chapter 10
Lena
The downside to the nubis metal pins, was the subtle hum the metal made as it ran it’s hourly diagnosis of the break in my arm. A normal human would never hear it, but the human who created it could hear and feel every tiny flaw I needed to work out. The combination of the anesthesia wearing off and the hum, I woke up in the middle of the night, completely restless and sore. I didn’t want to look at the time, knowing it would frustrate me. Normally, if I woke up in the middle of the night, I’d default to working until it was time to head to the office, or I fell asleep at my desk. With my right arm out of commission, work was not an option. Going to the bathroom alone might become an impossible feat.
I slipped out of bed, struggling to stand up without smacking my arm. I had to take a deep breath for the first few steps, my entire body had been battered when I was thrown to the floor during the explosion. I was fearful of what my body would look like in the shower, thinking about covering the mirrors with towels.
As I reached the end of the bed, I paused at the sight of blonde hair spilling across the rug under my bed. I took another step, revealing Kara sleeping on the floor with a single flat pillow and one of the smaller blankets I used as decoration. She was curled up in a ball, her brow furrowed as she slept in a very defensive position. Her arms crossed, hands tucked up near her chin. The sight made my heart drop as I slowly knelt down, using the bed as crutch, and reached for her shoulder. “Kara.” My voice was a raspy whisper as I gently shook her. “Kara.”
Her eyes flicked open, wildly searching the dark room, rolling over and away from my hand. “I’m awake, is everything okay?” She scooted to sit up, still looking around the room, at the door, before focusing on me. “Lena?” She hopped to her feet, reaching for me.
I let her grab my elbow and lift me to my feet, using her to steady my balance. “My arm woke me up.” I smiled, lifting my arm as the metal pins whirled to adjust to the movement. “I wanted to make some tea, or walk around. I think my mind is bored with laying down, it’s starting to crave anything interactive to burn off it’s excessive energy.”
Kara nodded, running her hands through messy hair. “I can make you tea. Let me walk you to the living room.” She looked angry as she reached for her glasses set on the small end table by the door, telling me she had willingly laid on the floor in my bedroom and fallen asleep. “I think I left an old movie on pause on the TV.” She linked my good arm in hers as she walked us towards the living room.
I glanced at her, the angry look still on her face, even as her tone was gentle and caring. “Are you okay, Kara? I can manage if you’d like to go back to sleep.”
She forced a smile as we neared the couch. “I’m fine. You woke me up right on the edge of a nightmare, so I should thank you.” She helped me to sit, grabbing a large blanket tossed along the back, laying it over my lap. “I bought some lavender tea, would you like that? I’d offer a stiff drink, but I had strict instructions from your doctor to keep you away from the scotch for a few more days.”
“Lavender is perfect, thank you.” I shifted, laying my arm on a pillow as I watched Kara shuffle to the couch, her shoulders hunched. I wanted to say something, ask about her nightmare, ask why she was sleeping on the floor, but wasn’t sure if I should.
“It’s really hot, I haven’t figured out how to change the settings on your electric kettle.” Kara set down a steaming cup of tea and a bottle of water on the table in front of me, also setting down a scone with the orange pill bottles Claire sent me home with. “You slept through the last dose. I didn’t have the heart to wake you up when you finally fell back asleep.” She cleared her throat, chewing on her bottom lip. “Um, sorry about, the floor.” She waved a hand towards my bedroom.
“You don’t have to tell me if you don’t want to, Kara. I’ve asked far too much from you these last few days.” I stared at the mug, funneling the tension into how I was going to logistically pick up a steaming hot mug of tea without dumping it everywhere. “If the guest bed is uncomfortable, I can switch with you, or I can sleep in the chair in the office. I’ve done both numerous times, and found it to be fairly decent accommodations.” I leaned forward, reaching for the painkillers as my body started taking stock of every little ache and pain it inherited, making me regret getting up in the first place.
Kara’s hand shot out, grabbing the bottles and the tea as she sat on the edge of the table, moving closer to me. “I’m sorry, you’re right handed, and your right hand is immobile.” She opened the bottles, shaking pills out, laying them in my open palm. She waited for me to pop them in my mouth before handing me the water. She kept her eyes on my arm for an awkward beat. “I fell asleep in the office while working. I woke up when I heard you crying. I rushed into the bedroom, freaking out.” She waved at my arm. “Then I heard the pins moving your arm and I don’t know. I didn’t know what I could do.” She sighed. “Dr. Cates told me the pins would move, adjusting the bones to prevent scar tissue growth. She told me you’d be in pain, but wouldn’t notice it.” She paused, still staring at my arm.
“The nubis metal has a built in anesthetic, it’s still very rudimentary. I get caught in an odd limbo where I can and cannot feel the pain. It’s my way of not fully shutting down the nervous system, just an attempt to bypass it.” I picked at the label on the water bottle. “I should’ve asked Claire to explain it thoroughly.”
Kara nodded, still refusing to look in my eyes. “I sleep better on the floor when I’m nervous, scared. It’s a weird grounding thing. It’s like my brain is more receptive to letting me sleep, knowing I’m prepared to jump to my feet and run if I have to.” She pushed her glasses up, finally meeting my eyes. “I wanted to be close if you needed me.”
I blinked, desperately holding back tears. “Kara, if this is too much…”
She shook her head, laying a hand on my forearm, her warmth soaking into my skin like the sun. “Lena, I told you’d I’d stay.” She took the water bottle, switching it with the now warm tea. “Drink this and then we’ll take a short walk around the apartment before getting you back to bed. You need rest.”
“So do you, Kara.” I said it softly, hoping not to jostle the very tentative air between us. There was more to what Kara was saying.
She chuckled. “I haven’t slept a full night in over ten years, rest isn’t in my repertoire.” She leaned back, picking at the same label I had been as she chewed on her bottom lip.
“Kara, you can talk to me.” I sipped the tea, closing my eyes at the taste. Kara still remembered exactly how I took my tea and the simple act made me want to cry.
“Splash of cream, two raw sugar and two counter clockwise stirs.” Kara mumbled. “No matter how hard I tried, so much of you was burned into my soul. I couldn’t forget it, or cut it out of me. I’d always see you in the world, even if I was at the literal end of it. I’d see your favorite flower growing out of a bomb crater, find the weird black tea you loved in a market in Morocco, see your eyes in the emeralds of Afghanistan, and hear your voice in the wind.” She looked at me, her eyes mapping out my face. “For every silly movie I saw, every book I ever read, they all said running away wasn’t the answer. But my heart, it hurt so much, I couldn’t breathe. I stopped breathing the second the door closed behind you. It’s as if you took all of the oxygen with you, leaving me to suffocate in a gasping misery.” She turned to look at the large window covered by curtains, a sliver of the city lights peeping through. “I knew I wasn’t the idea Lillian wanted. I wasn’t a match for a Luthor. I was a girl from a small town, too much hope, too eager to change the unchangeable. I knew the moment I connect your last name to them, it was a matter of time. It was inevitable your family would step in and push me out.”
“Kara, I.”
She shook her head. “I don’t blame you anymore.” She tugged the sleeves of her worn oversized FBI sweatshirt of her hands. “I did blame you for years, all the way up until I tucked you in this bed and you rambled under the influence, telling me a few things.” She frowned. “I’m an idiot. A fool. And for that I’ve paid a million times over. I’ve been stabbed in the Congo, beaten in Thailand, survived a plane crash in the Ukraine and almost froze to death, I’ve been blown up four times. Twice in Syria, once in Afghanistan, and South Africa. I almost died in Russia and have fought my way out of at least twenty different countries. All for what?”
“You saved lives, you helped arrest very bad people, doing very bad things.” My voice wavered as I spoke. “I read all the reports of what you did, you’re a hero, Kara. Not a fool.”
She laughed, shaking her head. “I’m not a hero.” She stood up, walking towards the window. “A hero would’ve chased after you, stood up to your mother, fought to keep you. Instead, I took the coward’s way out, hoping the further I ran, the more I’d forget you.” Kara pressed her hands against the window. “I never forgot you. Every October, I made sure I landed in New York for the day. I’d go to our station and stand, watching the crowds move in and out. I don’t know why, it just became an odd ritual and in some ways, I wanted you to show up. Walk off the A line, look for me, find me, and smile.” She let out a slow breath, tears edging around her voice. “And every year I was relieved you didn’t. I had no clue how I’d ever handle seeing you again when the last memory I had was of us screaming at each other.”
I felt the tears roll down my face, my heart pounding as it hurt. I had a spotty memory of what I told her as she tucked me in bed after Claire brought me home from the hospital. “I destroyed us to protect you. If anyone is the fool, it’s me.” I could’ve fought Lillian, left the family, since in a years’ time after walking out on Kara, Lex was arrested for attempted mass murdered and Lillian was charged as an accessory along with her numerous financial crimes. It took me two more years to start acting as Kara’s shadow, following her, fearful to reveal myself. “I saw the hurt and anger I put you through. I saw the way my actions changed you.” I paused, leaning forward to set the tea down. “When you were hurt in Syria, I sat by your bedside, planning to be there when you woke up. Be there for you and ask for forgiveness.” I frowned, focusing on the pins in my arm for a moment. “I’d stepped out of your room to check on the others injured with you, and when I came back in, you were talking to your photographer.” I smiled tightly at the memory.
“I was pissed off that morning, beyond cranky. I really hate being blown up, it takes days for my hearing to go back to normal.” Kara turned to look at me, her eyes glassy. “The first thing I saw when I woke up, was the cover of that month’s Catco. Some nurse had left it on my bedside table.” Kara clenched her jaw. “You were on the cover with Caleb, announcing your engagement. I was in pain and couldn’t hold in my feelings of you settling for a frat boy who was well beneath you.” She tipped her head down. “I let my jealousy have its day, and I know what I said wasn’t nice.”
“I was selfish, silly, and settling.” I scooted to the edge of the couch, pushing myself up. “But I was never engaged to Caleb, we had three dates before he saw my heart was elsewhere. It was Lillian and her feeble attempt to ruin a merger with another company I was working on. Caleb was, is, a good friend who helped me get into places I couldn’t. Places where you were, Kara.” I stood up, taking a step towards Kara. “I never, ever love anyone like I loved you, Kara. I’d never give my heart to anyone but you.”
Kara looked up, immediately moving towards me as I stumbled. “Lena, you should sit down.”
“I’ve sat long enough.” I took her hand, gripping it, soaking up her strength. “I was a fool who didn’t deserve the sunshine of a small town girl, I didn’t realize what I had with you. I know that now. I don’t care about preserving my elegant upbringing, or maintaining the air of a Luthor. I’m half a Luthor, the other half is from a small town in Ireland where everyone smiles and says hello.” I took a steady breath. “I don’t know why fate and kismet thought now was the time to bring us back together, but I’m not going to ignore this. I’m not going to ignore the energy between us.” I glanced at the closet where my briefcase sat. And in that briefcase, in a hidden pocket, sat my precious research files and a small box with worn and faded edges. A box that survived Lillian’s wrath and Lex trying to blow the Luthor manor to pieces. “I’m not running anymore. If you decided to scream at me, I’ll stand and take it. If you want to pour your heart out, and only ask me to listen, I’ll sit with you. If you want me to leave you alone for another ten years, I will do it.” I went to pull my hand from hers. “But I will always be a phone call away.” Kara tugged my hand, reluctantly letting go. “Please, you don’t have to sleep on the floor. I’ll give you my bed, or I’ll buy a new one for the guest room.” I wobbled, the painkillers starting to sink into my system. I stepped away, turning to head back to my bed. “I should lie back down before I topple over.”
Kara nodded, swallowing hard as she tipped her head down and took my elbow. “I’ll help you get comfortable.” Her voice trembled, and by the way her bottom lip scrunched up, she was fighting back her tears.
“Thank you.” I whispered, forcing a smile for her when all I wanted to do was sit on the floor against my bed and cry until I couldn’t breathe. Hearing her casually list her injuries, knowing they were far more than a tick off a list, destroyed me.
We walked the last few steps in silence, the tension ebbing and flowing with as. It was as if for every little secret we slipped free, the tension would escape like a wild balloon, then build back up.
After settling me in the bed, Kara disappeared, coming back a minute later with more water and my meds. She bent down, grabbing the pillow and blanket she used from the floor.
“There’s proper blankets and pillows in my closet. Please, use those instead of those silly decoration pillows my interior designer talked me into purchasing. Something about minimalist feng shui.” I wiggled under the covers, shivering as I yawned.
Kara gave me a soft smile, shuffling to the large closet. She blindly reached in, pulling out a heavy blanket and one of the fluffiest pillows in the collection. She laid them in the stiff chair right by the bed. “I’m want to sit with you until you fall asleep, I promise to not sleep on the floor, but I’ve grown fond of sleeping in chairs.” She pushed her glasses up, glancing at me. Her eyes were betraying the smile on her face. She had so much to say, but held back. It was one of her few tells. Her eyes always dimmed behind a bright smile when she was avoiding.
“Kara, I’d argue the scientific and medical disadvantages of sleeping in hard furniture, but I’m barely coherent and might just ramble about how much I hate the chairs in this apartment.” I yawned again, wishing I could grab her, pull her in my arms and force her to lay down with me. Just like we used to in a drafty apartment in Brooklyn. She was so warm, so soft and yet so strong. I always felt so safe with her next to me.
I turned, catching Kara watching me. “I’ll be right back, Lena.” She rushed out of the room as I slid further down the bed, resting my arm on a pillow as I tugged the blankets up over my shivering body.
“The first time I saw you on campus, it was five days before we officially met. I was running down the hall, late for my medieval literature class. I hate that class, the professor made everything so boring. How do you make the story of Arthur and the knights of the round table boring?” Kara walked to the chair, pulling it closer to the edge of the bed as she sat. “You were talking to Professor Garner. The head of psychology. You were laughing, a big grin covering your face. You looked at me for a literal half second, but when your eyes met mine, it was like opening pandora’s box. I didn’t stop, I kept running, but as I ran into the classroom, my heart told me life was about to change.” She chuckled. “And it did.”
I remember the whirl of blonde hair as Kara ran past me, but it didn’t register until a few days later when I bumped into Kara in line at the campus bookstore. She grinned at me, fidgeting with her glasses, and for two years, I never went a morning without a Kara Danvers grin to greet me before my coffee.
Kara leaned over in the chair, moving her hand inches away from mine, her fingertips barely brushing the edge of my palm. “Ask me anything, Lena. Please. I don’t know how to do this if you don’t ask. I have so much trapped inside of me.” She reached down, grabbing something before she set a stack of journals on the bed. “If you don’t want to ask, you can read these. It’s everything.” She paused, biting her bottom lip.
I blinked back tears, covering her hand with mine. “Read them to me?” I squeezed her hand, fighting off another yawn. “Please?”
Kara turned her hand up, slipping her fingers in between mine. “Okay.”
My eyes closed on their own. I fought to open them, but as Kara started reading, the sound of her voice mixed with the painkillers, I lost. I fell asleep, Kara’s hand in mine and some of the weight I’d carried around my heart, fading with every breath.