflecting what I felt in this moment.

Bright and calm.

Not dark. Not nervous. Not scared of what would come when the sun slipped away, casting darkness.

I knew I’d still have bad days, bad moments and nightmares. But I had Lena. I had Jamie. I had Alex, Winn, Eliza, and the many others who stood by me when I was too blind to notice I wasn’t alone.

“I’m not alone, anymore.” I smiled, tipping my head down to hide the tears and grin. I’ll never be alone.

I let out a slow breath, turning back to my desk to grab my phone and call Lena, when the screen lit up with the number of the animal shelter.

“Hello?”

“Hi Kara, it’s Gwen from the shelter. Pepper is all set. Her shots are all done, and she’s healthy. You can pick her up today if you’d like? Or we can keep the original date of this weekend?”

“I’ll be over in fifteen minutes.” I almost giggled with excitement. “Tell her I’m on my way.”

I hung up and almost raced out of my office without my bag and the ring. I scooped both up, tucking the ring deep into my front pocket. I hollered to Eve I’d be taking the rest of the day and to forward any calls to my cell.

XXXX

“She is cuter than shit. I’ll give you that.” Alex sat next to me on the couch, holding Pepper as the little dog slept in her arms. “Just don’t go overboard, Kara. You can’t spoil the shit out of her right from the get go. She is a dog.”

I frowned as I hung up Pepper’s leash on the bone shaped hook right next to my coat hook. “I won’t.”

“Mhmm. Of course, you won’t.” Alex eyeballed the piles of dog toys in the corner, next to another fancy dog bed I bought the yesterday. Thinking Pepper might want one in the living room next to the couch. “I’m probably looking at two paychecks worth of toys and treats.”

“Alex.” I gave my sister a look before sitting down next to her. “You know what happens when I get excited.”

“You go crazy.” Alex nudged me with her shoulder, making Pepper snuffle at being jostled. “Remember when you got your first New York City apartment? All the I heart NYC crap you got at that tourist trap bodega? Then there was the time you got your first job at the high school newspaper. The fridge looked like a half assed paper mache project.” Alex chuckled at my pout. “Should I bother going into the days after your first date with Lena?”

I covered my face with both hands, groaning. “Ugh. Okay. I get it.”

“Speaking of Lena.” Alex cocked an eyebrow. “Winn mentioned a little bit of drama earlier today. And, I had a guest at my office. I always knew Jamie wasn’t near that explosion. I just couldn’t prove it, and my MI5 contacts always evaded when I went digging for you.”

I nodded, leaning back in the couch, watching Pepper sleep. “She fell out of the elevator and shocked the hell out of me. I was too dazed to think how it might have looked to Lena. Me locked in a less than friendly embrace with another woman.” I rolled my head to look at Alex. “Jealousy. It keeps haunting us. It makes no sense, Alex. There literally is no one else in this world that could replace what I’ve always felt about Lena. I’d rather be a cat lady, hoarding cats, then be with anyone else. I got over it the first time it reared up the other night on our date. But when I looked in her eyes, I saw a fire I hadn’t seen in years. It burned me just looking at her. Even after I explained the situation, and Jamie piped in. I could feel the tension between us.”

“You two were always locked in a bubble. Ignorant to the world rolling around you. It was sickening to be near, until I found Kelly and fell ass over tea kettle in love with her. Now I get it. Shit, even I got jealous in our first few months whenever anyone whispered kindness her way. I think I almost punched a kid for taking her cart back for her at the grocery store.” Alex shrugged, slipping Pepper over into my arms. The little dog, opened one eye, looked at me, then proceeded to lay her head on my chest, falling right back into her nap. “Truth is, you never stopped loving each other. You just tried to. Real damn hard, and any way you could think of. But in the end, the string between you never broke. No one, and nothing could break it. She loves you. You love her. Beyond forever. Yet, that doesn’t mean human emotion doesn’t take a break.”

Alex motioned to the coffee table. My stupid face looking back at us with the headline of National City’s most eligible woman, right across my chest. “Thirty five year old you is hot shit. You’re everything every fantasy is made of. Brooding, mysterious, attractive, intelligent, world saving woman with a few sexy scars. You’re an enigma resurfacing from the dregs of hell. Everyone, and I mean everyone, wants to know more.” Alex shook her head. “Catco should interview me and I can tell them how you couldn’t sleep with out a nightlight until you were eighteen. Or if you laugh to hard, milk will shoot out of your nose like a faucet. Or! I can tell them about the time you fell down the stairs eating spaghetti for breakfast.” She looked at the ceiling, ticking off more. “You love Disney movies more than any adult should. You’d eat doughnuts for every meal, only sprinkles, you use gosh darn and golly more than any modern human should. You are walking sunshine, and the biggest dork I’ve ever met.”

I hit my sister with a pillow across the face. “I’m about to give you a scar.” I laughed with Alex, moving to hit her again when she snatched the pillow from my hand. “I get it. I do. I just don’t see what others see. I’m just a dork who did a bunch of stupid things and had to survive.”

“Yep. Did you ever stop and think what Lena sees? Stop and think after ten years, is she still the same twenty four year old who had no clue where her last name would lead her? What her life would be come because she’s a Luthor? The day Lillian played her hand, she stopped being the Lena we all knew. I’m pretty sure she had to shove everything into deep dark corners and fight battles we never saw.” Alex held up a hand. “She loves you. Don’t ever doubt that. I don’t, I won’t ever after the last few months.” She paused as her phone buzzed on the coffee table. She picked it up, rolling her eyes. “Of course. Why can’t criminals ever turn themselves in during normal work hours?” She tapped a text out. “I have to go interview a dipshit.” She stood up, throwing the pillow at my head.

“We still on for weekend brunch?” I stood with her, cradling Pepper.

“Always.” She shrugged her coat on. “To finish my thought. Lena never got the chance to be a stupid kid, processing feelings. Her family tried to blow up the world on Monday. Tuesday she was the third wealthiest woman in the world, and Wednesday through Sunday, she spent saving your ass. Lena never had a day off in ten years.” She gave me a hard look. “Even when she broke her arm saving a small village.”

I swallowed hard. “I know.” I closed my eyes. “I know me running away left everyone in the lurch. And I have to make up for that.”

Alex shrugged. “Just buy me breakfast for the next two months, and a bottle of that fancy scotch Lena hides in her office, and we’ll be even.” She kissed my forehead. “Take care of my new niece, and I’ll see you Saturday.”

I rolled my eyes with a smile, closing the door behind Alex. I sighed, looking down at Pepper finally awake from her nap. “Should we call Lena?”

Pepper gave a soft woof, her tail wagging. I grinned, kissing the top of her fluffy little head. “I think she’s still at her office.” I dug my phone out, setting Pepper down to let her run around the loft. I swiped open the phone to a text from her. I smiled, clicking it open.

-Kara. Apologies for earlier. I should’ve known better. I’m stuck in meetings for the rest of the day and tomorrow. Can we talk this weekend?-

I stared at the text. The tone was off. Too formal and distant. Something was wrong. Even after a ten year gap, I knew the varying texts of Lena. From professional to silly ones using her favorite emoji’s. I hit her contact, letting the phone ring as I watched Pepper fling a stuffed potsticker around the kitchen.

She answered one ring before it went to voicemail. “Is everything okay?” Her voice was soft, raspy, tired.

“I should be asking you that, Lena.” I chewed on my bottom lip. “I got your text.”

“Mmm. It’s been a hectic day.” Lena cleared her throat. “Are you free this weekend?”

“I’m free right now. I picked up Pepper and Alex just left.” I paused. “Lena, it’s okay to tell me, if something’s wrong. If you’re not okay.” I sighed. “It’s okay if you’re not okay. I…I don’t think I’ve ever asked if you’re okay since we collided under a kismet colored sky.”

The silence drifting in told me in it’s own firm tone Lena was not okay. Alex was right. Lena never got the space to process the last ten years. It was one crumbling foundation after another, and she never stopped. She kept going, kept moving, kept giving more for others. Perhaps it was her way of searching out repent for a stupid decision she thought she made out of love. “Lena. It’s okay to say it. Take it from me, I operate on how much together I can pull out of the sky every day. And most days my together tank runs out and I need help.” I closed my eyes. “I’m here, Lena. I may not be the best, but I’m here. I’m never leaving you. If I do, you’re coming with me. I learned a hard lesson a long time ago. Loving you was the greatest thing I ever did. Loving you kept me alive, kept me humble, and kept waking me up the next day. No matter the scars on my body, I take one look at you and the past becomes something I want to move past, so I can have a future with you.” I blinked back tears. “I never stopped loving you, Lena Luthor. And I will never stop loving, even after my last second on this planet, I will still love you.”

I swallowed hard, waiting for her to hang up on me or tell me she was fine. Give me an excuse it was another day of boardroom battles and endless research projects. I let a few beats pass before opening my mouth and giving her an out.

“I’m not okay. I’m tired, Kara. Tired without a clue how to stop.” Her voice trembled with tears, making my heart hurt. “I haven’t felt okay in ten years, until I saw you at our station. Your blue eyes. They always saw me.” She let out a soft sob, doing her best to muffle it before it consumed our conversation.

I nodded, fighting my own tears and desire to run across the city to her. “Do you want me to….”

“Yes.” She sniffled, cutting me off. “I need you, Kara.”

I whispered I’d be there in a flash, hung up as I heard another sob. “Pepper! Come here, girl.” I shook her leash and the tiny little MIT sweatshirt I found online one sleepless night. “Lena needs us.”

Pepper barked, running towards me full speed. I scooped her up and ran out of my loft on a mission.