The Corner

I alternated between staring at Alex snoring like a dead animal on my couch, and the USB drive sitting on my desk. Both were driving me to the point of insanity.

I was curious, of course, to know if Lena had been the weird good luck always at my back. Every time I found myself in the impossible, and I felt despair and about to submit that I was seriously fucked, a ray of light would pierce through the storm clouds and rescue me. I never questioned it, thinking it was maybe some old Irish luck running in the genes of my biological family.

I blew out a hard laugh shaking my head, wincing at the pain. It was Irish luck alright.

Nudging Alex in the ribs to get her to shift and stop snoring, I stood up from the couch and wobbled over to the kitchen island. I poked the USB like it was a dead rat, thinking it would hop up and chase me, little USB hands trying to grab me and force me to read the files.

I huffed. In a way, it angered me. If Lena was in the shadows this entire time, why didn’t she pop out and try to talk to me? Why not while I was lying in a hospital in the Ukraine, or when I was shivering in the back of a Army convoy, fighting the desire to scream and cry until my ears stopped ringing. Why hide for ten years, be the angel on my shoulder and come to me when I was barely holding it together?

I wondered when I walked away if she truly loved me like I loved her? And now a tiny oblong shaped device stared back at me, possibly telling me everything I ever questioned for the last ten years.

I ran a hand through my hair, rubbing the side of my head as it throbbed. It was going to be a long weekend, with a longer headache. I walked towards me desk, snatching up the USB and opened a drawer, tossing it with a bunch of old notebooks I had hopes of using, but probably never would. Wobbling to my closest, I threw on an old baggy pair of jeans and a cleaner sweatshirt.

At the front door as I was jamming my feet into a new pair of running shoes, Alex stopped snoring.

“Where are you going?”

I rolled my eyes. “I want a smoothie and a bagel, and to get out of this damn apartment.”

Alex shuffled off the couch, groaning as she ran her hands over her face. “I’ll go with you.”

“You can go home, Alex. I don’t need a babysitter.” I grabbed my phone, shoving it in a pocket. “I think I can manage walking down the street and back.”

“Kara. You have a concussion, and someone needs to be with you.” She stood up, giving me a hard look.

“I know. But the last two I was completely alone and managed just fine.” I grabbed a worn out baseball hat with a faded NYU logo on it. “I need some air.” I felt the air thicken, knowing I caught Alex off guard again, throwing a snippet of my past on the floor in front of her like a dirty rag. “If I’m not back in thirty minutes, you can send in the swat team.”

I left my apartment before Alex could stop me. I knew I was being a petty jerk, but my head was so full, I needed to get away before it did explode. I was tired of everyone holding their breath around me, waiting for me to fall forward, hit the floor and shatter like glass.

The second I was outside, I sucked in a deep breath of the cool, crisp air and let it clear the edges of my headache away. I tugged on the brim of my hat to cut a little more of the sun out of my eyes and turned right. The weird health food store was right next to the greasy deli I adored. I had a mean craving for a strawberry smoothie and a double bacon and egg bagel sandwich. I took a few steps, testing out if I still had a wobble, but only found my hip to be incredibly sore. I sighed, dreading my shower later. My side would be covered in bruises, and I’d be sore for a few days. If it was too bad, I’d opt to work from home on Monday, soaking in my bathtub.

I wished I could remember more from last night, but the world faded away the second I heard the pops. Lena’s face melded with a thousand others, and the fear overwhelmed me. I could only remember having to get the hell out of there, away from the hands reaching for me.  

But like always, when I woke up, the nightmares only left me shaken, crying with no idea of what exactly it was I’d dreamed of. Or what it was that triggered my episode. I just felt empty, scared, and alone. Three feelings who had become my best friend over the last decade.

As I turned the final corner, I felt a wave of relief when the deli and smoothie place were practically empty. I’d come in between breakfast and lunch, I’d be able to walk in and out without too much trouble. I smiled at the older man behind the counter, who grinned when he saw me walk in. He waved at me. “The usual today, Ms. Danvers?”

“Make it a double, please, Al.” I pushed my hat up, looking over the baked good. “And call me Kara.”

He winked, grinning wider as he tapped the top of the display case. “The cannoli’s are fresh. Made them an hour ago.”

“I’ll take four, please.” I smiled back, shuffling to the end of the counter to pay, when I caught the mornings newspaper. The headlines full of Lena’s successful gala.

Craidhe Tech gala a huge success! Millions donated to charity!

I bit the inside of my cheek, fighting the urge to grab the paper and read about the rest of the night I missed. I swallowed hard, looking up when a picture of Caleb and Lena glared back at me. I didn’t want to read about how he was the perfect arm candy for the billionaire heiress. I didn’t need to read he ticked all of the boxes perfectly. I didn’t need to read how in love with each other they were. All I wanted was my giant heart attack breakfast sandwich, my four cannoli’s and to sit in a dark room staring at mindless television. I could face reality on Monday when I sent my article off to the editors.

“Here you are, Kara.” Al’s voice broke me away from the newspaper.

I cleared my throat, reaching for the two white bags and sliding a ten dollar bill across to him. “Thanks, Al. See you Monday?”

“I’ll have your latte and bagel ready to go for you.” He winked, handing my change, shaking his head as I shoved it in the tip jar. “You tip more than you pay for.”

I chuckled, shrugging. “I know.” I threw him a small waved and walked out of the deli, forgoing the smoothie for my cannoli’s. I stood outside for a moment, not wanting to go back to my apartment and deal with a pissed off sister. I vaguely remembered a small park a little further down where I could sit and eat in peace. Two steps towards the park, I felt my phone vibrating in my pocket. It was probably Alex, telling me I had ten minutes left before she sent backup to come kidnap me and tuck me into bed.

By the time I reached the park, my hip was screaming for me to sit down and rest, while my stomach rumbled at the delicious smells of bacon and eggs. Finding the closest bench, I half flopped down on it, groaning as my body began to ache everywhere.

Setting the white bag next to me, my phone went off again. Pulling it out of my pocket with two fingers, I answered. “Alex, I’m fine. I’m sitting down and trying to eat.”

“Good. Kelly will be over after lunch to sit with you. I have to go into the office. A suspect in a kidnapping plot turned himself in and is willing to give us the location of the rest of his crew.” She sighed. “I know she’s my girlfriend, but.”

“Will I talk to her?” I leaned back against the bench. “I’ll try. I know she’s the best in the city and if word gets out about my tumble at the gala, Cat will force me to see someone.” I glanced at the white bag. “But if it doesn’t feel right.”

“I won’t push it.” I could hear Alex moving through my apartment. “I’m worried, Kara and when I get worried, I get scared.”

“I know.” I paused. “On my desk in the small journal, there’s a phone number scribbled in the back. Call it. A Colonel Arias will answer. Tell her the eagle has landed and she’ll talk to you.”

“Colonel Arias?”

“Mhhm. I saved her life when our plane crashed.” I cleared my throat. “You should go, Alex. Go save some lives.” I hung up, blinking the tears away. I tucked the phone into my sweatshirt pocket, digging in the bag for my bagel sandwich. I felt shitty for giving Alex crumbs, but the only way I knew how to let her in was to let someone else tell the story. I’d never been good at talking about myself, and had gotten worse over the years. It was easier to sit in silence and only offer the basics. It was harder to share everything I’d been through and all the stupid things I’d done and got caught up in. I took a huge bite of the sandwich, moaning in delight at the taste of greasy eggs and cheese. I missed food like this, big greasy sandwiches enjoyed in a quiet park. After a few more bites, I was too full to keep on eating, and tucked the bagel back into the bag for later. I yawned, blinking a few times. I was exhausted and should probably head back to the apartment before I passed out on the bench.

Collecting my food, I stood up slowly, wincing at how tight my body felt. A hot bath was in my near future. I shuffled a few steps, trying to get my body to work with me, but wasn’t too successful and had to stop a few times. After a few more stop and starts, I dug my phone out to call a cab, when a warm hand gently took my elbow, steadying me.

“You’re quite possibly the most stubborn person in the world.”

I clenched my jaw, closing my eyes. “Are you following me?”

“Hardly. You’re standing outside my apartment building, Kara.” Lena’s tone had a bite to it, and I wanted nothing more to yank free from her, but if I did, I’d fall right on my ass. “I can have my driver escort you home.”

I glanced at her, swallowing hard at the sight of her in a baggy sweater and jeans. She wore her black rimmed glasses and her hair was down. The way she looked took me back to the days we spent walking through the city in the fall. Dressed down and not a single care in the world. “I’m fine.”

She chuckled, shaking her head. “And I’m Superman.” She looked up. “You’re pale, wobbling and your forehead is still bleeding. You shouldn’t be up and about with the concussion you suffered.”

“Oh? And when did you become a doctor?” I clenched the deli bag tighter, wishing I could walk away from her. This coincidence thing was getting irritating.

“About nine years ago.” She pulled out her phone, pressing a few buttons. “Frank can drive you or walk you.” She held the phone up to her ear, holding me tight as I swayed a bit.

I wanted to ask her about the doctor thing, and a million other things as my mind grew heavy with exhaustion. Her stupid perfume lulling me into a false sense of security. Instead, I blurted out. “You sound funny. You talk different.” I leaned into her touch, bumping shoulders with her. “I miss the accent.” I swallowed hard as my stomach rolled from the massive amount of grease I dumped into it. I stumbled forward, my knees buckling. “I don’t feel good.”

Lena tugged me closer into her side, sliding an arm around my waist, holding me closer. “I need to get you inside.” She guided me across the street and right as the world went blurry, I heard a man’s voice asking Ms. Luthor if she needed help. I felt a strong gentle hand on my right, I moved to swat it away.

“No, I don’t need you. I have my guardian angel, Lena. She’ll save me. Like always.” I mumbled the words out before I slumped forward and passed out.

XXXX

I woke up with a massive yawn, wincing at the tug of a fresh bandage on my forehead. I blinked a few times, trying to get my eyes to open and stay open as I looked around the room. The light grey walls threw me off, along with the photographs hanging on the walls. A few looked incredibly familiar, but my mind was so cloudy, I couldn’t make heads or tails. I yawned once more, moving to sit up in the bed. When I was up, I took notice of how nice and fluffy the duvet was and how incredibly amazing the bed was. I frowned. I didn’t have a nice bed, or a fluffy duvet. I had blue walls with no photographs on them. All of my artwork was stacked up in a closet waiting for me to figure out where to put it all.

I rubbed my temple, trying to figure out where I was when I heard someone on the phone outside the bedroom.

“She’s fine. I’ll keep her here for the night if you can’t get back in time. She just pushed too hard and her concussion forced her to stop and rest. If it gets worse, I’ll take her to the hospital.” There was a pause before Lena spoke again. “My home is large enough we can avoid each other if necessary, Alex.”

“Shit.” I swung my legs out of the bed and stood, regretting it the instant I was upright. My head swam and I couldn’t focus. “Shit.” I shuffled towards the door, holding my head. I had to get out of here. I couldn’t be here. I’d get a cab and go home, or go right to the hospital. “Shit.” I opened the door, wincing as my head throbbed, and shuffled towards a door. Lena was a few feet away, tapping away on her phone. Probably texting Alex. I would have to have a heart to heart with Alex and her new found allegiance with my ex. But that would come later, when I didn’t feel like total crap.

Spotting my shoes, I whispered a silent victory, and then made the mistake of bending over too fast. My head spun and I almost fell forward, reaching out to brace myself with my hands against the wall, thumping loudly. “Shit.”

“Kara!” Lena’s hand felt to my back, her other to my waist to steady me.

“I’m fine.” I grabbed my shoes. “I want to go home.” I mumbled, closing my eyes and my head spun harder. “Let me go home.”

“I’d feel better if you’d stay here, Kara.” She refused to let go of me, helping me to stand up straight.

“I don’t want to be around you.” I choked on the words, knowing every single one of them was a lie. I stepped away from her, shoes in my hand. “I can’t.” I opened my eyes to look at Lena, my heart clenching at the sight of her. “I can’t be around you.” I blinked a few times, feeling the tears roll down my cheeks. My will was faltering, I was tired, tired of the past and whatever this bullshit game kismet was playing with my heart. “It hurts too much.”  

She sighed, looking down with glassy eyes. “I know.” She whispered the words out, motioning towards the large couch across the room. “You need to sit before you fall over again.”

I didn’t fight her as she walked us towards the couch. I wiped the tears, hating that I was crying in front of her, but I didn’t really have much control over anything at the moment. My head hurt and I couldn’t keep it together. I’d used all of my together this morning trying to walk to the deli. I slid onto the couch, leaning back in the soft cushions, crying.

“Oh, Kara.” Lena crouched in front of me, reaching up to brush away the tears.

The second her fingers brushed against my skin, I felt one of the few strings holding me together, snap, and my heart lurched into my throat. “I’m so tired.” I looked up, meeting her bright green eyes. “I’m tired of running.” I swallowed hard, sniffling as more tears fell. “Why did you leave? Why didn’t you call? Why are you my guardian angel? Hovering above me for the last ten years, but never landing to save me?” I shook my head, leaning away from her touch as I sobbed harder. Deep down, I had an inkling my concussions was pushing buried feelings to the surface, and in a way, I couldn’t hold back anymore. I was tired, broken and wanted nothing more than to stop the constant spinning I’d endured for so long. “Why?” I rasped the words out, curling up into a ball, sobbing harder and harder with every breath. I squeezed my eyes shut as the memories rushed back. All the times I escaped death, praying to whatever god who would listen, to save me, give me one more chance. “Why?” I choked on the word as my headache took over and I passed out.

XXXXX

Lena

Covering Kara with a blanket after getting her straightened out on the couch with a pillow under her head, I sat on the edge of the coffee table, letting out a strained breath. Physically, she was fine. Her mobile x-rays showed no damage or swelling, no fracture, just a really bad bump on her head that would have her emotions and balance rolling all over the map. Her PTSD episode had her body exhausted and running on fumes, along with the rough fall she took in the library. Reading over her medical files from Berlin, she was simply exhausted and needed at least three weeks of rest. But ever the stubborn woman, she’d checked herself out of the hospital the second she could, walked out and walked onto the first flight home. Pushing her body to lengths it couldn’t manage.

Her words, no matter how muddled, hit home. I owed her a thousand answers to her questions. Sitting looking at her, I wanted nothing more than to pour out my heart and beg for forgiveness. But she wouldn’t accept it. My beautiful Kara had changed over the last ten years, inside and out. Gone was the goofy girl with a huge heart, always grinning as she fidgeted with her glasses. Laying before me was a woman with edges, and when she grinned, it felt tarnished. As if life had thrown it’s own harsh patina on a heart once so full of life.

Reaching over, I pulled the blanket closer over her shoulders, and set an alarm for two hours from now. I stood up, moving quietly back to the bedroom to change out of the sweater I’d thrown on to run to the deli. I’d taken the day off, asking Jess to take care of any after gala issues the moment I found Kara stumbling around the streets like a drunk.

Tossing the sweater to the side, I pulled on an old t-shirt with a faded periodic table on it, and gathered up my hair in a ponytail. I was tired, exhausted, but running on adrenaline. I could sleep later when Kara was stable.

I sighed, looking over at the bed. It hurt like hell when Kara basically kicked me out of her apartment early this morning, but I understood. I’d broken her a long time ago out of my own juvenile ignorance and desire to please my mother. I chuckled, reaching for the duvet Kara kicked off, as if anyone could call Lillian a mother. Adoptive or not, she was a harpy in pristinely tailored clothing. It took me two years to realize Lillian’s game in pushing me away from Kara. Too bad Lillian wasn’t allowed visitors in prison, or I’d happily skip down there tomorrow and tell her I’d never fully gave up on Kara. The look of painful disgust would be worth the nine hour drive.

I sat down on the edge of the bed, looking at the large photograph of the northern lights in Kiruna, Sweden. It was Kara’s. She’d taken the photo to accompany an article she wrote about climate change and the impact on the northern lights, for the Times. I’d bought the original and had it blown up and framed, along with the handful of other photographs Kara took when her travels didn’t allow for a photographer to go with her.

It was silly of me, to buy my ex-girlfriends work, but I couldn’t help it. Each image felt like I was with her, following through on a promise to travel the world together. A promise I destroyed when I walked out on her in the middle of the night.

I blew out a slow breath, looking towards the living room. I was still incredibly in love with Kara Danvers. That was something I could never run away from, but at the same time, I was petrified at the way she made me feel. It was only ever her. It never stopped being her. I tried, but no one could fill up the space in my heart still occupied by her. All I could do was watch from a distance and hope for the day when she stopped long enough for me to find her.

I turned to look at the floor. Kara had finally stopped but, god damn, did she hate me. I saw the pain in her eyes, the way her jaw clenched, and the way she flinched whenever I touched her. Had I done that to her? Had I broken her so badly she whittled down to nothing more than a shell of herself? I bit my bottom lip as the tears welled up.

“I love you, Kara. So fucking much.” I whispered the words out into the empty room, hoping they’d magically fall onto her ears, sink into her heart and heal whatever parts I broke.

After a few minutes, I left the bedroom and walked to my office. Sitting at my laptop I began pulling up every file I’d given to Alex and started printing it out. When Kara woke up again, I would sit in front of her and tell her everything. From that cold October night when I walked out before she got home from class, to every night I watched from afar, to the nights I sat by her beside in the Army hospital as she slept, to the moment I turned around and saw her standing in the City Hall Station. Then, if she still wanted nothing to do with me, then so be it.

I loved her enough to let her go.